November 20th 2015

Noah

Life's good until it's not. That's how it goes. We live in anticipation, whether its for a day of school or work to end, for the weekend to come, for the next holiday to be here. We live to wait. Those good things last for some time then they're are gone and we're left waiting till they come again.

I spent most of my days, my entire life waiting for those simple little moments of serenity. Those days, or hours that my dad forgot the drink existed. He would be sober and in those minutes a real dad. One who cared about me, how I was, how school was. The one who'd cheer me on at track meets and be by my side when I won poetry competitions. But those moments came every blue moon. But when they were here I could pretend my life was normal, I was loved and that everything was okay.

My fondest memory was a trip I took, when I could have been only twelve, to Virginia. The only time I had ever been here before moving here. We stayed in a small suburban town that had an easy commute into Washington D.C. We had come down for a National Poetry Competition. The three of us, mum, dad and me, back when my family felt whole. My mum and dad cheered me on as I accepted the prize and recited my poem. But once the proud moment was done, once I was no longer something to be celebrated, something to be prided and shown off. I became something to belittle, something to beat down, and look down upon.

No child at the age of twelve should hear those words targeted at them. No child at the age of twelve should feel those hits and punches at them. No child should ever feel that abuse no matter the age. My mum tried, she did try, to defend me for a while. But like everything in life, that stopped.

My poetry turned dark for a while then, filled with all the unspoken pain. The screams I couldn't voice, came to life on the page. But that stopped too, my mother used to tell me stories of how our life would change, how she would make it better. My poetry turned hopeful then. All the dreams I was to scared to believe in came to life then. But that stopped to, that stopped the minute my mother left me. She left me to suffer the abuse alone.

My immediate thought, once I realised I was in the hospital, after waking up, was that my dad had done it. Do you know what it's like to have the only flesh and blood you have left, be the thing you dread most? Do you know what it's like to feel so scared of the one who created you, molded you? Do you know what it's like to hate the one person you can't help but love the most, for they are all that you have?

I hope not. I hope all of these things are unimaginable. I would never wish any of this on anyone else.

After I came home, my dad treated me like the most precious thing in his world. I was doted on the way any child waking up from a coma should be doted on. But the minute I slipped up, the minute I showed an imperfection was the minute my real dad came back. With all the pent up rage he had stored, with all the grief he carried. With all the misery he felt.

He lashed out the only way he knows how to lash out. On me.

Now I stand in a locked bathroom. Perched against the sink, staring in the mirror. Trying to convince myself I'm not hiding from the monster out there. But there are only so many lies you can tell yourself. I stare at my reflection. I'm thinner, being in a medically induced coma does that to a person. My eyes are tired, the bags that almost always are present aren't there, yet I'm still tired. Tired of my life and everything in it. Tired of being who I am, tired of just living. There's a cut along my hairline, the blood's been washed away, but it will leave a nasty scar. My torso is littered with freshly formed bruises. Handprints are just the few of the marks that taint my skin. The blueish-purple marks forming, are a reminder to how my life normally is. To how my life was before we moved here. Before I met a certain silver eyed boy who made me release emotions and feelings that have laid dormant in me for so long. Before I made friends with a Filipino girl who made it okay to be whoever I wanted to be.

But I don't regret any of the choices I have made since coming here. I have an odd group of friends, who mean the world to me. I have a boy who may not know it now, but is the one for me. Although so much of my life feels like crap there is hope for me. Winter break will be here soon, then one more semester till senior year. Then freedom and like that I'll be able to leave the past and this life behind. But I do intend to keep a hold of the good that I do have for as long as I can.

It's these thoughts that give me the strength to push away from the sink. To straighten myself up and to unlock the door. All I have to do is go outside into my room and dial Kate. She'll pick me up and I can escape this place for a while. Like always she'll be my safe haven till my dad passes out and I'm free of his wrath.

I dash out the door, when I think the coast is clear, but he heard me. I grab the phone and try to make a retreat to the bathroom. He is faster though, anticipating my next move, he makes a swing at my head. I fall to the floor. I My vision goes blurry but I stumble up and sprint back to the bathroom, and press against the door.

It takes everything in me to make the door lock, then slide to the floor, keeping my back against the door. I can't make out the names well on my phone, now that I have friends I have contacts. It's great normally but right now it's making it hard to find Kate. I can't be choosy, my head is pounding, before I know it I might black out. I pick a random number, just glad I was able to hit the call button in my blurred daze.

After several rings, I hear a very unsure voice "hello" I can't speak, my head is pounding and my throat is raw from crying earlier. "Hello, Noah?" they repeat.

"Yeah, it-its me" I croak.

"Noah are you alright?" Their voice becomes panicked.

"Y-yeah, I just need you to pick me up, I can't stay here, not at home. Please come and hurry"

"Yeah, I'll be right over"

"Th-thank you, Damian"

Now there is only one more problem getting from this bathroom, out the front door. I look through the keyhole, my dad isn't in my line of sight, for a matter of fact i can't hear him at all. I chance it, and unlock the door. I try to step onto my feet, but my head is pounding and everything is dizzy. I can't see straight so i just move forward, or at least what I think is forward. I keep my hands out in front of me, to make sure I don't walk into anything. I probably look like some demented zombie, I sure feel like one.

After what feels like an eternity of fumbling on my feet I make it to the door. It take several attempts however I manage to eventually get the door open. My dad must be passed out somewhere, otherwise he would sure of had another go at me by now. I make it out the house, closing the door behind me and stumble down the porch steps.

I make it to the grass part of my front garden. Then I trip. Then all goes black.

______________________________________________________________

I wake up to those bright lights again, my head is spinning. But from being here so often, I recognise my location immediately. The hospital.

"Oh honey, you're awake" The nurse tending to me cheers. I look at her. She is probably in her late thirties with a motherly vibe to her. She looks genuinely kind and I can't help but feel relieved that I'm being attended to by someone like her.

"What happened? How did I get here" Voicing words for the first time in what seems like forever.

"Oh dear, you fainted. You had quite a few knocks to the head there, you were out cold for a little while. A nice young gentleman brought you in. He was adamant to stay with you, but the doctors asked him to wait out in the waiting room."

"Oh, can he come in?"

"Sure thing honey. I'll send him right through"

Moments later the door gently swings open " Noah, you're awake!" Damian sighs in relief.

"Yup, still living and breathing"

"Don't joke about things like that. You really scared me when I got to your house. I drove you straight here, I was so worried."

"Sorry, I didn't mean to worry you. I was actually trying to call Kate, I just couldn't make out the numbers correctly. You can go now, I'm alright"

"No, i'm glad you called me. I told Chad to lay off you, can't believe he didn't. I'm staying with you till you get discharged." Damian says matter of factly.

"Don't be mad at Chad this wasn't him."

"Then who the fuck did this to you, Noah?"

"It-it-" and just in that moment Kate comes barging through the door.

"Oh my God, Noah are you okay?" Kate says rushing to my side.

"Yeah, yeah I'm alright"

"He did this to you again, didn't he? I told you to stay away from that bastard. That's it you're moving back into my place, I don't care if you don't want to. I'm going to be keeping an eye on you from now on."

"Fine, whatever" I say, defeated. Everyone will soon know I can't defend myself from my dad. Better to just stop pretending I can.

"Who did this to you?" Damian asks again but Kate cuts him off.

"I'll call Ash and Alec, they should be here"

"Please don't, they don't need to know." I protest

"Honey, it's our jobs to protect you" She tries to reason.

"Yes it is, as your best friends and-" she looks in Damian's direction then lowers her voice "boyfriend"

"He is not my boyfriend" I shoot back in an equally quiet tone.

"Uh-oh, friends and benefits. I see, we'll talk about that later" She says waggling her eyebrows at me.

"You two do realise I can hear you right?" Damian replies in a monotone voice. I can't tell if he is mad or just doesn't care about the subject matter. "Now, will someone please tell me who did this to you? So I can punch their face in."

"I'll leave that to you" Kate says, making a quick retreat, phone in hand.

"It-it" I try to say again. Damian has been nothing but honest with me, the least I can do is be the same with him.

"It?" He asks getting impatient.

"It was my dad" I say finally.

"Your DAD!!" he yells. Then lowers his voice. "Your dad?" I nod in response. "Noah, how long has this been going on?"

"Since I was twelve" I say looking at my hands as I twiddle my thumbs. I just can't find it in me to look at him.

"That's what Ash meant about what's going o at home. God everyone knew before me. Why didn't you tell me?"

"It's not something i just tell people. Kate found out by helping me before you and I were even a thing. Whilst Ash, he's just Ash, he figured it out himself. I never told him anything. He just knew. I didn't tell you, because it's not something I like to broadcasting to people."

"And Alec, does he know?"

"No, why would he know?"

"Because aren't you two a thing?"

"One kiss doesn't make us a thing."

"So you too kissed?" i nod, unable to meet his eyes again. "Did you enjoy it"

"It was nice at the time, but looking back at it was a mistake. "

"A mistake?"

"Yeah" i gulp about to admit just how much of a sleazeball I am. If Damian didn't hate me before, he sure will now. "I did it because I was mad at you. You were ignoring me and I hated it, so I let Alec kiss me because I knew it would hurt you."

"You used one of my best friends to get to me?"

"I know it was stupid and dumb and wrong. However, I was hurt. He was there, you weren't. I couldn't help myself. So many people had hurt me or let me down in my life, I couldn't let you be another one. "

He just stares at me for a moment. I can't make out what he's thinking. He has his game face on, a complete blank slate. "Please say something" I whisper.

"So your dad put you in hospital the first time too, yet you still went back to him."

"That wasn't him" I say, surprised I'm still defending him.

"I thought you didn't remember anything. Or did you lie about that too?"

"I didn't lie about anything, not to you. I don't remember anything. But I just know that wasn't him. It's not his style, I know him. Please can we just stop talking about that"

"Fine" With that he goes quiet. I want to talk to him ask him everything. See if we are okay, find out why he started ignoring me. But I can't make the words out. After about ten minutes of uncomfortable silence. As if reading my mind he explains.

"You know, I never meant to hurt you. I was trying to protect you and myself. Chad agreed to stop beating on you, if I chose him over you. So I did. It seemed like the best option since I couldn't live watching you move on with your life and this way I could feel at least like I was protecting you."

"It wasn't your job to protect me"

"Yet I wanted it to be"

"I wasn't moving on with my life" I reply.

"Yes you are, you're going out there, proud of who you are. You may not be dating anyone right now, but you will. That will never be me, cause I screwed up.

"You didn't screw up"

"Yes I did"

"No you didn't"

"Yes I did. You may not realise it but you have, first Alec then the next guy. You're a great guy Noah, if you give people the chance they will see it too."

"You don't get it. I liked being with Alec. Because for the first time I was the one in control of a situation. I have spent my life having people i trust the most make promise after promise after promise then brake promise after promise. I couldn't let you be another one, so I jeopardised us." I voice, speaking plainly and a hundred percent honestly with Damian for the first time ever.

"I can't be what you want." Damian says flatly.

"Just be my friend, that's all I'm asking for" That's not what I want, but if that is all I can get at the moment then I'll take it.

"Then I can't protect you from Chad"

"You can't protect me. Not from Chad, he can always find other ways around it" Just like that all the memories came flooding back and suddenly I remembered just how I ended up in the hospital- in a coma. 

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