《Colors ✔》24 | painful greys
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As soon as I open my eyes, I shut them. Am I the only one who thinks the world is sometimes so damn bright?
After a few moments, I open them again. My head hurts a little and I know I shouldn't have drunk that much. But boy, did it help.
At least, I wasn't sad then.
But I am now. It might have made me feel better for a night but it can not change the fact. The fact that he means so much to me, and maybe I do not mean as much. The fact that I am hopelessly falling for him and maybe he is not.
Or maybe, I have already fallen for him. Well, thankfully, he doesn't know it.
I freshen up and take a shower. Changing into one of my best dresses, a floral one that reached my knees, I tie my hair into a ponytail. I even wear light make-up. And, I didn't do it to impress anyone.
The day is sunny today and for once, I like it. It makes me feel happy and maybe, it has something to do with the fact that I am about to do something crazy.
I am going to ask Ace if he wants to be my boyfriend.
He had made me believe that I was strong. He had helped me find myself. He was there when no one was. And after everything he went through, he deserves someone who'd love him unconditionally. And I would give my best to give him what he deserves.
Well, Ava said I could do it and Dylan said Ace was just scared because this was new to him. Dylan even said he liked me back. That is two people, very different ones. And while one can be wrong, two can't. Right?
I couldn't help but think how he'd respond to it. And, I couldn't help but blush every time I thought about it. So, let's say, I spent my first three classes dreaming about it, occasionally listening to the lecture and again, thinking about it.
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Ava, Samantha and I were sitting next to Blake at lunch. They kept talking about how Jackson disappeared.
"I heard his dad died. So he had to return to Australia," Ava says with wide eyes. I almost choke on my own spit. What?
"Still, he disappeared. He should've said something before leaving."
I bit my lip to stop myself from saying something. Perhaps, it was better without them knowing.
Blake looked more sad than the others. If they only knew the reality.
Blake tried to lift the environment by complaining how he was the only guy in the group and pretty soon, he'd turn into a girl or at least gay. I zone out of their conversation as I eat my lunch.
My mind goes back to Ace. I turn around to look at his table nervously but, he isn't there.
"Hey.. ki- Venus."
I jump from my seat and put my hand on my raging heart. I turn around and face Ace. My friends look at us curiously.
"Yeah?"
"I have something to uh, talk about. Can I borrow you for a moment?"
"Sure."
I follow Ace outside and we walk to the school garden. However, it is overly crowded so, we decide to go to the deserted old building that holds so much history related to me. Or shall I say, related to us?
My heart feels like it is about to explode and I keep thinking about what he has to say. I feel giddy with excitement.
But, there is something off about him today. His eyes have bag under them and his hair is messed up. He looks like he is troubled and I have a bad feeling about it.
This isn't the right time to ask him to be my boyfriend, is it?
"You remember last night?" Ace asks after a decade. We stand in front of the old building and thankfully, no one is around.
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"Not much," I reply. Well, I remember the dinner, cue the blush. I also remember Kasey. I remember getting drunk. And, the part where Dylan told me why Ace was the way he was. Everything after that is a blur.
"You don't remember what you said?" he asks, hope evident in his eyes.
"What do you mean, Ace?"
He sighs and I sense disappointment but also relief. Is that even possible?
"It's okay, then. We should get back," Ace says with a blank face and I realize how much he had started showing emotions. Why is he back to not showing them?
"Wait," I squeak. He stops and looks at me.
I look at my feet nervously. My palms feel sweaty and my throat dries with anxiety. But, I speak nonetheless.
"Will you be my boyfriend?"
Cold uncomfortable silence blankets the air around us and my heart thuds in my chest painfully as I await his answer. I dare to look at him and my heart breaks into two.
He looks at me as if I said something disgusting.
"What?" He questions.
"I- uh nothing," I mumble, trying my best to not let my voice break.
"Listen, Venus," he sighs before running his hand over his face. He comes a bit nearer, leaving at least two feet between us.
I look at him, a new glimmer of hope shines within me.
"I don't date."
My already broken heart breaks further.
"But- but don't you like me?" I stutter, helplessly looking at his eyes in hope to know what was happening. This wasn't a joke, was it?
"Like?" Ace laughs coldly. "It's a mere attraction, Venus. We'll get over it."
My heart crumbles and everything hurts. A hot tear rolls down my cheek. I see his eyes following its movement but he makes no move to wipe it. And his expression doesn't give anything.
"So, so that's it?" my voice breaks and a few more tears trickle down my cheeks.
"Yep," he says blankly before giving one last look at me and walking away.
"You'll be late for your next class, kitten," he shouts when he is far. With that, my tears fall rapidly and I feel the physical pain radiating through my chest. I struggle to breathe and bite my bottom lip to conceal a sob.
If it was just a mere attraction, why does it hurt so much?
Is this what they call heartbreak?
I think about how happy I was when he said he had something to say.
I think about how happy I was when I thought about asking him to be my boyfriend.
I think about how I wore this dress and make-up for him.
And that's when something from last night flashes on my head.
"I think I love you, Ace," I had said.
The dull ache in my heart amplifies to the point where I feel a slight pain in my heart. Physical pain. Tears stream down my eyes and embarrassment washes over me.
Where did I go wrong? What did I do wrong? Why me, God, why?
Why?
That day, I felt myself lost a great thing. But I had lost something I never had. It did not even make sense.
But maybe it did make sense. After all, he was the only good thing that had ever happened to me.
Had I expected too much?
I wipe my tears.
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