I'm forty-five today. I crawl out of bed before Lindsey and go into the bathroom. I told myself I wasn't going to do this today as it is my birthday, but Lindsey and I can't track my periods because they've always been irregular my whole life. We had sex exactly one month ago, and I made sure I got the tests that I knew could give me a result of up to four weeks. I waited the ten minutes and I looked down only seeing the one line I tried not to cry. Still no baby. My doctor tells me as long as I'm still menstruating. Because of my age and the scars on my ovaries he suggested fertility treatments. Lindsey agrees, he said if I absolutely wanted another baby we could. I've put my body through so much shit in the past, cocaine, and Klonopin that the thought of injecting more things into my body scares me. I told Lindsey naturally or no way. We've been trying for over a year, I've given myself a deadline. If not by age forty-eight we'll adopt. Sara will be twenty so if anything were to happen to Lindsey or me she could take care of it.

Back in September, Lori and Chris had a little girl. They named her Jessica James-Phoenix Nicks. She's the sweetest little baby, but it makes the longing to give her a playmate her age grow. I know my biological clock is ticking

I go back to bed, just in time for Lindsey to wake up and make me breakfast. Breakfast in bed to be exact. We have a party planned, a birthday dinner both of our families flew in. All the nieces and nephews as well.

***

As we're cleaning up from my birthday dinner, Jeff and Christi approach us.

"Steves, we hate to take your day from you but we have to talk about something important," Jeff says sitting at the bar.

"If it's important I don't mind," I say sipping my wine. The negative pregnancy test this morning already took my day from me.

"Well, we're having a baby," Christi announces. My heart shatters but I hold my composure.

"Oh, Christi that's great. Brooke is five and Cory is eight. I know you've wanted another baby for a while." I hug her.

"We haven't told anyone else. It's still very early but we wanted you two to be the godparents." Christi smiles.

"We'd love to. Congratulations." I confirm kissing her on the cheek.

"Thank you so much, Stevie." She responds squeezing me tightly.

***

When Lindsey and I go up to bed, I let the tears out.

"I'm sorry Steph." Lindsey sighs.

"I'm okay Lindsey...why don't we stop trying?" I suggest.

"What do you mean?" He asks.

"Well, all of our kids, as bad as it sounds, were accidents. Besides, I'm going on tour soon anyway and you're going back into the studio. It might just be for the best." I shrug.

"Angel if that's what you really want I will support you. Oh...I didn't give you your gift!" Lindsey changes the subject going over to his dresser.

"You didn't have to get me anything." I chuckle

"When have I not gotten you a birthday gift?" He asks handing me the box.

Opening it, I pull out a gold diamond ring. It's a single diamond much like my original engagement ring, but it's much bigger.

"What is it with you buying me Diamonds?" I ask

"You deserve all the diamonds in the world." He kisses me.

"Thank you. It's gorgeous." I smile.

I hurt for my wife. She's always been the most motherly and nurturing person ever. If you're sick she'll be right there giving you blankets, making you tea, making sure you're okay. And yesterday was her birthday and my idiot brother and sister-in-law telling us they're having a baby was like a slap in the face.

Today, however, Sara graduates. Stevie wants a baby so badly and her oldest baby is graduating. She has eight more years of schooling ahead of her at USC but that doesn't change the fact that our oldest is going away and starting another phase of life. All my wife craves for is another chance.

The whole graduation ceremony Stevie holds Jessie, but she also cries. Buckingham is very early in the list of names called and as soon as Sara gets her diploma our mothers joining Stevie in the crying. Pictures with the Byron family follow, and Stevie still can't stop crying.