I sit on the cot, in the Elder Hall, looking straight ahead, unresponsive, rocking back and forth. Flame, Lachlan, Ash, Mom, Lark, and Rook are in the room.

"Rowan?" Flame asks again, shining a light in my eyes. I want to back away, giving her a disgruntled look, but I don't. Instead I just look into the light, empty. I don't think I ever truly knew what it meant to be the Ecopan until now. I didn't realize that when I gave a piece of my 'heart' I was also giving a piece of my consciousness-therefor some of my brain waves are gone. I shouldn't be alive. The Ecopan is the only thing keeping me alive, just like everyone else with lenses. Lachlan had no idea he had doomed me by convincing me to take the lenses.

And because some of my brain waves are gone I could have...damage. I'm finding that my damage is emotional. The Ecopan took a good chunk of my emotions, considering that's what it needed, humanity, and now I am left emotionally unbalanced and unstable.

"Rowan, if you can hear, me blink twice," Flame says. I glare at her. "Okay, I'm guessing that means you can hear."

"What is happening?" My mother asks. "How long has she been like this?"

Everyone's attention turns to Lachlan. Lachlan says, "She woke up screaming from a nightmare. She was screaming 'He killed them', or something like that-I'm not sure. I comforted her for a minute but then she went wild. She started screaming, and crying, promising that she wouldn't allow 'him' to do 'it.' I have no idea what she meant, but after a minute of that she passed out. Then she woke like this."

I watch Lachlan tell the story, and see the weird glances he gets from the others. For a moment I forget why they are raising their eyebrows and glaring at him, until Lark asks, "She was in your bed?"

"Yes," Lachlan says, blushing and clearing his throat, shifting his weight awkwardly. I feel Yarrow's attitude take over to make up for my lack of emotion, and I roll my eyes.

"Is this something to be concerned about or..." Ash's voice pipes up. Flames lips purse into a tight line as she looks me up and down.

"I'm sure it's nothing major, especially with her history," Flame says. "We'll just run some tests in a minute to make sure. In the mean time, try to get her to talk. Let's try to make this quick so we can all get back to our bikking mornings."

Flame leaves the room in a hurry. I'm not sure she will be able to live without caffeine for long. My mother gently touches my hand, and I look to her. Her loving touch makes me want to break down, but I force myself to stay strong. I take a deep breath against my emotions.

"Rowan, what happened?" Lark asks. I can hardly look at her perfect, innocent, face. So I don't. I don't look at her, instead I look at my short nails. I can talk, but I refuse to. I can't think of anything to say other than rants about the Ecopan, which would surely be considered nonsense.

They know a different side of the story than what Lachlan and I experienced. They think that when I tried to destroy the Ecopan it saw it's fate and as a last result, tried to attack me. Lachlan and I both know that isn't what happened. I willingly went with the Ecopan to save humanity...and now I fear I may have doomed it. Resolutely, I uncurl myself, and sit up straight, clearing my throat, trying to look attentive.

"It doesn't matter. Where's Flame? I want to get these tests done so I can go back to sleep." I almost want to cry when I say these words. I can't sleep. Aaron won't allow it. I never realized how much crucial sleep was for our mental health. I knew that sleep restored our body but I didn't think it restored our minds. I feel like I'm going insane! I haven't gotten a moment of rest, or peace, since becoming the Ecopan. All of my sleeps are interrupted.

I think of how at peace I felt when Lachlan kissed me in the courtyard. I have been able to confide in him, but for how long? When will he decide he can't handle the topic of the Ecopan anymore, much less discuss the fact that I am the Ecopan.

"Flame should be back any minute but I'll go get her," Rook offers. He heads out of the room and we sit in awkward silence while we wait. And Lark, how do I explain to her what happened? I know she still has a dozen questions she doesn't dare ask. My thoughts are interrupted by Flame walking back in the room, Rook following behind.

"So, it is my understanding that they do have some machines in Harmonia," Flame says. "So, we'll just take you down there to get your test done quickly so we can all go back to sleep, but only Rowan, the rest of you need to stay here."

They murmur and nod in agreement, as I stand and walk to Flame in the doorway. I take one last look over my shoulder at my friends. I see Ash's innocent, yet strong, face looking back at me. I'm so proud of the gentle, kind, man he has become. I look at my moms gentle, loving eyes and immediately feel more at peace. I look at Lark...and look away. I don't know what to say, or feel. I can't deny that I love her, but unfortunately there's so much more to a relationship than love. And, finally I look at Lachlan. When I look at Lachlan I feel so many emotions I almost feel empty, like when you mix every color together and you get black.

I turn back to Flame and she leads me past rows and rows of people recovering from the battle. Flame opens a door marked 'Elders Only' and leads me down a dark staircase with a bright light at the end. When we reach the ground I'm met by strange, white, machines that look like they can't possibly belong in Harmonia. Then I see a man, just as white as the machines, with red hair, and a hopeless expression-he looks wasted and pathetic.

"Oh, Carnelian!" I cry then rush to his side, he looks at me then laughs, his eyes full of tears. His breath smells like that wine I drank at the Wolf Moon ceremony. "Carnelian, are you drunk?"

"No. No, I don't drink, Mira always said drunk Carnelian was bad in bed," Carnelian says, his words are slurred, then fat tears start to roll down his cheeks. "She's dead, Rowan. My Mira is dead."

Carnelian puts his forehead on my shoulder and starts to cry. I hold him lovingly until his tears dry. When he pulls away from me he looks somber, but hopeful.

"Thank you Rowan." Is all he says before retreating to a corner. Flame steps forward and tells me what I need to do.

I lay down on one of the machines that looks like a table. The machines are obviously high quality and advanced, but they have an aged dust that coats it's surface. Flame presses a button on the wall and the table starts to move back. The table moves until I move through a circular hoop that shines red beams at me. Suddenly, the ecopan takes hold of me.

Rowan, Aaron says to me.

"What the hell do you want?" I snap. This is the absolute most random time to take me.

I want what's best for humanity, and that's you. This is just a stepping stone to get there. I wake up and the table is done moving. I sit up, confused and annoyed, as Flame presses another button that lights up the wall behind me. The entire wall is a computer screen that starts to load my scans. I sit crisscross on the table watching it load.

When it finally loads I can see the oval shape that is supposed to be my brain. The first half of the scans have complicated colors making a pattern in my brain, but the second half is an empty oval. I see Flame and Carnelian look at them in concern.

"What the bikk?" Flame curses and starts pressing more buttons. Carnelian and Flame exchange a look then start to whisper.

"What's happening? What does that mean? Why do you look so confused?" I ask them. They stop whispering and look at me tensely.

"Well..." Flame starts. "This kind if error is uncommon, practically unheard of, but we think the tests came out..."

"Wrong," Carnelian finishes for her. I look at both of them in shock.

"What do you mean the test was wrong?" I ask.

"Nothing. Calm the bikk down," Flame quips, she's back to her normal self. They do the test again, and like last time, half way through Aaron interrupted me.

"What are you doing?" I ask him impatiently. I can't forgive him for what he did to those innocent people.

I'm messing up the test. This is just one more way to make you give yourself to me.

"Why are you doing this? Why can't you wait?" I plead. "Don't I deserve better than this? Don't I deserve a normal life?"

I don't know, Rowan. All I know is the earth and what is best for it. Put yourself out of your misery and join me. This is where you belong.

"I belong with my friends, and I can't leave them now-I won't!" I protest. "They've been through too much!"

Fine. Have it your way, but more people will die.

I wake up again and Carnelian is looking down on me. He somehow looks more pale than usual.

"Oh, Rowan! I thought you were dead," He cries then throws his arms around me. When I turn around my scans look the same as the last, half colorful, half black and grey.

"What happened?" I ask hugging him back. I'm so confused.

"You were completely unresponsive. Rowan, do you know what those scans mean? They show your brain activity. Half way through your scans your brainwaves disappeared. Rowan, you went brain dead, which can't be undone. If these scans are right there is a 100% chance you should be dead right now."

"Well, then they must be wrong," I say, knowing completely well that they weren't.

"We thought so too," Flame says. She looks like she is in a mixture between disgruntled and concerned. "But then you weren't responsive...listen, obviously you're not dead so the scan must be wrong. But, it is inevitable that something very wrong is happening in your brain. Normally, I wouldn't try to fit in or be 'normal' but when it comes to your brain, I wouldn't want to be irregular."

Flame starts to pace back and forth. She says, "I went into this test expecting to find absolutely nothing out of the ordinary. I thought that your multiple personalities, and PTSD, and shock from our victory might be kicking in to make such irregular behavior come from you. I thought I'd run a few tests to make Lachlan happy, that paranoid son of a bitch. I thought I would make sure you didn't have a tumor, or aneurysm, but I never thought I would find anything wrong, much less that you are...dead."

"What is going to happen to me?" I ask. Honestly, I'm not asking Flame. She has no idea. Even if she thinks she understands this, she doesn't. No amount of scans or tests will explain this to her, this is so much bigger than she thinks.

"I have absolutely no idea," Flame says, and for the first time ever, I think I see fear in her eyes. A fear that I share.

A fear of the future. A fear of the present. And very dimly, in the back of our minds, I think there's a fear of the past.