Pain burst through my head, as soon as I opened my eyes and looked at the white ceiling.

"What happened yesterday?" Was the first thought that came to my mind as I sat up on my bed.

Moving away from London was the biggest step so far in my life and I am still not used to this place, call my new home.

My parents wanted to move away from London as a way to escape from their own pain and grieve and without discussing with me, one day told me that we were moving. My fifteen years old self was angry and mad about the decision and I took the worse possible way to rebel, smoking and fighting.

As I got off the bed and towards the shower, I tried to recall the event, that how I ended up in the bed. When I came down for breakfast. I see my cousin, Cole having breakfast. He give me a snobbish look as he wiped his mouth with the napkin. He would what I would call a neat and clean freak.

"How are you doing today?" He asked, sarcasm dripping in his tone. I was not in the mood for sarcasm and nagging first thing in the morning, when I have a hangover. I sat down on a chair as someone poured me juice.

"What are you doing here?" I asked, groaning as I took the glass and sip my drink.

"Trying to help your sorry a^s." He said.

"What is your problem?" I asked.

"You." He said, "Do you even remember what happened yesterday?"

"Tell me about it." I said.

He scoffed. "Your girlfriend was here."

I choked on my drink. "Why?" I asked, as I sat up curious.

"I brought her here because I felt guilty that you two were ignoring each other just because you were having a sudden break down because I mentioned about Bonnie, it was an accident! It's not like I meant to slip and give it away about Bonnie. Bonnie wouldn't have like that, El. She want you to live a better life and you drinking won't be getting you anywhere.You are just pushing your problems and adding more to it."

I sighed.

"And you had to take her personal diary to make things much more better?" He said giving me an accused look as my eyes widened.

"She found her diary?" I panic. Sh^t, I should have told her already about her diary.

"Of course she would have found out one day, genius."

"Sh^t." I said out loud.

"You should have told her the truth." He said, shaking his head.

"I did call her back, when I found her diary but she ran away and I had to open to see the name." I defended.

"Don't explain that to me, you have to explain that to her. You ignored her all this time and made her feel miserable."

I stood up from my chair and was ready to head out to see her, to explain to her the reason why I am ignoring her and the reason I had her diary, I think she will be mad and upset when she finds evidence that I actually went through her diary a numerous time.

"There is no point in going now, she made it clear she don't want to see us and you going right now won't help much. You forgot you were ignoring her? She will think you are coming just to say sorry for reading her diary and not for the other things." He sighed.

"Why do you seem upset in the situation?" I asked. "You are not in trouble and have no issues?"

"I called her a b*tch, you d^ckhead." He said and mouth dropped opened and all of a sudden I was angry with what I was listening.

"How could you? Why would you?" I snapped, demanding explanation.

"I was defending you and it just slipped."

"You call me a d*ckhead and know that I am such a sh^t person and what I was doing was wrong, but you defended me and called her a b*tch instead?" I was shocked.

"You are my cousin, more like my brother and she knows no sh^t about you-"

"Because I didn't allow her to. I always change the topic." I said.

"She said the same thing."

"What?" I asked wanting to learn about what happened yesterday.

"She said you didn't give her a chance to learn about you, while you know so many things about her through her diary."

"I was just curious, that time." Was the only excuse I could give him.

"You should give her sometime and figure out your life, if you need professional help, now is the right time."

"So, you mean to say that I should avoid contacting her and make it seem like I don't know she found out or make her feel even more sh*t that I am not making an effort to apologize to her?" I questioned his intelligence and sanity at the moment.

"What I mean to say is you need to give yourself some time to think about your relationship with her and think if you can trust her enough to tell her about Bonnie.

"Tell her what? That my family and I are still grieving for Bonnie?" I snapped angrily at him and give him a glare.

His feature softened, as he said. "You should start by telling her who Bonnie is."

I looked away from him and walked away from there to find my own little bubble space. It's been two and a half years already, everything has changed after she left the world. Things was not the same anymore without her. Bonnie was the oldest child in our little Walker family, she was two years older than me, wild and mostly funny. She was the fun one to hang around with compared to us two because she would make anyone's day with her crappy jokes. While she was the funny and talkative one, I was mostly the watcher and learner. I looked up to her in so many different way, she had dreams and was working very hard to reach her dream school, until that one cold, dark winter day. We lost the sunshine during the snow storm and who was to be blame for that? She had to drive herself back from that ballet school, that she always disliked, but because my parents loved seeing her dance, she did what they loved and not what she liked. If only she did not go to the ballet class that day, if only she was not stubborn and decided not to go, if only I could have stopped her from leaving the house or if someone would have offered to drive her home, maybe things would have been different. There was nothing else we could do, other than to think of the 'what ifs' and other possibilities that could have saved her. We were so comfortable and so happy in our own little bubble space. Cole, she and I we used to hang around a lot because our parents have nothing to offer, but money and luxurious life,so we depended on each other's supports and love. I know, if Bonnie was here she would surely love Everly and would have teased me, Everly deserve someone way better than a guy like me who have constant mood swings, who is troublesome and can't even show how much he likes her and ignores her like that would solve the problem and make her feel miserable,but I am too selfish to let her go, I am so selfish that I want to hold on to her for the rest of my life.