The whiff of nicotine spun my head around just in time to catch him making a beeline for me.

The healing of this wound is underway. Yet here I found myself flaying the scabs of an ancient injury. Unti-unting luminaw ang usok na nagpapalabo ng tanaw ko sa kanya na papalapit sa akin. Watching him on his way, the eye of the purpose directed only to me, the ball of anticipation pounced and left scratches like a wild beast raging inside my chest. But to feel the slow ripples of the floor beneath my feet, it's as if I am the one who's on my way... to him.

May pumigil sa kanya sa gitna ng paglapit. Lumalim ang dikit ng kilay nang binalingan ang kaibigan.

It was one of those nights; Smokes, booze and songs he tags me along with him every after gigs. Bago sumalang sa entablado, pinapatabi kay Charlie para bantayan lalo na ang pag-inom. Kada matapos naman ay kay Charlie rin ako hinahanap.

For the life of me, I couldn't seem to tell what made me pull my camera and aligned my left eye on the lens, like an eclipse. For some strange reason, I couldn't grasp what was about the night that made me capture him.

"Angelov!" A distant echo of my voice.

Awang ang bibig niya akong binalingan. At sa isang sambit ko sa kanya, agad niya akong nahanap kahit nakatago ang aking mukha sa likod ng camera.

I took a polaroid photo of him. A stolen shot. His lips are parted and a faint surprise etched on his semi-sober face. May sigarilyo sa kanyang kamay na isusubo pa lamang yata niya nang tinawag ko siya. He looked like a 90's dream boy aesthetic. Sa namumungay na mga mata gawa ng bumabalot na usok o ang sadyang malabong film ng litrato, nakaangat ang isang kilay niyang may matulis na arko na nagpapasuplado pa sa kanyang itsura.

"Ano iyan?" He drawled as he drew himself towards me, leaving one of his guest's talking mid-sentence. Nadepina ang gaspang sa boses dahil kakaubos lang ng pangatlong bote ng beer at katatapos lang din ng dalawang sigarilyo.

Nilagay niya ang hindi nagamit na sigrailyo sa kanyang tenga saka binalot ang braso sa aking baywang, niyayakap ako patagilid.

"Ikaw." I showed him the polaroid film.

"Hmm..." he hummed. He's in the middle of his drunken chuckles when he buried a kiss on my hair just at the side of my head. Humahalik siya habang inaalay ang buong bigat ng katawan sa paghilig niya sa akin. Before a groan could escape from me, he caught my hand and purposefully dragged me in the middle of the crowd. Nahawi ang mga tao sa pagdaan namin dahil maingay din si Angelov.

"Kunin niyo na lahat, 'huwag lang 'to!" Lasing niyang deklara at tinuro ako. "Mamamatay akong ipaglalaban 'to kaya tangina niyong lahat!"

Every cheer flaring up from the throats of his friends was fuel pouring more heat on my already blushing face.

"Ang possessive mo, gago! Wag masyadong sakalin, brad!" hagalpak ni Charlie. "At huwag itali. Hindi manok iyan!"

Angelov turned his face to me in an intentional slow motion. May kahulugan na agad sa titig niya hindi lang dahil sa lumalamlam na mga mata, kundi sa pailalim niya akong tinitigan. Tumutusok ang dila sa loob ng pisngi habang may pagpipigil sa ngiti. The look that never fails to rouse the biting shivers and feverish anticipation.

"Paano ba 'yan?" Mas umangat ang dulo ng kanyang labi at marahang binalot ng kamay niya ang aking leeg. "Gusto niyang sinasakal, e. Mild nga lang."

Sasabog na yata ang mukha ko sa pagtagas ng liyab habang bumibingi sa akin ang hiyawan ng mga tao roon. Binalot ako ng akbay ni Angelov saka itinago ang mukha ko sa dibdib niya na ramdam ko ang pag-alog dahil sa kanyang halakhak. With his lazy chuckles, I felt him kiss the top of my head.

Eyes closed, I am riding the sway of his embrace. Not long after, what felt like a gentle wave morphed into a brewing storm with the way my heart pounded the doors of my chest as though pleading desperately for it to crack open. Tinulak akong mas idiin ang pagpikit sa nararamdamang pagnipis ng usok. Nagsusumamo sa puwersang ipirmi ako sa mga sandaling iyon dahil sa natatabunan nang amoy ng sigarilyo... ang unti-unting paglalaho ng mga hiyawan... na pinapalitan ng huni ng hangin, kiskisan ng mga puno at ang tibok ng buhay ng siyudad sa ibaba. Muli ay tila ako'y hinihila paahon mula sa lilim ng kung saan man ako ibinaon.

The tighter I held, the more palpable the sheets of his loose white shirt felt.

Shivers coated me brought by the gust of the cold breeze. My eyes flashed open, and in my attempt to hold my breath, I heard Angelov's loud beating heart just in direct to my right ear. Pinapakinggan ko iyon hanggang sa nagaya ng sariling puso ko ang parehong bilis ng tibok ng sa kanya.

Hindi ako gumalaw maliban sa mga matang iginala ko sa paligid. The heat of chagrin spread inside me upon the realization that we're still within Cher''s property, Wala na rin ang naaamoy kong usok sabay natanto ang kumikiliting mga rosas malapit sa ilong ko. Halos maipit ang bouquet dahil sa higpit ng yakap ko.

I recoiled and lifted my eyes to him. Nakadungaw na si Angelov sa akin. I could still see the face from the imagination I just had it's just that here, to where I am, a dream or not, heaven or in some world beneath, it's the most sober I've ever seen him by a mile and and healthy... more mature with a faint carpet of stubble on his chin.

His smile was gentle as he peered down on me. "Akala ko nakatulog ka na."

Napakurap ako sa marahang paghawi niya ng takas na mga hibla ng aking buhok. Nang hinuli niya ang aking kamay, kumunot ang noo ko ngunit tinapos din agad iyon ng pagtanggal niya sa scrunchie sa aking palapulsuhan. The second it struck me what he's about to do, tears began welling up in my eyes.

White shirt and tattoos, my dress and black boots... a flash of nostalgia of this similar night blinded my present mind. I swallowed and shook my head off from another tempting pull of gravity stirred by a thousand yesterdays. Pinipilit kong hindi maiyak habang tinatali niya ang buhok ko.

"I-is this the old shirt?" I thought I could use this as a distraction, but what it did was to only draw me closer to what I have supposedly unhanded a long time ago.

And to the best of my recollection, I tuck his old white shirt in the farthest edge of my closet. But this one he''s wearing now, why does it smell the same? Or is my mind in a pleasant mood for playing tricks on me again?

"Mhm. Tatlo yata 'to. Hindi ko na alam nasaan yung iba. Ito 'yung mga binibili ko noon dahil mura lang."

Napakurap ako. He's earning millions but he chose to wear an old cheap white shirt?"

What surrounded us felt new and old at the same time. Tila ba ang mga braso ng dalawalang magkibang panahon ay nagpapang-abot at ngayo'y magkahawak kamay. Hindi ko matukoy kung sadya ba kaming bumabalik, o kami ang kusang hinihila?

"W-why...?"

"It's comfortable. Nothing beats the classic, Sam." He smirked. "Tsaka nasasakal ako sa suit."

Muli niya akong pinasidahan. Doon ko lang din natanto na wala sa sarili kong hinahaplos ang aking mga braso para ibsan ang lamig ng humuhuning hangin. Binuksan ni Angelov ang back seat ng sasakyan at kinuha roon ang itim na blazer niya para ibalot sa akin saka niya ako hinatid sa aking uupuan sa kabilang bahagi ng pick-up.

May rahan ang aking pagpasok at pag-aalinlangan sa pag-upo. I closed my eyes, bracing myself for the worst of triggering memories and what they could do to my fluctuating emotions. My breath quivered as I inhaled, and I'm as well as taken back to my screaming at his face while I struggled to push him in this very seat.

Grasping my breath to a clenching stillness, I anticipated for that similar intensity of loud blasting of the door when I closed it to cut his drunken laughter. My heart, its pace quickening by the minute. My skin warm, my veins cold, the anxiety had me in a chokehold. I burn outside, I freeze within while in these closed eyes I beheld myself rounding the hood until I reached the seat to drive him home.

I screamed that night. I was about to yell at myself when the ancient old engine roared to life.

Singhap akong napabaling sa kanya. Nakaharap si Angelov sa akin. Night has arisen and I'm not sure if the dusk impelled the look on his face, o ganoon lang ba talaga siya ka-seryoso? Naririnig ko ang tanong sa hulma lang ng kuryosidad at dilim sa kanyang mukha ngunit ramdam ko rin ang kanyang pag-iingat.

Too careful that the slightest escape of sound from the door closing didn't slip into my hearing.

"This is your old pick up car, right?" I cleared my throat and shifted in my seat.

It wasn't a question despite how I made it sound like so. Hinigpitan ko ang yakap sa akin ng blazer niya. Kahit dito sa loob, nakakapanlamig ang pagkakailang ko.

"Akala ko nga na kay Charlie," mababa ang boses niya at ang isip ay tila nanatili pa sa kung ano ang gusto niyang mahagilap sa akin. "Ayaw niyang kupkupin kaya sinalo ni Lemuel."

My brows arched in an expression of mild surprise. "Lemuel kept the car all this time. How is he by the way?"

I don't want to use this opportunity of shifting the subject about an old friend just to find relief. Pero kahit papaano, gusto ko ring kamustahin ang dating kaibigan na nagkamali akong husgahan noon.

"Okay naman..." His tone offered the other way around. "Naka-wheelchir na siya ngayon. Aksidente sa motor three years ago." He dragged a deep bracing breath as he maneuvered the wheel to turn as we reached an intersection. "May dinaluhan daw silang party roon sa may norte. Pagkauwi, siya lang may helmet. Ang nagmaneho sa motor asawa ng kapatid niya." The long pause made me hold my breath. "He didn't make it."

Tulala ako ng ilang segundo, awang ang bibig at napanawan ng sasabihin. I swallowed the dry lump in my throat as I sunk myself deeper to my seat, weighed down by such heavy news.

"I-iyong kapatid niya... yung nag-asikaso ng marriage certificate? Iyong nagtatrabaho sa munisipyo ba 'yon? Or sa city hall..."

Tipid ang kanyang pagtango. The subtle flinch on his face was a blatant attempt to stir the tension off from the news that it also offered a shift on the subject.

"At may asawa't mga anak na rin. Hulaan mo saan sila nagkakilala ng asawa niya?"

I gathered he's talking about Lemuel. "Hmm..." sa bar?"

Angelov strangled a snort. "Nope."

"College sweethearts? Sa school?"

He shook his head as he was trying not to giggle. "Sa simbahan."

Nanlaki ang mga mata ko. "No way. This is Lemuel we're talking about right?"

Angelov nodded fast as though this news still surprises him.

Mula sa tuwa para sa kaibigan, napansin ko ang unti-unting panunumbalik ng dating anyo niya sa dilim. He may look too focused on the road ahead of us, but I can strongly feel that his mind is diving deep elsewhere.

"Matindi talagang makakapagpabago ng tao ang trahedya," He muttered more so to himself.

My gaze never left him. And with tragedy and death as both our mutual friends, I couldn't have agreed more. Unti-unti ko na ring tinanggap na kailangan naming harapin ito pareho kung saan man kami pinapaikot ng mga sarili namin anumang iwas. No matter how I try to warm up to the subject that brought us terrifying cold, to our spines and to our hearts, the only way for us to get through this is to confront it.

Kahit hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit kailangan pa itong iharap muli sa amin. Ano ang gustong ipaintindi nito sa akin?

"Are you going to keep the car?"

He fixated his piercing gaze on the red traffic light switching to green in front before another word fell.

"Sa tingin mo?" tahimik niyang tugon, at sa tonong iyon ay parang inaasa niya sa akin ang huling hatol.

I filled the empty cup of silence with sly drops of retrospection.

Spreading my gaze around the insides of the car, flashes of just about everything that has transpired in here played layer by several layers of transient summary in a speed like motion... a supercut. Like a film fast forwarded just to skip to the best parts. Huling kita at sakay ko rito ay noon pa yatang kasal ngunit anong tagal man ng panahon ang lumipas, alalang alala ko. Saulo ang bawat sulok at pangyayari. It may seem trivial to others but this had somehow sheltered at least half of our fights. All the cringe moments and the sweet ones, I recalled.

Umiling ako. "I don't know..."

"Hindi na siguro."

I hope his decision wasn't derived from my ambivalence.

"Ibabalik mo kay Lemuel?"

A part of me takes issue with getting rid of it. Pinaghirapan din naman niya ito at bahagi ng nakaraan niya at palatandaan din ng kanyang pagsusumikap. It's just... me, in which he shouldn't have been worrying. This is his car after all. Bought and valued from his first paycheck. Isa pa hindi rin naman ako laging sumasakay rito.

Bumagal ang sasakyan at hindi na ako nagulat nang dahan-dahan niya itong inihinto sa gilid.

I watched him engulfed by his own silence. His line of vision intent on the road ahead... or beyond.

"Noong nakita ko 'to ulit sa garahe, unang pumasok sa isip ko ay ang unang beses ko 'tong ginamit. And that first time I drove this was leaving from the second hand car shop," aniya sabay tapik sa manibela. "And the first time I drove around with friends. And you..."

A small smile nudged his lips when he turned to me. Resting my gaze on his eyes, I was blinded by the glint of dulcet longing.

"Hindi ko naalala 'yong masasamang nangyari. I didn't force it. It's like the blissful memories I had with you have a mind of their own and they want to be remembered, so I did."

Lumawak ang pagpunit ng ngiti sa mukha ko dahil ganoon din mismo iyon pinapaalala sa akin. Hindi nga lang nagtagal dahil sa pagbabagong anyo niya, tila salamin akong nahuhulma ang kaparehong ukit ng kanyang mga mukha.

"But now with the both of us here, I know it triggered the unpleasant days, Sam. Hindi ko lang alam at ramdam, pero kahit sa akin, pinapaalala iyon. Pero gusto ko lang sanang may balikan. Iyong mga araw na bigo nating nakamit noon. Na kung hindi ko lang ginawa iyon... kung nagpakatino ako, anong puwedeng mangyari sa 'tin? I want to live there somehow even just for tonight. To bring forth the unborn days. Revive what was once dead..."

Kasabay ng pagpikit ay ang hila ng malalim na singhap. Sa subok na yakapin ang sarili, huli ko nang naalala ang palumpon ng rosas na hinilig sa aking dibdib. The plastic wrapper outside the non-woven paper made a crumpling sound as I adjusted myself in my seat the same time hugging the bouquet. Despite the prickles biting my skin, I figured that I didn't just embrace these roses, but I cradled the thorns too around my arms.

"But you know what? A crime it may seem but I'd rather recall the bad days with you than remember the good ones without you in it. Because in a way, your voice as I recalled was one of the reasons that woke me up. Reasons why I hoped when I was about to admit defeat and had the god of death take my soul for hell to feast on. The bad days with you... gusto kong balikan para itama iyon lahat."

A tight seize of my chest inhibited me to breathe. Inalala ko kung paano niya gagawin iyon. Ang itama ang lahat. I know asking forgiveness is behindhand but that doesn't make it void. I believe he already did or if he did not, I likely have forgiven him without a question.

He certainly had his mad share of offenses disrupting not just our relationship but his bond with other people, but do we really need to go back just to rectify them all? Will it even change the past? Will it alleviate the pain? Would things have gone better for us or worse than how it had been? Though I still wonder if without all of it, we would become who we are now?

What if we endure a different suffering? Maaaring mas malala pa nga ang nangyari o kundi naman ay mas magaan ang sakit. But maybe... maybe at the other extreme on that lifetime, we might not end up here together. *

I guess we'll never know. There are hundred possibilities for fate to choose on where we could have ended up. And most likely, out of all the prospects, this is the only lifetime that got us as far as staying alive and together all at once.

Hanggang sa pagpapalagay lang ako na marahil sa ibang posibilidad, magaan lamang ang mga buhay namin ngunit hindi rin naman magtatagpo sa dulo.

The past doesn't define us. His addiction doesn't define him. It was a wrong decision out of desperation to end his pain, or the lack thereof, as he could no longer bear any weight but the leaden desolation. *

His addiction was once only a part of his history, not of his blood.

So to rectify an unfortunate choice... can we just move on and do things better and right instead? Like making up for our deprived chances, making up for our children? Tutal ay napagbayaran na niya ang maling desisiyon na iyon. He knew what he did wrong and suffered enough for his crimes in which I believe he took the beatings willingly. He's been tormented for long and now... a better man. *

And by going back to the past is like thrashing ourselves over again for we also have to relive the entailing horrors of it. Ang sana'y pagtatama ng lahat ay katumbas lang din ng pagpaparusa ulit sa mga sarili namin. *

Yes, I have the stark nerve to say this 'cause this is exactly what I did. The wrath and regret didn't drive me forward, it only chained me to the same ground. A life lived in a mental prison.

"How will you do that?" A cold question representing as a summary of my previous thoughts.

Mabigat ang buntong hininga niya. Diretso ang madilim na tingin sa harap.

"Kung saan ako dapat huminto, doon tayo magsimula... ulit." *

"No. I don't want to relive the bad days," matigas kong sabi.

"Okay. Iyong mga normal na ginagawa lang natin noon. And If we can help it, we consciously forget about... you know."

"Paano kung ang laging ginagawa natin noon ay paulit ulit lang? Like... tambay sa bridge, or sa tattoo shop. Or yung mga gigs mo na pinapanood ko gabi gabi? And did you know that the bar you used to hang out before had already been shut down?"

"Then we'll relive it. Sa kahit na anong paraaan. I don't care. Hmm..." Nanliit ang mga mata niya. "Kung magpapatattoo ka ulit ngayon, pangalan ko na ba?"

Napangisi ako na hindi niya rin kinayang hindi sabayan.

Well your life and death has always dwelled in my veins, Angelov. Not just a tattoo. Even in my sanity, in my madness. Not just your name but in your every breath and heartbeat, I have lived in it. The highs and lows...

"Does this mean we're going to be eighteen and nineteen-year-olds again?" My soft voice brittled a little.

Lumawak ang ngisi niya at isang beses kinawag ang mga kilay. "Gusto mo bang sumama?"