"Bring me alcohol, peroxide, and and a stapler!" I call out. They hasten to get them. "Okay, Carnelian. Stay with me."

"What the hell are you going to do a stapler?" He wheezes.

"I need to get your wound closed," I pant. I can't lose him too!

"Oh, hell no!"

"Get any pain killer you can find in the medicine cabinet. And anything that might knock him out!" G rushes back with peroxide, which I push to the side, and alcohol. Rook comes back with the staples.

"Go get more towels, and something for him to bite down on," I tell G, trying to calm my breathing. I waste no time.

"Rook! Hold him down...sorry about this Carnelian." Without any warning to Carnelian I take the Alcohol and poor it into his wound. Rook holds down Carnelian as he screams. I can't leave the alcohol in...so I take a half bloody towel and stick it into his wound. Somehow he screams even louder. Rook holds him down. I repeat this process again, then G comes back with the cloth and stapler I asked for. I shove the cloth into his mouth and he bites into it.

I pour alcohol over the staples and the head of it. I take a deep breath, squeezing his wound shut, to the best of my abilities. I unhinge the stapler then staple his wound shut. It's messy but it's all I can do. I press the towel to his wound. Slow tears make there way down his face. Then, once his blood has started to clot, I poor peroxide over the wound. I pray to the earth that this will somehow work. To be honest, I don't think it will.

"Carnelian, are you still with me?" I ask. Rook puts pressure on the towel and wound as G rummages through the cabinets looking for a medicine that can clot blood faster. Carnelian is passed out. Maybe that's for the best.

"What now?" Rook asks.

"We wait," I respond.

"Rowan..." Rook looks at me. He thinks he's going to die too.

"I know," I whisper. There's a grave moment of silence.

"I'll make food," G says gently. I see the pity in her eyes and it's the first time I think I've seen any emotion in her at all. Rook and I stay sitting next to Carnelian. I take his hand into my bloody one.

"I can't bear the thought of going home without him safe," Rook says. "No body else was supposed to die."

"I can't bear the thought of going home at all," I whisper. Rook gives me a quizzical look. "Who am I without chaos, Rook? Who am I without pain and a price on my head? I don't know what it's like to live happily. Even the last three months in Harmonia, I was looking for a way to escape, always. Who will I be when this is done?"

Rook squeezes my free hand. "I don't know, Rowan."

"And when we get home...there's always these expectations. I'm supposed to be strong, and forgiving, and happy. Rook, I'm not happy. I'm not happy to be in Harmonia. I can't stand the way they all look at me! And Lachlan and Lark make it no better!"

"What do you mean?" Rook asks. I look at him and decide it's time to tell the truth.

"I do love Lachlan, Rook. But, I also love somebody else...Lark." I see his eyebrows shoot up.

"Oh. Lark?"

"Yes. And...I loved them before I was turned into Yarrow...but I was always able to push it to the back of my mind. I always had something more important to focus on." I swallow hard. "But now, I have nothing. Nothing I can really do that distracts me from them. Now I find myself thinking about it nonstop. Every act, every sway of the breeze, everything reminds me off the war raging inside of me. It is a beautiful thing to be loved...but it is also more painful than words can describe." I wipe a tear off of my face that I didn't realize was there until now.

"I never realized Rowan, I'm sorry...but, you know there's nothing wrong with loving both of them," Rook says. I almost smile.

"I don't know Rook. I try to tell myself that there's nothing wrong with me but...it's pretty sick isn't it?" I chuckle. " Loving two people. Wanting two people. Yet, I don't want them both. I could never imagine my life being with both of them. Even if somehow they would agree, I would never be happy. How am I supposed to give one of them up?"

"You don't think you could just stay friends with one of them?" He asks. I snort.

"I wish! Unfortunately, I'm ninety nine percent sure that would never work either. Lark, would be too hurt. We could be friends but I would never stop seeing the hurt in her eyes. It'd be torture."

"And Lachlan?"

"He is...I don't know the word I'm looking for." I snort again. "Earth, I never know how to describe him! Lachlan is like fire. He is raging and roaring and destructive. If you get too close his heat will melt you. Touch him, and you will likely get burnt. I feel as if I am one of the only acceptations to this. He does not burn me but his heat is...magnificent. His heat can keep you warm in winter or agitate you in summer...but no matter what, like fire always does, it pulls you closer. Lachlan is irresistible. I have a chemical reaction when I'm around him. I just want him to pin me down and kiss me till I can't breathe. But I also just want to be held in his arms, completely chaste. If him and I stayed friends I have no doubt something would happen. I don't think I'd be strong enough to look at him and know I will never have him."

"So tell me about Lark. I hardly know anything about her," He says.

"Well," I start to grin. "She is a light in the darkness. She brings me hope in any situation. She too is irresistible. I don't have a chemical reaction to her, more like an emotional reaction. I think she is the most precious thing, and when I look at her smile I just want to kiss her. She is a flower. My flower. And I can't live without her, nor Lachlan."

Rook sighs. "That must suck."

"It wasn't supposed to be like this. I always imagined reaching the forest and being happy, but now I see that is completely out of the question. And now, I may never choose. I might force them both to be unhappy forever."

"You know, I was the one who told Lachlan you were dead after the explosion. Ash told as many people as possible and the word got around. I found out and I wrote to Lachlan on a piece of paper, since he was temporarily deaf from the explosion. I wrote I'm sorry about what happened to Rowan. And I swear to Earth Rowan, I'll never forget the look on his face. His whole body stiffened like a board. He looked up at me with this horror struck face and asked, What do you mean? What happened to her, I've heard no word. I knew right then that I'd messed up. I had to write it all down and tell him what happened."

"What was his reaction?" I ask, my eyes filling with tears.

"When he read it-" Rook has to swallow hard, and I see tears in his eyes."-he started to sob. Rowan, I've never seen anything like it. The grief on his face I-I wish I could forget it. The look on his face was..."

"The look of a boy who has had so much taken from him, and knows the one thing he couldn't bear to lose, just left too."

"Yes," Rook whispers. "I held him as he sobbed and...I'll never forget it. I've never seen somebody look so torn apart."

"And after that?"

"Then he said he was tired. He lay down but he didn't sleep. He looked up at the ceiling as slow tears trickled down his cheeks...that was the only time he cried," Rook says, then blinks away his tears.

"I'm glad that he didn't hurt after that."

"No, that isn't true. I would have rather him cry everyday than be how he was. He was emotionless, and defensive. He felt anger or nothing at all. Rowan, he is too stubborn for his own good. He doesn't know how to be happy without you."

"That makes me feel no better," I sigh in despair. "I feel like I walked into there lives and ruined it. If Lachlan can't live without me, then I ruined his life."

"Maybe. But I know he wouldn't mind his life being ruined by you," Rook winks at me. "Don't feel guilty anymore Rowan. You will figure it out, you're bound to."

"Rook, I can't thank you enough. Despite being Lachlan's brother you have still given me a completely unbiased opinion on the situation. Thank you."

"If you ever need someone to talk to, or wake in the middle of the night to go on deadly missions with, I'm your guy," He jokes. I laugh. I look at him and think, I have two brothers. Him and Ash.

"Well, we need to eat then sleep. Tomorrow may very well decide the fate of humanity," I say grimly.

"Can't save humanity on an empty stomach!" Rook exclaims. We packed food in our bags, so he reaches for his.

"I think I'll wait a moment to eat. I want to take a walk real quick. Can you watch Carnelian for me?" He nods. "Don't take an eye off him."

I walk into the courtyard and breathe in deeply when the door is closed. Tears fill my eyes as I look at the stars. "Oh Earth, what do I do?"

Tears start to trickle down my face and I don't stop them. I have been through so much...crying almost seems silly. But yet, I haven't cried enough. I am still a scared, curious little girl, who doesn't know where to put her anger. I still have no much pain and emotions built up. I saw my mother get shot, I was tortured at the Center, my identity changed. I saw the Underground attacked, then I blew it up myself, then I lived without my friends for three months. Then, Mira and dad died. I still haven't truly grieved. All the pent up emotion in me starts to flood out as I let slow tears come out.

Feels good to count your sins, hmm? Yarrow asks.

"What if he dies? What if we don't succeed tomorrow?" I ask, still looking up at the stars.

I don't think Carnelian will die, but if he does he will be happier, Yarrow whispers to me. And you will succeed tomorrow. Somehow I know you will. You always do.

"And after tomorrow? If we succeed who will I be?"

Rowan, like you have always been.

"I don't know who I am without war," I whisper.

A familiar voice deep inside me speaks. But it isn't Yarrow. No, it is the Ecopan.

Rowan, you are the Ecopan.