《Lustrous》Chapter 41: He Who Grounds Her
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The car ride was silent. Anthony didn't even try to push me into conversation, and I was grateful for it. Scenarios began running in my head. Did he fall off a ladder? Did a car hit him? Bashed within a inch of his life because of gambling debuts? The more I thought about it the more my stomach flipped. My heart raced and a wave of dizziness took over. I was scared. What if he died? What was the last thing I said to my father? I couldn't even recall but I doubt it was something nice and sentimental.
The car came to a stop as we entered the hospital car park and Anthony turned off the ignition. I didn't make a move. A part of me wanted to just stay in here, not go any further. What if he looks different? What if he...
There were too many thoughts running through my mind that somehow, all of the voices stopped. I smiled. They're not talking. Nothing but silence. It's pure bliss.
"Sky," Anthony held my hand. He had gotten out of the car and opened my door, leaning down to my level as he took my hand.
"I don't want to go in." I told him, my voice a little shaky.
"That's okay," His voice was light and I genuinely believed his words. "We can stay here, we can go inside. We can do what ever you want. It's up to you."
I turned my head to face the building. It was different from the last time I was here. More modern after their construction work was finished and an extra wing was added to the back of the building. I took a shaky breath. Would I regret not going in? I didn't even know how bad it was. It could be just a scratch. He could be fine. I nodded firmly forcing myself to believe it. "Okay, Let's go."
Anthony gave me a supportive smile and took my hand, letting me squeeze it until it turned numb. I don't know when he became my lifeline. But somewhere, somehow, he had become my anchor, the one holding me to the ground when my wanted me to float away. And right now, I wouldn't ever let go.
When we arrived at the room, I saw my sister Jasmine sitting on a chair in the small waiting room asleep, her neck bent at an uncomfortable angle and her mouth drooling slightly. She was dressed in her school uniform and by the looks of things; she had been trying to study when she fell asleep.
Charlene exited the door as we took a step closer. The look on her face was that of annoyance, with a hint of concern. But nothing more. "Sky," she approached me and quickly gave me a hug. I let go of Anthony for the first time since the car and embraced her.
"What's wrong, what happened?" I asked quickly, feeling that sickness return in my stomach.
"Jasmine got home from school and found him in his car with the ignition on and a pipe running the exhaust back into the car."
My mouth fell open. "Doctors said he had attempted an overdoes as well but he hadn't taken enough for it to be lethal."
"Jasmine found him?" I felt sick. I glanced over at my little sister asleep on the chair. I was already scared, watching my mother die. But I was young, I didn't know.
Charlene nodded her head, her eyes glistening with anger. And now I understood. Charlene wasn't angry at my father for the act of attempting suicide, but merely because he did it at home where their seventeen year old daughter had found him. "I was at work trying to earn enough money to keep the bank from foreclosing on the house because of his mistakes," she pointed back to the room, her tone rising. She was fuming. "And then I get a call from my baby girl crying, trying to tell me what happened." She shook her head. "The doctors had to give her a sedative she was a mess. I'm going to take her home now."
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"I'll help you take her to the car." Anthony offered straight away, knowing full well Charlene would struggle on her own.
"Thank you." She smiled at him.
As Charlene walked over to Jasmine and started packing up her things, I turned to Anthony. "You can wait outside for a while. I won't be long." He promised me.
"No it's okay. I'll go in when I'm ready."
He nodded his head and gave my hand one last reassuring before he left to carry Jasmine.
I took a deep breath and walked into the room. My father wasn't conscious. He had a thick tube running into his mouth, a monitor to measure his heart rate, and a needle in his right arm pumping fluids into his body.
I listened to the sound of his heart rate. The steady beep, the only things that seemed to register in my mind.
I didn't even hear as Anthony came back into the room. "Sky." He spoke quietly and I jumped a little startled. "Why we go eat something."
I shook my head no.
"You haven't eaten in a while, and he's asleep Sky. The doctors said he won't be awake until tomorrow at best." He tried to rationalized with me.
"No I want to stay." I said a little firmer than I meant. He cringed a little at my tone. "I'm sorry." I walked towards him and cuddled into his chest. Despite my tone, he embraced me. His arms holding me tightly to his chest as he kissed the top of my head.
"It'll be okay." He assured me.
Anthony took a seat on the chair and pulled me down to sit onto of his lap. I let him and snuggled into his chest, my fore head pressed against his cheek. I closed my eyes just for a minute, but fell asleep in an instant.
The hospital blinds did little to stop the morning sunrise from creeping into the room. I blinked away the sleep and looked around the room. It was the same as last night. Flowers in a vase on the bedside table. The steady beep of the heart machine. The bag of fluids that looked recently changed, and the pipe was missing from my dad's mouth by the hospital staff. I took a deep breath and watched the heart monitor and cuddled back into Anthony's chest.
It wasn't long before Antony began to stir under me. I pushed myself up to allow him some room to move as he woke up and took in his surroundings. "Morning." He gave me small smile and rubbed his face. His voice was husky and deep, cracking a little with sleep.
"Morning." I stood up and sat on the arm of the chair.
"I need coffee." He pushed himself up from the chair. "Need anything?"
"No." I sat in the chair as Anthony left the room.
I was alone for ten minutes in the heart breaking silence when Anthony returned, his hot coffee in hand and a packet of chips from the vending machine. "Coffee's crap, chips are stale." He shook his head, losing all faith in the medical system.
I smiled and pinched a chip from the packet - defiantly stale.
"I hate hospitals."
A groan sounded and I turned to see my father start to wake up. "Do you mind?" I asked Anthony, hoping he would give us some privacy. He nodded his understanding and quickly left the room, shutting the door behind him.
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"Dad?" I moved to his side and helped him get comfortable on his pillow.
"Hey sweet heat." His voice was hoarse. I lifted a cup of water to his lips letting him take a drink to dampen his mouth. "Thank you."
"You're welcome."
I sat on the edge of the bed and waited for him to start talking.
"Charlene shouldn't have called, it was nothing."
"Nothing?" I frowned. "Dad you tried to kill yourself."
"It was just a low moment." He waved it off as if it were nothing. It hurt more than anything.
"Dad." I struggled to find the words. "What happened?"
He took a deep breath. "You know I drunk and gambled everything away Sky, there's no more to tell you."
"Dad." I said in a warning tone.
"Well, after I ran out of funds, I couldn't stop Skylar." He admitted, the shame deep within his voice. "I started to steal it for the company, taking it out of the funds. I'd be in jail by now if you didn't agree to the marriage."
"How could you?" I frowned taking a step back from him. "I could have gone to jail for that, I was in charge of the books for goodness shake!"
He shook his head. "I'm sorry." His voice was little. "I cant live with myself after what I've done to you."
"Sorry?" My heart constricted and my ears turned red. "You're sorry? You have ruined my life. Tore everything I've ever known apart and you say your sorry?!"
He went to open his mouth to say something but I quickly interrupted. "I don't know how you got so low dad. In fact, I don't think I want to know. I have to go." I turned for the door.
"Wait Skylar, please." He begged me.
I looked at him over my shoulder. "I know you are dad, I but I need time to think, to process this. I'll come by to see you tomorrow to see you, okay?" I didn't wait for an answer and left the room. Anthony jumped up off his seat as soon as he saw me. We walked down the hall, headed to the car. As we got to the car I apologized for everything.
"It's okay Sky." Antony quickly spoke, opening my door for me.
"No it's not okay," I waited for him to get into the car. "You've been great. Thank you for everything." I took his hand in mine and leaned my head against the window.
"Anytime babe." He squeeze d my hand. "I'm not going anywhere.
I smiled hoping he was telling the truth.
"I've organized a rehab centre to take him, once he recovers." Anthony spoke to me but I was beginning to feel a little drowsy.
"Thank you. It means a lot." I didn't hear what he said next. Sleep came and took me hostage.
Can you believe him? He had the nerve to put us at risk for his own selfish desires.
He felt guilty, we should treat him compassion.
Compassion. He tired to kill himself, is his two daughters not enough for him? Does he not care enough about them to watch them grow up. Sky is about to get married, what he couldn't hold on a few more weeks to walk her down the damn isle.
Maybe he held on as long as he could.
Did he even try to get help?
Maybe he couldn't. Maybe he was to consume by his guilt.
I'll show him what he can do with his guilt. Shove where the sun don't shine buddy!
I heaved a deep sigh and put my hands over my ears hoping it would stop the voices.
Compassion. I inner woman preached.
My inner self was hearing none of it, crossing her arms over her chest. La la la la la I'm not listening!
"Shut up!" I put the pillow over my head trying to burry it in the bed.
"Sky?" Anthony came into the room, hearing my scream. "Are you okay?"
I felt the bed dip as he placed a hand on my back. "Get your head out of there, you need to breathe."
"I don't want to breathe. I don't want to think. I don't want to hear anything! What I wouldn't give for silence! For everyone to just leave me the hell alone!" The words slipped out before I could stop them. I realized my mistake in an instant.
"Silence?" He frowned as I looked up at him. "Sky it's as silent as a grave in here. There's no music, no TV. You can't even hear the cars outside."
I swallowed hearing my heart beat so loudly in my ears.
He's onto us! Everyone inside my head froze as if staying still might stop them from making any noise. I rolled my eyes at them and faced back into the pillow.
"Sky." He tried to turn me over so that I wouldn't suffocate in the pillow. "Talk to me."
Tears now escaped my eyes. "You really want to know?"
He nodded his head slowly.
I wasn't sure if was out of my desire to open up to him, or just pure spite. But, after a deep breath, I told him everything. I told him about the voices in my head. The way they put images in my head, the way they take over my reality and make me zone out. The way they are slowly tearing me apart form the inside out. Once I was done, I felt an immense urge to throw up.
Anthony's expression was hard to read. But above all else, he was guarded. I could see him carefully filtering his emotions and thoughts; I could see him carefully only showing me half of what he was thinking.
"Anthony." Tears streamed down my face freely now. "Please say something."
He opened his mouth, but then stopped himself. Again and again he struggled to think of what to say. Finally, he cleared his throat. "It will be okay. We'll get through this."
For some reason, that was all I needed to hear. Those few words, despite their delay bought me relief. Relief from the voices in my head and the uncertainty deep in my stomach, it settled my anxiety and calmed me - if only for a few seconds.
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