the golden trio

i've gathered you here today to talk about a deeply troubling issue

is this about who's been stealing your keens

because your keens are the ugliest shoes i've ever seen they deserve to burn

i will find who is stealing my keens and i will pay mel $5 to destroy them

cool i'm like a prostitute but i get to hurt people

but that's not the issue

so what's wrong then

we're here today to talk about mel's love life

what are you talking about mel has no love life

the only thing she feels affection for is pudding

well it's the nectar of the gods

mel when's the last time you went on a date

idk

a couple months ago the cashier at target and i made really long eye contact while i was buying a toothbrush

does that count

mel's love life is like her major

theoretical

theoretically i could also tear your ears off your head and make them into gnocchi

theoretically i might've peed my pants in fear

but mel there are plenty of guys who like you

she's right i don't understand it but there are

it's like a weird kink where having their physical and mental wellbeing threatened turns them on

well then they're all idiots

besides i'm too busy to have a boyfriend

school matters way more to me than any man ever will

do you hear how lonely you sound

i understand that i'm desperately single

i know i'm going to die alone in a light up christmas sweater surrounded by a menagerie of parrots

but i'm not going to start dating just because you guys want me to

it's not that i want you to start dating

it's that i want you to start dating tom holland

mel oh my god did you even see homecoming he's so cute

you have to hop on that immediately

i didn't see homecoming and i'm never going to

coincidentally tom is another thing i'll never do

i don't even know him why are you guys descending upon me like harpies all of a sudden

because we peeped you two getting frisky in the comments section

you're terrible at flirting mel it always sounds like you're threatening him with death and injury

it's because i'm not flirting with him i'm threatening him with death and injury

but he's so sweet and nice

he really wants to be your friend

or he wants to do the bump bump in the rump with me

he's a guy after all

would it kill you to say sex mel

would it

no i know because he dmed me saying he wanted to be your friend

wow he's really doing the most

have you ever seen a boy so thirsty

thirsty for LOVE

he's really cute mel

then you take him kara

i'm so gay

then you take him ian

i'm 72% straight

what's the other 28%

dev from the next dorm over

yes perfect let's talk about ian's love life instead

nice try

mel a star wants to talk to you

a porn star?

mellll

just don't shut him down immediately at least

it's a no from me

i have 6 reasons you should change your mind

look at him mel

update: i am 65% straight

not doing it for me

he's a god what more do you need

idk someone who will watch cosmos with me and buy me pudding

did we mention he's rich

like pays for guac at chipotle rich

he could buy you a lifetime of pudding and fund all your research projects

suddenly i'm listening

shoutout to because i steal all my memes from her