Woman. She felt like one for the very first time in her life. Not a pretty face everyone wanted to leer on. Not the weaker sex who society thought they can manipulate because she did not have a father. Not a doll who dressed up because that's what all girls are supposed to do. She felt like a woman in the true sense and it was exhilarating. Loved by her man, a reason for his rare deep smile and satisfaction shining in his eyes as he had kept looking at her post-coitus, she felt complete . The feeling refused to leave her, or that she refused to leave the feeling was debatable. Splinters of her shattered self were clinging to the feeling with their dear life, it was like an adhesive to her heart she had broken herself.

"Your coffee," he interrupted her thoughts, keeping two steaming mugs in front of her on the floor and settling himself facing her on the other end of the sliding door leading to the half terrace. She was sitting at one edge of the door frame. This was her favorite place in the house now, for more reasons than one. She tried to control the warmth that crept up to her cheeks at the thought.

"We need to talk," he had said after they had made frenzied love to each other. Not immediately though. He said it after lying there, wrapped together in nothing but sheets, for God knows how long. After caressing her face, her back and everywhere else to his heart's content. After kissing her like his life depended on it a few times. After looking steadily into her eyes with expressions so vulnerable. His vulnerability had shaken her resolve to demean the beautiful thing that had just happened between them. She had just nodded and scampered off to put on some clothes.

"Where do we go from here Kavya?" he broke the silence, looking at her intently. Her confusion, her turmoil was sitting beside her glaring at him. And he was counting heavily on the paradigm shift their relationship had just made for the conversation that was to follow. Counting on emotional changes it could have, in fact, should have brought about in her. But a small part of him, the rejected again and again lover part, wanted to see that how long she could keep lying that she did not want him in her life. Especially when her longing and love for him were naked in her eyes, in her actions, not so long ago for him to appraise.

He knew there would be never a time like this to talk to her when things had taken such a monumental step forward that waving them off as inconsequential was difficult right now. Their love making so green that he could almost smell the potent love that had flowed between them not so long ago.

She inhaled as much air as she could, and let it out with a sigh, hoping that would help the sudden unease bubbling inside her. "You don't have to go anywhere. I'll go once Keshav is back". There, she said it. But to her own ears, it sounded hollow.

His face hardened, but if she was expecting an angry outburst, it did not happen. He had boiled his anger away with this coffee, for today, when he decided to patiently talk with her while making it. Credit happy hormones for that. Common sense could have played some role too. There was too much at stake and his perspective was too clear now. He sighed, the one that rivaled hers, refrained from speaking and turned his face to look out at the sky where small stars were twinkling. Picked up his coffee and started sipping. With nothing else to say or do, Kavya followed the suit.

"I don't feature anywhere in your life, do I?" she heard him say. If not for his happiness, for his sadness she will have to stay with him, he decided. He was at the end of his wits, ready to go to any length. Begging for compassion was not off the list either.

She gulped. Is that how it came across as? Eleven years have taught her nothing about handling situations?

"You really think that?" she blurted.

He smiled. Almost sardonically. "What is there to think? Haven't you said it aloud enough times?"

Sudden tears sprang up in her eyes.

"You know," he continued "I haven't hated anyone as much in my life as much I hate children now. Especially the one I wanted with you. He or she, whatever it would have been, has ruined my life without even being born," he said with distaste seeping into his voice, a genuine distaste which he did not know when he acquired.

"Don't say that Swayam," she pleaded.

"Why not? It's the truth. For someone who does not even exist, you are ready to kill me," he accused. Maybe making her listen what she sounds like to him will drill some sense in her. Her trying so hard to appear aloof from what had transpired between them in the bedroom was killing him anyway.

Tears rolled down out of her beautiful eyes. But Swayam made no attempt to come to her, wipe her tears, or console her. He kept looking at her like he was watching some scene in a movie, which was not moving enough to garner a reaction from him. She slammed her palm against her lips as sobs racked her body.

"Why these tears? See I have started giving up on us. You got what you wanted," he dryly pointed.

"Swayam... I... never meant to ..." she said unintelligibly between hiccups.

"Never meant to what? Hurt me?" he completed for her. "But you are doing just that".

"You can marry a..." she harped.

"If you don't want to be a part of my life, you have no say in it. Marriage is a personal matter I rather not discuss with anyone. How I live my life or how I end it, is my prerogative," he looked away.

"E... End it?" she stammered.

"As I said, I rather not discuss my life with my guest," he stood up collecting his empty and her now gone cold coffee cups. If she thinks that he will give up on them THIS easily, then she has another thing coming. He will match her inferiority complex, her insecurities and whatever other crap she had made herself believe about her own self. She does not respond to his pleas to stay happy with him? Fine. He will get her to stay with him to share his misery.

"You will do no such thing," she followed him to the kitchen.

"What thing?" he feigned ignorance. Wow, he did not know that a literal suicide threat was required to shake her up.

"You know what thing... that... ending life thing," she spat.

"I am at the top of my profession, Kavya. I have nothing much left to look forward to in life on that front. I may travel a little after you leave. Then that what do you propose I do with my life?" he asked in all seriousness.

"You had dreams".

"They will walk out that door with you when you leave".

"Am I such a bad person Swayam?" the first chink in her armor appeared.

"I don't want to answer that".

"You hate me, right?"

"I hate that non-existent child you keep throwing between us".

"But you hate me nonetheless".

"How come you won't believe me when I say I love you but you'll readily believe me if I say I hate you. You know what, you hear what you think I should say. Not what I want to actually say!"

"Who said I don't believe you when you say you love me? I know you love me," she opposed.

"What value does my love have in your eyes when you are hell bent on discarding it like yesterday's trash?" he countered.

"How can you say that? You know our situation".

"Our situation? Let me tell you how our situation looks like from where I am standing. I tried to hate you for eleven years but turns out I cannot. I thought I found a family in you and Keshav but turns out I did not. I thought you love me enough to see beyond a man who once wanted kids but turns out you refuse to do that. I thought you might change your decision after this evening but turns out I am as much a burden on your aggrieved self as I was before this evening".

"You're perfect Swayam".

"I am NOTHING without you. Perfection Imperfection does not even matter".

"What if you regret having me in your life after a few years?" she asked.

"The regret of not having enough faith in you, in us, to see through your lies and the regret of letting you suffer alone for eleven years when you needed me the most will not let any other regret surpass it," the cracks on his wall started showing too.

He thinks he is responsible for her misery of last eleven years? What has she done? What should she do? Too much had happened in too little a time. Unable to take any more she broke down limply on his chest. Swayam's eyes smarted too as he gathered her in an embrace. He was not above emotions and this woman had awakened them to the hilt in her bid to keep herself away from him.

"If you think you'll go away from me and I'll live happily then you are so wrong Kavya. I'll kill myself ... I promise," he murmured.

"I DON' T KNOW WHAT TO DO. I'll GO MAD. I think...I AM going MAD," she wailed, breaking her dam of restraint listening to his broken self. Something she knew she has brought upon him.

Swayam hugged her tighter. Anymore tight and her bones would have given away. But she was beyond caring. Her heart was hurting a million times more. She hugged him back with whatever strength was left in her after constantly walking alone for eleven long years.

"Let it out Kavya. Let it all out ... and let me in. Keeping everything inside you is killing us both," he whispered.

Too messed up to think straight, she relented. Despite his stronghold, she slipped to the ground, inch by inch, sob by sob, crying bitterly. Swayam was beside her in no time, cradling her close to his heart. It was a long night. Eleven years of pain. Eleven years of separation. Eleven years of lost love. And this was the first time she was not crying alone. Tears kept spilling out. What started out as mourning her incomplete femininity moved to mourning her father, her brother's lost limb, Swayam's pain and his loneliness. She mourned everything that night on his shoulders. He mourned it all with her, with all his heart. They did not know when sleep engulfed them on the kitchen floor.

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Things did not take a sudden positive turn the very next morning as an optimist would have hoped for.

Kavya tried to hide behind her shell again, but after baring her soul the night before in front of Swayam, there was no shell left to hide behind. But that did not stop doubts, uncertainty, awkwardness at the closeness they now shared and distress at decisions life wanted from her, from making appearances on and off in the following days. And to his credit, Swayam stood strong with her, dispelling them in any which way he could. He knew that right now he was their collective strength and played his part with utmost sincerity and tender love. He made it a point to let her know, none too subtly, that he needed her from the most mundane level like day to day functioning to highest levels of intimacy by refusing to sleep without her, making love to her whenever she would let him. She became the unofficial mistress of the house and Swayam deliberately burdened her with all the responsibilities related to it so that she does not get time to think anything else. Physically he never let any chance go to show her how desirable he found her, how irresistible, making her acquiesce to the fact that she was wanted, as she was, by her Swayam.

A few days went by in this manner, but apparently, her self-respect would not let her live in peace. She told him in no-nonsense terms that if he would not take her back in his office she will find a job elsewhere. She did not want to work, Swayam knew that from once upon a time when they had shared their future dreams. It had never featured in hers. Or has that changed? He did not know. But what he knew was that her desire to join the workforce, like right this moment if possible, stemmed from the fact that she did not want to stay dependent on him and he had to respect that lest she thinks he is controlling her life, which he was in a way, but admitting to it would ruin everything he was carefully building back. But that did not mean that he would let her work 12 hours a day and tire herself out on a daily basis when he was more than capable of taking care of her. So he found a middle ground.

"We'll find something else for you to do. If you come to the office and I don't yell at you, people will talk. You understand that darling, don't you?" he told her, half expecting her to see through his half-baked explanation, but she did not. She bought it.

Together they found her a job in a nursery school of a nearby locality as a kindergarten teacher. With Keshav's treatment taken care of, Kavya did not fret over the salary they were offering, much to Swayam's relief.

And as luck would have it, that turned out to be the wisest decision they made for her. She had never been so happy, recently that is, like she was after joining this school. She had detached herself from everything else other than Keshav in the years that had gone by, but now attachment came calling. Being in the vicinity of small kids brought a lot of positive changes in her personality. She loved spending time with kids, and in turn with herself. Motherhood, she allowed herself to think on those lines somewhere while laughing along with the toddlers in her class. Peace, something that had eluded her since that day in doctor's office, came to her itself.

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And gradually rewards came Swayam's way too. Kavya stopped being aloof and uptight around him. Slowly she stopped mentioning that she should leave him and go away. Her smiles started reaching her eyes. The love in her heart started showing in her gestures. Things started looking up. His bedroom became theirs, much to Kavya's discomfort as to what the maid will think. Swayam rolled his eyes at that and enlightened her that if the maid has even an iota of a brain in her, she must have already guessed what is going on here and most probably the whole building knows about them by now too. Kavya, in turn, scared the life out of him by turning, and then for the most part of that day staying as red as a tomato making him think that she was having some allergic reaction to something. The fact that Keshav was returning in a week did not help her constitution at all. She promptly lost her sleep like a person with no plan whatsoever to deal with a certain grave situation does. Finally, she decided to talk to the man responsible for all this mess.

"Keshav is coming back in four days," she started while they both were having their breakfast.

"I know. I have mailed him his flight tickets. Don't worry," he smiled looking up from his blackberry and then went back to tapping buttons on it.

"Don't worry?? Really?? HOW???" she looked at him incredulously, procuring all his attention. With a helluva confused face, this time he was actually at loss as to what is to worry about in Keshav returning.

"You should be ... happy. He is. His training camp is going great," he trod carefully.

Kavya hit her forehead with her palm. "I better start packing my stuff from the master bedroom" she muttered to herself, but he heard.

I'll go away when Keshav comes, reverberated in his ears. With a lightning speed, he held her wrist. "Dare you to do that!" he hissed trying to control his rage at her insinuation. Will they EVER move forward? He should kill her first, then himself and end the bloody chapter once and for all, was his first thought. But the very next instant he shrugged himself out of this insanely stupid thought. He knew that she was healing but the complete process will take time, didn't he? He knew that she can't leave eleven years behind in two months' time, didn't he? But relapses like this would drive him insane for sure he realized.

"Don't you dare me Swayam. WHAT am I going to tell my brother why my stuff is in your room?" she spat trying to free her wrist. "We are sleeping in our respective rooms starting today and that is final," she added.

Oh! She is worried about THAT. His heart started beating again. He grinned and released her wrist.

"We can tell him we are getting married..." he offered, "... or not. Whatever you say is fine with me," he instantly back-tracked looking at her expressions.

"I am not marrying you," she said, with former steeliness in her statement quite missing.

"Fine. Live-in is equally okay with me. And Keshav is a big boy. He'll understand," he replied in an all understanding tone.

"WHAT? NO. I told you I should not stay here," she replied hastily.

"Well darling, you not living here is not even up for discussion. Marriage or live-in is. I have many clients who have long-standing live-in relationships. I am up for it too," he experimented with reverse psychology. These days he was a firm believer in who knows what works in your favor theory and hence tried everything that came to his mind when dealing with Kavya.

Turned out it was his lucky day. That statement got Kavya got into thinking mode. Eyes narrowed, and brows furrowed. She would rather die than set such an example in front of her kid brother was her first conclusion. Strongly imbibed traditions came to fore in her mind too at the thought of her brother, something which she had managed to overlook till now. Also, Swayam needed her and they were as good as married now. Then this was her house now and she loved running it. She loved its master too. More than ever, more than anything. Last but not the least, she liked her life now. She liked being happy. And did she say that Swayam needed her? Yeah, he had said that a million times. Had shown her a million times. So, for him. For his sake. And maybe her own, a small voice in heart whispered.

"Fine then, I think we should marry," she agreed, by the time Swayam finished eating.

His eyed snapped up. It took him a moment to accept what he had just heard. But good things sink in pretty fast. "Even I like things done in a lawful manner. Thanks for proposing," he said cheekily the next minute. Smiling a full smile, all the while trying to handle the colossal amount of happiness bubbling in his heart which was brimming in each pore of his being, he sprang up from his chair. She will marry him. Finally. He wanted to kiss her senseless, and he did.

"Proposing? ...Me?... When? ... Swayam ...Hawww..." she protested intermittently when she could, between filling her lungs with air and kissing her fiancé back.

"Don't ruin my big moment Kavya. I have just been proposed to," he immediately chided placing a few swift pecks on her lips, making her giggle.

Oh, how he had missed that sound.

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