bride or dies

MEL KILLED MY FISH

IT WASN'T MY FAULT

YOU KNEW BUBBLES WAS ALLERGIC TO GLUTEN

NO I DIDN'T

HE'S A GOLDFISH

WHAT KIND OF FISH IS GLUTEN INTOLERANT

YOU WOULD KNOW IF YOU HAD ACTUALLY READ THE BOOK OF INSTRUCTIONS I LEFT YOU

LIZZIE IT WAS 608 PAGES WITH PICTURES AND A GLOSSARY

WELL SUE ME FOR BEING THOROUGH

IT HAD A SECTION ABOUT BUBBLES'S LIFE

HE'S BEEN ALIVE FOR 1.67 WEEKS

YOU KNOW WHAT ALL YOU HAD TO DO WAS WATCH HIM FOR 2 HOURS WHILE I HELPED JUNE GET DRESSED

WHO BRINGS A FREAKING FISH TO A WEDDING

I HAD A PLUS ONE

that's just sad lizzie

i know

but ricardo cancelled on me in an email

i don't get men

i know you haven't had a date in months

WHO FEEDS A FISH GLUTEN

I JUST WANTED TO SHARE MY CROISSANDWICH

did you just say croissandwich

as in

a delicious savory treat constructed out of a flaky pastry layered with meat and cheese

i immediately sense danger

lizzie help

over bubbles's dead body

that's funny because i brought a croissandwich with me this morning

and it mysteriously disappeared

don't look at me i was color coding the buffet table all morning

that's not an alibi that's an aliblie

you already did that two weeks ago because you're obsessively organized

someone put the tater tots by the mini pies i need to go

i'm going to smack you with bubbles's dead corpse

NO

bass whooping

get it

instead of ass whooping hahahaha

TOO SOON

where did uncle earl say he kept his civil war era rifle again

hhhhHhh

june help!

uh guys

has anyone seen SEBASTIAN

my FUTURE HUSBAND

okay don't panic

it's fine

it's FINE i said

it's not like he's DEAD

no one was thinking that

i'm thinking that now!

yeah it's not like his corpse is laying under the buffet table

did you kill seb

no just providing options

right

i trust you

but just in case i'm going to go check by the buffet table

i'll check the bathrooms

i'll go ask the guys

i'm flipping a FLAP

don't worry it'll be fine

i'm sure we'll find him june

well he's not by the buffet

it's no go on the bathrooms

none of the guys have seen him since the bachelor party sorry

oh my god

what if he changed his mind

have you seen how that man looks at you

if he changed his mind love is well and truly dead

what happened at the bachelor party

uh idk

probably just strippers

no white tigers or flaming baton twirlers

baton twirlers???

did you even hear me say strippers

MEL

tom and i may or may not have planned the coolest bachelor party ever with all the stuff you banned from the wedding

oh my god

my fiancé has been eaten by an albino tiger

how am i going to explain this to aunt evelyn you know she has a weak heart

aunt evelyn is a raging racist if she dies it will be no loss to this world

mel!

what

listen don't worry i'll find seb

i'm like a sneeze when i get going

i can't be contained

gross

someone should go with mel to make sure she doesn't pillage and torture her way there

again

don't look at me

she's a fish assassin

i'm a kriller

MEL

HAVE SOME RESPECT FOR THE DEAD

IT'S A FISH LIZZIE

WAS HIS LIFE ANY LESS MEANINGFUL THAN YOURS??

THAN MINE?

UH YEAH

NOT TO TOOT MY OWN HORN BUT I THINK I'M WORTH MORE THAN A GOLDFISH

YOU TAKE THAT BACK

uh i hate to interrupt but i think i found seb

you did??

oh thank god

where was he?

under the buffet table

oh i definitely did not check throughly

DEAD?????

no but he will be soon

he was stress eating

my CROISSANDWICH

i don't want to talk about this chapter. i know it's awful. it's gibberish and it's all about a dead fish with a gluten allergy. but i just needed to update this because it's been SO LONG