December 3rd 2015

Damian

It was strange. Life was strange. Chad and Noah had suddenly become inseparable. I get that they were trying to make up for all the lost time and trying out 'being brothers' or whatever. However, I had gotten used to them hating each other; having them close and willing being part of each other's lives was just odd.

I mean- don't get me wrong- I was happy for them- we all were. But we all barely saw either of them unless they were together. Other than basketball practise and school Chad was with Noah. whilst Noah seemed to be intentionally avoiding Alec and I. As for Alec and I, we were barely speaking. Considering that he once was the only person I could turn to, it was hard not having him there. Yet every time I saw him, I visualised him with Noah and that hurt.

I know he never meant to break my trust, however, he went after the guy he knew I liked. He didn't take my feelings into consideration and I looked up to him! He told me to back off of Noah and I couldn't help but feel like he did that so I wouldn't be in the picture. No matter how much I told myself not to speculate I just couldn't stop and that was tearing me apart from the inside out.

Though, I now know Alec is hurting. I had never paid any attention to his feelings before and yet it was like I couldn't stop seeing them now. In the school hallways, his eyes would always drift to Noah (who always seemed to be too interested in Chad!). He always seemed to be trying to be the first one to help Noah with anything. With Noah purposefully ignoring him he seemed to just be getting sadder.

It was that knowledge that made me decide I needed to confront him. I couldn't lose one of my best friends- my older brother- over something so stupid. (Okay kissing Noah isn't something stupid- it's actually pretty amazing). That was why I was now standing in front of his house. I could see his younger siblings playing in the yard but I needed to get to Alec alone.

After knocking on the door a familiar face finally answered "Damian what are you doing here?" Alec asks. For the first time in forever I take him in. Standing before me isn't the same swagger-filled, cocky bastard, I knew. This wasn't even half the man I had always looked up to. He was disheveled: hair too long, old sweats on- covered in some strange stain and a stench highlighting that he hadn't showered in days.

"I came to talk to you" I respond in a rather calm voice considering how my insides were eating themselves out. Alec just nods as he swings the door far enough open for me to enter after him. He takes me up to his room- the one he shares with one of his brothers. Seeing that at least this hadn't changed made me feel comfortable.

"We need to talk,moneys" I say as soon as the both of us are seated.

"What, are you breaking up with me?" he asks without an ounce of humour in his voice. He has one eyebrow raised and I can't help but feel like that could be a plausible ending to this encounter.

"No, I want to know why you didn't tell me about you and Noah. Since when did you like Noah?" I say. Immediately regretting it. My voice came off a lot more accusing than I hand intended it to be.

Alec just laughs a humourless laugh. "I don't know. Maybe I didn't tell you because I knew you would rip my head off about it. Who cares anyway, Noah doesn't want me so he's all yours. If anything you should be more concerned about Chad the way those two are always together- who knows what's going on there." I want to yell at him. I want to tell him to get his life together. However, I have never seen him this way. Not even when his girlfriend, for two years, dumped him as she left for college.

"What's really going on Alec?" I ask as I move towards him. I don't care at this moment what he did for me, he's really hurting and considering all the times he's been there for me I need to be here for him.

He looks at me. Those words seem to act as a trigger for him as his whole face crumbles. His resolve breaks and I can see the scared little boy. "Why do you care, I tried to take the guy you're in love with away from you. I tried to break your heart. I was selfish, you shouldn't care about me. You should hate me!" he sobs as he yells. His voice getting more choked with each cry.

"I don't hate you Alec." I say as if I'm talking to a toddler. Something is seriously wrong and I can't help think kissing Noah was his cry for help. "Just tell me what's going on- let me help you"

"You won't come out, Noah deserves a guy who would do anything for him. Even come out and you won't do that. He won't admit it but it hurts him, that he's not enough for you, to make that plunge and be honest for. He was upset that you weren't there and he needed someone. I was there I was able to help someone for once. To be of use, to be wanted. I loved that feeling, the feeling Noah allowed me to feel for once. I'm sorry Damian, I just wanted to feel that for once."

"But you are loved and you are wanted. You have helped me countless of times you are useful. You're a brother to me. You must know how much you mean to me, the team and your whole family-" it was the second I said 'family' that the tears flooded down. There was no stopping them now.

"I can't help them. They need money and I can't hold down a job. I can't go to college cause I can't make any basketball scholarships- I'm not good enough. My own girlfriend left me cause I wasn't good enough." he sobbed as I awkwardly patted his back. I saw it then, the perfect guy with his whole life together was an illusion. He had spent this entire time sorting out my problems cause he couldn't fix his own. He'd been there for me and I had never seen how much he was hurting. Noah picked up on it, though, he had been there for Alec in a way I couldn't be. For that small time, he was the solace Alec needed. However, Noah felt guilty, h realised he couldn't be that solace and unsure of how to tell Alec that he ran. For the first time, I felt anger against Noah. I couldn't blame him, Alec wasn't his best friend that he needed to fix but he shouldn't have added to Alec's hurt.

"If money is an issue, you know I could always help you out" I offer. It's not Noah's job to help Alec- it's mine.

"I can't ask you for that," he said pushing away from me, to look me in the eye.

"You're not asking; I'm offering" he begins to shake his head in protest. "Alec, if anything you'd be helping me. I hate that money, I blow through it every saturday night in those parties just to get rid of it. If I just stopped holding those, I could help you and your family. Whilst clearing my guilty conscious. That money isn't anymore mine then yours or anyones for that matter. So why can't I help you out. My mom and stepdad don't need it." I say and I can see the wheels turning in his head. If college tuition fees or bills need to be paid I can do it. It would do some good to use all that money for some good for once.

"Thank God" I exclaimed happily. Alec gives me a questioning frown as he begins to dry his eyes. "I finally have an excuse to stop those stupid parties- they drive me insane every weekend. Don't worry though no one has to know that I'm helping you out- that we'll be our secrets between brothers." with the mention of 'brothers' the smile I had missed finally spreads across Alec's face.

___________________________________________________________________

After I had spent some time chilling with Alec and making amends. We settled for the past being in the past- one kiss wasn't going to bring down years of friendship. I decided it was about time I paid my other best friend a visit. That was how I ended up at Jaxon's house, as he spied on Kate, across the street.

"Dude what the hell are you doing?" I laugh at the sight in front of me. Jaxon was kneeling beside his windowsill- binoculars in hand, as he tried to peer into Kate's room.

"Remember we used to do this when we were kids, collecting intel for Lexi." Jaxon says reminding me of the days where there was only hatred between Lexi and Kate. At the age of twelve any excuse to impersonate James Bond was good enough. But now at seventeen, I had some respect for someone else's privacy.

"No, seriously what are you doing?" I ask as I hover above Jaxon. He spins around to glare at me, yet when noticing my presence grabs the end of my shirt pulling me down to squat next to him. I just stare at him apprehensively, anticipating him to finally answer my seemingly reasonable question.

"I'm watching Kate for intel." When Jaxon realises that answer isn't sufficient enough he continues. "I want to see if Kate has a date yet for the winter formal. If not, I'll ask her just to go casually as friends" He says nonchalantly as if that is the normalest of things.

"Why?"

"Why 'I'm stalking her'? Or why 'am I asking Kate out'?" Jaxon asks as he begins to peer further into her bedroom window, through the binoculars.

"Why ask her out as just friends? It's obvious you like her. I swear you've always had a crush on her, since like middle school. Just suck it up and ask her out."

"That's a bit rich coming from you" Jaxon mutters vengefully in embarrassment.

"What's that supposed to mean?" I ask, a little annoyed.

"You want to go with Noah to the dance. Yet you're not going to ask him out to be your date, instead you were asking Ash, earlier today, whether you all want to go stag together. Noah wants to go out on a date- if not with you he'll find someone else, whether it be Alec- or some other gay guy. "

"What are you talking about?" I scoff.

"Noah's a catch. You must see how many people check him out daily. Half the girls at school want him; half the guys what to do him. He rocks that whole hipster geek look and with the fact he is on the track team he's got a good physique." Jaxon appraises.

"Well, if you think he's such a catch why don't you ask him out" I bite back.

"I would never do that to you." he says in mock support as he pats my shoulder. "Besides he may be hot- but he's not my type. I prefer a more bigger, musclier man the ones you know who can protect you and still are willing to cuddle."

"What the fuck man," I say pushing away from Jaxon consequently causing him to burst out laughing.

"Dude, everyone knows I like Kate. yet I can't get my act together and ask her out. Do you know I've had seven girls ask me to the formal today alone and yet I turned all of them down. Why? Because I can't get Kate out of my head! What is wrong with me?" Jaxon whines.

I can't help but chuckle at that. Jaxon, always a ladies man, can't ask a girl out. What has the world come to? "You're in love. L.O.V.E this is a thing when two people really like each other. Or when one person likes another so much so that no one compares, you hate the thought of them with someone else-" with that thought my mocking turns to a realisation. For a while I knew I loved Noah, but now I know I am in love with him. I think I have always been in love with him.

"What am I going to do, man?" Jaxon continues to moan from the floor. Looking mock devastated.

"How about I make you a deal?" I volunteer. This causes him to bolt right up in excitement.

"What sort of deal?" He questions intrigued, "is food involved?"

"Possibly. How about this- you ask Kate out tomorrow and I'll ask Noah out. If both of us get accepted we celebrate, if neither of us we mourn our losses, if one does and the other doesn't we treat the loser out to whatever they want."

"You seriously want to go with Noah. Dude that would mean you'd be coming out." Jaxon says ignoring the rest of my deal, just to fixate on the bit I was most apprehensive about.

"Yeah, I do. Earlier I was with Alec today and he mentioned that Noah deserves a guy who would do anything for him. I'm in love with him so I should be willing to do whatever it takes to be with him. Why am I not? It makes no sense."

"I'm proud of you. Noah likes you and there is no way he's going to say no."

"I'm only going to ask him to the formal if you ask Kate"

"We have a deal," Jaxon says, slapping me on the back. "Tomorrow we'll celebrate our victory like kings."

"I'm really going to come out for him" I whisper.

"And I'll be by your side every step of the way." Jaxon says. I can't help but smile. For so long I spent hung up on everything I had lost, I wasn't being grateful for what I had. An amazing friend who would always be there for me.