"is it strange for me to say that if i were to die today there's not a thing i would change, i've lived well."

- eternal sunshine x jhene aiko

a week later

"You ready?" Von asked me and I shook my head.

"No."

It was the day of the funeral and if I could skip it I swear I could.

"Chin up bae." He said kissing me on my forehead. "You want me to get the twins?"

"You don't gotta." I said wiping the few tears that fell. "I got it."

"Girl sit yo neck back." He said making me laugh. "Let me handle this all you gotta do is go out there and wait with everybody else."

"Okay Dayvon." I said walking out our room and into the living room with everybody else.

"How you feeling?" Niya asked me when she seen me come out the room. She was my stepsister.

"I'm straight." I simply said sitting next to my mama and laying my head on her shoulder.

"Where the twins at?" Kirah asked.

"Von getting them dressed."

"Oh God." She said. "He gone have them in all black and gym shoes."

I sat there and thought about it. "You right let me go get my kids cause black not even the funeral colors."

At the same time I was getting up Von was walking out the room with them.

"My babies y'all look so cute." I cooed grabbing Journee'.

"Told you I had this." He said. "I sent you the pictures I took of em."

"Booka!" My mama snapped.

"Huh?" He said turning around putting something behind his back.

"I just know you not getting drunk."

"Huh?"

"If you can huh you can hear boy." My mama repeated. "It's 11 in the damn morning and we got a funeral to go to- give me a shot."

"Now you talkin' my language ma." Booka said handing her a shot.

Nigga had cups and everything.. please.

"Bro what?" I said sitting next to her again. "Ghetto."

"Girl don't hate." My mama said.

"What time we supposed to be leaving?" Kirah asked.

"Whenever Durk and my grandkids get here." My mama said.

I looked at the pictures Von sent me and I went on Instagram to post the one I liked the most.

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...

"I can't go in there." I said shaking my head feeling myself about to have a panic attack.

"Mook don't work yourself up, breathe." Kirah said grabbing my hand. "Look at me and just breathe."

"It feel like my chest getting tight I can't see my daddy like that." I said starting to cry. "I can't."

"We not going in til my baby ready." My mama said talking to whoever. "I'll make y'all wait all day if we got to I paid for this shit so like I said we not going in shit til my daughter is ready."

"And if y'all got a problem with what dukes said then come see me bout it." Dthang said.

After Kirah got me to calm down I was ready to walk in. I didn't even wanna the view the body I just wanted this day to be over.

The closer we walked to the casket the more my legs started to give out if I ain't have one of my babies in my arms I probably would've fell.

"Daddy.." I whispered once I got up there feeling myself about to cry all over again.

"Da!" Jaylee' yelled out snapping me out of my thoughts and made some people in the church start laughing.

"Unt- girl you are ghetto." I said looking at the casket one more time before going to sit down.

"We please ask everybody to be seated." The pastor spoke.

...

"My baby brother." My dramatic ass auntie yelled out for the 50th time since we've been in here.

"Trish he ain't even like you forreal hush all that up." My nana whispered but loud enough so we could hear. "You only doing this cause you feel guilty about not being there for him."

"Oop."

"At this time we'd like to have the kids come up and say a few words about their dad." The pastor spoke.

Me, Durk, and Dthang went up to the podium so we could speak our pieces and move on.

I looked over at them to see who was gone speak first and they just looked at me making me suck my teeth.

"Um." I said stepping to the microphone. "I guess I'm speaking for all of us."

"I don't really know how to put my feelings into words but I guess I'll try. My daddy was the realist and everybody in here can vouch for me when I say that. He was all about his kids plus his grandkids. You gotta know he ain't play about us."

"And didn't!" Kirah yelled out making me laugh.

"Just by looking at everybody in here I can tell my daddy had an impact on y'all lives in some type of way and it honestly makes me happy to see how much love is here right now for him." I said smiling feeling a few tears fall, I'm sick of this crying shit.

"At one point of time we hit rock bottom and not once did my daddy lose faith. He the reason I got it tattooed as corny as it sound. I seen that man get up everyday and HUSTLE without a complaint just to do for his family and you can't tell me that my daddy wasn't that nigga, excuse my language. But I'm ending this with my daddy gone live through us 3 standing right here, period."

"We love y'all!" One of my cousins yelled out while we were walking back to where we were sitting and I mouthed it back to her.

"Please help us join Asia Daniels with the singing of Eternal Sunshine."

I was shocked because I ain't even know Asia could sing hm, find out something new everyday.

"Since when she know how to sing?" Booka said speaking everybody's thoughts out loud.

"Whenever you're ready Asia." The pastor said handing her the microphone and she nodded for them to start the music.

"is it strange for me to say that if i were to die today there's not a thing i would change, i've lived well.

maybe i have made mistakes and been through my fair share of pain. but in all in all it's been okay, i've lived well.

and the more that i see the more that i know, i don't know anything at all."

As Asia was singing I kept glancing over at the casket and the song wasn't making how I'm feeling no better.

"Wow I can't believe you left me dad." I mumbled to myself shaking my head.

Both twins were in Von's arms sleep shit, i wish i was them right now.

"At this time we want only the immediate family to come up and view the body one last time before the closing of the casket." I heard the pastor say and it finally hit me that this was my last time seeing him.

"oh all the many things i can only recall, all of the good thing. the good thing, all of the good things. the good things. only the good, the good, the good." Asia started singing again as we got up to view the body one last time.

I held Durk and Dthang's hand as we walked up to the casket and I couldn't do nothing but let it all out.

"I love you." I said shaking my head.

"Damn." I heard Durk mumble looking at the casket and then dropping my hand to walk away.

"Give him some time Mook." Dthang said hugging me and we went to go sit back down.

...

"If you loved me you'd go make my plate." I said to Von.

We were just now getting to the repast and all that crying made me hungry.

"Girl- imma go make it g damn." He said and I cheesed.

"Da." Journee said and I made a face.

"You know what." I said. "I feel so unappreciated."

The twins were going on 8 months (and were at the learning to talk stage and all they said was some damn da. Jealous? Yes.

"Boo." Jaylee' said looking at Booka and I damn near lost it.

"Say it again g baby." Booka said recording and she laughed repeating it.

"Y'all can say Booka and Da but not Ma?" I said. "Get ya kids."

I gladly handed the twins over to Booka since he wanna be they daddy so bad. I can't believe this, it be your own babies.

"Why your face so balled up?" Von asked handing me my plate.

"Boo!" Jaylee' said messing with Booka's hair.

"I-"

"Your kids got two new words." I said mugging him and Booka. "Boo and Da."

"I hate it here."

"Don't be mad cause we the shit."

"Asia bitch." I said turning towards her. "Since when you could sing and why we ain't know you was singing today?"

She shrugged. "It was last minute and your mama asked me literally before we all had walked in the church cause the original singer canceled cause she was scared."

"Scared of fucking what."

"Y'all daddy was the most respected nigga from the block, funeral full of gang members." Jada said. "Please we been friends for years and I'm still scared on my granny."

"But your granny not dead." I said

"So I don't like her old ass if I could I'd put her ass in a home."

"Y'all ass is going to hell g." Booka said playing with the twins.

"Where Reese at?" Kirah asked.

"Home with that fat ass ankle bracelet on." She said. "He said he'll catch y'all when he free."

"Stop tryna play my boy." Von said.

"Briann." Durk said calling me over to where he was.

All he did was hug me then next thing you know he was crying.

"I- uh." I said rubbing his back as emotional as I was, I was not good with comforting people.

"I love you." He said wiping his eyes. "We not gone speak of this day g as far as you know I ain't never cried in my life."

???

"Nigga you damn near wanted to cry when Bella cut your dread off but okay." I said laughing. "I love you more."

"Sibling hug niggas." Dthang said walking over to us pulling us in a group hug.

"Wait I can't breathe y'all squishing me." I said trapped between the two of them. "Oh this some ghetto ass shit."

"That's not our problem." Dthang said and they hugged me tighter.

"Oh really?" I said. "Momm-

"Damn why you always gotta snitch." Durk said stepping back.

"Knowing damn well she gone take your said cause you the baby out the group g." Dthang said. "Bullshit."

"Are you jealous you titty baby?" I asked. "Lil sister but I'm the big dawg nigga."

"I think you might wanna get ya kids sis." Durk said. "Bella and Lil Skylar plotting on em, look."

Sneaky asses. They was over there tryna grab the twins out their car seats while Booka wasn't looking.

"Aye!" I said making them look up. "Yeah bad ass 1 & 2 y'all caught."

i cried like a baby writing this chapter lmaooooooo cause i wrote it based off how my cousins funeral went and baby i ain't never cried so much in my life literally but six more chapterssssss woot woot. i might do a bonus chapter when it's all wrapped up or maybe even a sequel depending on how i end the book.

-b