Kavya looked beyond the balcony of Swayam's penthouse where the view of the sea was clear today as monsoons had started receding. They have been in his house for a month now. Owing to all the formalities, Keshav has left for his treatment just four days back. Keshav, she fondly smiled. The kid had practically fainted with joy at seeing the elevator, happy that he wouldn't have to climb up and down three flights of stairs every time like their rental apartment. It was difficult to forget Swayam's accusing eyes when Keshav had rambled on and on about how nice it is to have an elevator in the building. She did not mind it though. It was one more accusation on the already sky-high pile of accusations she saw in those eyes for herself.

A frown made its way on her face. She was the fool. She ruined their lives. She wasted their eleven years. She insulted him. She lied to him. She made him miserable. Then what surprise was it that she subjected her brother to the torture of climbing three flights of stairs up and down every day for her stupid ego. It must have been entertainment for her, considering the sadist that she was.

With no other work, as she was on indefinite leave from the office which her boss had generously and in fact forcibly granted her, she had given the cook off for the day and had just finished making Sunday afternoon lunch for the two of them. Herself and Swayam. He was closeted in his study right now like he had been since last three days whenever he was home, after their big showdown as soon as Keshav had left. Other than proposing marriage, he had said nothing that night which he hadn't said to her on earlier occasions, the only difference being that this time she had tried in earnest to make him understand her side. But she shouldn't have bothered for he still refused to see her point. For a practical man like him, he had some really rosy romantic notions in his head. He wants to marry her. Marry? Like really? And that was where she had put her foot down.

Being on his mercy was more acceptable to her than being his wife. At least the definition of their relationship would be correct in that scenario. While he could offer her financial help, shelter, and protection, what does she has to offer him in return? A penniless sibling duo? A promise of never making his family complete? Why does he not realize that in his love he is lovingly trampling all over her fragile self-respect?

She heard the study door open and pushed her body away from the door frame she was leaning on to make her way to the dining table, putting a temporary full stop to her soliloquy.

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As they ate in silence, she looked at the man who she knew is angry with himself for loving her but loves her nonetheless. He was hurting, but then so was she. She knew love can be painful but wasn't that when you are separated from your beloved. Like last eleven years. But how can being together bring such pain in your heart, the kind she feels these days? The kind that spurts when she sees him seeing her from the corner of his eyes all the time, and yet not talking to her. The kind when all she wants is to run into his arms, but shackles of practicality restrain her. The kind she feels when he alleges that she was wrong in assuming that she could decide for them both alone, while he wants to do exactly the same now. The pain that claws her when she feels herself weakening in the shadow of his soothing presence and protection which she so craves . The pain of humiliation when she lost the battle with herself and pleaded to stay friends so that she can stay near him somehow, and he had stopped talking to her for making this outrageously stupid suggestion, as he had termed it.

He said they can adopt. As if she did not think about it. If at all he thinks that she did not, which was not an impossibility considering the amount of faith he had in her these days, then he could not be farther from the truth. Maybe not instantly when she was told about her infertility issues, but later she did give it a thought. The conclusion was simple. While her breaking up with him was mainly because of not being able to give him a family he so wanted, on a higher level it had to do with her as well. She was incomplete. And he was not. Truly speaking, it was not a good feeling. So rather than saddling him with her sorry state with so much grief already in his life, she had chosen what she had deemed as a better option for him. Her heart had wanted him by her, but she had loved him enough to let go. Now he says that he does not need a child.

So is he lying now or was he lying then?

He wants to pick up from where they had left their relationship. But does he understand that she is not the same woman? That not only is she incomplete physically but emotionally as well? That her scars run too deep? That she has long given up hopes of a happy married life? He blames her for lying and assuming and stupidity. But why can't he see that she hates to be in the position that she is in? It hurts her to be treated as a culprit when she was an equal, if not more, the victim of fate. She wanted a family too, didn't she? And being the reason of your own unfulfilled dreams is as rotten a feeling as is being responsible for lost dreams of your beloved.

She had let him go, but she cannot run away from herself, can she? Personal hell, she now knew what it exactly means.

Every time they argue, she could feel him regretting falling in love with a fool like her. He definitely regrets listening to her and trusting her lies eleven years back. Will he trust her ever again? It would be hard she knew. At present he was in correction mode, trying to correct her grave mistake of eleven years back by taking the next obvious step of marriage. As if that would make everything alright. Debris of shattered confidence, broken dreams and tangled complexes is what was left of the Kavya he once knew. What if in future he regrets marrying an emotionally shattered woman, then what will she do? Regret does not arrive with a drum-roll warning. It just creeps into your heart silently, unannounced. Like the way, she regrets pursuing that unsuspecting boy who wanted to stay away from her, into a relationship for many years now. She ruined his life by falling in love with him according to her. According to him, she ruined his life by leaving him. Any which way you please to look at it, you can, for in the end what happened was that his life was ruined and she was responsible.

She was a simple girl with simple dreams. Never was she a go-getter. And one single time she broke her boundaries and grabbed the hand of the boy her heart had fallen for, she ended up messing everything. She rues that they ever crossed paths. Misery was all she was capable of bringing in this wonderful man's life. He wanted to help them, she took the help. He wanted them to come and live here, she did that too in spite of a thousand questions in her brother's eyes. But once Keshav is back, they will leave, she decided. Now that Swayam is safe in the knowledge that his background is inconsequential in front of his nice self, he might find it easier to move on. And even if he does not, she simply finds herself inadequate, on more fronts than what she could deal with, to build a life with him. He was seriously better off without her.

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Swayam did not go back to the study after lunch. After helping her clear the table, in silence, he stationed himself on the living room couch with his laptop while Kavya went and stood at the glass door leading to the half terrace, gazing outside and ignoring him, like she had been doing when he had come out of the study for lunch. Three days were enough to tell him that she won't come to him and he was at a loss as to how to get through the barriers she had built around herself. The girl who always boosted his moral whenever he was down, had no zest for life left in her. He cursed himself for not keeping tabs on her for so long, but he was so blinded by rage and humiliation that he never tried to even go back and cross-check the crap she had dished out in order to break up with him, then how could going and checking up on her wellbeing would occur to him. To think of it, would have he ever gone back some day? Yes. Someday. To return the insult a thousand folds. But before that, she appeared back in his life to voluntarily receive that insult from him for four fucking months, silently.

Does she even realize how achingly beautiful she was, he looked at her discreetly. Thirteen years back, apart from his past and status, this was one major reason he wanted to stay clear of her. Her beauty could make anyone insecure and he knew he was no exception. And he actually was not, it got proved when she was working with him. She might not realize it, but he used to lash out at her much more in the office on the days he would spot her chatting with anyone from her ardent male fan-brigade there. How he hated that sight. Wanting to rip apart every limb of the man who dared to flirt with her. She had no freaking clue, and why only her, even he did not realize until he saw her again about the kind of hold she still had on him.

Outer beauty apart, she was beautiful inside as well. He has seen the world enough to know that anger and iciness need a pal in money and success to shine and look sexy. Yup, that is how he was termed as by the social butterflies these days. Sexy, hot, brooding and what not. But a poor man with traits of anger and aloofness was never called hot, he was labeled anti-social. And she had loved THAT troubled young man. Jaiswal princess had loved that man with all her heart without expecting anything in return. And she expects him to discard her because she has some flaw over which she has no control whatsoever. Why? How does he make her believe that he will never regret having her in his life? In fact, he will be obliged if she accepted, him. All his pleas, anger, words were falling on deaf ears and he was getting desperate to reach out to her. Have himself heard. Break those damned barriers behind which she has hidden his Kavya. The Kavya who had dreamt of a marriage with him, a life with him without any if's and but's. This girl answered his marriage proposal with a counterproposal of staying just friends. Like he will agree to THAT. Over his dead body.

He kept thinking and thinking some more while making futile attempts to get some work done. One month with her had made him understand that his hurt, his grief, his loneliness were not alone. She was sailing in the same boat with a few extra items of baggage actually. But her denial to accept this thing that was between them, even when he had in straightforward words proposed to her, was robbing him of his sanity now. His emotional support was obviously not working for her, not that he was any good at it to expect brilliant outcomes. Every time he tried to talk to her, her stubbornness made him lose his temper, deteriorating the situation further. As he looked at the outline of her slender figure in the twilight that was gracing the skies outside, it dawned on him that her so-called incomplete body was her primary point of vexation, wasn't it? What if she needed healing on that front first and foremost? What will happen if someone, him to be precise, loved her body to the point of reverence, he mused? Will that help her think beyond this sore point? He was not sure. In fact, he was quite unsure. She had refused to visit a counselor and he was not one. But with no other respite in sight, he decided to give it a go.

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Kavya knew Swayam was working in the living room and that was why she had made it a point to not turn back the whole time. But she had no idea when he had quietly come to stand behind her. His warm breath fanning the tendrils of hair on her nape, his scent, his body heat coming in waves and hitting her considering his proximate position, announced his arrival. What does he want now, her suddenly thudding heart questioned. She moved ahead in order to create some distance, onto the half terrace, but was held back by two strong arms that snaked around her waist. Her breath hitched. Before she could protest, her faculty of speech was robbed by two warm lips that descended on her nape. She stiffened. Involuntarily her hands clasped tightly over his on her midriff. He pulled her in some more and buried her soft petite frame into his larger one.

"Swayam... what are you...doing?" she managed to croak under this unexpected assault on her body, on her senses. They had never, and she meant it, never been so close before. They were just teenagers last time they were together and a plain peck on cheek used to make their week, their month, not just a day. Holding hands was more of their thing. She knew she should push him away, but found that she was unable to do so. She had secretly craved for this intimacy with this one man all her life. He had never held her like this and damn, it felt good.

Sudden, but good. Unexpected, but good. Jittery, but good. Terrifying, but good. Strange, but good. Savoring the sensations his touch was creating in her untouched body, she gave in. It was working like balm on her frayed nerves. Tension started ebbing away from her heart. Thoughts floated away from her mind.

Hearing her voice Swayam had paused for just a second. But hell, it was feeling so good. Her flowery smell, her soft warm body had flared up a baser need in him, "Please jaan ... I.. please," he pleaded unashamed of the desperation dripping from his voice. He would rather die than stop. His hand started frisking and squeezing her midriff insistently, trying to convey the urgency he was feeling in his whole being at the sudden turn of events, and his head dipped back into the crook of her neck asserting his desire. He was sure he would combust if he even tried to step away, and thus, would not at any cost. The body he had dreamt of possessing all his life was in his arms and he wanted to make love to it.

This was his right, his mind declared sealing the deal with a sensuous bite on her shoulder. Like his signature. She whimpered. In protest or in pleasure, he had no clue. All he knew was she had leaned back on him and turned her face the other way giving him proper access to the slopes of her silky neck and shoulders which he accepted eagerly. His one hand moved towards her breast. The other one started looking for the slit in her kurti so that it could slide in. Her breath became ragged and his became labored as well. She was not stopping him and he did not want to stop.

But he was supposed to stop here. That was the idea. One day at a time. Making her love her body. But eleven years apart were taking their ultimate toll. The frenzy created by their first intimate touch had spiraled out of control. He got busy in loving her body for himself. Who would say that they were a grown man and a grown woman? They were behaving like proper teenagers with raging hormones right now. Pushing every issue aside, drowning in the passion with a singular mind. His hands found their destination, earning a jolting gasp from her. The next thing he knew, she turned around as if on fire and hugged him with all her might. And there was no looking back after that.

Lips met. Tongues dueled. His teeth had their fill too. Nipping biting onto whatever skin they could find leaving oval red crescents in their trail. His desire raged hot on her delicate body. When she could not take it anymore, her hands too slipped from whatever opening they could find in his shirt onto his torso, roaming, exploring. He helped by fervently unbuttoning the shirt and discarding it. She kissed his chest like a woman possessed making him groan, surprised at herself for behaving so wantonly. He couldn't thank his stars enough for that on the other hand. Yanking her away from his electrified body, he swooped down on her compliant one hungrily. Within a few seconds, kissing just her neck and shoulders started feeling insufficient, way insufficient. His hands went to her back, fumbled for a while, found the fly of her kurti's zip and pulled it down. Dupatta had slipped away from the scene of crime long ago.

"No," she protested breathlessly. "...terrace... someone...," she added huffing.

Swayam looked around. He was sure that nobody could see them. The damned terrace faced the sea and they were anyway on the top floor. He ran an impatient hand through his disheveled hair. Explaining ALL that to her will take a lot of time. A LOT of time. So scooping her into his arms he walked into the nearest room which had mandatory four walls in it along with a bed for his lady love's comfort. Incidentally, it was the guest room that Kavya was using these days.

Just this once, she told herself as he lowered her onto the bed, peeling the snug kurti off of her throbbing body. Just this once, she thought as she eagerly assisted him, not liking the barrier of clothes between them. The heat of the moment was getting unbearable. Just this once God, she pleaded to live her dream once. She will go away from him, yeah, she feebly remembered the promise to herself. Just this once, she gave in completely as he came over her, kissing her madly. Her hazy mind forgot that their current equation was along the lines of Kavya proposes, Swayam disposes.

And the man in question had a diametrically different view on the turn of events.

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