December 15th 2015

Damian

It was happening. Tomorrow would be the day that I got to take Noah to the dance. Tomorrow would be the day that i came out once and for all. Tomorrow would be the day that I finally was honest to everyone about myself. Tomorrow would be the day that I finally got to be happy.

However, today didn't start off the way it was supposed to. Jaxon, Chad, Alec and I were meeting at noon. The aim was to go to the store for final fittings and alterations before we collected our tuxes. I had thought I'd get some time to do my morning workout routine, maybe help Ava, my housekeeper, out with some of the cleaning. Give noah a quick call just cause I wanted to hear my boyfriend's voice. I loved saying that word out loud. Although, we hadn't told anyone yet that we were official. We intended to do that at the dance tomorrow. Another reason why tomorrow was going to be perfect.

Yet here I was, after my morning run, sitting on my living room couch. The reason as for why I wasn't able to hit up my home gym, currently was because my mother and stepdad decided to pay me a visit. My stepdad had definitely aged since the last time I saw him. His salt and pepper hair was now completely white. His face was drawn and his eyes looked tired. He had laugh lines and worry lines. Nonetheless, he still had the pleasant smile he always carried.

He worked hard, I knew that. He wouldn't have the money and lifestyle my mother loved to take advantage of, if he didn't. My mother on the other hand, looked like perfection. Everything on her was immaculate, something she never cared about with dad. Yet the woman sitting in front of me didn't resemble at all the woman who used to tuck me into bed each night. Instead there was a woman who had carved herself to look like a million bucks. Probably how much she did spend on her appearance. Staring at her, i couldn't help, but miss the simple mother who wore an apron to cook in and always had hair flying everywhere. The one more worried about her kids, home and husband to ever think about her outer appearance. Yet so much had changed since then.

"So let me get this straight. My sister got herself knocked up with some heartthrobs celebrities kid, in L.A., now she's marrying the guy to protect his public image and you want me to attend?" I ask wrapping my head around all the information they were here to tell me.

"Exactly" My mother said. There was no motherly tone to her voice, just a business- like manner to it. I wondered how long that took to master, she probably used it daily to talk to her stylist. " We came to tell you that months ago however you seemed busy with your boy toy" She says referring to her rather random visit a few months ago. She had told me she would stop by or call soon after but like always she vanished. Leaving me behind, forgetting about me.

I know, most teenagers my age would kill for the amount of freedom I have. I had money at my expense, I could do whatever I wanted and I had staff to clean up after me. However, I missed the weekly chores, the curfews, the consistent nagging to do homework, the family night board games, the long family meals and most of all I missed coming home to my family.

I knew I couldn't blame my dad. It wasn't his choice to get to cancer, he never asked for it. Yet I can't stop myself from time to time wishing he was still here. If he was, my family wouldn't be torn apart, my sister wouldn't be carrying some random guy's kid, and i wouldn't have a stranger for a mother. I never realised how much we all needed him, he was the glue in this family. Without him we all just fell apart. I know I shouldn't play the 'what if' game, I can't tell how the future would have panned out. All I know is, if he was here, it wouldn't be like this.

In one of the few phone calls my sister and I had, after she left for California was to explain to me why she did it. She was sad, it was the first anniversary of dad's death and I was home alone.

Then she called, she sounded drunk, her voice slurred. Yet for the first time since his death she seemed genuinely honest with me. She told me, quote " I only went to L.A. cause dad hated the idea of it. He'd always say there was 'no chance of making it big without succumbing to their lack of morals'. I guess I thought that maybe it would disturb him so much he'd walk out of his grave, to scold me. I know it's stupid but it's stupid that he's dead when he was probably one of the best people to live." Though she said that in more slurred and garbled words. She wasn't wrong though, yes this is a bias view of him, but there was no denying my dad's incapability to hurt a fly. He was a honest, faithful and pure and I know he would be disappointed in some of the choices I've made since he was gone. Now I was determined to make him proud. I would do my very best to take a page out of his book and be the kind of man he was. The kind of partner he was.

"Fine, I'll go. But I'm going to bring my boyfriend as my date." I can see the wheels turning in my mother's head as she grinds her teeth. She knows I won't budge, she can tell from my face. If I'm going, I'm going with Noah. Having a gay son doesn't fit well with her perfect lifestyle that she's trying to paint, but having a son who won't show up to his sister's own big day, is worse.

"He can come if he must. The wedding is Christmas Eve." my mother spoke through clenched teeth. With that she took a few deep breathes and pinched her nose. A sign of her frustration w me, what did she expect?

"Your sister will be so happy to hear that you will be attending" My stepdad voices trying to erase the tension in the room. Always the people pleaser, I wonder if that was how he made his big deals. Sucking up to the ones in charge, buttering them up.

"If she wanted me there so badly, why isn't she here asking me herself?" I say pointing out the obvious. I'm tired of this perfect family charade.

"It's tiring work carrying a child and planning a wedding." My step dad assures me, but i can tell he's talking crap. She doesn't care if I attend or not, as long as the day goes on without a hitch and her new beau gets the publicity he needs. It seems after dad's death, all the women in this family want is to reap some guys success and money.

"So I'll buy two tickets for Noah and I. What day should we be in L.A. for?"

"The 23rd. We have a dress rehearsal the next day. You can fly back home the 26th, after all the wedding celebrations are done." My mother says instantly as relief washes over her face. Now only thing left is to tell Noah he's spending christmas with me, in L.A. hopefully, he doesn't mind too much.

_____________________________________________________________________________

"So you're telling me your mother marches into your house and demand you to be in L.A., for Christmas, for your sister's wedding you had no clue about?" Jaxon summarises pretty well, as the tailor takes in his jacket at the waist. I nod in response. "Well, tell your mother I'll be attending too."

"Really?" I scoff. "Why?"

"Because i want to watch the train-wreck in action. Besides, Noah's great and all but you need your bros to have your back"

"Your parents not going to be in town for Christmas again?" I ask, even though I bet I already know the answer.

"Nah, they're meeting with some investor, this latest business trip over run. Tell your mom Lexi and I will be attending then, she'd kill me if I didn't bring her along."

"I'll come too" Chad shouts out " If it's cool if I do" He adds on.

"Of course it's cool. But won't your mom scream that you aren't home for Christmas?"

"Nah this year she's taking extra interest in the church. She won't even notice I'm gone." Chad shrugs his shoulders dismissively.

"Okay, well I'll tell my mom you guys are coming too. Alec do you want to come" I say realising he is the only one not yet invited or inviting themselves to the 'Wedding of the year' .

"Nah, my parents would freak if i miss Christmas traditions. Last one I have before college"

"You'll be coming home for the holidays, won't you?"

"Of course. But it won't be the same."

"If you're sure you know you're always welcome. I'm going to charge my stepdad for all of our tickets" I say hoping Alec gets that money isn't an issue.

"Nah, it's chill. Just have to tell me how everything goes down. I bet it's going to be hilarious." Ale says but I can tell there's something else. Or someone else. Noah will be there and maybe it is best that they spend some time apart. I think as I am reminded of the weird conversation I had about Alec with Noah last. I think about mentioning it to Alec but think better of it- it's best not to kick a puppy when it's down. By the point of the wedding Noah and I will be officially out as a couple.

"So Alec, you're taking Kaya to the dance?" Jaxon says.

"Yup" Alec responds dismissively.

"That bitch is cray. Gotta love her though" Jaxon laughs. Then slaps Alec on the back. " if she tries one of her disappearing acts again on you, i swear I'll track her down and have Lexi kill her. Lexi is insane when she's mad- she'll give her what she deserves." Although he's joking we all can tell the sincerity in his words. He doesn't want to see Alec get hurt again by her, none of us do.

"Thanks man, I appreciate it" Alec says taking him into a bro hug.

"So, I'll pick up my date, Alec and Kaya. tHen pick up you too. Then we head to Kate's house for pictures and to pick up your dates." Chad says clarifying the plan. Although this isn't as big as prom, people still go all out. That's why we have a limo that Jaxon and I paid for. Everyone else offered to chip in, but considering how it really wasn't that much for either of us- we refused.

"That's the plan" i say feeling the same excitement and anxiety I feel every-time i think about the dance tomorrow.

"Cool. Do you think Kate's parents are going to make us take a full photoshoot?" Chad asks dreading the thought.

"I hope so" Jaxon squeals, loving the attention.

"From what Noah says. They are the type of parents to go full out. So, yeah I do think they will be expecting to do a full photoshoot thing." I laugh at the expense of Chad's revolted face and Jaxon's overly excited behaviour. This is why I love my friends, they were all so different. Yet all so unique and they made the perfect group of people to be with because together no matter what you always had someone to find the good and the bad out of every situation Yet together they all seemed to be able to make everything okay.

As I was about to speak some snide remark about Chad in his tux jacket my phone rings. Glancing down at the screen an unknown comes up- thinking it can't be someone important I ignore it. It goes to voicemail and the entire shop parlour is filled with the sound of my sister's a noxious voice. "Damian I just called to let you know I'm glad you and your boyfriend are attending my wedding. It will be nice to have you there celebrating my big day. I was actually wondering if you'd be the one to walk me down the aisle. I get that you're busy right now, so call me back when you get the chance." Then the end beep resonates.

"Dude she wants you to walk her down the aisle" jaxon scoffs at the Same time Alec says " so you and Noah are official- congrats man" though I can tell he isn't genuine.

Instead of responding I redial the number. Within two rings she picks up the phone. "Damian?"

"Hey sis" I say quietly. It's weird talking to my sister for the first time in months. We had always been so close yet the last few years I sometimes found it hard to recognise her voice anymore.

"Hi" she says in an exalt quiet time.

"So, you called" I say trying to get this conversation going.

"Yeah, um, I did" she says. "I wanted to say thank you for agreeing to come to the wedding"

"It's nothing" I say although I hated the thought of the whole thing. I knew she didn't want to do this, I could hear it in her voice and she was pregnant. How did her life go so wrong?

"And you're bringing your boyfriend" she laughs. "Mum was so mad when she said you insisted. I'm glad he's coming though- means you'll have someone to slow dance with and hopefully make all of this less boring for you."

"Yeah, I'm glad he should becoming. I still have to ask him. By the way Jaxon, Chad and more than likely Lexi too will be coming." I say remembering that they all just invited themselves along.

"Good, it'll be nice to see all your friends again. They are practically family they should be here." She says for the first time seeming light. They are my family I think though I think better not to say aloud.

"So, what's this about walking down the aisle?". I say referring to the craziness of this whole situation.

"Oh yeah, mom wants me to have our 'lovely' stepdad do it." I can hear the sarcasm in her voice. "you know I haven't even spent one holiday with them since they got married and maybe had two proper conversations with him during their entire marriage. I'm not having practically stranger walk me down." She says and you can hear her irritation in her voice. I'm glad I'm not the only one never warmed up to him. Though I never really had the chance, he was always taking mom to own new business trip or house somewhere else in the world.

"So you want me?" I ask.

"Well I want dad." I can hear her sniff across the line- in that moment I want to be able to reach through and give her a hug- something we haven't shared in years." But of course that's not possible. In a way I'm glad he would have hated this whole situation. Marriage to him was the perfect symbol of love. Not something you do to help maintain some guys rep."she rants. The finally she partially calms down and continues," Anyway yeah, since it can't be him- there is no one else but you. I know this probably seems strange considering we never talk anymore and that's my fault I know. But I would love for you to the honours. I want you to be part of my baby's life and I want us back. I way my annoying little brother back" I don't know whether it's the baby hormones or what but, she's emotional right now. I can't help but sympathise with my sister and for that I end up agreeing with her.

"I'd like that. And I'm going to be the cool uncle for sure."

She laughs, "of course".

It's then that I realise that maybe my family isn't so lost after all. Sure, nothing turned out the way any of us wanted, but we still have each other. If we made the effort and stopped pushing each other away, we could find a new sort of glue. No stepdad or anyone for that matter could replace my dad- he was one of a kind. But I was tired of feeling lost and alone. I was going to accept the chances offered to me, whether it be my friends wanting to hang out or my sister needing a baby sitter. I wasn't going to push anyone away. But most of all I wasn't going to let anyone, thing or myself push Noah away. My dad did have these idealised views of love but that was because he had never experienced anything else.

I have had one experience of love and although it wasn't perfect it was real and it was the kind that could last a lifetime. They say kids my age don't know what love is- that we're too young too. However most adults haven't experienced the grief and heartache I have. It is those experiences and those emotions that have allowed me to understand how incredible what Noah and I share is. Which is why I don't ever want to lose him- I couldn't.