"Do you know why you're here, Josiah?" The middle-aged white woman spoke to me, sitting right across from me at this small round table.

"Yeah." I mumbled, sitting back in my chair, looking her up and down.

"Why are you here?" She challenged, clasping her hands together.

"I have IED and I hurt people when I'm angry including the people I love." I admitted, biting my lip while she nodded her head.

"Who are some of the people you may have hurt because of your illness?" She leaned in, placing her hand against her chin.

"My mama." I sighed heavily, my mind drifting off to my moms.

"My mama because she has to see to me like that and I know it hurts for her to see her youngest son have to go through it like this."

"I know she just wants the best for me and I can't even give her that piece of mind." I shrugged and she nodded, taking notes.

"Do you feel your mother loves you unconditionally?

"Of course."

"Despite your mental illness?" She went on and I paused.

"I mean.."

"I know it's not easy for her to deal with seeing me fucked up."

"How does that make you feel?"

"It makes me want to change." I shrugged, looking down.

"Okay." She nodded, jotting more things down.

"Who else do you feel you've hurt?"

"The love of my life.." My mind drifted off to Montana. Damn did I miss her.

"Montana." I spoke her name out loud for the first time in a month. My heart yearned for my woman to be back in my embrace.

"Her name's Montana?" She asked me and I nodded.

"How so?"

"I hurt her because just like my mom, she just wants the best for me and I can't even give her that."

"When I get mad, I can't control myself and it makes me do crazy shit. And she let me slide before because I promised to never do it again."

"I promised her." I shook my head, drifting off.

"How did you hurt her?" She went on to ask, bringing me back to reality.

"Long story."

"Well that's what this therapy session is for. I'm all ears." She smiled, making me cut my eye at her.

"Well she lied to me about something important and I reacted before I could think."

"Can you tell me what she lied about?"

"No." I spoke sternly and she nodded.

"Alright. Then how did you react?"

"I threatened to kill her and I called her out her name." I admitted, feeling like shit once the words left my mouth.

"Then I made her think that I was gon' shoot her. I put a gun to her head and she cried for me to stop." I closed my eyes, reminiscing.

"And I knew that I should've stopped. This me wanted to." I explained, pointing to myself.

"But the person I am when I'm not on my pills took over."

She nodded, looking down as I did the same. She was writing on her notepad and I was messing with my hands.

"Did you mean it? Did you ever feel inside of yourself that you were actually going to kill her?"

"No. Never." I shook my head, truthfully.

"I'd never hurt her physically. I just wanted to scare her."

"..but I slipped up."

"What do you mean?" She asked, putting her hand under her chin.

"I.." I trailed off before sighing.

"I slapped her with the gun."

She raised her eyebrows, looking at me as she began to write down more.

"So there's been physical abuse in the relationship?"

"Never. Just that one time."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah, I'm sure." I spat.

"Okay." She nodded.

"Why did you do it?"

"I don't know. I just wanted her to tell me why she lied to me. I just wanted answers and she was bitching the whole time. I wasn't tryna hear it."

"Alright. So before you stated that she'd let you get away with it the first time. This same instant occurred before?" She asked and I sighed, thinking back.

"Well I never hit her but putting a gun to her head, yeah. It was a year and some time ago.."

"Okay." She nodded, writing while I spoke.

"We've been best friends since fifth grade. She knew about my IED ever since I met her. She used to make me beat people up if they made her mad or they were being mean to her." I chuckled, reminiscing about the good times.

"But all those years, I never stepped out of line with her because I knew better. If I stepped out of line, she'd leave me and I couldn't risk losing her."

"So I took my pills, stayed on top of it, did everything I could do to stay sane so I wouldn't hurt her."

"Then one day, we were in my mom's basement. It was senior year and I think we'd cut school or something just to spend time together.."

"And this is when we knew we wanted more out of our friendship. Shit that used to be innocent with us was no longer innocent. I was sneaking kisses, touching on her, doing everything I could to make her mine or feel like she was."

"So you guys decided to date instead of simply being best friends after seven years?"

"Yeah. We were sort of dating all senior year. We was kissing and doing stuff that best friends wouldn't do. You know?" I explained and she nodded.

"But the day in my mom's basement made it real because I was tired of playing the cat and mouse game. I wanted more and I'd been waiting long for it."

"So you guys ended up.."

"I fucked her until I couldn't fuck no more." I spoke bluntly and she couldn't help but to chuckle. It was the truth though.

"I took her virginity and she was so scared but I knew I had to do it. I knew she was mine. She's meant for me."

"So where does the first incident come in?" She asked.

"...shortly after, a year into us taking shit to the next level, she got an attitude about something. I think she wanted me to go to a concert with her and I said no because I don't like being in large crowds. Too closed in, too close for comfort and I'm bound to snap."

"Understood." She nodded.

"And remember, I've been doing good all these years. I never stepped out of line without her. Maybe a few small disagreements but nothing major."

"Okay."

"So she got an attitude and I told her I wasn't going. She ended up saying something about another nigga. She said it to be smart and I know she didn't mean it but when she said it, it triggered me."

"What did she say?"

"That she would take the nigga she had over last night or some other girly shit that you females say when y'all are upset." I spoke bluntly, making her laugh.

"Okay. Continue."

"So yeah, it triggered me. I took it too literal and I ended up going to her house before she could even leave for the concert and I pulled my gun on her. I told her if she ever said something like that again that I'd kill her."

"And now today, do you feel like you overreacted?"

"Definitely."

"The sane me feels like I should've just told her how I felt about it and explained to her to never say it out of her mouth again."

Watching me, she nodded slowly before writing down something else.

"Okay, let's try something."

"Aight." I shrugged, ready for whatever. I had no other choice anyway.

"Brace yourself, okay?"

"Aight."

"I think Montana might be seeing another guy behind your back."

"What, bitch?" I spat, furrowing my eyebrows.

Looking at me, she raised her eyebrows before writing something down.

Fuck.

"That was a test. I just wanted to see your reaction to that information."

"Getting a hold on your triggers can definitely reduce your anger."

"Montana's one of them."

I already know. I thought.

"So what do I do?"

"Get to the root of the problem. We'll begin in our next session."

*

Explainations next..