December 12th 2015

Noah

Damian and I had started to hang out as friends now. I was starting to trust him again. I knew how I felt about him and I hoped he felt the same. Yet we weren't ready to bring feelings into this. We were just trying to figure out how we were supposed to be around each other. We didn't need to complicate it further.

As of right now we were at his house, revising for our last end of semester exam. I was sprawled across his floor as he lay face down on his bed. From a glance we looked like your typical teen boys. Yet there wasn't anything typical about us. If you looked for a little longer you'd catch us sneaking glances at each other from time to time. Or how when we talked to each other we either were biting back smiles or waves of anxiety. Although, I felt comfortable with him, there was so much we avoided talking about.

One thing, we seem to avoid to talk about, is the dance. If it involved anyone else and the dance, we were fine. Who was going with who. What people were doing, who was holding after parties. Those were safe grounds. Yet it seemed an unspoken rule to not mention or talk about any details regarding us. Why? I had no clue. I wanted to ask Damian a thousand and one different things. Yet it seemed impossible to do so. All words got caught in my throat and any questions about us and where we stood had no words.

So here I lay, staring at the same question for about fifteen minutes, contemplating this. "You okay there, Noah?"

"Yeah, why wouldn't I be?"

"Cause you look blank on what is probably the easiest question in the pack" and he was right, I had been staring at the easiest problem for ages. So I quickly and in embarrassment complete the rest of the pack in a few minutes. Once done I placed my pen down- lid on. And closed my book.

"I'm impressed you did that in no time at all" Damian scoffs, I hadn't realized he had been watching me work. I shrug sheepishly. "So what do you want to do now? I'm tired of studying" he asks.

Quite a few thoughts ran threw my head. None appropriate to repeat. "I don't mind" I mumble.

"We could watch some tv downstairs. Better yet why not watch some here?" He takes a remote off his bedside table and presses a button. A large screen pops out the end of the bed. He pats the spot next to him, for me to join. I do, apprehensive to be this close to him.

As I lay down next to him, thoughts of our first and only date run through my head. How we came back here and just talked for hours. How we spent our time getting to know each other. How I fell asleep next to him- waking up with him. Yet it was that next day that that works came crashing down. He hadn't come out and he backed out of doing so before.

I hate the fact I begin to doubt him now. I begin to doubt him actually coming out at the dance . I begin to think of all the ways he'll laugh it off with his team mates. How he'll make everything into a joke about me. I never felt so humiliated then when I heard him put me down that day. Why was I putting myself in that position again?

Without even thinking the next thing pops out of my mouth, "does Alec have a date to the dance?"

"Uh, I don't know. He might go with his ex" Damian shrugs completely caught off guard with where my mind went.

"The one who left him?" I question as my brows begin to furrow.

"Yeah, the one and only" he mutters, more focused on the dumb show, he's watching.

"He shouldn't go with her" I say matter of factly. I may not know her but I have heard the horror stories.

"I agree but I don't think he wants to go alone." He says still not paying me his full attention.

"He shouldn't go with her. He should come with us." I say, set on the new thought spinning in my head.

"What?" He says suddenly muting the screen and facing me.

"He should come with us" I repeat with a nod of my head, to drive the point home.

"No" Damian responds and with that turns on the volume again. I can tell, to him, the conversation is closed.

"Why not?" I demand as I grab the remote and turn the tv off.

"I don't want him to come" Damian states as he tries to reach for the remote. I move it before he can get it.

"It's a free country he can go to the dance if he wants too" I state as I hold the remote behind my back.

"I'm not talking about the dance. He can go if he wants to. I don't care. I just don't want him to come with us."

"Why?"

"Why? You're seriously asking me why? I don't know maybe I don't want the guy you were making out with, a few weeks ago, to come on our date with us. I get your new and all to the whole dating/ dance scene but that is a reasonable point." He grinds his teeth as he snarky responds. He's mad.

"I thought you were over that" I question as I marvel in the fact he is jealous.

"I am over that" he mumbles.

"Then it shouldn't matter" I state.

"You're unbelievable." He says as he climbs off the bed.

"Where are you going?" I ask, scared he's leaving me, for good this time.

"Why do you want Alec to come with us? He could go with anyone else, why does he have to come with us?" He answers my question with a question.

"Because I want him to have a good time. This is one of his last dances of his senior year, I want to know he enjoys it".

"You can make sure he has fun whilst there. You can talk to him there, check in on him if you must. I just don't get why he has to physically come with us"

"Isnt he one of your best friends?"

"Of course he is but that doesn't mean I want him third wheeling my date"

"He won't be third wheeling. He'll be a part of it."

"What?" he spits out and then bursts out laughing.

"I'm not having a threesome with Alec"

"I'm not saying that." I mumble as I can feel my cheeks heat up. "I'm just saying we could all go together, dance together, have fun together. The three of us." Why I'm suggestion to sabotage my date with Damian, to hang out with some other guy? I really don't know. But the words just keep coming out of my mouth and my stubbornness won't let me back out now.

"No" he yells and I feel as if our conversation has made a complete three sixty. We're back at him saying it's not going to happen and me trying to understand why he's so against it. If it was him suggesting it- I'd hate the idea. I just can't seem to say what I mean to say. But thoughts of him making me feel like a fool, come running through my head again and I'm back at supporting my strange idea. I know Alec would never feel embarrassed to be with me, he'd hold my hand openly, he'd be with me openly.

"Maybe this isn't such a good idea" I mutter.

"Thank you" he says as he throws his hands in understanding.

"Yeah, maybe we shouldn't go together. I'll see if Alec wants to go with me as just friends instead."

"What? Noah that's not what I meant. I want to go with you and just you. I want to be with you. I want it to be our night, no one else's" he tries to reason and that's what I want too. But I just can't seem to get that through my thick head.

"Without Alec?" I mumble.

"Noah it's me or him. You can't have have us both. You chose me or you chose him. This isn't an either or situation: it's a definite situation, you pick him- that's the end of us. You pick me- I don't think he'll take you back. Noah you've got to decide who you want. You can't have us both." He rants and without realising it, he repeats himself.

"I know and I've chosen you- I will always chose you." I say without hesitation and that's because that is the truth. No matter what I'll chose Damian, even if I'm humiliated in the process.

"Then what is with the sudden insistence with him coming with us?" Damian tries to understand my logic.

"I guess I need the reassurance I'll be with someone who wants to be with me." I admit.

"I want to be you" he says as he frowns. Him saying it in such a simple way makes it seems like the most obvious thing. Yet it's not.

"Really? Cause you have been avoiding any discussion about the dance and us as if it's the plague. At school, rumours are flying and you won't say a thing and you're acting as if I'm just a friend now. With Alec, I guess I know where I stand."

"You must know where you stand with me" he says in denial- confused that I don't understand the maze that is his head.

"Honestly, I don't. I can't help but feel like you'll bail on me. That you'll turn around and play it off as a joke again. Last time we started, you pushed me aside so easily when the tables turned against you. Chad may not oppose you this time but others still will. How do I know that you really are going to stand beside me- that you'll come out for me?"

"Because now I know what it is like to be without you. I know what it's like to hear your with someone else. I know what it's like to lose you and that is something I never what to relive. I can't promise it will be easy or that I'll be a perfect partner. But I can promise you that I'll stand by your side no matter what."

"Okay" I mutter as I look down, embarrassed that I ever doubted him.

"Noah?" He asks quietly.

"Yeah" I look up to face him.

"Can I ask you something?" He approaches me quietly but quickly

"Shoot" I say as he is suddenly beside me.

"Will you be my boyfriend for real now? Because I'd really like to take my boyfriend to the dance" he says as he takes my hand.

Instead of speaking: because I seem unable to voice what I'm thinking, I close the gap between us, as my form of answer.

________________________________________________________

After some more kissing and talking we lay cuddled up on his bed. In a way I felt we had reversed the clock and we're back to the day after our one and only date. He lay staring at me as he ran his hands through my hair. I enjoyed the feel of his touch, as I drew patterns against his chest. I rested my head against him and he seemingly scoops me into his arms further. He was much taller than me at six four- one of his advantages for being an amazing basketball player.

"You know, I've never been to one of your games" I laugh at the realization. He feigns mock hurt at my revelation. Then he resumes running his long fingers through my hair.

"That's why I like you. You don't care about the basketball- captain side of me. You care about what I think and what I feel. My dad used to say 'you can have any team but only one family'. I lost my family, so I made it my team. However, no matter how much those guys mean to me- no matter how my best friends are my brothers are on that team- they will never be the family I lost. Then you came along like your own little light. You never promised me family, a home, a new life. Yet you became all three of those things to me. In no time at all."

I lean up and peck his lips. There are so many things I want to tell him. There is so much I know I need to say. However, I'm back at that stage where I don't think I can vocalise anything. So I rest my head against his chest again and nuzzle myself.

Silence envelops us. Yet I feel comfortable with him- that feeling of comfort I used to feel around him, is back. I don't know how long we lay like that- me drawing patterns on his chest- his hands in my hair. After a while I hear him muttering something on repeat, 'Breathe a lot or Breathe a little'.

"What was that?" I ask.

"Nothing" he mutters, embarrassed. This only piques my curiosity more. I'm normally the embarrassed one between us.

"Come on, what is it? You promised to be honest with me, boyfriend?" I say jokingly as I push off his chest to sit up. Looking down at him he looks sexy with his messed up hair, and rumpled clothes. I definitely can get used to this.

"It just this stupid mantra I have. I say it to myself, it helps me get in the zone."

"What zone you trying to get into now?" I question as I raise an eyebrow at him.

"Nothing. Just helps my breathing- got to keep it steady for basketball." He lies straight through his teeth. I can tell, considering his cheeks are flaming and what he said made no sense.

"Okay, where did this mantra come from?"

"A poem"

"Poem? I didn't realise you liked poetry"

"I don't. It was just this one poem. Years ago, before everything I went to my sister's award ceremony for some story she wrote in D.C."

"And?"

"Some kid, must be about our age now, came on. He presented this poem. I don't remember what it really was about and I never understood what he meant. However, I just remember how beautiful his voice was and I swear he locked eyes with me at the end. I can't remember how they looked, I just remember they were so beautiful."

"So you liked this boy?" I joke though there is a pang of jealousy for some random kid I don't even know.

"He is probably the only guy, before you, I had ever had a crush on." Damian says wistfully. "You know, I don't remember his voice anymore or the way he looks. I just remember the way he made me feel as he said those words. He is single handedly, the best thing, I use to remind me of the past life I had. "

"He reminds you of your parents?"

"The whole lot. My parents, my sister, my old house, my old self. Sometimes I wish I could turn back the clock- not to change the past- just to relive it once more. I'd soak it up, I take in every detail. I wish I realised how good I had it." Damian muses in regret. I watch him for a moment then a thought occurs.

"You said 'breathe a lot or breathe a little,' right?"

"Yeah that's a line" I think back to why those words seem to stick out so much. It wasn't just the peculiarity that Damian was mumbling random words, it was the familiarity of the words he was mumbling.

"This competition wouldn't have been in 2008?"

"Yeah, around that time I think" I quickly do the maths and think about it. I think my initial thought might be right.

"This wouldn't happen to be the poem" I say as I open a file on my ancient laptop. The laptop I had come with today, for schoolwork, yet didn't actually use until now.

"Trees tower above us, like giants

colossal in their form

powerful because their tops can't be touched

wind will blow through their branches

like their calming heartbeats

bristling their leaves, but unable to keep a hold

for they are their own being

they can control how they work

they inhale the wind when they want

they can breathe a lot

or they can breathe a little"

Damian's eyes close as I recited the poem. It was a terrible poem, I cringed as I said most of it. To be fair I can't believe I wrote it. It didn't even make sense. But I guess for a ten year old that's supposed to be good?

"That's the one" Damian whispers as if in a trance of some sort. It's then that I can't help it anymore- I burst out laughing. It starts out a giggle then full blown hysterics. Damian's life long mantra was a poem I wrote that literally had no meaning.

His whole life was built off of meaningless words- this was priceless. His whole happiness and peace came from some dumb words I wrote to make my dad proud of me.

That day, I remembered for the way I felt seeing my parents 'be normal'. For seeing them smile and be proud of me. That day I remember because it was one of the last few memories I had, before everything completely fell apart. That trip to D.C. was one of the only good trips my parents and I had. I had never thought of anyone else there, anyone who didn't place, anyone who was watching. That day was one of the last good memories Damian had till his whole world fell apart. I never thought about what my words were saying to anyone else I just thought of how they affected me. The ambiguous nature of poetry had always been the thing I loved about it. I guess the ambiguity in this poem added to it's resolve.

Finally when I recover from my laughter I speak in explanation. "I wrote that poem, I was that boy you liked. I even still have the trophy at home to prove it."

"I knew I had seen you before the first day of school. You were just a little boy then." Damian says in wonder, as realisation hits. Then he chuckles to himself. "Turns out you are still the only guy I have ever liked. The only person for that fact- girl or boy."

"Good" I say. "If it's any compensation, you are the only person I have felt this way about too." I may have had guys I liked (Alec being one of the prominent ones) yet no one that made me feel the way Damian does- no where close.

"I'm going to write you a new poem" I decide. "It will fit you now and it will reflect all the good memories you have now. This time the poem will make sense. This time the poem will be about you" I say from my position from across the bed.

"I'd like that. Thank You" He says with a small smile.