A FACE COLLAPSED THROUGH ENTROPY

I CAN HARDLY SPEAK

i always wanna die (sometimes)

The sky is eerily similar to the weather on the day of Mother's death. It was peaceful but it doesn't evoke that sense of serenity most know. You know, the kind of peace one receives in weary eyes as they gaze out at the prairie on the porch of their home. It was the kind of peace that slowly and silently destroys you. The brief tranquility that your body absorbs when you feel yourself sinking into the earth, a natural grave being dug out by God's hands.

Junpei's eyes have a slight warmth to them as they reflect the glint of the afternoon sun. You're sitting on the steps down to the river bank with him and Itadori, laughing about movies. He reminds you of yourself, but more or less the old you, the girl that was far too naive and knee-deep in a world she will never understand, stuck in a society that won't care for her. You think you can call Junpei a new-found friend, especially since he also agrees that Human Bloodworm 2 was far better than Human Bloodworm 3 (you had been trying to explain this to Gojo-sensei for weeks but he thought you were out of your mind.)

"Here's our contact info," Itadori smiles, handing his phone over and pointing to his and your number. Your smile is a little fragile, maybe you're just somewhat tense, but you watch Junpei's eyes rove and pass over your uniform again. He knows something, you think, but what it is, I can't determine. The swirled buttons? The emblem on your uniform that you don't even recognise yourself?

Junpei looks at the phone, something secretive lurking beneath his mildly surprised expression. He knows something! You purse your lips. Maybe... even someone. You haven't known him for long, not even for an entire day, but you can read him like a book and you know every thought in his head is being backed up by the voice of another, like across the last three days he's been under guise of a shadow.

Then suddenly, a voice breaks whatever still ice had formed between the three teenagers. "Oh, Junpei?" Everyone turns and a woman stands at the top of the stairs, looking back at you.

Junpei's lips twitch into a warm smile, "Mum."

Your eyes linger on this woman and you feel irresistibly jealous. Jealous because your own mother was six feet under. She seems friendly and laid-back, the softness tucked in her eyes tells you she cares deeply for her son.

"It's unusual to see you out here," She notes and then her pink lips stretch into a lovely smile, "Are these your friends?"

"We just met, actually," Junpei admits, standing up to look back at his mother.

Itadori grins, "We may have just met, but I think the three of us can be friends!"

Junpei's mother lifts her hand, "Really? I hope you get along well, then."

A cigarette rested in between thin fingers, her eyes cast into a pool of deep thought. Junpei's mother watched the end of the cancer stick fizzle from the lowly burning fire of sorts, her attention turned briefly to the thin smoke that was webbed into the air around her, slowly lost. In doing so, she seemed so carefree. You like that feeling, that feeling of being free. She instantly strikes you as an amazing mother.

But then, her son's expression changes entirely, hardening as if frustration outlined his features, "Mum! I asked you..." He looks down, his hands balling into fists by his sides. "...to quit smoking."

"Oh, right, gomen!" She pockets the cancer stick in a purple purse, "I did promise not to smoke in front of you anymore." She walks down the steps towards you guys, a graciously sweet smile pressed on her lips, "What are your friends' names?"

Itadori immediately gets up, "Itadori Yuuji!" He swings his arm around your shoulder, "And this is [L/n] [F/n]."

"The green onion doesn't suit your look," You laugh a little, noting the grocery bag tucked on her arm.

Junpei's mother seems enviously relaxed and playful, "Oh, you can tell? I'm trying to be a woman who doesn't look good with green onions." She steps forwards, lifting her grocery bag, "So, Yuuji-kun, [L/n]-chan, care to join us for dinner?"

The sound of Itadori's stomach rumbling tells you what his response is going to be. And you already like this family so you'll tag along. Besides, free dinner? You're not going to pass up on that.

▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃

The Yoshino family home was the scent of sweet lemongrass and vanilla diffusers, masking the aroma of sticky gin. You had already kicked off your sneakers and helped set the table, sitting alongside Junpei, his mother and Itadori. You admire this feeling that bleeds and swallows up your heart in this moment, the feeling of "home", of eternity and of light.

Itadori has this uncanny ability to make any situation better and you like this about him, the way he repairs a damaged soul, the way he makes you feel happy.

You're laughing so hard that your rib cage hurts, the fits of giggles being like ripples in a still pond after a stone has been thrown in. Junpei's mother hugs a half-empty can of beer as she descends into a puddle of laughter, also finding Itadori's humour hilarious.

Both you and Itadori had spent the last half an hour telling back-and-forth tales of childhood mishaps and more, easing the tension from earlier and imbuing a sense of peace into this lovelorn family.

"And then? Junpei's mother asks, leaning in.

Itadori's face is pink from all the blushing and giggles, "So then Takashi-kun says, full of confidence... This is the larva of an invasive species! It might be poisonous! Nobody touch it! So then I tried picking it up and it turned out to be konjac noodle from lunch!"

Junpei looks less than pleased, if anything, gobsmacked at how much his own mother is laughing. She waves her hands, "Wait, konjac? It was a konjac noodle?!"

"Mum, you've had too much to drink," He deadpans.

This itself would later be made true when night falls and Junpei's mother falls asleep at the dining table, letting Junpei put a blanket over her. The three of you had been playing charades, laughing over Itadori's impression of Cast Away and more.

It was the first time you had heard Junpei laugh and it made you feel strangely happy.

"Your mum's really nice," You mumble, hands behind your back as you fiddle with them.

Junpei smiles at his mother briefly before turning to face you and Itadori. "What are your mothers' like?" He asks.

Itadori blanks, "Uh, I've never met her. Though I have a few faint memories of my father." He looks away, scratching his head, "I had my grandpa to be there for me, though."

You look down with a small voice, "My mother's dead. And... my father's back home," You feel your phone buzz in your skirt's pocket, "Oh, sorry, I have a call."

"Moshi, moshi, Ijichi-san," You still have traces of a faint smile, as though Junpei's laugh was infectious.

Ijichi sounds scared out of his mind. "How are you?! What's happening?! Are you dead?!"

"Mm, yeah, We're fine..."

"Stay put, I'm coming to get you two! Don't die! Wait... get out of there if he tries to kill you!"

"But we're about to watch a movie!" You laugh, thinking about the movie you chose.

"So... you're not in any danger? Do you want me to come later?"

"Yeah, sure. Two hours from now, then."

"Two hours?!--" Ijichi screams in horror but the line disconnects.

When you put down the phone, Junpei is staring at you, "You two are jujutsu sorcerers, right?"

"...Yeah," Itadori says, which makes you mentally facepalm yourself. Should he have said that?

Junpei's voice is mellow and sad, so soft that it makes you sleepy, "Have you...ever killed someone?"

You look back and see Junpei staring at the television, remote control in his hand.

Itadori's answer is blunt, "No."

You don't reply, feeling your throat clog up from just trying to form the answer. Was it guilt that tugged at you? You know logically you have never killed anyone but you know what it is to "kill" and you have seen Mother's corpse rolling in the back of your labyrinthe mind enough times to know that it was you who got her killed. You caused her death. You, you, you.

But, you remain silent, the expression on your face goes unnoticed, scowling, bitterness, like you had just sucked on a lemon. The memories of the past are like a man driving a knife through your chest. Something within your heart tugs; you're not sure what it is but it fills your throat in the middle of the night, fills your lungs and your mouth. You are drowning and you cannot swim to the surface of your own guilt.

"But someday you'll have to fight bad jujutsu sorcerers, right?" Junpei lifts a CD from it's cover, holding it gently in his soft hands. "What will you do then?"

Itadori exhales, still standing in the same place, "I still wouldn't want to kill them."

"Why not? They're bad people?"

You start to feel your stomach twisting inside of you, threatening to split in half and spill your guts all over the floor. You have a look in your eyes that is of heavy guilt and fear. It doesn't belong on your face and it scares you.

They're... bad... people. You repeat slowly, straining your thoughts. Was your mother a bad person? Was that that why she was killed? Why you repressed all those awful memories except the one memory that seems to rot within you, eat you from within. That image of her skeletal remains, devoured hope and more.

"It's like... I just think, if I killed anyone, the option of killing would force its way into my life. The value of life would become ambiguous. I wouldn't even understand the importance of those I care about anymore. And that scares me."

And that scares me. Doesn't it scare us all?

i'll edit this later hopefully