《The Author and Her Bodyguard》Chapter 21
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I am a nervous, insomnia-filled human. Meaning, that as soon as I want to sleep, I can't. My brain decides to send me into a spiral leaving me helpless and so wide awake that the idea of sleep seems like a joke.
My brain becomes a ping pong of energy and questionable sanity. The key is knowing when to stop fighting your brain. To know when to just give in and try to tire your brain out. I think Aiden must have understood firsthand how to handle insomnia because after Tate walked out the door, Aiden turned the television back on, understanding on some deep level that it was the background noise I needed to shut my brain up.
A moment later I heard a familiar theme song start playing, the short jingle that started Fraiser, filled the room and washed a sense of calm over me. It was followed up by the smell of cinnamon and a warm cup of spiced chia hovering next to my face.
Aiden held out the hot cup of tea towards me, the steam from the cup tickling my nose. It smelled fantastic but... it was tea. And I knew better than to believe that leaves would taste as good as this drink smelled. "Humor me," Aiden said in an amused tone. "I let you pretend to sleep during my whole conversation with Tate. Just try it."
I clamped my mouth shut and took the hot cup of tea, too embarrassed at being caught to protest.
Aiden sat down in the chair next to the couch and sipped his own cup of tea. His white button-up shirt was a crumpled mess, his hair disheveled. And all the unkept state did was make him look more approachable in his attractiveness. He seemed more vulnerable and tired in the shadows of the night with only the light of the television to frame his face.
The flickering colors carved into his lines, like a glowing frame highlighting his jaw, the curve of his neck, the veins in his arms, his beauty in the dim light. It was utterly disarming. A filter that threatened to open my heart and swallow me whole. My gosh, he needs to stop being so good-looking. It's not good for my health.
"You should go home," I said, pulling my eyes away. I stared down at my cup of tea, eyeing it with distrust.
Aiden took a long sip of tea and grunted, which I took as a sign that he wasn't going to be swayed. Finally, after several hesitant sniffs, I took a sip of the chai. My eyes went wide in surprise.
"Not that bad is it?" Aiden smirked without even glancing in my direction. "Figured a sweeter flavor would be my best chance to get you to be open-minded about tea."
"This would taste great with a cinnamon PopTart," I blurted.
Aiden nearly spat out his tea. "Please never disgrace the tea by pairing it with—"
I snorted. "Oh come on! Tea and biscuits! Isn't that a thing! Think of the PopTart as a biscuit."
"That would be an insult to biscuits," Aiden said looking beyond flustered. He stared at me like I was a deranged psychopath.
I laughed. "You sound like Frazier," I said motioning to Kelsey Grammar on the screen as he began to monologue about how pairing a glass of red wine with fish was a crime. "So particular!"
Aiden smiled. "What does that make you?"
I weighed all my character options from the show carefully, trying to pick a character with the least amount of flaws. They were all dramatic in their own way, the question was... what type of dramatic did I want to declare myself as. "Martin."
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Aiden laughed. The sound filled the living room and warmed me down to my toes. "The cranky retired cop who hates trying new things?"
I stood my ground, jutting up my chin in defiance. "Yes."
Aiden took a long sip of his tea. "Good pick."
We both laughed before a yawn ruined our duet of chuckles. Aiden's face turned serious. "You should sleep."
I shook my head, getting ready to shut him down with a string of protests but he continued.
"I'm not going anywhere Summers. You're safe."
"You need sleep too," I argued.
Aiden shrugged. "Tate's taking my morning shift. I'll get plenty of sleep when he gets back." When I didn't move he sighed. "I'll be fine. I've been trained to stay up for long hours."
"What will you do? Don't you get bored?"
"Are you kidding? You have a kitchen stocked with PopTarts. I have crap food to eat for hours." He motioned towards my bedroom door. "Go."
I stood up and walked into my bedroom without a word, pulled my blanket and pillow off the bed, and a second blanket and pillow from my closet. Then, before I could question myself, I walked back out to the living room with weaning confidence, suddenly questioning my stupid decision, and handed a blanket and pillow to Aiden before settling down on the love seat, for the night.
Aiden raised a brow. "Don't you have a perfectly good bed?"
"Yes," I said pulling the blanket over myself.
"Then why are you sleeping on the couch?"
"The same reason you agreed to stay," I answered laying down on my side and turning to watch the TV. "I can't sleep."
"I told you that you are safe with me."
I turned and leveled Aiden with a stare. "But I'm not with you unless I'm out here. You can't do your job unless you see me right?"
Aiden didn't answer.
"So either I sleep out here, or you watch me in there."
"It's not how we do things," Aiden deflected, looking away, a muscle working in his jaw.
"So I will sleep out here." Aiden's eyes flashed with a mix of irritation and something else I couldn't quite pin. "Besides, it makes your job easier right? Especially if you are up all night," I added.
Aiden didn't answer. "I'll take that as a yes. So Frazier marathon it is." I snuggled in under the blanket.
We fell into silence, the room dark of all light but the TV. "You are impossibly stubborn," Aiden murmured.
I smiled to myself, "Well Martin from Frazier is known for being stubborn."
I heard Aiden chuckle into the darkness, and much to my surprise, I found myself falling asleep, feeling impossibly safe with Aiden's watchful eye, close by. The eyes that had made me feel so exposed had now become a comfort.
The last thought I had as I drifted off was how much that idea scared me. He felt like home. And the last people that felt like home were gone.
The idea of that happening to Aiden pulled me from a fitful sleep, into a place I had avoided. A set of nightmares that had a new addition.
It was no longer just my family standing in the darkness, shattering like glass when I reached for them. Aiden stood next to them. And no matter how hard I tried to not fall into the same pattern that this repetitious nightmare brought, I reached out my hand towards Aiden and my parents.
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And just liked it happened every other time, I watched my family break. Splinter into a million glistening sparks of light. Gone. Then I moved towards Aiden, all the while screaming in my own mind to stop. Aiden smiled and then... I watched him break. Shatter. Vanish into a thousand glass knives of pain that cut across my heart, breaking me along with him.
I didn't realize I was screaming until I heard Aiden. "Summers!" I felt his arms wrap around me, and pull me into his chest, startling me awake. "You're okay. It was just a dream."
I didn't realize I was crying until I opened my eyes and the world was a blur of bleeding colors. "Breathe, Summers," Aiden said gently, pushing my hair away from my face.
I took in a large breath of air, and buried my face into Aiden's chest, no longer caring about how it may be perceived. I was scared that he'd disappear. Afraid I would be the reason he would die. Someone who wasn't mine to worry about mattered to me on a deep, and painful level. And that was utterly terrifying.
"What happened?" Aiden asked. I pulled away and looked down at my hands.
"It was just a bad dream."
"Sounded like a nightmare." I didn't answer. "How often do you have it?"
I finally looked up at him, using the sleeve of my flannel shirt to wipe my eyes. "What makes you think I have it often?"
"The look in your eyes," Aiden said, his face in shadow. "I get that way when I have a dream like that."
"What makes it better?" I asked.
"Talking about it," Aiden answered.
I sighed, closing my eyes. "You don't want to hear about it."
"Don't assume that," Aiden said, his voice taking on a deep baritone. "You are far more interesting than you give yourself credit for."
I held my breath, afraid to make a sound in the suddenly heavy silence. It felt like there was too much space between us as he sat next to me on the love seat, and at the same time, not enough.
I wanted to see his face. To know what he was thinking. To understand what he meant. I leaned closer to him, hoping to read his face that sat so quiet in the dark. "What do you mean?" I whispered.
Aiden's voice was suddenly right in front of me. His breath touching my cheeks. "I mean..." He paused. "That you seem surprised that people care about you. Are passionate about you and your stories."
I caught a glimpse of his eyes. They shone brightly in the darkness, filled with an icy fire that made my mouth dry. "As if you don't believe you are worth making a fuss over."
My heart raced, and I found myself shaking my head. "I'm not." The words sounded hollow but left a painful ache in my chest.
"Don't lie," Aiden said in a gentle but firm tone. "You are a very worthwhile person." I began to shake my head again, but he placed his hands on either side of my face to stop me, caging me in place. Tears filled my eyes.
Why is it that tenderness can break you just as easily as hurtful words? Because that is what Aiden was threatening to do. To break me into a thousand pieces, and I was afraid I'd never be able to put myself back together again.
"Aiden," I protested.
"For someone who loves to write about the beauty in others, why is it so hard for you to see the beauty in yourself?" Aiden asked, his hands still on the sides of my face. His voice was so quiet that it was but a breath, but the message was loud, ringing in my ears.
"It's hard to see... when you stand so close. Sometimes all you can see are the flaws."
Aiden lowered his hands and took mine in his. "Then try to take a step back, and look at yourself as a full picture. Sometimes the most beautiful pieces are the broken ones. That doesn't make them any less beautiful." Aiden offered my hands a tender squeeze before letting go.
"I don't know who've you lost. And grief isn't easy." Aiden rubbed the back of his neck. "So stop confusing grief with weakness. And allow yourself to cry when it hurts. You don't have to talk to me. But be open with yourself and someone you trust. It will help the nightmares."
How had this boy, this beautiful, irritatingly observant boy, seen me? Seen me down to the very cracks of my soul?
"I used to have this nightmare all the time," I said into the darkness, the words heavy on my tongue. "My parents stand in the darkness, looking at me. They are always smiling in the dream. Then... they shatter into a million pieces every time I reach out to touch them. They just... break right before my eyes."
I shook my head. "I was sixteen when they died. The very same day I got my publishing contract." Tears spilled down my cheeks as I looked up at Aiden. "How is it that so much good, and so much bad can happen at the same time? That day will never just be good, or bad. It's just a twisted mess of pain and joy. One I haven't been able to unravel."
"It doesn't have to be just one," Aiden whispered. "Life is a messy, beautiful, and broken thing. We can love and hate our lives. It doesn't mean we have to stay in one of those emotions all the time." He handed me a napkin.
I wiped my eyes furiously and stared down at the ground. "I miss them Aiden. I miss them so much sometimes that I can't breathe." I crumpled the napkin in my hand, exhausted. "I feel like I'm going to break. Like I'm a boat without an anchor keeping me in place."
Aiden hesitantly placed a hand on my shoulder, and I melted into his touch like butter on a hot piece of bread. He quickly wrapped his arms around me and held me when I burst into tears.
I don't know how long Aiden sat there. He didn't move. Didn't try to let go. He just sat next to me on the couch, brushing my hair away from my face with his strong beautiful fingers, his heart beat strong against my ear. His body a warm blanket around my always cold body.
And at some point, I fell back to sleep, this time, in Aiden's arms. And this time, I didn't wake up screaming.
---
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