private messages

i have a problem

you'll have to be more specific

you have a lot of problems

it concerns my health

once again the mole on your back is perfectly normal

that little bastard is skin cancer i know it

but that's not my problem

fine don't make me regret asking

what's your problem?

i thought you said this concerned your health

IT DOES CONCERN MY HEALTH LOOK AT HIM

I WANT TO PUT MY FACE ON HIS FACE

idk seems like a personal problem

MEL

what

i can't feel bad for you when there's nothing stopping you from putting your face on his face

my head knows we broke up for solid and logical reasons

unfortunately my body hasn't gotten the message

so hop back on that horse and ride it off into the sunset

but there's about a million things stopping me

haven't we had this conversation

didn't you agree that overcoming those million little things was worth it to be with seb

why do you always have to be so wise

you're like master shifu

master shifu is one foot tall and some species of rodent

again you're just like him

how dare you

you dirty old flip flop

you can deal with your sexual frustration and pining alone

wait no i'm sorry

i love you

come back to me

fine what do you want

i have no idea

you usually don't accept my apologies so quickly without bribery

you make me sound so heartless

probably because i implied you were heartless

um i'm nice i don't even know what you're talking about

remember that viola player from my symphony i introduced you to that you knocked unconscious

he fainted from fear actually

or that target employee that cried when you were buying cheese crackers

all i did was threaten him with a little bit of limb ripping for not giving me 20% off

remember when you volunteered to be a crossing guard at school so you could lure megan w. into traffic

doesn't count i was seven

that's so much worse

listen you're not exactly on the right track to winning back my affections here

okay i'm sorry

tell me what to do about seb

how about you date him again

mel i can't

it didn't work out last time and it won't work out again

why not

we live hundreds of miles away from each other

i can't handle the rumors and drama that came with having an actor for a boyfriend again

our careers are headed in total opposite directions and there's no space for him in my life now

sometimes you find space in places you didn't think were possible

it's just that things are so crazy

i thought they would die down but my life's still a mess

you're right your life is crazy

what you need is calm

and seb gives you that

i hate it when you say stuff like that

why

because you're right

god mel i'm not over him

[deleted]

well maybe there's a reason for that

maybe

i'm worried about seeing him in la in two months

what

oh right i have news

they thought i did a good job with civil war and since the season with the sf symphony just ended they're having me come back to compose the score for infinity war

HOW COULD YOU NOT TELL ME THIS

YOU DID THIS LAST TIME TOO YOU LITERAL CHUNK OF UNCOOKED TOFU

I'M YOUR BEST FRIEND

i'm obligated by contract not to tell anyone!

i've set fire to our friendship contract and i never want to hear from you again

mel don't be like that

don't be like what

wronged???

listen i know you feel betrayed

yes it's one of the unpleasant side effects of betrayal

i'm sorry

i'll knit you something to make up for it

no amount of sweater vests will heal our friendship

nothing can repair the damage you've done

i'll give you $5

and we're back

what's up best friend

bribery?? really?? that's all it takes??

i'm a student

that $5 will feed me and keep me warm for a week if i play my cards right

speaking of school how much time do you get off for winter break

4 weeks why

i was thinking maybe you could come down to la

i'm already going down for decathlon

yeah but i meant like stay here for the rest of break and hang out with me and the cast

what's your ulterior motive

i don't know what you're talking i love you and never get to see you because you spend so much time doing school stuff

plus it would help make things less awkward between me and seb

and the whole cast really wants to see you

and i want you to meet tom

there it is

i know you want to put it in him

i what now

that's not

that's not even anatomically correct

whatever i know you want to meet him too you guys have been texting for like 3 months

by texting you mean tom sends me messages about what a beautiful day it is and the cute bird he saw and how rebecca deserves to find love on bachelor in paradise and i ignore him

idk sounds like love to me

sometimes i think god sent him to earth to punish me

he talks about his dog all the time june

and he scrapbooks

who does that

a wonderful storable man

i meant adorable

but also he's storable

in your pants

sorry ian got his arm stuck in a bear trap i have to go

a likely story

sorry sajan set kara on fire by accident i have to go

nice try

no i'm not kidding she's actually on fire

i have to go put her out again

wait what

hope y'all enjoyed this update of jeb the sequel