What the fuck does he think he's doing here? I know it's fun but this is illegal and dangerous. No one is allowed to hold car racing games in this town, I don't know why but it's not and if all these people get caught they are in deep trouble.

I walk through the crowd to get a better look at the dirt track. There were cars already racing and I hope that Damien is not in any of them.

"Hey shawty" a random drunk boy called out from behind, doddering towards me.

"Stay the fuck away from me," I tell and walked away. How on earth am I going to find Damien in this swamp of people. I push my way among the crowd to the stalls and if I looked he is not there. I take my phone to call him again and of fucking course I'm on his voicemail again.

"Look I don't know if you are getting these or not but if you are I did something that will probably piss the fuck out of you. I'm at the racing arena so you better answer your phone and find me or else some guy will take me home and—" I cut the phone when I spotted Damien wearing black ripped jeans along with an untucked black dress shirt, leaning against a black Jeep surrounded by three or four boys and half-naked girls hanging off the jeep. I walked hastily towards him and crossed my arms in front of me when he locked his eyes with mine, throwing his cigarette bud away from his mouth.

"Lia, what the fuck are you doing here?"

"What the fuck I am doing here? No, you tell me what you are doing here" I asked standing right in front of him.

"Who the hell is she?" some girl from the jeep asked and Damien held my arms and softly pushed us backwards away from the jeep.

"I'm his fucking girlfriend you shit!" I yelled at her. "Lia, calm down," he told as we stopped a bit away from the people. I took a step back keeping my distance.

"How dare you tell me to calm down Damien. You left the house at midday and now it's past midnight. You didn't answer my shit ton of calls and my hundred-odd messages. I was so fucking scared to my stomach and now you are telling me to calm down. How the fuck does that wo—"

"shut up," he whispered cutting me off and slammed his lips against mine, kissing me. I held his neck, deepening it and his hands went down to my ass up to the small of my back under my shirt.

"I'm sorry. I should've called you but my phone died" he spoke against my mouth, holding me closer to him. I pushed myself away from him, coming back to my senses.

"Okay, but this—" I pointed my finger around the track, "—is illegal. And is the cops find out—"

"The cops won't be a problem. After all, this is owned by a cop's son" a random boy from behind me said and I turned around.

"Hi, I'm Maxmillan. Call me Max" he said holding his hand for me but before I could think of it Damien pushed his hand away. "Oh come on Damien," he said disappointedly but Damien took a step ahead of me.

"You keep your hands off her," he said and Max took a step back, his hands up in the air. "Okay okay. At least can I know the fine lady's name?" he asked.

"It's Rhea" I spoke before Damien could.

"Nice name and Damien, we need you on the track in five," he tells and ran off. I take my hand away from Damien's. "What!"

"I'm racing okay. First, I wanted to cope with my stress and anger other than popping a pill then I started getting good money. So, I race, I bet, I win and I get the cash." he tells.

"speaking of drugs, I found two empty bottles meth in your room along with a syringe" his eyes go wide and he should've known how to hide things better.

"Rhea—" he tells and takes a step forward and but I held my palm to stop him.

"No. I don't want to talk about that here. I just want to go home"

"Okay," he tells and took my hand in his. "Don't you race now?" I asked.

"Yes, I do but when I go out there you will be alone and I don't want that." I stopped and turned to face him.

"I can handle myself. Just, go"

"No" he started walking but I stopped him again.

"I am already mad at you so stop been annoying and just go" he let out a sigh and filled the gap in between us, his thumb lifting my chin to look up at him. "Rhea, I don't care how mad you are. I am not leaving you alone and I don't trust a single person here so get your ass back to the car, lets go home and solve whatever problem you have because I don't want us to go to bed mad okay?" If I wasn't mad at him I would've melted in his arms but I guess not.

"Okay," he planted a kiss on my cheek and walked us to his car.

"what about my car?" I asked.

"I'll get it for you tomorrow." We get inside the car and he drove off in complete silence.

"How'd you know where I was," he asked.

"I have my ways." I didn't want to drag Jason into this because I know Damien would be pissed at the poor boy knowing that he just sent me out in the middle of the night. Surprisingly he didn't push any further.

We got out of the car and walked into the house.

"Rhea, I am so sorry about the—"

"Why? I know it might have been hard but you know one extra dose and you die." I asked as he closed our bedroom door behind him. "Damien, if that happens what do you think would happen to me, no, what about your mother. Her life depends on you and you got no idea about that. Know that if you go down you're taking many people down with you." he sighed and walked closer to me.

"I know and I am sorry. It was just a spur of the moment I guess like I didn't have control of what I was doing," he said and lied down on the bed removing his shirt.

"And, then you blame me for slashing my wrist," I stated and dropped down next to him. We stayed in silence just staring at the ceiling.

"We are so messed up," I said breaking the silence. Damien turned his head to look at me. "At least we are messed up together." He tucked a piece of my hair behind my ear and planted a kiss on my temple.

"And, together we make a beautiful mess."

***

Stop.

"Stop" echoed throughout the whole room.

My fingers tremble.

My first tear fell. It dropped to the tip of my toe. Down to the hardwood floor.

I tightened the grip and held it firmly.

I opened my eyes and saw deep red eyes staring at me through the glass door in front of me.

"Put. It. Down"

Why?

The wooden floor creaked.

He's coming closer to me.

"Rhea?"

Noah.

The door bolted close with a loud thump.

I flinched.

I dropped my hand.

He sighed.

Why?

"You are stupid."

I am.

He is in front of me.

He is angry.

Like always.

He yanked the gun away from my hand.

I gasped.

It's gone.

My only way of eliminating this never-ending misery.

It's gone.

He took it away.

"This isn't you."

I know.

But, I can't be 'me', brother.

"You are not the one who's supposed to die."

He quivered.

He is vulnerable.

My brother is weeping.

No.

He is crying.

Noah is not okay.

He broke my brother too.

Nathan did.

"Nathan broke up with me."

I know.

"He is leaving me."

I know.

"Rhea, say something."

He pleaded.

I shook my head.

I couldn't speak.

The sound of my heart breaking is so loud, I fear if I open my mouth everyone will hear.

"I am sorry"

Why is he sorry?

"What happened?" he asked.

He asked as if he is not supposed to ask that.

He asked as if he is not allowed to.

He asked as if he is doing a crime.

He asked as if his words cost something.

It would've hurt.

It would've hurt if there was a piece of me was left to be hurt.

"I don't know what happened to me" I spoke.

He is crying.

Because a tear fell to the floor.

"I -I do."

I looked at him.

Shocked.

He looks like he doesn't want to say a single thing he is speaking right now.

"What"

I was soft.

I was quiet.

So very quiet.

I doubt he heard.

"You."

I what?

I looked at the single change of his movement.

The gun.

Noah tightened its grip.

"You were raped."

You were raped.

You were raped.

You were raped.

I was raped.

No.

Tears soaked my white t-shirt.

My nails dig into my palm.

My knees wobbled.

I shook my head.

Denial.

I was denying the horrible.

How could he?

"No!" I shrieked.

He didn't flinch.

If regret was a person.

It would be Noah.

"I am sorry."

He whispered.

I wasn't supposed to hear that.

But, I did.

My brother apologized.

"That night. You were raped."

My back hit the wall.

I am stabbed.

It goes deeper.

And deeper.

Deeper.

Deeper.

Deeper.

Deeper.

It's inside.

The knife is inside my heart, my mind, my body, my soul.

I was wrong.

There are pieces of me left to get hurt.

I

am

so

fucking

hurt.

"I can't live like this"

Me too.

NO!

I look at him.

He is the one denying now.

He is denying my thoughts telling him no.

"I love him."

Nathan.

He is talking about Nathan.

I need Nathan.

Not for me.

For my brother.

"I would do anything for him."

He loves him too much.

Way too much.

"Put it down Noah"

The roles are reversed.

The tables have changed.

"Please don't do this. I will call Nathan and everything will be fine."

No, it won't.

I lie.

"I am not doing this because of him."

He pushed the gun against his forehead.

"I am doing this because of you Rhea."

Because of you Rhea.

Because of you Rhea.

Because of you Rhea.

"BECAUSE OF YOU, I HURT SO MUCH."

"YOU MAKE ME HATE LIFE."

"YOU"

"MAKE"

"ME"

"WANT"

"TO"

"DIE."

No.

"No!"

I screamed.

"My blood is in your hands."

Gunshot.

He slumps.

Blood joins the tears on the floor.

He is staring at me and I am staring at him.

He looked apologetic.

Blood trails from his temple to his eyes and it drops like crimson tears.

I am waiting.

I am waiting for my brother to stand up.

I am waiting for him to wake.

I am waiting for him to blink.

Nothing.

I scream.

I screamed so loud that the sound of the door slam open could not even be perceived.

I am on the floor.

So is my mother and my father.

I crawl up to them.

My mother was a bloody mess.

Her son's blood on her clothes.

She is crying.

Like she has never before.

My father screamed.

He screamed that I had to move away.

I look at my hands.

It's shivering.

It's bloody.

My brother's blood is on my hands.

"My blood is in your hands."

It is.

***

"Rhea are you sure you want to do this?" Damien asked stacking our few duffle bags into his trunk.

"I have to." It has been three years since Noah passed away so I held up my courage to go back to our home town, visit his grave and talk to him. A lot. There was so much I wanted to say to my brother.

I doubt that mother would be there because her wedding is coming up close and she is very busy... I guess. I still haven't spoken to her or seeing her for two months. Yes, two months since I went to her house after Kevin lied about Damien.

I don't call that place 'home' anymore because my home is where Damien is. It's where Lily is and Jason. I officially moved into their house two weeks ago. Lily offered me the guest bedroom as my room but I never sleep in there. I always sleep in Damien's room and just stack my clothes and books in the guest room but Damien is upset about that too because he says that his room is way better when poetry books, candles and my clothes are lying all over.

The past two months wasn't all rainbows and cupcakes but I could say those were the happiest days of my whole fucking life. There were times where Damien had outbursts due to his IED. so, sometimes I walk up to him, hug him and kiss him then he would be calm but there are times nothing works, not even me. So, we let him ease up and control himself the way he wants to. Usually, he goes out of the house and comes back after few hours or we let him ruin the whole living room throwing things at the wall but when he comes back to his senses he takes me shopping and buys new vases and furniture to replace the ones he ruined.

Last month I turned eighteen. It was the best fucking birthday ever. Damien took me on a brunch date and Lily made lunch so it was strictly family. Family meaning me, Damien, Jason and Lily because Kevin is never home. I wasn't complaining but I worried for Lily. As much as I loved breakfast with my boyfriend and lunch with family, dinner was the best. Emma and Jennifer came over and we all went out. We were inseparable. Jennifer still pulls stupid fights with Jason but I didn't miss them flirting with each other either. Jennifer said she would rather go bald than date Jason and Jason says he would rather quit basketball than date Jennifer but Damien told me it was the biggest fucking lie he had ever heard. Emma is loving her single and independent life. She was happy so very happy and the happiest I have seen her was when she got her acceptance letter from 'school of the art institute of Chicago' what can I say she even cursed. Me and Damien applied for the same set of universities. Which we still didn't get any news from but we were hopeful.

I started therapy with Lily and she knows my whole story. Even, the part where I was raped I told her but not Damien. I could never tell him and I don't think I ever will. She helped me so much and she was right. I don't deserve it. I don't deserve a never-ending pain so I don't put myself in a position to purposefully hurt myself. I take what I get and accept what I deserve. But, I still do blame myself for many things. I think I always will.

I am happy. so, very happy that it is kind of scary. A good type of fear I could say.

"Come on boy tell bye to dada," I tell Rex.

"Lia, please don't call me that." Damien shuts the trunk and took Rex from my hands.

"I am not your dada but be a good boy okay," he tells our puppy. Yes, Rex was a part of my birthday gift from Damien and well the rest of the gift was sex. A lot of sex. I turned eighteen, moaning and screaming his name while he fuck me in the shower and I spent the last few hours of my birthday me fucking him while I had full control. It was fun to make him the good boy for once.

"Oh pft stop acting like you don't love him," I tell Damien and urged Rex to go inside while Lily tells our goodbyes.

"I can't love him because all my love is taken by this one girl" he spoke against my ear, hugging me from the back.

"Hm, I wonder who'd that be?"

"An annoying little slut" he said in the sweetest way possible and I kicked his leg.

"I don't get it. Other's don't get to call me that but you do?"

"Yes because you are my slut." Oh fuck.

"Alright, call me when you'll get there and drive safe okay?" Lily told Damien.

"Okay mama Lily," Emma says and gets in the back seat. Lily gives Damien and I an 'I am serious' look and we walk to the car.

"Get out" Damien yelled at Jason who has taken the front passenger seat.

"Why?"

"If I am driving Lia is going to be in the front. So get out." Jason groans and gets out of the seat, showing his middle finger at my face. I get inside and so does Damien.

"Looks like you are stuck with me, babe," Jason says to Jennifer and she just rolls her eyes. These few days are going to be, long. And, I still don't know how to feel about going back to my home town again but hopefully, it all will be well. Trust the process, Rhea.

Damien grips my thigh and we drove off.