▷

who is this

it's tom!!

i don't know anyone named tom?

oh shoot is this not mel

i just searched snapchat usernames

who's mel

my friend from uc berkeley

well that's definitely not me

i'm a forty seven year old male from texas

i collect ceramic figurines

and i have a fish named linguini but he bites

okay so maybe not the mel i was looking for

it's so weird that you have the same name as my friend though

i thought mel was typically a girl's name?

mel is my nickname

it's short for melt because that's what i did to the last rattlesnake who tried to munch on my bootstrap

my real name is columcille

that's...unique

was your mother addicted to crack when she named you?

not sent!

what's the origin of that

it's biblical

wow

are you fucking with me

not sent!

that's great columcille

oh no you can't say my full name

you'll summon the evil spirits that cursed me at birth

this isn't a verbal conversation?

but even typing the name could the make demons come and eat me like a squash on a sunday

but didn't you type it before?

well i'm allowed to

i have a protection crystal

excuse me?

would you like to buy one? i sell healing orbs on craigslist too

what, with no intended disrespect, the fuck

who are you

▷

DAMMNIT MEL

I TALKED ABOUT FUCKING CRYSTALS

idk it seemed like you were getting along really well with columcille

i knew it was you😤😤

did you

did you really

no one else would be weird enough to use the phrase eaten like a squash on a sunday and talk about demons

i take that as a compliment

i must've said it wrong then

▷

took a screenshot!

you absolute carpet stain

you send it i save it

i'm going to buy such a nice car with the money i make off blackmailing you with this

it's a good thing i have no sense of dignity or else that would work

you're right

maybe i'll just release it to my 4 million instagram followers and see how you're feeling then

▷

▷

you look like you have the plague

it's for infinity war

sure

just don't get me sick

i don't catch two things: diseases and feelings

that doesn't surprise me

i feel like your white blood cells would just scare germs into submission

speaking of things that are scared of me is chadwick there

no but these studs are

▷

i love my boy burt macklin

personally i'm a fan of janet snakehole

oh no we watch the same shows

this is starting to nudge us dangerously close towards friendship

i don't know what you mean "starting to"

i already have ideas for our joint tombstone

i will not hesitate to choke the life out of you

can you even reach my neck

you moldy cottage cheese cup

😍😍

hey i got to get back to set but i'll text you later

feel free not to

aw i'll miss you too

bye

this chapter really got away from me it's absolute nonsense. i tried doing a snapchat chat chapter and i'm pretty sure it flopped hard but oh well. format inspired by (stolen from) my girl