November 7th 2015

Noah

It's been a day and I have already ended myself up in some form of medical room at least this time I'm not on bed watch, in a hospital. Just the school's medical room, and I'm accompanied with Jaxon and Alec. " You shouldn't have done that Jaxon" I say as I look over at him. His eye is swelling to form a nice size bruise and his lip is split. But the worst is his nose which looks like it has been disfigured. "You have a game in two days, how are you supposed to play looking like that?" I say, angry at the fact that he put himself in harm's way over me. I don't deserve it, nor do I appreciate it. I just feel guilty, he's hurt because of me, it would only be worse if I was the one who physically assaulted him.

"It's chill, things have been lame lately." He says in attempt to comfort me.

"But I don't want you to get in trouble because of me. What if you get suspended and can't play the rest of the season because of me?" I say voicing my fears.

"If I can't play then Chad and the rest of those homophobes won't be able to play. I can live with that. Damian doesn't deserve to have to deal with them everyday, especially when he's just beginning to accept himself for who he is."

"You really care about him" Alec speaks for the first time since we ended up here.

"Of course I do. He's my best friend, a brother to me all my life. He may not see me that way, at least not anymore, but I will always be there for him when he needs me. I just wished he would tell me what's going on more, its hard trying to figure him out sometimes." Jaxon replies a little exasperated. But as he continues his voice just gets smaller and smaller.

"He's lucky to have you" I say in hopes to lighten the mood, I attempt to change the subject "You know you should just ask her out"

"Who?" Jaxon asks confused.

"Kate dumbass, don't even pretend you don't like her. It's so obvious how you feel about her. So don't try to play dumb" I laugh.

"It's not obvious" Jaxon whines.

"It kind of is, man" Alec agrees, laughing along side me.

"She wouldn't say yes anyway. She doesn't date any guys from here, other than you. She doesn't want me."

"No, you've got that wrong. She hasn't dated anyone from here before, not because she doesn't want to. She just been hung up on a guy that was never gonna happen. She wanted it to though, desperately. But some things just don't work out. She's realised that now. I think she wants to get out there but she can't if no one gives her a chance. I was just something she used to spite that guy, we were never a thing, not really."

" I was going to say, aren't you gay? How were you and Kate ever a thing?" Alec asks a little confused.

"We weren't and yes I am gay. Out and proud I've decided"

"Why? Not to be rude or anything, but why now?" Alec questions again.

"I guess I'm tired of hiding. I know I saw someone recently, before I ended up in hospital, can't remember for the life of me what happened, but I know something must have. I never thought I'd see that person again, but the fact that I did, I know, plays a part in what happened to me. But I'm not mad at that person, I can't be, I've spent so long being mad at them, when if I was in their position, I don't know how I would have acted. I guess, what I am trying to say is that after spending several weeks in a hospital room, watching days slip by, you realise some things. I don't want to live with regrets and grudges. So I'm trying a new thing, embracing everything that comes my way. Damian said I helped him with that, but what he doesn't realise is he helped me with it too. I never had friends before, but now I feel I have a strong group of them. I never imagined having any proper relationship with a guy or girl before, but now I think I wouldn't mind to try. I'm not ashamed of who I am, and no one can tell me I should be. I'm proud what's wrong with that?"

"People are still going to keep attacking you?" Alec reminds me "you are going to end up in fights like that again. Next time you might not have us there to protect you."

"I'm going to end up in fights my whole life. Whether they're physical or not, I can't spend my whole life scared. I'm going to need to stand up for myself at some point"

"What about Damian, where does he fit into this?"

"He believes we are better off friends at the moment and I respect that. Just because I feel for the first time a relationship could be on the table for me doesn't mean I should rush into one. I want to see how all of this plays out. If Damian and I are meant to be, I do believe we will come back to each other. But for the time being I'm happy with just trying to be his friend." In this moment I realised I was. I want to be his friend, I want to try new things, I want to understand what being gay really means. I can't do that in the constraints of a relationship I'm paranoid of screwing up. I need to be free to try new things out and see where they leave me.

"Isn't that similar to what you said?" Jaxon asks Alec.

"Similar to what?" I query, confused.

"To what Alec said when he came out?"

"Wait, what?!" I scream "YOU'RE GAY?"

"No"

"Oh" I reply.

"I'm bisexual"

"No way."

"Why are you so surprised? Doesn't Ash swing both ways as well?"

"Is anyone in our school still straight?" Jaxon asks dumbfounded at all the new revelations.

"Chad is." I attempt to joke.

"I wouldn't be so sure." Alec says.

"What d'ya mean?" I ask.

"It's nothing."

"Alec you have to tell us now." Jaxon demands.

"It's just a hunch. But Jaxon you must have seen over the years the way Chad treats Silva. There is more than friendship in the way he acts. We all know how crazy religious his mom is, especially after his dad left-"

"Wait his dad left?"

"Yeah when he was eight, moved down South I think. Why?"

"It doesn't matter. It just reminded me of something, I think I need to go talk to Ash"

Damian

I watch as Ash climbs off the table. He's about to leave when he notices me staring at him.

"What you want Silva?" He asks slightly irritated.

"Nothing. Nothing"

"Don't play that with me, I know you want something. So spit it out already"

"How do you do that? How did you get everyone to disperse like that?"

"It's easy: fear"

"Fear?"

"Pretty boy, you spend too long trying to please everyone. Make them happy, be what they want to see. In doing that you make yourself a pushover. I've never let anyone else tell me what to be, because of that I have never let anyone get to me. If no one can get to me, I appear strong. To be strong you must be powerful. To be powerful you must enlist fear. Without fear, people think they can have power over you." As he finishes his little speech, he begins to walk away.

"Hey, wait up?" I call as I run to catch up with him.

"What d'ya want now?"

"You and Noah, what is that?"

"Ya know, if Noah wouldn't kill me if I did it, I would punch you right now"

"Seriously, what are you guys?"

"Why? You jealous? If anything you should be worried about your buddy Alec there. He isn't as sweet as he seems." With that he was off into the sea of students heading to their next class. I decide then to go check on the guys in the medical room. Only problem is that is in the other direction and I have to get through this sea of students myself....

______________________________________________________________

By the time I make it to the medical room. There is only Alec and Jason there. They're laughing hysterically at something but my mind just wanders to where the missing third person is.

"Where's Noah? Is he alright?"

"Oh, hello to you to, We're fine thanks for asking" Jaxon obnoxiously responds. I just brush his words off and give him a deadpan stare.

"Urgh, fine. He went to go talk to Ash. It was really weird and all of a sudden"

"I should go find him and see if he is okay" I say turning on my heal to retreat.

"He's fine. Trust me. You shouldn't keep stressing about him, he is no more your responsibility than any of ours. You want to be his friend? So, start treating him like one. You can't keep trying to swoop in and be his hero, he doesn't need that. Not right now." Alec says to me, with a slight reprimanding tone

"Then what does he need?" I growl in response.

"A little bit of space. A chance to get his head around a few things too. You more than anyone should know that somethings you have to deal with on your own. He's going through alot right now, things that he needs to get through by himself."

"He needs me to protect him from jerks like Chad. If I was there, none of this would have happened."

"No, it would have happened, ten fold. Chad is jealous of your relationship with Noah and he's using the 'being gay' bit as an excuse to lash out on him. Chad has known for a long time my sexuality and he has never been upfront about it. He has shown slight hostility, yeah. But he would never dream of hurting me, or this team, for that would hurt you. Can't you see, he's trying to get you to pick him or Noah. The more you pick Noah, the more you're unintentionally hurting him."

"Then what do you suggest?"

"Tell Chad to back off. Say that you and Noah aren't close anymore but that doesn't mean you want any conflict. It would look bad on the team. Say you want your old friend back."

"But that doesn't stop him from being homophobic."

"Are you willing to come out yet?"

"No"

"Then why should it matter, he may say a passing remark. But he won't be upfront about it. I know Chad, he's too scared to hurt you or the team."

"But I don't want to be friends with someone like that. I don't want to lose my friendship with Noah before it has even started yet."

"Noah is proud to be gay. He said so himself. He is probably coming out to the school officially, as we speak. He said, himself, that he is ready to start trying it out. Exploring and all. He is going to date, he is going to be in relationships. Tell me, are you willing to stand beside him when that happens? Tell me, it won't hurt you."

"I can't" I say softly and defeated. There is no fault in his words. If Noah wants to go out and have a relationship I won't be able to stand by his side and act as his friend. But I'm not brave enough to be out. I can't risk all that I have built for myself. The future I have going for me right now.

"Then it's settled. You need to take a step back from Noah. Even just for the time being. Sort it out with Chad, get the team back together. Let Noah be happy, doing what he wants"

All I can do is nod. Then Alec begins to leave the medical room.

"You okay there, bud?" Jaxon asks, from beside me. I had forgotten that he was even there during that convo.

"yeah, I'm fine. If anything I should be asking you. You got beat up pretty bad out there." I say, faking that ever present smile, that I've done for so many years.

"Shut up, it was nothing" He says playing along with my distraction.

"Yeah it was noooooothing......." I laugh as we too exit the medical room. Just like that I'm back to being that same old guy. Trying to 'please everyone' like Ash said. But for the first time I hate myself for it. For not being brave enough to stand up for myself. For not being strong enough to not care what others think. For not being able to think for myself. But most of all I hate myself for being gay and in love with a guy I can't be with.