It's both a blessing and a curse to have friends who don't give up on you and at this point, it's a fucking curse. I had no choice but to open up my window for Emma and Jennifer because if not either they will get struck by lightning or die of hypothermia.

"Told you this would work" Emma muttered to Jennifer.

"I'm so sorry we hear what happened," Jennifer said apologetically. "What exactly?" I asked because I don't even know what they had heard.

"That you two broke up." clearly not the truth. We were never in a relationship to break up and what happened is far far away from a breakup, but I was glad for whoever made up that excuse other than telling the truth. So, I play along. "Yes we did," I tell and dropped down on the bed in frustration.

"Just because you'll break up does not mean that you should starve yourself for what? five days" Emma said and yes, it had been five days. Five fucking days of losing my mind.

"I didn't. Look—" I pointed towards the floor and my nightstand. "Yeah, smoking cigarettes, gulping RedBull—" Jennifer lifts an empty packet of Cheetos from the floor and eyed it disgustingly "—eating Cheetos is not a meal" Emma finished.

"Since when did you two get along," I asked trying to change the subject. "Since you two went MIA," they said in unison.

"I am alive and well so you two could leave now," I tell because that last thing I would want is to randomly break down in front of people. I curl my knees up, hugging them and closed my eyes to sleep hoping they would take the hint and leave me be. Instead, I heard my balcony door close and Jennifer dropped down on the bed next to me.

"What the fuck are you'll doing?" I asked and lifted myself to sit on my bed. "You just had a breakup. you clearly don't want to be alone right now" Emma said.

"You don't know what I want! And, there's nothing I want more than to be alone right now so get the fuck out of my house!" I yelled and saw Emma flinch a little at my tone but I was pushed back onto my bed and a tight grip on my cheek. Jennifer's nails digging into my skin as she laid on top of me looking mad... really mad.

"Listen, you shut your bitch ass mouth. And your high tone might scare Emma away but not me" Jennifer said with gritted teeth and I let out a whimper. I pushed her hand away from my cheek. "How mad would you be if I kissed you right now?" Jennifer asked and a hysterical laugh escaped my mouth. Not long after Emma dropped down on the bed laughing along with us.

"You know what we should do? we should go on a girls night out" Jennifer said as we calm down our laughing asses. "No," I tell.

"Yes!" Emma said right after.

"Great! two is to one. We are going." We just lie down on the bed in complete silence. I contemplate on whether I should fight more on deciding to stay back inside but I've come to realize that Jennifer is never the one to take no as an answer. But right now I have no energy to go out in public; not physically nor mentally. I can't just hop out there and hope that a flash of pain and remorse would not hit because it will. I will always remember him. I used to remember all of how he was kind, sweet and loving but now I would remember a side of him that I don't want to. But, I know I got no choice but to accept the truth. At least I think that it is the truth and I wish I don't. This is what I have been built into to think of the worst so that when you face it you will be all ready for that worst flow of pain. And, for these five days, that's what I have been fixing myself to but if I was proved wrong I wouldn't even think twice to accept the truth which would be less painful.

The few days that I have spent with Damien and conversations with Lily, changed much about me. I always used to think that I deserved the pain I'm going through and much more but what I did not know was that it was eating me alive. Tables do have changed and part of me wants to see a future, part of me wants to not feel pain, as absurd as it sounds part of me wants to be happy and I want to walk through a bright tunnel; not because I deserve it 'cause out of all people I myself know that I do not deserve such godsends but if I'm going to pay for my sins whoever is up there will drive me to them and right now I'm already paying.

***

"Now, that was the type of girl's night I'm talking about" Jennifer slurs as we stumble out of the bar. The night was fun I could say if I was here in a different circumstance but helpful in keeping my mind off even for a minute. I could tell Jennifer had the biggest fun what can I say she is a party animal from chugging vodka to kissing strangers and almost taking one home, she had the time of her life. Emma did not drink at all instead she volunteered herself as the designated driver but had fun nevertheless. well, me, on the other hand, maybe a little bit tipsy but I found myself being loyal to someone which I'm not supposed to be. I don't want my lips to be kissed or my body to be touched by someone other than him but his actions of the past make me think that I myself is somewhat of a victim for it too if all those noxious words that came out of Kevin's mouth is the bitter truth. 'No, it's not the truth' I make myself believe. He would never do that to me and I've never been this sure.

Now, I know what Damien meant all along; knowing the truth is not a gift. It is painful, pernicious and gloomy. And, knowing a lie, believing it, is no sin but it is selfish. Selfishness for comfort, gratification and favourable to you and only you. But, if I give in and make a selfish decision by accepting Damien for what he had done, forgive him and put the past in the past just because of my undying love for him, what justice would that do to Gillian. What justice would that to my own self— the little fourteen-year-old Rhea?

Emma drives us home and Jennifer dozing off in the front seat as I look out the window at the drizzling night sky. I love this weather but now there's nothing I want more than to see the sunshine bright, to hear him say, 'No Rhea, he was wrong. I didn't do it.' But he never did all he gave me was a face of pain and eyes of remorse that I will never be able to shatter.

And, the battle between my heart and my mind, my future and my past, the truth and the lie will continue.

***

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

Fight it Damien

Don't do this Damien

Damien, it will stop your pain and you will forget about her.

I curse at the voices in my head that are pulling me into two different directions which will eventually rip me apart.

I miss her. I need Rhea right now more than anything. I want her to come and take this syringe away from me, I want to feel her touch, I want to see her in front of me, I want to hear her voice, I want to feel her breath against my skin.

Fuck! I need her.

The tip of the syringe filled with intoxicants that once almost killed me is so close to my vein. One shot wouldn't kill me but the next four or five would.

Why do I have to be like this?

What did I do to deserve to be me?

Why can't I be the man that Rhea could love?

I suppose she would never love me not after the day that I saw the horror, fear and disgust in her face the moment the words spat out of his mouth. She was in horror about it, she feared for her life and she was disgusted. Who wouldn't be after hearing such mishaps?

I doubt she believed Kevin but I made her believe him, all because I love her and I am who I am.

***

RHEA'S POV

The whole morning just laying in bed and not even moving an inch, staring into oblivion and deeply in thought to prevent your head throb from last night is not helping the real issue. Because, when you just lay and do nothing your mind seems to wander off to things it shouldn't be and which will cause distress than what I am already feeling.

I could say I was glad that mother never came up to my room again and offered anything or even ask if I was okay since the last time she did. It hurts a bit how much she had changed well, both of us but I actually miss the time when she never gave up on me when I was sad, how she yelled that she would smash the door open if I didn't when father upset me and how she came in and convinced me that Noah does actually love me but I never let her know that I knew it wasn't the truth. I miss the mother with an undying love for me even the times that she pretended she love me... the many times.

I untangle myself from the sheets as I heard a knock on my door.

"Who is it?" I asked leaning against the closed door. "It's Jason open up." Of course, it is. I doubt if he knows. I mean the truth. If he does was he sent by Damien to convince me? After the attack on Jason and the stepbrothers had been somewhat close I could say but still, they would rip each other head off if they feel like it.

"I don't want to talk to you," I tell.

"You don't have to talk to me but please open the door" he pleaded and I did. I opened the door for him. I never felt how tall Jason was until now and I was taken back from the strong smell of his cologne mixed with marijuana. I take a few steps back just to keep him away from my room.

"Rhea, you look—"

"ravishing," I say sarcastically and he dropped his head down hiding a small smile.

"—horrible" he finishes his sentence. "Why thank you," I tell and walked back to my bed hoping he would take the hint that I do not want to talk.

"You want answers don't you?" he asked as he walked in and I lift my head in confusion.

"You know?"

"Get dressed I'm taking you somewhere," he said ignoring my question. "I don't want to go anywhere"

"You wouldn't regret it"

We drive past the border of our town the gloomy wind hitting my face and messing my hair. I cling to Jason's hoodie holding on to dear life. When he told me he's taking me somewhere I didn't know that we would go on his motorbike and that we will be going this far.

I feared for my life at every brake and turn he takes but it was fun nevertheless. And, through this drive, I realized I hadn't thought about anything but the strong winds and the roaring sounds of the engine as he speeds. This is why I love driving fast, you only fear for your life and your mind couldn't fathom anything else.

We get down in front of a very homely house I could say. Beautiful pots of flowers are placed on the porch and the white paint of the house looks calm, quiet and peaceful. I remove my helmet and hand it over to Jason. We walked up the tiny stairs and Jason knocked on the door.

"Who's house is this?" I asked out of curiosity.

"You'll see," he tell and a fine lady opened the door for us with a bright and comforting smile.

"I'm Jason. Lily's stepson" Jason introduced himself and the lady opened the door for us to enter.

"Ah yes, don't have high hopes but please do come," she tells and leads us to a stairway. I stand there and looked at Jason with concern. "What are we doing here?" I shout whispered to him.

"Just come on," he tells and we walk up the stairs. I saw kids toys lying down on the floor but that lady did not look like she would have children who play with toys but I shrug it off as we come to a stop with a closed door and empty trays of food stacked on the floor. The lady let out a sigh before knocking on the door.

"Gillian"