The car is dead silent as Tristian pulls out of the parking lot. For the second time in 24 hours Luna is giving up her seat in the front next to Tristian to sit next to me and hold my hand. Maya is on my other side gently playing with my hair as I sit in the middle seat staring blankly out the windshield.

"Fran," Parker says softly, breaking the silence finally. I notice him turn his phone off as text after text from Bray blows up his phone.

I don't respond to him so Luna tries instead. "Sweetie, what happened?"

My lip begins to quiver again and I hate myself for crying over something so stupid. "Nothing," I rush wiping aggressively at my face as my shaky voice betrays me.

"Fran lying to us won't work honey. One because you're a terrible liar and two because we are your best friends," Maya calls me out, still braiding some hair that slipped from my ponytail.

"It's stupid," I whine as Ryders words replay in my head. No shit he didn't mean it, he had just had a really traumatic experience, we all say dumb things when we aren't thinking straight. Shit I am the poster child for saying things I don't mean, like when I rubbed in Ryder's face that his team lost because I was hurt about placing bad at competition. The thing is I am not even mad at Ryder for saying it and taking it back, if he doesn't have feelings that is fine. But after spending all night replaying the words over and over in my head it still felt like a slap to the face.

Last night after leaving the hospital and getting to our hotel I jumped in the shower and spent the entire time fantasizing about telling Ryder I also love him and then finally kissing him. I have imagined it 30 different ways but it always ended with us kissing after confessing our mutual love. My dreams last night were filled with rainbows and butterflies not "I can't remember anything from last night". When I saw him on the bench I was so excited to finally tell him and then... he took it back.

"Fran, we are here for you. I promise you whatever it is it isn't stupid. You are talking to people who stole a bedroom door all because Parker got his little feelings hurt."

I laugh at the memory of our first night at hockey house. Bray's door opened up a can of worms that no one expected but it brought the two teams together in ways I could have never imagined. "I am going to sit out for our hockey hang outs for a bit," I tell them.

They stare at me in shock. Obviously they know it has to do with Ryder but just yesterday I was crying over him and now I don't want to go to the house, I get their confusion. I also realize I am still wearing Ryders jacket making this even more confusing. I try to pull it off but in the tight back seat of the car it is hard.

My arm is stuck in the oversized jacket and I try to aggressively flap myself free. The longer I remain trapped in the jacket the tighter my chest feels. I feel the panic raising up and it becomes harder to breathe. Maya and Luna grab the jacket and pull me free just as the first few tears begin to fall.

"Fran, it's ok," Luna comforts, holding me to her chest.

"I am so stupid," I cry burying my face into her so no sees me crying.

"Whatever happened you aren't stupid Fran," Parker says rubbing my knee which is the only thing he can reach from the front seat.

"Yes I am," I choke. I am so mad at myself for letting myself believe such childish fantasies, for letting myself get distracted when I should be worrying about finals in 6 days, for crying over something so pointless. So what Ryder doesn't actually love me, what is there to cry about honestly. It isn't like we were together.

"Fran, you're in a car full of people who would move mountains for you because we all fucking care about you, please just tell us what is wrong." Everyone looks at Tristian, stunned he spoke. Tristian is the quiet type he says very few words except to Luna and his roommate Charles. Sometimes I go days without hearing Tristian talk even though he spends a lot of time in our apartment.

I finally cave and with a small voice tell them, "He told me he loved me and then didn't remember saying it this morning."

"He, as in Ryder?" Maya asks just to make sure.

"Yeah," I nod.

"That asshole!" Parker yells, pulling out his phone presumably to text Bray about Ryder.

"No," I protest. "He isn't an asshole Parker. He was on painkillers and had a really traumatic experience. I can't hold this against him. I just need some space from him for a little bit. I got my hopes up thinking that we both felt the same way toward each other and turns out we don't actually."

"You couldn't say a bad word about that boy if you wanted to." Luna shakes her head but with a small smile. Maya while I was talking slipped my phone from my pocket and now places it back in my lap.

"He did nothing wrong," I sniffle.

"He is a fucking idiot," Maya argues. "How can he not love you? Actually, I know he loves you. It is clear as day on his face he does but how has he not realized he loves you."

"It is complicated," I tell Maya thinking about how Ryder has never been told he is loved by anyone. I wanted to be that first person, but I guess I got wrapped up in my own fantasies.

The rest of the drive home is quiet. About 2 hours in, Parker puts on music but he tries really hard to not play any song related to love, which is really hard and makes the vibes in the car super weird. We are listening to party music in silence while I keep trying not to cry more.

When we finally get home I drag my bag into the apartment and curl up in bed. Luna turns my phone off which has been blowing up for hours, ever since Maya blocked Ryder for me. I felt bad at first that she blocked him but I realize I need to avoid him for a while and let these feelings go away before I can hang out with him again. I know that is unfair to him but he is supposed to be on bedrest, so I wouldn't have seen him much this week anyways.

"I brought you a brownie Franny," Maya says, presenting me with a warm brownie on a napkin.

When one of us is sad we all have our different ways to try and comfort one another. Luna usually gets violent and starts making threats. It is funny to listen to her rant about all her weird torture ideas against whoever hurt us. Parker is the cuddler of the house. He will lay with you and rub your back and just make sure you never feel alone while you are sad. Maya we call the mom because as soon as someones sad she runs right to the kitchen. Parker's last break up I swear our house gained 5 lbs from all the comfort food she made for him.

"Thank you My." I grab the brownie and take a small bite of it. Of course all I can think about is Ryder and him basically tackling me in the middle of Yost for one of Maya's brownies.

"I am making your favorite dinner also. Oh and your new skating costume arrived; I hung it up and steamed it for you. When you have time tonight or tomorrow we can try it on and I can do any alterations that might be needed for next Saturday."

"I love you Maya," I whimper and she quickly jumps into my bed and hugs me tightly.

"Oh Fran, I am so sorry. I know it isn't my place but I was talking to Alex and he said Ryder really needs to talk to you."

I swallow the lump in my throat and nod. I am not in the mood to talk about Ryder so I focus on her and Alex instead. "You and Alex talk?"

"Oh yeah occasionally," she blushes. "It is a pity friendship; I think he feels bad that it was so obvious Pman was playing me and I missed every single sign. That and because you and Parker are always with his two best friends so it was like a forced proximity thing, I am just always around."

"Maya," I roll my eyes because I know that is not why he talks to her and hangs around her. I want to tell her about his real feelings but that isn't my place to get involved. "He isn't like that, he is hanging out with you because you're beautiful and sweet," I say instead.

"Have you seen his past hookups? They are all talented and smart and god they're fucking gorgeous. What would he want with me? I have been used like a dirty tissue unlike them."

"Maya," I gasp in shock. Maya and Parker unlike me and Luna are known for the hookups and one night stands but that doesn't make her a dirty used tissue. "Why would you say that? Your body count doesn't make you dirty."

"The only time people outside our apartment pay me any attention is when I am barely wearing any clothes. It is fine, I don't usually care that people think I am a whore or a slut or whatever but he is just- he is different I guess. He is too good for me. I don't know, anyways I should finish dinner."

Before I can object Maya is already out the room. After my competition next week I will have to find Alex and tell him all this. I know it isn't my place to mettle in their lives but I can't sit here and let my best friend question her worth.

After dinner Parker is cuddling with me on the couch. All 4 of us had to shut our phones off for the night because Ryder has had people blowing all our phones up trying to get to me. I have to say it is really sweet and makes me feel special but I need time before I can face him. I am sure he just is confused why I am upset with him since he doesn't remember what he said and I feel bad leaving him confused and likely hurt but I need to take care of myself. Right now I can't focus on him. I need to focus on my competition so I keep my scholarship.

"Parker I love cuddles but I am going to go to the rink for a little bit. It is only open for another two hours and I haven't practiced since Thursday."

Parker untangles himself from me and helps me stand. "Do you want company? I can pretend to be a judge and help you tune up your routine."

I kiss his cheek and hug him tightly. "Thanks but I want to be alone."

He nods in understanding and lets me leave. I normally take the bus to the arena but tonight I decided to walk. It is already 8pm but I saw there was some time open tonight so I booked from 8:30 to 9:30 hoping that skating would help clear my head.

When I get to the arena I find myself walking to the hockey locker room. I thought the ice would help me clear my head but instead it is just like a non stop reel of all my memories with him. So many fucking memories.

I realize what I am doing and want to smack myself for wasting even a minute of my hour before quickly turning around away from the locker room to the ice. I dump my stuff on the bench and lace up my skates as quickly as possible.

I start warming up playing my usual Taylor Swift playlist. Of course The Very Fight Night comes on echoing the thoughts in my head. I rip my phone from my pocket and skip song after song until I find something more upbeat.

Once I am warmed up, I put my competition song on repeat and begin. I am so focused on skating the song's lyrics don't faze me, at first. But the longer the song repeats the harder it is to keep my composure.

'It's hard to be fine when your hearts on the line and the truth is I'm goin through hell' echoes off the walls as I let out a bitter laugh. "Fuck you!" I scream as tears stream down my face.

I try to restart and practice but every single line is like someone is stabbing me right in the heart. I keep going while the tears streak my face. My nose is so stuffy I can't breathe anymore but even as my lungs burn I keep going.

I know my routine probably looks like a sloppy mess but I need to practice. Hopefully if I can make it through this I will be fine to compete it this weekend without breaking down.

I try to grab my skate for a spin and end up slicing my hand. "Fucking bitch," I curse as I grab my bloody hand. I angrily skate off the ice and grab a towel I have stuffed in my bag. I don't have anything to wrap it with so I kick off my skates and march home pissed off at everyone and everything. Mainly myself for being such an idiot and letting myself get distracted from skating. I have worked too hard to let a man ruin everything.

When I get home all three of my roommates notice my bloody hand and fall into the routine. Luna grabs me and sits me down, Maya grabs the first aid kit, and Parker grabs towels to wipe away the blood. They all take care of me silently, probably sensing the anger just rolling off of me.

Once I am cleaned up I mumble a thank you and get in the shower. After my shower I half ass my nightly routine and climb into bed feeling numb.

Luna comes in shortly after and shuts the lights off but I know she is looking at me in the dark. "You don't normally cut your hand," she says with an even tone.

"It happens sometimes Luna," I snap back already on the defense.

"I know," she says softly. It is weird for Luna to be soft because usually she is the fiery loudmouth who will burn her enemies and anyone who dares to wrong her. All her enemies except him, who she tolerated for me.

"I miss him," I sigh.

As if she can sense the tears beginning to pool in the corners of my eyes I hear Luna crawl from her bed before she joins me in mine. I guess she took cuddling pointers from Parker because cold hearted Luna wraps her arms securely around me.

"He is right where you left him."

"He left me," I argue, feeling anger surge through my body. This isn't my fault, it is his, sort of. I know it really isn't his but that doesn't invalidate my feelings either.

"Sweetie, it pains me to say this but he is trying really fucking hard to talk to you. I know you're hurt right now and want to focus on competition but don't be so stubborn you lose something good in your life."

"I can't do it right now Luna. I can't see him."

"I know and that is fine Fran but in 5 weeks from now we will all be home for the summer, don't leave before talking to him. I know right now you say you won't care but you will regret it eventually. I hate sharing you but Ryder was your second best, not as good as me, friend and he really did bring out a good side of you."

I take in Luna's words as we lay in my bed in the dark. "I need a new competition song."

"You can't choreograph a new routine in 5 days and I won't let you risk it."

"I need to Luna, I can't listen to that song without crying."

"Let me hear it," she instructs, grabbing my phone so I can play it for her. Halfway through the song she begins laughing. "Oh he is fucking sick," she laughs. "Talk about insult to injury."

"Luna," I scold but also begin to laugh.

She pauses the song and kisses my head before climbing back to her own bed still laughing. "I'm sorry, do you want me to key his car? Burn his hats? Steal his rats? Francesca whatever you want say the words and I will ruin him if it will bring a smile back to your face."

God, I love my best friend.

"I love you too Luna," I smile snuggling into my bed even though I am not tired at all.