ucberkeley: hey

me: read 10:12 am✓

tagged: karanormal

the golden trio

hey where are you guys

i lost you after the ceremony

i'm with kara in the ladies room

do i really want to know why

the shrimp at the reception made me gassy

plus i'm comforting kara

she's sobbing hysterically

like how hard

as hard as when her dealer moved to canada?

like as hard as when all the avocados at safeway were unripe

yikes

what happened

i just can't believe we're really leaving

this place has been home for so long it has so many treasured memories

i mean i lost both of my virginities here

and i'm going to miss you all so much

what am i going to do without you guys

ugh gross

this again?

mel i'm worried

she keeps trying to access her amazon prime account

you know how much she spends when she spirals

remember what she got last time?

depressed

and a llama

omg eunice

i miss her too

i'm so so sad we had to send her to go live on that farm

this might not be the right time but

mel sold eunice for cold hard cash

IAN YOU UNPEELED POTATO

you did what????????

i had to!

i needed the money to bail sajan out of jail

plus that thing ate all my pudding cups

like sorry kara but eunice was a real asshole

uh mel

she's crying like really really hard now

okay well

i'm going to go

and keep going until i'm outside a 5 mile radius

mel don't you dare

i'm too gassy to deal with this

i would

but also i really wouldn't

she hasn't moved in 14 minutes

she's just making intense eye contact with the paper towel roll

i think they might be communicating somehow

nothing has meaning and my time on this planet has been a waste

did the paper towels tell you that

okay cool kara you seem very emotionally stable and ian you seem to be in sound state of mind and bowels to defuse this situation

see y'all later

also i'm leaving in a few days to fly to boston to go to MIT and i probably won't be back for about 5 years

bye!

WHAHAHAHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN

OMG YOU GOT IN TO MIT???

YOU'RE ABANDONING US???

I'M SO HAPPY FOR YOU

YOU'RE DEAD TO ME

this is such an amazing opportunity for you!

THIS IS THE WORST THING TO HAPPEN SINCE FROSTED TIPS

kara why are you being so chill about this??

mel is leaving us

FOR 5 FUCKING YEARS

i could have a child in that time

no i could have MULTIPLE children in that time

yes congratulations you have grasped the extent of the prenatal cycle

mel i'm going to break both your elbows

okay

with a crowbar

sure

and then burn your carl sagan shrine to the ground

whoa ok let's all calm down here

it's not really that long if you think about it

5 YEARS MEL

stalin was going to reform the soviet union's entire infrastructure in 5 years!!!

i feel like you're angry with me

what tipped you off

was it the ANGER

why do you have to go so soon

i'm doing a summer program before classes start

well cancel it!

i spent like 6 weeks on my scholarship application to be able to go so

no

fine then! go!

but don't you dare enjoy yourself

listen i'm sorry

i probably should've told you guys sooner

yes you should've

i love you mel and i support your decision to go to MIT but you need to be respectful of other people's emotions in pursuit of your own goals

of course we're excited for you

but imagine how hard it is to hear we're losing a best friend who we'll barely see until she graduates in 5 years

that's a really emotionally mature thing to say

for someone who was getting advice from a paper towel holder 8 minutes ago

you're really all over the map today kara

unpredictability is hallmark of my personality

how do you think i survived the dance dance revolution disaster of 2013

no one saw me coming

right

well i guess i owe you two an apology

i wasn't really thinking about how this would affect you

is typing...

i just hate goodbyes so much

they're so messy and shitty and i thought things would be easier if i just left

i accept your apology

and i'm glad i still get to see you before you leave

ian?

personally i would still like to break mel's elbows

but i guess i accept her apology

my perfectly-shaped elbows are saved thank you

is typing...

love you guys

haha wtf siri typed that omg that's so wild

don't worry we love you too mel

okay now down to business

not only did 2/3 of us graduate from college today but we also now have approximately 72 hours together before mel leaves

you know what this calls for

no peyotea

what in fresh fuck is peyotea

peyote brewed in tea form

last time kara made it i drank some by accident and i could literally taste colors for six days

i ascended to a new plane of existence

yeah and then you ate the sleeve of your sweater because you thought it was a taco bell crunch wrap

hm

it's looking like a hard pass from me

awwww mel

i'd rather hang out with hector than drink liquid peyote

wow okay it's not THAT bad

i guess we can just go to a bar like losers

awesome

big mama needs her jingle juice

(big mama is me and jingle juice is vodka)

thank you for that helpful key

i would've been completely lost otherwise

was that...sarcasm?

i've raised you well i'm so proud

of me

for raising you

that's about what i expected

okay everyone go get ready

we roll out in 15 sluts

SAID I WOULD FINISH THIS BITCH BY JAN 1 IT'S DEC 31 4 HOURS TIL MIDNIGHT WOOOO READY TO SNORT CRYSTAL LIGHT AND ENTER WARP MODE PEDAL TO THE METAL BABYYYY