Do you ever just look at someone and this flood of emotions, feelings, and memories rushes into your soul?

emotions, feelings, and memories of my past are what I run away from. It's what I fear. sometimes I wonder is it because I never made peace with the past. But how can I? How can I make peace with a past that has caused the eternal war in my life. which caused a war that has ruined one whole happy family.

And Jason... he carries so much of my past. He can press play to the emotions and the feelings of my bygone days that I have pressed paused to. As much as I love to see him again, I also do fear the fact that by accepting him into my life again I will let him bring back that fragile little girl that did nothing but cause chaos.

I met Jason when I was ten years old. we lived in the same town, went to the same school, and became instant friends. But when time passed by Jason started to look towards drugs and cigarettes at a young age to cope with his toxic father. Which caused the end of our short but strong friendship.

When I turned fifteen was time that my life started getting fucked up. It's when I knew why Jason started drowning himself in alcohol and drugs. Our friendship was re-built when I started going to him in need of weed or drugs to get myself high. Later on, we went out to bars and clubs. we never needed fake IDs 'cause his father owned multiple clubs around town. Then we became drinking buddies, one thing led to another and the next thing I knew was I was having pleasurable sex with my old friend who brought a flower every single morning he came to see me when we were children. It's true what say; trauma does change people. Me and Jason is living proof.

Throughout our whole sex relationship, we never caught feelings for each other. what can I say friends with benefits do exist. I know I started having sex at a young age. I didn't lose my virginity to Jason. even though he was the first person with who I willingly had sex.

Our whole 'friends with benefits concept ended when he went soft on me once. As most girls would be mad, I wasn't because I knew something had to be wrong. And his reason? well, that's not my story tell.

We built a strong relationship while getting high near the river talking about how unfair and fucked up life is. When I turned sixteen my life was an utter mess and it was a time I deeply needed a friend and I was glad that I had Jason but it all ended again when he gave me the news that he was leaving town even though he promised the fact that he would never let this friendship end. He did try to carry the friendship from miles away but I was too busy letting go of every single bit of my past. I never talked to him and he gave up like I hoped he would.

And here we are after a year having lunch and teasing hungover Emma who looked like she just woke up from the dead.

"J, you told me that your one and only brother is coming here too. where are you hiding him?"

"he's a stubborn character. he goes to school when he wants to and when he doesn't...god knows what he does." he takes a pause and speaks again looking up from his burrito. "STEP brother" I nod even though he mentioned it three times throughout the whole day.

"look, Jason, I'm so sorry I did not mean to say that. hell, I do not mean a single drunk word coming out of my mouth" Emma apologizes for the hundredth time today. told her she would regret it.

"Aww hun, it's all good I told you it's okay. And sorry to break it to ya, you are not my type" Jason says enjoying his burrito like it wasn't his third one.

"And what exactly is your type?" I asked.

"Don't worry it's not you either. I mean we had good sex but Nah I don't wanna have kids with you." Oh, we sure did have good sex.

"HOLD UP! you too had sex before? like in yall dated?" Emma says lifting her head from the table and removing her hood.

"Yes and No. yes as in we did but we were only friends with benefits," I said with no urge to continue this conversation. Talking about this means re-opening the doors of my past. And it's better Emma not knowing what a curse I am.

After lunch, Emma headed to art class whereas I, Jason and some of his friends went to physics.

"Hey Rhe, you should come over to dinner and meet lily. she always wanted to meet one of my girlfriends, and my father is not even home so?" he says eagerly. But I know the last thing I would want right now is to sit through a family dinner. I can't even remember the time I last had a family meal.

"Look, Jason, as much as I want to meet your lovely stepmom. you know I can't do it. I will get flashbacks of things I don't want to remember which will basically lead to a panic attack. I really don't wanna scare her." I tell him but there's so much more I want him to know.

"Oh, Rhea it's fine. if you don't want to, it's okay. But you wouldn't scare her away because she's the most understanding and loving mother I ever had." he says walking away.

"Jason," I say making him stop and turn towards me. "We indeed had an amazing friendship but now, I don't want any friendships. I know Emma is my friend and she's my only friend, she just never lets me push her away but I know she is way too strong to go down with me. But you, I know you and I also do know how much you love me." I take a pause and speak to do what I'm always good at. What I have to do.

"It's great to see you again, but I can't have you in my life. I'm not gonna let you go down with me. My life is in flames, Jason. It's being like that for two years now. And letting my past connect with my present means that I'm adding kerosine to the already burning fire. You hold so much of my past Ja-"he cuts me off.

"This is fucking bullshit, Rhea. When are you gonna realize that you always don't have to push people away? I know I messed up and I know I left you when you most needed a friend but I didn't have a choice. Now, I can promise you that I will always be there for you and I won't let you go down alone." I knew he wouldn't understand this.

"See, you are already doing it," I say and take a step closer.

"What?"

"You are already willing to ruin your life for me. How do you think I could stand it. Every single day I live with the guilt and pain of ruining my whole family..."

"...MY PARENTS LOST THEIR CHILDREN. MY YOUNGER BROTHER LOST HIS SIBLINGS, AND SO DID I. BUT IT WAS ALL MY FUCKING FAULT. I'M A GODDAMN CURSE AND I KNOW I DON'T DESERVE TO LIVE AT PEACE EVEN JUST FOR A SECOND. AND I'M ALREADY PAYING FOR MY SINS. I MIGHT AS WELL PAY THEM BY MYSELF." it was so hard to say those words and it was my first time admitting it out loud to someone. I would've done anything to end this pain. even if it means that killing myself. But I can't and I won't because death is way too good for what I have done. I deserve to live in this cruel and fucked up world with guilt and regret. I deserve to die in the most painful way possible. Till then I'm gonna torture myself.

"What happened to Noah was not your fault. He did not die because of you" Jason said as his eyes softened and by now there was no one in the halls and I haven't even realized that we had class now. But I know I have to make him understand.

"But he did. He pulled the trigger of the gun that I loaded. I'm going through enough pain right now and I do not trust when you say you won't hurt me. hell! I won't even think there's a part of me to get hurt but it's all gonna be fair when we stay away from each other" I say with no emotion in my eyes, I turn around and walked away in the opposite direction.

A/N - OKAY! SO WE GOT AN INSIGHT INTO NOT ONLY JASON AND RHEA'S PAST BUT A LITTLE INSIGHT AS TO WHY RHEA IS WHO SHE IS. THIS GIRL CARRIES SO MUCH BAGGAGE FROM HER PAST. SHE'S NOT A NORMAL TEENAGER AND THIS IS JUST LIKE 35% OF WHAT SHE'S GONE THROUGH. BUT WE WILL SOON OR MAYBE NOT SO SOON WILL GET TO KNOW WHAT HAS MADE HER SO FUCKED UP OR MAYBE WHO?

HOLY! HOLY! I ALMOST FORGOT, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR 100+ READS. THIS MEANS SO DAMN MUCH FOR A SMALL WRITER LIKE ME. I'M ETERNALLY GRATEFUL FOR ALL OF YOU READERS. *wipes happy tears*

AND "RHEA" IS PRONOUNCED AS 'RAY - AH'. JUST WANTED TO CLARIFY THAT.

ATP DEAL W THE SHORT CHAPTERS :)

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-PEACE