private messages

hey june

can i ask you a question

here it comes

i knew this day would arrive

you want to know how babies are made don't you

i am an ADULT

sure sweetie

well when a man and a woman love each other very much...

STOP

i don't deserve this i am a full grown man

you still watch dora the explorer

it's educational

i watched you eat baby food out of a jar on set

for protein

you use johnson and johnson's baby shampoo

yeah no more tears june

now if you'll excuse me i have to exercise my LEGAL RIGHT to drink until i forget this conversation

aw did i hurt your feelings tommy

i mean a little bit

but i only shed like twelve tears in my trailer and wrote one page in my journal about it

sorry sweetie pie

what did you want to ask me

is typing...

how did you know you liked seb

what do you mean

i mean when did you realize that you wanted to be with him

i think it was when we were sitting on lizzie's roof together and there was a shooting star

and i remember i wished for that one moment in time to never end

right then that was all i wanted, more than anything else in the world i could've wished for

you seem sappier than usual

just been thinking about a lot of things

like seb?

like whether avril lavigne was replaced by a clone in 2001

is typing...

and also seb a little bit i guess

what's with the questions anyway

is this about mel

haha what

no

idk

maybe a little bit

MY SON IS IN LOVE

stop

fret not you may have mel's hand in marriage

although there is a dowry

14 cows delivered to my doorstep by tuesday

who made you this way

god bitch

sorry i called you bitch i got excited

back to your love life

it's nothing

it's not nothing

no that's the problem it really is nothing

mel hates me

she doesn't hate you

she called me a devious clump of overpriced fabric and hair gel

i know mel can be prickly

if by prickly you mean murderous yes

listen tom as much as she acts like she hates the world and everything in it she doesn't actually

you've seen how she feels about physics

the truth is mel feels that way about a lot of things

yeah but i'm not one of those things

why do you say that

we never talk about real stuff you know

it's mostly just me using bad science pickup lines and mel coming up with creative ways to hurt me

we've been talking for months and i still feel like mel is a stranger sometimes

M O N T H S

sorry this is a really exciting time in my life

back to our regularly scheduled suffering and uncertainty

i just don't know what to do with myself

mel's made it clear there's no space for me in her life

mel doesn't mean to be that way you know

she's just so focused on her future she forgets the world is actually still spinning around her in the present

her life is all organized and black and white and i don't think we were ever part of her plan

why is mel that way about academics anyways

i think she's just always felt she had something to prove

she's the first in her family to graduate high school and her parents didn't even want her to go to college

they wanted her to go back to brazil with them and settle down or something

i think that's where she'd be right now if she hadn't gotten a full ride scholarship to berkley

mel's destined for so much more than just being someone's wife

i know

is typing...

did mel ever tell you how we met

no

don't tell her i told you this because she'll flay me alive

i met mel for the first time working as a receptionist in a therapist's office

mel was voluntarily in therapy?

the school counselor forced mel to go to a session because she was working herself to death and she didn't even care

we started talking and we just never really stopped

see mel is insanely smart but she's the kind of smart that comes from years of hard work not the kind you're born with

she wrecked herself in high school trying to be president of everything and be in every club and team and get perfect grades

so when she acts like she doesn't care she's really just trying to cover up the fact that she cares too much about everything

i never knew any of that stuff

mel's not a big sharer

she'll tell you she's fine until she's halfway in a grave

wow

i always thought she was incredible

now i know she's incredible

she's a good kid

she's so smart june and she makes me laugh so hard and i know she's kind no matter how hard she tried to hide it

all this makes her just that more unattainable

how is someone like that ever going to want to be with someone like me

oh my god

you're so in love with her it's not even funny

am not

right and the moon landing was real

why else would you ask me all these questions

fine

i have a big pathetic crush on a girl way too good for me i've only spent six days with

june please don't tell her

don't worry your secret's safe with me kiddo

but i can't promise i won't do everything in my power to make you two fall in love and live happily ever after

i think i could live with that

thanks for telling me that stuff june

i like mel but i feel like i only know pieces of her

i want her for everything she is

forget the 14 cows you can marry her right this instant

well i'll bring you a nice chicken at least

i'm not stingy

you're a good egg tom

mel will see that too eventually i'm sure of it

well i'll be here waiting for her if she does

honestly who even are you

no man would ever

seb would

speaking of i actually have to go

i have a date :)

YOU'RE ON ANOTHER DATE

I CAN'T BELIEVE IT WORKED

AND I DIDN'T EVEN NEED MY CARABINERS

wait what worked

uh nothing

tom

the locusts are back! my crops! i must go!

hang on

MY CROPS

GOODBYE

i always like to sprinkle in a tiny bit of angst around chapter 30. nothing like some forced backstory and painfully placed character development (i'm trying guys)