《Theory [TOM HOLLAND]》SIXTY NINE
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ucberkeley: hey
me: read 10:12 am✓
tagged: karanormal
the golden trio
hey where are you guys
i lost you after the ceremony
i'm with kara in the ladies room
do i really want to know why
the shrimp at the reception made me gassy
plus i'm comforting kara
she's sobbing hysterically
like how hard
as hard as when her dealer moved to canada?
like as hard as when all the avocados at safeway were unripe
yikes
what happened
i just can't believe we're really leaving
this place has been home for so long it has so many treasured memories
i mean i lost both of my virginities here
and i'm going to miss you all so much
what am i going to do without you guys
ugh gross
this again?
mel i'm worried
she keeps trying to access her amazon prime account
you know how much she spends when she spirals
remember what she got last time?
depressed
and a llama
omg eunice
i miss her too
i'm so so sad we had to send her to go live on that farm
this might not be the right time but
mel sold eunice for cold hard cash
IAN YOU UNPEELED POTATO
you did what????????
i had to!
i needed the money to bail sajan out of jail
plus that thing ate all my pudding cups
like sorry kara but eunice was a real asshole
uh mel
she's crying like really really hard now
okay well
i'm going to go
and keep going until i'm outside a 5 mile radius
mel don't you dare
i'm too gassy to deal with this
i would
but also i really wouldn't
she hasn't moved in 14 minutes
she's just making intense eye contact with the paper towel roll
i think they might be communicating somehow
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nothing has meaning and my time on this planet has been a waste
did the paper towels tell you that
okay cool kara you seem very emotionally stable and ian you seem to be in sound state of mind and bowels to defuse this situation
see y'all later
also i'm leaving in a few days to fly to boston to go to MIT and i probably won't be back for about 5 years
bye!
WHAHAHAHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN
OMG YOU GOT IN TO MIT???
YOU'RE ABANDONING US???
I'M SO HAPPY FOR YOU
YOU'RE DEAD TO ME
this is such an amazing opportunity for you!
THIS IS THE WORST THING TO HAPPEN SINCE FROSTED TIPS
kara why are you being so chill about this??
mel is leaving us
FOR 5 FUCKING YEARS
i could have a child in that time
no i could have MULTIPLE children in that time
yes congratulations you have grasped the extent of the prenatal cycle
mel i'm going to break both your elbows
okay
with a crowbar
sure
and then burn your carl sagan shrine to the ground
whoa ok let's all calm down here
it's not really that long if you think about it
5 YEARS MEL
stalin was going to reform the soviet union's entire infrastructure in 5 years!!!
i feel like you're angry with me
what tipped you off
was it the ANGER
why do you have to go so soon
i'm doing a summer program before classes start
well cancel it!
i spent like 6 weeks on my scholarship application to be able to go so
no
fine then! go!
but don't you dare enjoy yourself
listen i'm sorry
i probably should've told you guys sooner
yes you should've
i love you mel and i support your decision to go to MIT but you need to be respectful of other people's emotions in pursuit of your own goals
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of course we're excited for you
but imagine how hard it is to hear we're losing a best friend who we'll barely see until she graduates in 5 years
that's a really emotionally mature thing to say
for someone who was getting advice from a paper towel holder 8 minutes ago
you're really all over the map today kara
unpredictability is hallmark of my personality
how do you think i survived the dance dance revolution disaster of 2013
no one saw me coming
right
well i guess i owe you two an apology
i wasn't really thinking about how this would affect you
is typing...
i just hate goodbyes so much
they're so messy and shitty and i thought things would be easier if i just left
i accept your apology
and i'm glad i still get to see you before you leave
ian?
personally i would still like to break mel's elbows
but i guess i accept her apology
my perfectly-shaped elbows are saved thank you
is typing...
love you guys
haha wtf siri typed that omg that's so wild
don't worry we love you too mel
okay now down to business
not only did 2/3 of us graduate from college today but we also now have approximately 72 hours together before mel leaves
you know what this calls for
no peyotea
what in fresh fuck is peyotea
peyote brewed in tea form
last time kara made it i drank some by accident and i could literally taste colors for six days
i ascended to a new plane of existence
yeah and then you ate the sleeve of your sweater because you thought it was a taco bell crunch wrap
hm
it's looking like a hard pass from me
awwww mel
i'd rather hang out with hector than drink liquid peyote
wow okay it's not THAT bad
i guess we can just go to a bar like losers
awesome
big mama needs her jingle juice
(big mama is me and jingle juice is vodka)
thank you for that helpful key
i would've been completely lost otherwise
was that...sarcasm?
i've raised you well i'm so proud
of me
for raising you
that's about what i expected
okay everyone go get ready
we roll out in 15 sluts
SAID I WOULD FINISH THIS BITCH BY JAN 1 IT'S DEC 31 4 HOURS TIL MIDNIGHT WOOOO READY TO SNORT CRYSTAL LIGHT AND ENTER WARP MODE PEDAL TO THE METAL BABYYYY
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