private messages

i am so sorry about yesterday

it's okay i found another hotel to stay in

i do have a lifetime ban from all marriott hotels though

my distant associates are a nightmare

no it's fine i had fun hanging out with your friends

distant associates

and sorry about your curtains

sajan is really embarrassed

it's okay i can pay for new ones

aw

you're like his sugar daddy

wow mel do you do stand up

you're hilarious

thank you it's my third best quality behind awesomeness and humility

you have a very high opinion of yourself for someone who drank marinara sauce out of the jar for dinner

i told you that in confidence you shard of dried coconut

too bad

sauce swallower

they should call blowjobs sauce swallowers

i already call them duck n sucks

you should call it a look it and book it

because that's what girls do to you

oh btw i found a bulgarian wheat ball in my shoe this morning?

yeah nina really needs to stop baking

how is everyone in the light of day

considering electroshock therapy hopefully

we're a flaming hot mess sorry

literally flaming when you count sajan

also sajan said something really weird to me yesterday

sajan is a heathen don't listen to anything he says

never put cocaine in your microwave

what

what

anyways

it was something about you and his brother arjun actually

oh yeah i dated him

yeah can i get uhhhhhh what the fuck

[deleted]

huh

for two weeks

and then i broke up with him in an email and stole his succulent

he wasn't my type

really

so what's your type

not you

i really hate you

but what qualities does a man have to have to meet your standards

willing to have their soul leached from their body by you?

oh wow i didn't realize we had a comedian here tonight

my ideal man has carl sagan's brain and carl sagan's body and carl sagan's laugh

oh wait it's carl sagan

how could i ever compete

what's your ideal girl

willing to accept that she has to come second in your heart to your hair?

hmm my ideal woman has the ankles of serena williams the brain of the queen of england and the hunchback of the hunchback of notre dame

she sounds like fiancé material

let me know when you find her and i'll officiate your wedding

i think i've already found my ideal girl

[deleted]

isn't that illegal

no i can legally wed two people in the state of california

i have a certificate and everything

okay why

it's a long story

your life seems to be a series of long stories

my life is mostly just studying and putting out sajan's fires but i guess

speaking of which

are you ready for stage 2 of return of the jebi in 3 days

that had absolutely nothing to do with what we were talking about

i know i'm just excited

me too

where do you want to meet

let's meet at the grove at 5 pm

you got it

bring running shoes

we'll need to make a quick escape

i'll bring the night vision goggles too

you'll bring what

nothing

i didn't buy night vision goggles

this is going to be a failure

all you need is faith mel

all you need is a therapist who likes a challenge

i'll accept that

see you in 2 days

jeb till death

jeb til death

are you sick of me making jokes about sajan burning stuff yet