Have you ever found that the whole world can sometimes seem so plain, then in the next second it's suddenly vibrant with colour? Like if you were to paint the world in a picture, you could do it with a single charcoal pencil and fill in the details perfectly. But then you can come back to it a moment, a day, a year later and that masterpiece you spent ages working on just looks like some measly sketch. You haven't even begun to grasp the detail, the complexity or even the shades of the world. Where that pencil can only provide an outline, but in order to capture the world you need to utilise the entire colour wheel and even sometimes that isn't enough.

That's how I feel. Life seemed so easy, so simple, so black and white. But now I can't look at it the same way, its not black, its not white, its not blue or red or whatever colour you can think of. It's all of them and none of them at the same time. I used to believe I understood my friends, my family, myself. But I don't. I don't know if it took one moment for my life to seem so out of my control or a lifetime.

It was as if yesterday everything made sense. Damian was straight, our team knew everything about each other and were always honest with each other, we were brothers. It seems like it was only yesterday Lexi couldn't stand Kate, and I respected that so I never would dare to be near her. But its like I seem to not be able to get away from her.

I don't know how my life spiralled out of control, I don't remember anything being out of the ordinary, but suddenly everything was. Although my life wasn't perfect, it was a good enough. I could pretend my best friend still saw me as his brother, I could pretend my sister was the reason that I never told the girl I liked, that I like her. I could pretend that our team was a band of something more, that we all really meant it when we said we were there for each other no matter. I could pretend that my home life was normal, that my life was normal.

Now I blame Noah. Before him everything was simple, then one nerdy track team player comes along with the nerve to shake things up and he does. But I can't blame Noah, he made Damian so happy in that short time. He brought back the old Damian, the real Damian. He made me come to find my own emotions too.

So now I blame Kate. I blame Kate for consuming my mind. I blame Kate for making it so hard to even notice other girls now. I blame Kate for taking all the air out of a room when she enters. I blame Kate for making it the most easiest thing to breathe when around her. I blame Kate for making it impossible to stop loving her. But I don't blame Kate, when I'm with her its like the whole world stops and that nothing else matters except for the here and now.

I blame Lexi for making it impossible for Kate to think well of me. I blame Lexi for making it acceptable for Kate to be part of my life now. I blame Lexi for making it so it wasn't okay to have Kate in my life before. I blame Lexi for never seeing how her brother really felt. But I don't blame Lexi, for how could she have known my feelings when I didn't?

So there is only one person to blame. Myself. It was I who thought life was fine when I was pretending. It was I who thought covers and half-truths were acceptable. It was I who thought living behind my bestfriend's and my sisters' shadow was okay. For it was I who thought that living in a black and white world meant I never would have to experience the intensity of the real world.

It was I who lost myself in a pencil drawing. It was I who liked the two-dimensional world I drew around myself. it was I who lost myself in the comfort of a sketch world.

But it is I who has decided to change that. It is I who has decided to take a step back and absorb the world for what it really is. To absorb life for what it really is. A mirage of different colours, shapes and spectrums. Something so beautiful and so diverse that it was made to be admired.

I wonder if that was what Noah helped Damian with. Let him see that the world isn't to be feared, but to be embraced. That living in the false perception of the world we create for ourselves, isn't better. It doesn't protect us, it just gives us a false pretence that we are safe. But we are no safer in a black and white world then we are in the real. If anything we are worse off, we fall for that false security and we let our guard down.

But I'm ready to get my life back, to stop living by hiding myself from the truth. I'm going to get my life back for myself. I'm going to be myself. I'm going to stop blaming others for my downfalls, but love myself no matter what happens.

I don't need to understand the world I live there are physicists for that. I just need to embrace the world for all that it is and enjoy living in it.