private messages

good morning mel!

no

what?

it's 7 am

text me at a godly hour

bye

─

hi again mel!

how've you been

well my existence is a continuum so i've been what i am at each point in the implied time period

haha yeah for sure

no doubt no doubt

i know a lot of things too

like what

like neutron stars can spin 600 times per second, which is roughly more than most rotisserie chickens can

wow

you put the tom in lobotomy

someone's grouchy

someone's about to be drinking all their meals through a straw for the next 6 months

i was up late last night studying for my test this morning i'm allowed to be a little cranky

what are you studying right now?

the einstein-rosen bridge

oh cool!

where is that

oh tom no

it's another term for schwarzchild wormholes

what are those?

areas of space that are connected and modeled by vacuum solutions to the einstein field equations

are you speaking english

they're also considered theoretical passages through space-time

like in the avengers!

what

when they open the portal using the tesseract so the chitauri can invade new york

are you speaking english

besides it's only hypothetical there's about a billion issues with size and expansion and stability

they're pretty cool though i like astrophysics

i just googled wormhole but a porn site came up and i had to delete my entire computer

how do i tell you you're an absolute idiot without sounding mean

that's never stopped you before

shut up you moldy cilantro leaf

aw cute i love pet names

pet names repulse me to my core

but sweetheart

what do you want sugary cardio vascular pump

nothing much love muffin

that's fascinating to hear affection baked good

how's your day been baby girl

my day has mostly consisted of studying so far infant woman

this is getting out of hand

how about i just call you mel

or mellie

you just lost the right to call me mel by suggesting that nickname

you may address me by my last name or my liege

but mel

what did i just say

sorry my liege

what's mel short for anyways

tomathan changed to !

hint: it's not short for melanie

tom changed to !

try again buddy

tom changed to !

omg tom how did you guess it so fast

my god given name IS melanoma

my parents named me melanoma because i, like skin cancer, remain undetected and will kill you slowly

can't we save the threats upon my life until after lunch at least

i reserve the right to threaten you with death until at least 4 pm

then i only threaten you with severe injury

let's be real mel you wouldn't hurt a fly

you're right because a fly is an innocent creature that never knowingly did anything to anybody

you however i would maim

you're scary when you're like this mel

i'm always like this

exactly

can you feel this fic slowly becoming a train wreck because i can. i just ended this chapter right here because i gave up and i feel like that says a lot about what direction it's going in