It's been nearly a month since Jenna had left. The house felt cold, dark, empty. All I could feel was alone, afraid, and unhappy. The gifts from Christmas were still unopened. I called her, left voicemails, but nothing. I called her mother, but nothing. It was almost too much to bare. It was mid January and by now the snow was still falling but the thought of taking what Jenna had created down was a sting, as if I was getting rid of her.

Three weeks to go before we headed back on tour for four weeks. It was hard to believe it was end of December with New Years passing and not a single call or such from Jenna.

I got up from the sofa at the sound of the doorbell go off but I couldn't imagine who it could be considering how I have distant myself so much from the guys and my family. I rose to the door and opened it, there Jay stood

"Hey mate" is all I could say before letting Jay come into the silence that I lived in.

"We need to talk about this Matt" he said and took out the one thing I was afraid of looking at.

This was it. The ugly side of who I had became and what I had done, the reason for my downfall. There it was, the four month little blob of black and white that I had come to despise.

"I don't want to see that shit" I said to Jay as it put it on the coffee table.

"I know, and I know you're hurting but you gotta talk to her and you know who I'm talking about, things need to be figured out before we leave on the road and this ain't gonna be pretty, I mean look at what's going right now, look at what happened with you and Jenna, it's not good and if you don't tell Jenna then you'll never be able to forgive yourself" he said as I sat back on the sofa.

This has been haunting me since I had found out about this but I had to resist the urge to scream and cry.

"Is she here?" I ask.

Jay gave that look, the look that you only give when you felt guilt, "Yes" he said, "Do you want me to get her?"

I wanted to say no and cry but I knew things would get complicated.

"No, not yet" I said, "I need to figure out where I stand with Jenna and everything else, give me a couple days and I'll figure things out soon" I said.

Jay nodded and got up, walking out.

"Look Matt, I know you're going through a lot and I can't tell you what to do but you gotta figure this out before we leave, things are only gonna get worst the more you push it off and soon the baby will be here, you have to choose what you want to do" he said and walked out the door.

I was livid at the thought, but he was right, I needed to figure this out before we left because I'd be on the road and with the 2012 hype I needed to stay focus and I couldn't put it off any longer than I already had. I got up and slowly started to clean up a bit especially after all the presents from Christmas still sat there, collecting dust. Nine gifts all sat there together, five gifted to me and four to Jenna I picked them all up and sat them on the counter. I let curiosity get the best of me and opened three of the five. The first was a painted canvas of angel wings, that looked like it could go on the cover of a shirt or something, the colors were vibrant and gave the fresh smell of paint off and with it a note from Jenna:

One day we'll be angels in the sky, maybe in the afterlife but all I know is that whatever happens you'll always be my angel. So long as these wings stay with you, you'll be mine forever

-Love Jenna Ryne Ryder

The next was a Polaroid camera that had a set of film that came with it. She always held the camera and took photos and she use to joke that I was too "old school" and had to buy me and "old school" camera, her sense of humor was something else. The third gift I had opened was Jenna's sketch book and in it had all the drawings she did while we were together.

The sketch book was dated May 12, 2001–December 4th 2011, it were all the drawings she did while we were together. I sat back on the sofa and started to look thru all the drawings. All of them were hers and it was written with dates, from pencil drawing, to water painting, and color pencils, this was amazing. Since I've known Jenna, all she ever loved to do was draw and do more with her drawings and I loved every single piece of art she drew. The last photo was dated December 4th, 2011, it was a color penciled drawing of me from Uproar 2011 with a quote "I miss you around and all that I want is to be with you", it was a couple days before she left when she finished this drawing. Tears began to stream down my face, I missed her.