Staring at the blank wall in front of me, I sat there in silence as my mind ran a mile a minute. My mind was playing tricks on me and I couldn't even pretend not to care. Montana had me fucked up.

"Josiah." I heard Dr. Ross's voice but I said nothing, quickly sliding the small phone I'd accomplished to get in here last night, into my pocket.

"Another day without talking, huh?" She asked and again I said nothing.

"I know you're upset about last week but in order for you to complete your time here in the next 6 months, we have to get through this."

"Don't you want to leave?"

Finally looking at her, my eyes pierced hers and I could tell she was slightly afraid but she pretended not to be.

"Yeah. I want to leave." I said to her.

"So where do we go from here, Josiah? Do you still love her?" She asked me and I turned my lip up.

"Fuck no. Fuck that hoe ass bitch." I spat and she raised her eyebrows.

"I don't think she would be pleased to hear that."

"I don't give a damn what she would be pleased to hear."

"So you don't love Montana anymore and you don't care about her feelings?"

Hearing her name was like hearing nails on a chalk board now. I couldn't take it.

"Don't say her fuckin' name." I shook my head.

"Hm." She looked at me before writing some things down.

I cut my eye at her, going back to looking at nothing but the white wall in front of me.

"So you no longer love her?"

"I said no." I spoke sternly.

"But a week ago you did.."

"Yeah, that's before I knew somebody else was inside of her." Just the thought of it infuriated me.

"So your feelings towards Montana changed-"

"I said don't say her fuckin' name!" I spat and she nodded, holding her hand up.

"Your feelings towards her changed because you aren't the only person she's been with."

"Yeah." I shrugged.

"Hm."

"Hm what?" I got tired of her thinking she knew everything about me and writing shit down in her skimpy ass notebook.

"I don't think you ever really loved her. I think you loved the fact that she made you feel as if you owned her. It was the ownership for you."

"Bitch, don't tell me that I didn't love my girl. I loved her and I still do. I'm just hurt!" I snapped out, turning around to look at her and a smile crept onto her face.

"So you do love her?" She smiled and I cut my eye at her, turning back around.

"Come on, tell me.."

"Do you love Montana?" She said her name again and I couldn't help but to put my pride aside.

"Yes." I mumbled.

"But you're just upset because of what she's done?"

"Yes." I spoke, sighing heavily.

"Josiah, despite her having sex with another man. You still love her?" She went onto ask, now standing in front of me and blocking my view of the wall.

"Yes. Sadly." I shrugged.

"And if she was willing to make it right with you, would you be willing?"

"No."

"I don't know."

"It depends, man."

"What does it depend on?" She asked, pulling a chair up in front of me and I just looked at her.

"How long ago? How many times? Who it was? And were we going through some shit at the time.."

"Why does that matter?"

"All of that shit matters because we had a rule. We couldn't fuck nobody else while we were fucking."

"That's the rule she came up with but she went and did that shit anyway meaning I can't trust her." I snapped.

"I did everything right, I never went against the grain. I would've never touched another girl."

"Have you been with other people before her?" She asked and I sighed.

"Yes but that's before I was ever inside of her. When we started fucking, never."

"So you feel betrayed?"

"Hell yeah. If that's how she wanted to do shit, I could've been out here fucking too. You know how many bitches in the hood want t-" I stopped, a smirk appearing on my face. I couldn't do shit but laugh.

All I could think about was getting out of here and making Montana feel me. I wouldn't hurt her physically but I would hurt her mentally. It was too many bitches out here to only worry about her.

"Okay. Let me ask you this, Josiah." Dr. Ross went on to say.

"You guys have never made it official. You were never in a committed relationship. So maybe she felt as if she should do it since you never took the leap to officially make her your girlfriend."

"What?" I turned my lip up.

"I've been wanting her to be my girl since I met her. She's the one that doesn't want to. Not me."

"So that's a bullshit ass excuse. Don't come in here making excuses for her." I shook my head.

"So she's the one who hasn't made things official?"

"Yeah because of this shit." I pointed to myself, referring to my illness.

"Hm."

"Do you think that's the reason why she might've decided to mess around with someone else?"

"Maybe." I spoke simply, licking my lips.

"So you realize that your anger can maybe push her into someone else's arms one day if you don't get it under control."

"I mean, obviously.." I trailed off.

"And you don't like this feeling do you?"

"Hell no." I turned my lip up.

"And just because I can't control my anger, don't mean I can't feel ways about shit."

"If this was me in her position, she'd cry, curse me out and then never talk to me again."

"But since I have a disorder, I'm supposed to just take it and act calm when I'm not."

"I get hurt too. I'm just more passion than others." I shrugged.

"So if Montana came back to talk more about about it, would you be willing to sit down and actually talk to her?"

"Nah.." I admitted, if I saw her, I'd want to do more than just talk then I'd be in here longer. It wasn't worth it.

"Okay." She nodded, writing things down.

"Though this only our third session, Josiah. I feel you are making process. Slowly but surely."

"I don't feel like it." I admitted.

"Are you kidding me? To realize your anger and to not want to put yourself in a situation that'll make you snap is great process and I applaud you for that."

"Well then thank you." I shrugged nonchalantly but I can't lie, it felt good to hear.

"It's okay to feel good." She nodded as a smirk crept onto my face.

"I mean, I guess.." I shook my head at her with a smile.

"I'll see you at the next session."

*

"Monty, let's go to that party at Jamie's tonight."

"No." Kace spoke up, making us all laugh.

"Shut up. I wasn't even talking to you, ugly. I was talking to Monty." She said as I ate my bag of red Doritos.

"Man, we done went to four parties in the last week and yo' ass fought at every one of them. Shit ain't even fun no more." Milly said as he rolled a blunt.

Kace chuckled at him as he took a seat beside me on the staircase.

We were all sitting outside my new apartment building and none of it felt the same as it used to.

We were missing a key person and I couldn't get my mind off of him. I just hoped that he was okay and that he would be home soon so that I could explain this whole ordeal to him. He needed to know that I'd never break our trust like that.

"What's wrong, Mon?" Teesh asked me, breaking me away from my thoughts.

"Nothing." I shrugged, finishing off my bag of chips.

Milly smacked his lips as he slanted his lips.

"Now y'all know she missing Josiah." He said his name all girly like, trying to sound like me.

"I don't even sound like that." I nudged him as everybody laughed.

"He'll be home soon, don't worry about it girl."

"Yeah, my bro doing his time up at the center but he'll be back." Milly said, making me playfully roll my eyes.

"I know y'all. I just hope he's okay and doesn't hate me too much." I explained.

A few moments later, everyone went quiet as a group of girls walked passed us. We'd known these girls from back in high school, they weren't nothing but drama. They loved it. So I said nothing as they passed by, not even acknowledging their presence.

"Look at these bitches." Teesh mumbled, rolling her eyes and Kace gave her a look.

"Shut your mouth. Now." He told her sternly, not wanting her to be in anymore drama for the day.

Which was understood.

"Hey." One of the girls, Kimberly, stopped to speak to Kace and Milly, completely disregarding Teesh and I's presence.

"What's up?" Milly smiled but Kace said nothing. He knew how Teesh was so he wouldn't disrespect her.

"Where's Josiah?" She went onto ask, making me look up.

Since when do bitches care about where Joey is? I thought.

"My boy is-" Milly started but was quickly cut off.

"He ain't here." Kace spoke up and Kimberly poked her lips out.

"Well Messiah asked for my number to give to him and I still have yet to receive a call or text. When y'all see him, tell him Kim is waiting ." She smirked, looking up at me before walking away with her friends.

Once they left, everybody turned to look at me but I said nothing. I knew Joey wouldn't do anything like that to me so I wouldn't get upset. It could simply be her just trying to break us apart which wasn't going to happen. Ever.

"Now everybody in the hood knows Josiah is your yours even though y'all kept that best friend shit going for so long." Teesha spoke up.

"Right." I scoffed, rolling my eyes.

Though I wasn't mad at Josiah, I was mad that he wasn't here to defend these accusations because lord knows he would in .2 seconds. No questions asked.

"Just call Messiah and get the real information. I highly doubt it's true." She suggested and I nodded.

"Oh, I will. Trust me."

Got me fucked up.

*

👀

excuse mistakes.