twitter messages

AHaHaHAhHAHA

THIS IS THE BEST THING THAT'S EVER HAPPENED TO ME

I KNEW YOU LIKED MY BUTT

your butt is gross shut up

THAT WAS SUCH AN UNCONVINCING TEXT

YOU DIDN'T EVEN THREATEN TO RIP ME FROM LIMB TO LIMB

YOU LOOOOVE ME

you have a cute butt

*CUBE BUTT

this is the best day of my life

NO THAT WAS AUTOCORRECT I MEANT YOUR BUTT IS A SQUARE

LEGO LOOKING ASS

isn't that the guy from lord of the rings

LEAVE ME ALONE

CUBE BUTT

*beautiful and flawlessly shaped butt

-mel santiago, on tom holland's assets (2017)

haha ASSets

i hate you with every inch of my being

that's not a lot of inches

neither is your dick

mel you have to stop being so sweet or i'm going to fall in love with you

if you weren't 375 miles away i would string up your entrails on a flag pole

wait did you look up exactly how many miles there are between berkeley and los angeles

no

HA YOU DID

YOU'RE GOING TO MISS ME

no it was to see how far i would be from june

never speak to me again

this is a whole new level to our relationship

i'm thinking we open a joint bank account together

or get his and hers bathrobes

maybe spoon feed each other pudding

send me one more text about our future together and i'll block you

how do you feel about matching infinity symbol tattoos

you can no longer send messages to !

─

incoming call from tom!

or

"did you block me on twitter?"

"i did warn you."

"well, you still answered my call, so in the eyes of the law we are married."

"do you want me to replace all your vital fluids with ranch dressing?"

"do you want to go to an awards show with me tomorrow night?"

"uh, where did that come from?"

"i'm allowed to bring a guest and harrison has strep throat."

"harrison is fine. i saw him on set today."

"no, he's not—look, i'll put him on—here—"

"..."

"hey, mel, it's haz. i have the flu—ow!—strep throat, so you should go to the awards show with tom."

"hear that, mel?"

"you're getting an award? what is it? worst harmonica player?"

"hey! you did listen to the recording i sent you!"

"yeah, i sent it in to the cia so they can use it to torture suspects during interrogation."

"well, i'm hurt."

"...is that a yes to the awards show though?"

"do i have to dress up?"

"you have to wear something other than your carl sagan pajamas, yes."

"what kind of event is this? sounds like some real bullshit."

"they're going to have a chocolate fountain."

"..."

"see you there."

"awesome! i'll pick you up at eight."

"i didn't know you were legally allowed to drive."

"i'm an adult! this is so unfair! i-"

call ended 4:55 pm

sing it with me kids: 🎶who lives in london and has zero chill—THOMAS STANLEY HOLLAND🎶 (to the tune of spongebob squarepants)