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Darkness has never been my friend. I've always been afraid of it, of what could be lurking there, of what could be in the dark. Now it's just cold and lonely, especially when the clock reads four in the morning, and I've got precisely zero sleep.

Owen is lying next to me, snoring, but facing the other way. Something about him has been cold all evening, well, since I suggested he meet Joshua on Friday. I think he still thinks it's all psychological, but he won't discuss it with me. But he'll see on Friday how crazy this is, how real it is. We both might not want it, he might not want to see it, but we all have to deal with it because this connection is real. I don't know much about what's going on right now, why I have two Fated Ones, but the one thing I'm one hundred per cent on is the fact that Joshua and I are Fated.

I stare at my phone, wondering whether to message Joshua and ask why he touched his Knot again earlier. I just can't feel him anymore, it's almost like he's shut me out. But he can't have, because he would've mentioned it, plus I can – could – feel that he doesn't want to shut me out at all.

I wanted him shut out.

Wanted.

Unless that experiment with the Knot tether freaked him out. But then, why would he have made another connection just now if it freaked him out?

I try and think about him, but no matter how much I try, I can't feel him at all. Usually, when he's asleep I can at least have him on my mind and feel it in my head, the drowsiness and if he's dreaming, I can usually feel the hurt of a nightmare or the bliss of a good dream. But I can't even feel that; it's just like he's gone, like I'm one half of a whole, a Yin without a Yang, darkness without light.

Amelia, why are you talking like that? I ask myself.

I hate him.

But I promised I would try not to.

But that feeling of home earlier sparked something, like a science experiment, like a new drug being found to cure a disease, like a firework in the sky... despite the way he annoys me, I can't deny feeling him around makes things seem right.

I glance at Owen's body beside mine and think about how weird he's been about all of this. If I were him, I'd be annoyed as well, but I don't think I would be this cold. It's no one's fault – well, unless it's government-induced – that this is happening. It's not like I asked to have this happen.

I stare at the Knot Art on my wrist and think about Joshua once more. His dark hair, the stubble around his face, his cocoa powder eyes... he's definitely dark and mysterious, that's for sure. I still come up with nothing; no emotions, no shared feelings, nothing.

How is this possible?

I touch the Knot once more. I need to feel it, it's almost like a drug. Joshua is like a drug.

But how? How can I simultaneously loathe the man and yet feel this compelled to know how he is and how he's feeling?

It comes through eventually; that flush like I'm being pumped through of antibiotics or a relaxant. Whatever is going on, we're still connected to each other this way.

I just want to know why I care that much. Is it biological and to do with the Knot, or is it more than that?

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We're in a different room for the lecture this morning. This one is a proper lecture theatre, chairs together like a cinema, big space for the teacher, big projector screen, a whiteboard. He's already sitting at his laptop when Sam and I walk in, there's chatter in the seats from everyone who's already sitting and waiting.

His eyes lift from the screen when we walk to our seats. For a very, very brief moment, our eyes meet as I take my seat.

I feel the flush of embarrassment as he looks at me, but I still can't feel anything of his emotions. Nothing, not even a hint of confusion or neutrality.

When he looks away, I feel the warm, confusing state of hurt?

How can I be hurt? I don't even like him... but I don't want him to be the one to be cold with me. I want that anger, that control over it.

"I don't get it; I'm not feeling a thing. I could feel so much yesterday, and then literally like a light switch, I couldn't feel anything, not even like... sleeping," I whisper to Sam.

She cocks her head. "Didn't you say you did that thing with the Knot? Try it when everyone's doing stuff. Obviously not now, but when he makes us write shit, do it then. See if you can feel it then."

I nod. "That seems... sensible. How about that, a sensible idea from you!"

She snorts. "I know, especially when I'm hungover. Watch out or I might need to find some more alcohol."

I chuckle and grab my laptop out. "You figured what you're going to do about your Fated One yet? Chris from Sweden, right?" A couple of days ago, while she was drunk, she was crying over the fact she didn't have anyone to love and feel something over, and she showed me her blue card from her Knot Ceremony.

She rolls her eyes. "Social media doesn't give me much, naturally, but I don't know. I don't really care. I at least wanna get this over with, maybe I'll find some sort of job in Sweden and relocate. But all this drama with you kinda makes me not care about it, you know? Something to cry over when drunk, I suppose."

I shrug. "Fair."

The lecture starts a few minutes later and I watch Joshua pace as he teaches, his eyes not meeting mine again the whole time. I wonder if he's avoiding my gaze because he's embarrassed about the tether connection that we shared multiple times since discovering it yesterday. Or does he want to ignore it while he's teaching; could it be that simple?

The heat of embarrassment prickles when he finally looks at me.

"Amelia," he announces.

"Yes?"

"Your thoughts, I'm asking for them. Again, the second time I've asked for your attention. You seem so far away, care to share what's captured your attention?" Joshua asks, a cold harshness to his voice.

"Um... what?" I snap back.

"I mean, if you want to pass this semester, you need to pay attention. Can't have another fail, can we?" he announces. The whispers start around the room.

I battle with snapping back or even confronting him in front of everyone, but the moment he looks away from me, I know I've lost the fight. There's no point.

"Harsh," Sam whispers beside me.

I narrow my eyes and realise this is why I hate this man. This is why I want to block him out, get rid of this stupid fucking tether.

A flush comes over my lips like I'm being kissed. A ghost of lips... Joshua's lips over mine. It doesn't feel like Owen, and for some reason, it's like I know what's happening.

But he's standing at his laptop, talking to Ryan about something.

What the fuck?

Why did I feel that? Why did it feel good?

Joshua's eyes meet mine for the briefest of seconds, his lips purse, eyes narrow a little. Does he know what I felt? It's got to be the connection.

But why a kiss? Why do I want to feel it for real?

Why do I also hate the thought?

He sets some work a few minutes later, so I decide to fuck him over. I take my fingers and place them on my Knot Art gently.

It takes a few moments, but I watch Joshua as the tether sears through my veins, warming every part of me and relaxing my brain. The feeling is the moment you step into a warm swimming pool after rushing from the cool of the changing room in just your swimming costume. It's sitting in front of a warm fire moments after being in the cold snow.

But there's one fundamental difference. Something that makes me sit up straighter than a ruler on a piece of paper.

Joshua is tapping away on his laptop. His fingers are on the keys, nowhere near his Knot Art.

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Darkness has never, ever been my favourite thing, I've always been afraid of it in a way. As Joshua's dark eyes meet mine just as the lecture finishes two hours later, I realise that. His eyes are like that darkness. I sneer at him, but he grins back as if there's nothing wrong. I pack my stuff like the speed of light and approach him, bag in hand.

"Joshua—"

"I don't have time, Amelia. If you need help, schedule an appointment online," Joshua says coldly. He's staring at his laptop as he says it.

"But... I wanted to discuss—"

"I do not have time. I have another class to teach. I will see you tomorrow. Until then, you know my office hours. If you need help with your assignments, book an appointment."

My mouth falls open and I almost say something, but something stops me. I retreat out of the theatre before I act like a volcano and blow spewing, scalding lava everywhere. I peek around the corner once more, but he looks neutral, not reactive to my anger. I can't feel him still either.

Something is absolutely not right here.

I know I'm taking the absolute piss right now, but I do it one more time for effect. My fingers caress the tattoo on my left wrist, desperate for him to cave and give me what I need.

I watch Joshua typing on his laptop, indifferent to everything else around him. His connection comes through as strong as ever, but he doesn't touch his wrist.

It's definitely not Owen, either, because I would've had a message or call from him if this happened. There have been so many times Owen and I have touched our Knots at the same time or touched one another's, but we have never had this type of reaction or connection. I'd feel it if it was different to Joshua, I know that much. There's a distinct weird flush I've had whenever we connect, like a neon light that's just for Joshua in my mind. I fight against the stress relief of Joshua's connection to me as I stare at the very same man, still typing.

"What the fuck is happening?" I whisper. Is it possible I have a third Fated One? Is that even a thing? But that can't be possible because I can't suddenly cut half of my connection to Joshua overnight.

But he's definitely not feeling me right now. I release my hand, the stress bigger than anything that feeling can soothe. When a newborn baby is hungry, a dummy won't do, a comforter won't do, and this is one of those moments. Because the source of my comfort is right in front of me, giving me what I need, but something is off. Almost like I'm being given the wrong kind of food.

"Amelia?" Sam asks, her hand on my shoulder.

"Something isn't right, Sam. This is... something isn't right. This is so weird. He... I don't get it."

She puts her hand in mine to pull me along while I'm still furrowing my brow. She stops me in the middle of the tiny student café in the middle of the building and sits me in a chair. I grab my phone and pull up a message to Joshua: 'What the hell is going on? Why were you acting like that? You were touching your Knot because I felt you. But you were teaching the lecture and not touching your tattoo. What the fuck is going on?'

I press send before I can change my mind.

"I'm gonna get you a strong coffee, and then you're gonna explain what the hell is going on," Sam says.

There's a reason darkness has always frightened me, but I never knew what that reason is. I've always assumed it was the unknown, and that human emotion of something without a face or body. But now, I know.

Joshua aggravates me; he's rude, arrogant, and completely cold. But he gives me a purpose, an answer – even though his answer provides more questions – but he makes me feel whole with his connection. But now, the darkness of him somehow cutting me off without a reason or an answer makes me frightened of the darkness of not having him around.

Something else frightens me more than that, though. How in the hell have I known about this connection for less than a week and feel so strongly about it? How can I become accustomed to him with so little time and feel like it's the worst thing ever now he's seemingly gone? And why in the world does this frighten me more than make me relieved? I wanted him gone like this a few days ago, so why does it make me feel like I'm lost in a big maze of unknowns?

I hate him, but I also hate missing him.

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