December 9th 2015

Damian

Rumors had begun to fly, that I was going with Noah. It was a daunting process having whispers break out about me- it wasn't a new experience yet it still didn't stop it from being daunting. No matter what I had to face in the next few weeks, I didn't care, I don't regret asking Noah and watching his whole face light up. I made him smile like that and that was all that mattered. This time around I was going to be honest, I couldn't risk losing Noah again.

There was a group of my fan girls that kept arguing with people- some saying there was no chance in hell I'd be going with Noah as more than friends and others arguing it made sense. To be honest could any one remember a time where I had a steady girlfriend? Of course not, because I never had one. I'd bring the odd date to a dance or game but I never brought the same girl twice. I hadn't slept with any girl before because I was trying to honor my dad and how he saw love or at least that was what I tried to make myself believe. Even then I think a part of me knew that this wasn't what I wanted to do, I just wasn't ready to accept what that meant yet.

I don't know how people found out already or where the rumours came from. But I didn't care, I was going with Noah and nothing was going to ruin that. The only thing I was worried about now was Alec. He would have heard the rumours by now and he was already a mess, I didn't want to hurt him anymore than he was already hurting.

It seemed these days I was always searching him out. Trying to figure out what was going on in Alec's mind. He had always been an open book, but now he was going through a lot, especially money problems. It was like I didn't know how to read him at all. Even though he had opened up to me the the other day, I still felt as if there was something else going on, something else that caused him to seek out Noah as an escape.

I knew he liked Noah more than he was letting on, I knew he was lying when he said it was just some fun, to Jaxon the other day. After everything he had done for me, I owed it to him, to make sure he was okay, with Noah going with me to the dance.

It still didn't hurt less knowing one of my best friends betrayed me. But noah and I weren't dating and I wasn't blaming Noah- so why should I blame Alec? I never asked him how he felt, or who he liked. I just always assumed he'd tell me. I never paid any attention to him or his life the way he did mine. He always made sure he was someone i could go to, someone I could trust. Yet I wasn't that for him, I never did anything for him.

I had told Noah I was trying something new about being honest. If I were honest, I had been a crappy friend these past few years and yet my friends seemed to still stick by me. I wouldn't have blamed them if they had left me; cause I was in a crappy headspace for so long. I wasn't honest to the people who were the closest thing to family, that I had. Now, I was going to fix that- I still had a year and a half before everyone went off to college (Well Alec was leaving this year). But that only meant I had to act faster with him.

Starting now. We may have had a somewhat bonding moment a few days ago. But that hadn't repaired the rift in our friendship. I needed to make sure he knew he could come to me with anything and that I would always be there for him. Alec's feel good- happy go lucky side of him needed to come back and I was making it my mission to bring it back.

"Alec!" I practically cheered as I saw him. He swiveled on his heels to see who was yelling his name like a lunatic.

"Silva, what's up?" He asked, confused to see my over joyful presence.

"Well I thought after practice and Jaxon's detention. You, me, Jaxon and Chad could got for pizza- my treat. There are no more games till the new year anyway- so why not have a chill afternoon.

"Just the four of us?" he asked bemused. I couldn't help but here the double meaning in his words. 'Was Noah coming?' was basically what he wanted to know. But I wasn't going to bring Noah into something that I needed to fix. The drift my friends and I had was my problem and Noah wouldn't help that along.

"Yup the four of us, like old times!" I sing songed. He rose his eyebrow at that but made no comment.

"Well, i have no plans so why not."

"Great!" I did cheer this time. One down- two more to go. Jaxon wouldn't turn down free pizza any day, so he'd be easy. Chad I wasn't sure would be so easy to convince.

___________________________________________________________________

"Hey, man" I greet. I found Chad shooting hoops in the empty gym. He was dressed normally so I knew he just came in here to clear his head and pass time. I signalled for him to pass- he did. Then i mock began to side-step around him as if we were in a one-on-one game. "He shoots, he scores!" I yell as I make a clean shot into the basket.

"well done man. But don't be too proud that was an easy shot with no defence." Chad deadpans.

"Fine you against me- the first to five wins" That was all it took and he was off. Scrambling for the ball and using agility to pass me by, he headed for the opposing hoop.

He beat me four to five and I was glad. We were both panting and although this hadn't been real our friendly competition had made the game heat up quite quickly.

"So what do i get know that I trumped your ass?" Chad gloats proudly.

"Jaxon, Alec and I are going for pizza after practise. It's my treat and I'll let you pick as you are victorious."

"You want me to come?" He asks in bewilderment.

"Of course I do. We've been friends since pre-k. Why wouldn't I want you to come?"

"I don't know, cause lately I can't tell whether you like or hate me. I mean you and Noah had all your problems because of me." He says as if it's obvious. Yes, i may have been mad at how he treated Noah and how he reacted to me being with Noah. but I couldn't blame him for the problems noah and I faced- that was all on me. If I had been honest from the start about everything all of this could have been avoided.

"I don't hate you. I've never hated you. I just been all over the place lately. But i'm trying to fix that. So please come, I want to hang out with you and the guys like we used to." I practically plead. But from the small smile on Chad's face it was the right thing to say.

_____________________________________________________________________

After an exhausting practice and a quick shower, the guys and I met outside the school. Everyone clambered into my Mustang and with that we were off.

Alec sat in shotgun whilst Jaxon and Chad practically wrestling in the back. As drove to Marco's, a pizza diner in town, a place where used to hang out tons when we were younger.. A Time where the most exciting thing to happen would be a girl saying hi to us in the halls and scoring a basket in practice.

Alec was looking out the window, oblivious to the rest of us. So I decided to put on a band I knew he'd hate and get a reaction from. I put One Direction on shuffle at 'History' came on. In a weird way it was fitting. Chad and Jaxon stopped play fighting as the speakers filled the car. Just as Chad began to protest, Jaxon began belting the lyrics and cursing out Zayn.

"What's wrong with you?" Alec spoke for the first time. We all turned to him to see what he was going to say. I think the guys even realised how oddly quiet he was today. "Zayn was by far the best member of the band, he deserved to go out on his own"

"No, no- jsut no! We are not going to be thirteen year old girls fighting over our favourite member of One Direction. If this conversation or song continues,i'm jumping out the car right now." Chad warned. He seemed to have some vandetta against One D.

"I agree with Chad" Jaxon Says.

"You do?" We all ask in unison.

"Of course, this conversation needs to end. It's obvious, Nial was the best. He was Irish and wore braces for most of the band's career. He was the best by default." Jaxon reasons and i just can't believe that my suave- ladies man of a best friend said something like that or even knew that. Alec jumps in to defend Zayn and well the rest of the band and I can't help but laugh at the sight I'm seeing in my rearview mirror. Alec leaning across the armrest to practically throttle Jaxon who is sticking by his guns. My friends were crazy and I loved them for it. I missed this- I missed us.

"O-kay, well i'm just going to change it" Putting my phone on shuffle, Train's 'Hey, Soul Sister' came on. Before I knew it we were all belting the lyrics. Enjoying the feel good song, if felt like i had rewinded time. We were a bunch of preteens with no care in the world- being wacky and crazy together.

After the song finished, it automatically changed to the next. There was an unanimous reaction of a groan as Taylor Swift's 'Shake it Off' came on.

"Turn it off before I become permanently deaf" Jaxon overdramatically cries.

"I second that" Chad yells. "This is torture in it's worst form"

"Don't say that in front of Noah, he'd kill you. Biggest Swiftie I know." I laugh as I turn up the volume just to annoy them further. Then I realised, I mentioned the name I had planned to avoid at all costs today. Hoping no one had heard I begin to sing the chorus with T-swizzle.

"Noah?" Alec voices and I know they heard. Other than Taylor's voice there is a deafening silence enveloping the four of us as I nodd.

"That boy is messed up" Jaxon attempts to joke.

"Don't say that" Both Alec and Chad defend him automatically. I'm just looking at the two of them. Alec from the corner of my eye and Chad from the rear view mirror.

"Sheesh, I was just referencing his music taste" Jaxon says as he puts his hands up in surrender. I make a quick turn onto a side street and the song changes again. This time to R. City's 'Make up'.

"He's been through a lot, he doesn't deserve you making jokes about him" Chad grumbles.

"Like you pummeling him because he's gay?" Jaxon says and I can feel the tension beginning to rise.

"I didn't hurt him because he's gay!" Chad growls. I turn the music up louder as it sings 'we fight just to make up' hoping it will give them some ideas. This was wahat I was definitely trying to avoid.

"Oh, yeah. tHen why did you hurt him? What he do that deserved him having you and your mates harassing him?"

"He hurt me and Silva and I was acting out of revenge. I wasn't thinking straight and I have been trying to make it up to him since then. So just butt out- this has no concern to you. "

"It does concern me, when Damian's taking Noah to the dance. How do I know you're not going to freak out and snap at them then? How do I know you're not going to get your homophobic friends to gang up on them? Huh? Huh? How?" jaxon sputters and i hit the replay button on the song just in hopes it will get through to them this time.

"I wouldn't hurt them again- no matter what. Noah's my brother now, I will always stand by him even if I don't agree with somethings about him."

"By somethings you mean being gay?" Alec butts in.

"The way he wants to live his life is his choice. As long as he's not hurting anyone it's not my concern." Chad says and he locks eyes with me through the mirror.

"But you still have a problem with being gay. You still think it's a choice" Jaxon states, mad.

"No I don't" but even i can tell he doesn't mean it. "Actually I do, I know people who were gay who aren't now."

"Who?" who?" Jaxon demands. When Chad doesn't reply " Exactly, no one" he snarls.

"Me" Chad whispers as the song finishes and I arrive at the diner. I put the car in park and turn off the engine, causing any new song from playing. I turn around in my seat.

"You?" i ask confused.

"Me." he repeats this time looking me in the eyes, directly. " I thought for a long time I was in love with a guy. But after some treatment and realisation i wasn't anymore."

"Who?" Alec asks, but i can tell he already knows. Feeling a little out of the loop I look at Chad expecting him to answer.

"You" he says looking me in the eyes.It's then that everything finally clicked. All the little things that Chad used to do for me alone. Everything Alec had ever hinted at me with. Everything Chad had done to Noah was out of jealousy not hate.

"So what, you don't love Silva anymore?" Jaxon scoffs.

"I don't think I ever really was in love with Silva. I had it confused in my head. Admiration and inspiration. The way I felt about him was made out of this need to feel the way I saw Silva to be. Then when seeing all the hurt Silva was facing, all the hurt you were facing Damian- I wanted to be the reason it went away. I thought that if I could be your comfort, you'd be happy again. I think I thought I was in love with you because I wasn't able to understand that you can love someone without needing to be with someone. I didn't have a dad growing up and you didn't have yours either; there was a connection there. I wanted both of our pain to go away and I thought we could make it go away for each other. I didn't have an experience of family love- my family has always been jacked up. But now that I have Noah, I know what it means to love someone as a brother, as someone you'd die for. Someone you'd do anything for- who you hurt for when you see them hurt. But you're not in love with romantically."

"You didn't understand the emotions you had been feeling so you acted out. I get it" I say and I do. I had spent years doing it. Putting up fronts- saying things I didn't mean. Because I didn't want to face the hurt I felt, I didn't want to face the pain and guilt and betrayal. Emotions I was scared were eating me up inside. So I hid them away and did things I'm not proud of. I lied about everything so I didn't have to face the truth.

"Exactly. In my head I thought the love I felt for you meant I was in love with you. I would have done- still would do anything for you. But not because I want to be with you just because I love you. I will always love you, you're my family I just didn't know that then."

"So you don't have a problem with him and nNah being together?" Jaxon says still trying to put all the pieces together.

"No, I guess I don't. Not anymore. Although, if either one of them hurts the other, I don't know what I'd do. Both of them are my brothers. So are you Jaxon and you Alec. I made some stupid mistakes, i've been confused for a long time. The summer I didn't go to basketball camp was the summer I went to a conversion camp. I came back knowing I wasn't gay because I wasn't like those other guys there, i didn't feel the same way as those guys felt. I thought that meaning that I was fixed and that any gay guy could be fixed. But now, I'm thinking maybe I was never gay or bi or any of that. I was just confused with what my feelings meant. I don't know if any of this is making sense."

"It makes complete sense" Alec responds " When I started to realise I was bi, I was confused. I had always liked girls so how could I suddenly like guys as well. I thought that maybe something was broken in me, but we are all made different. that's the beauty of it. I don't see the need for labels or all this fuss about it. You can like or love whoever you want and you should never feel ashamed about it. But that doesn't mean all love is equal or the same- sometimes it takes a while for us to realise that."

"I agree. I had no idea what you were going through. If i had known I wouldn't have punched you to the ground. I'm sorry" Jaxon says.

"You punched him?" I asked confused.

"Ancient history" Jaxon waves off.

Chad laughs at whatever this was and finally speaks. "Well enough of the gushy stuff. I'm starving and Silva you promised i'd get to pick"

_____________________________________________________________________

Like Chad had asked there was no more emotional stuff. We had three large pizzas between the four of us. Don't ask how we finished that much- the way a teenage boy works is still a mystery to me.

The conversation, centred around basketball, school, Alec's college applications, plans for the winter break and Jaxon's over elaborate way of asking Kate to the dance. "I still can't believe she said yes" Alec laughs. As the evening continued the four of us had found our way back to each other. Having Chad finally clear the air with us had made it easier to move forward. I didn't blame him anymore, not that I really did before. But at least now i could understand him better. Jaxon was goofing around in his carefree nature but I knew all the talk about parents bummed him out. His parents were barely ever around, always on some business trip or other. He missed them a lot more then he let on. As for Alec he came out of his shell as the night progressed. Being a year older he had a maturity the rest of us didn't. He was the one making sure we didn't start a food fight or make a snarky comment about our waitress. She was an older lady who seemed unable to understand anything we were saying. Although Jaxon teased him about being a buzzkill. We all appreciated him for always having our backs and i think he enjoyed telling off us way too much.

I'm going to hate it when he goes off to college next year. Truth be told I'm going to hate it when all of us are at college. We won't be together, this bond that I hadn't appreciated enough will be gone. I don't doubt we'll always be friends- but I won't be able to lean on them same as I always have. So for the time I have left, I'm going to make it count more than ever.

"Noah said he thought she was going to rip your head off" I mention and Jaxon laughs.

"Oh, she was. When we went to the principal's office she was fuming- she looked hot not going to lie- but she was mad. I had to explain to her and the principle that I risked my life and vandalised school property because i thought there was no way she'd say yes. I don't think anyone other than Noah would have thought she'd say yes if I asked her normally. I'll admit I laid it on pretty thick when I came to explain how much she meant to me- not that I was lying or anything- just that I'd never usually say crap like that. But it worked she said yes and something in Sir's ice cold heart melted because I got away without suspension."

"She's really excited and from what Noah says her dress is amazing." I continue.

"Why is your boyfriend getting sneak peeks of my girls dress?" Jaxon demands.

"Because they're best friends" I state the obvious.

"So, Noah'S the girl in this relationship" Chad scoffs.

"There are no girls in gay guy relationship. It defeats the whole point" Alec protests.

"I'm just saying I know who tops now" Chad tries to reason. I can feel my cheeks begin to colour. Noah and I are a long way from anything like that. Not that the thought hasn't crossed my mind before. I guess we'll have to see.

"I;m going to the bathroom" Alec excuses himself. I know that this is my time to clear the air and from the way Jaxon is signaling to me i think he agrees so too. So I quickly follow him into the bathroom.