private messages

hey babe

hi tom

what

how did you know it was me

mel would never call me babe

she'd sooner hug you

well sorry i don't know what's allowed in the cold hearted republic of mel santiago

also i'll have you know that mel hugged me once

well she patted me on the back

well she killed a mosquito on my shoulder

but still

sure buddy

just never call her babe if you don't want to end up like that mosquito

the only babe mel knows is the 1995 cinematic classic

never seen it

it's a quintessential american coming of age story

it's about a pig raised for slaughter

naturally

i mean arjun once called her babe and she didn't talk to him for a week

but didn't they only date two weeks

yeah exactly

i feel like i'm supposed to be shocked but i'm really not

is typing...

wait how did you know it was me though

because you're the only person who uses pet names

i've never called you tessa

i meant terms of affection you absolute spork

status update: feelings and ego have both been damaged

plus mel told me you were hanging out today

she did?

she voluntarily admitted to spending time with me?

yup

quick is it inappropriate to weep tears of joy in an olive garden

you took her to olive garden??

i sense i've made a mistake

i regret this immediately

you make millions and you took her to OLIVE GARDEN??

what she likes breadsticks

and she's banned from like every other restaurant in our area

olive garden is just a lawless wasteland so she can't do anymore damage

mel hates breadsticks

what?

yeah she calls them dildoughs

why would she tell me she loves breadsticks then

idk

i guess maybe because i was talking about how much i love breadsticks

oh my god

she lied to make you happy

mel's never manipulated someone for purposes that weren't malicious

holy shit

i'm lost

oh ho ho

what's happening

stop it

i said stop it you wench

i won't stop until you're married

is typing...

oh FUCK

what

is everything okay

fourteen fucks and a half

mel is going to kill me

i mean really genuinely rip out my eyeballs and tango on top of them

why??

oh just some stuff

no big deal

pass her over would you

uh sure

good luck i guess

what's cracking

hey mel

remember how we've been best friends for eleven years

yes

and how we have an impenetrable bond

yes

and nothing i could say or do would ever change how much we love and cherish each other

yes

okay

seb and i have been engaged for a week

you're dead to me

mel

message could not be sent!

mel

message could not be sent!

did you block my number

message could not be sent!

at least i have my eyeballs

message could not be sent!

we all saw this coming but jeb is more important to me than my own family so i had to sorry