"Noah, I know you prefer staying in and play your video games but can you please! at least pick me up after the party?"

"Rhea I'm not your goddamn driver. Ask one of your friends to drop you back home. oh wait, you don't have any" he laughs. why is he talking as if I'm not his sister? what on earth did I do to make him hate me so much? elder brothers are no use.

"you know Noah if someone kidnaps and kills on my way home it's gonna be your fault" why am I even speaking about this? I'm so freaking dumb.

"hey, I actually hope it goes that way. it's finally gonna be great to get rid of you" he says not looking away from his video game. it kind of hurts but I know or I hope that some part of him did not actually mean what he said. I turn around and walked away.

"tell Nathan to give me a call" Noah screamed from his room. oh phew, at least Nathan will be there if something happens.

Nathan is my 'brother from another mother' and Noah's boyfriend. which my highly religious parents still don't know of. They have been dating for 6 months now and for 6 months Nathan had been a brother to me more than Noah ever was. He was my only friend, no he's my best friend. Nathan is like my personal therapist, he listens to me and gives me advice.

I shake the thoughts and memories consuming my mind not wanting to re-live one of the most horrible days of my life.

I wish he was here.

If Nathan never left Noah would still be alive. My mother would still have her precious son.

Then it hits me. It wasn't Nathan's fault. It's mine.

I loaded the gun. Nathan just gave him one reason to pull the trigger.

Yes, my 17-year-old elder brother who was loved dearly by every single one, shot himself and committed suicide.

But for me and my parents, it was more of a murder.

"Rhea, slow down we are going to pass the school" Emma's voice cut through my thoughts.

"Oh shit!" I make a quick turn into the school gates.

"Girl, you should be in this world when driving. I'm way too young to die"

"Oh shut up, I'm not gonna let you die," I tell Emma, grabbed my backpack from the back seat, and got out of my car.

"Hey Em, can I ask you a question?" she nods not looking away from her phone.

"Why don't you have any friends?" I asked as we walk inside.

"Ouch, but the reason is that I didn't find anyone that deserves my valuable friendship. You know you are one lucky bastard" she says smiling at me.

"Hmm, I guess I am"

"Rhe, can I ask you a question?" she asks with the same tone.

"Ha. Go ahead". our friendship never got into a position where we would spill our darkest deepest secrets. If she knew about my past, I would lose the only friend that I have accepted being in a new school and a new life. So I hope she doesn't ask anything related to it.

"What makes you who you are right now?"

"regret, pain, and guilt. No, follow-up questions please," I said before she could ask any more. I know that she knows I'm a closed-up person and she understands it. which I adore most about her but at some point curiosity hits anyone.

"I'm going to class. see you in English. and please don't kill anyone" she said walking away backward as the bell rings.

***

After chemistry, I head to my English period which is right before lunch.

Other than maths, English is one of the classes that I look forward to.

I walk in and take a seat right at the back of the class. I really don't want to catch everyone's attention sitting in the middle of the class or in the front. Not when I look like a walking funeral. Black mom jeans and a black hoodie with my black hair will obviously catch attention.

As I said it does catch anyone's attention when you see someone wearing all black.

I look up from my phone and I notice black ripped jeans, a black t-shirt, and bright grey eyes walk into the class.

Of course, he comes to the same school. it wasn't much shocking for someone who overthinks everything. After I saw Damien at the skating rink after a year yesterday, I went home and recalled everything that had happened and what I had felt when I saw him. For some reason, I didn't feel the butterflies in my stomach for hours when I used to see him. Of course, my heart skipped a beat when I saw him but it was not like before. maybe it's because I have changed. Maybe it's because it had been so long after I saw him. Or maybe even he left like everyone else. I didn't have an exact reason, it kinda pissed me off and made me so confusing.

I'm glad that I have the ability to keep my distance from him because the last thing I would want is for him to have a fucked up piece of shit in his perfectly happy life.

Our eyes locked for a moment. His eyes held no emotion. strange.

He was the first to look away and sat few seats ahead of me.

Mrs. Bloom walked into the class right after Emma came in and sat next to me.

"Hello, kids, today we are going to talk about the amazing book written by the great author Mark Twain. Oh hi, there Damien. From a long time seeing you here."

"I missed you too Mrs. Bloom. Shocker, you remember me" Damien said. God, it's been way too long hearing his voice. it's deeper and gives your body chills as always.

"Oh you know it's not every day I get to teach the same student for three years. Anyways let's continue with the lesson. So I told......"

for some reason, I wasn't ready to listen to the lesson today. I already know she's talking about 'The Prince and the Pauper'. I may or may not have read that book over seven times and watched the movie too. Not a big fan of the book but I have to admit it's an amazing one. I love how the author shows that appearance could be everything. It shows that people tend to believe what they see than what they hear. And I'm someone like them.

I believe what I see not what I hear.

After some time the bell rings and I stood up to get out of this class, gathering my books.

"Why did Jason keep on staring at you like you just killed his dog," Emma says as we walk out of the classroom. I didn't even realize Jason was in the same class me how on earth would I know why he was staring at me? I know why.

"I wouldn't know, we are not friends anymore"

"Oh, why is that? wasn't he like one of your childhood friends?" she questions.

"Remember Emma? I don't do friendships and you were just lucky" I told and walked faster to our usual lunch place under the tree.

***

I need a cigarette.

That was the first thought that came into my head when I walked into my room after school.

I light one and looked around the room taking small drags.

"This room is fucking dirty," I said to myself and pulled my hair into a messy bun and started cleaning my table which held stacks of books, papers, posters that I never had the chance to put up.

I connect my phone to the speaker and put my playlist on shuffle even though I knew that I would skip all the songs that would just kill my mood.

I hum to 'Fine Line by Harry styles'. even though that song would kill the mood I never had the heart to skip it. Everything about that song is peace to my ears and calms me.

instead of cleaning the rest of the room, I find myself lying down on the floor taking long drags from my second cigarette. I didn't even realize the tears rolling down my cheeks.

I lie down in that exact same position for a few minutes until sleep took over.