"Kai! Open the fucking door right now!!" Sarah's boisterous yelling had me groaning. "I know you're not asleep!"

I slipped out of bed and adjusted the loose tank top I had on. It was a dark maroon color and the sleeves had been cut, making my sides visible. It was Lucas'... I don't even know why I was wearing it.

I was completely and utterly exhausted, It felt like I got hit with an eight-ton truck last night.

I opened the door just to be met with a fuming red-head. She grabbed the door and shoved it open, brushing past me and giving me an impatient look.

Extremely confused, I grumbled, "The fuck crawled up your ass this morning?"

I closed the door and the second I turned around I saw a hand flash in front of my face, a stinging sensation taking over my left cheek.

I raised my hand to touch the area, "What the fuck, Sarah?!"

"No, what the actual fuck, Kai!" She yelled at me.

My eyebrows pinched together, "Why would you slap me?"

She was seething, "I slapped you in place of someone who doesn't have the will to do it himself!"

"What are you talking about?"

"Sit down, now," Her commanding voice made me flinch. Unsure of what was going on, I slowly took my seat at my black desk chair.

"Kai, I love you like a brother, you know that, right?" She spoke softly all of a sudden. "Ever since elementary school, even though you're older than me, I've always felt like you were my little brother."

I nodded my head, unsure of where this was going.

"Look, I know your life has been an absolute shit show. The things that happened to you... But you have a problem."

"Problem? What do you mean?" I questioned.

"Your life has been so fucked up that I think you're forgetting other people also have fucked up lives. Even if it's not the same as what you've been through, everyone is dealing with stuff," Sarah looked at me, a sad expression appearing in her eyes. "I know you have so much going on in your life right now with Mad Dog and your dad and sister and your new-found sexuality, but you're forgetting that other people also have things going on."

Sarah paused for a second. "I talked to Lucas last night."

I jumped out of my seat, "You what!?" I shouted in anger.

"Sit. The. Fuck. Down. And. Listen." At Sarah's words, I clamped my jaw shut and lowered myself back down onto the chair. "You don't even realize it, do you?"

"Realize what?"

"You're so absorbed into your own world you can't even see what's going on around you! Do you really not know what caused all these problems in the first place?" Sarah scoffed.

I kept my mouth shut, my face contorted in confusion.

"You said you wanted to ask Lucas out, that you wanted to be his boyfriend! Well, what the fuck is this then? You ignore him, treat him like a lackey, and fucking hit him."

I didn't understand what she was talking about.

"I know you have a lot going on, I really do, but so does Lucas. But how can you say you want to be with someone if you don't notice all the shit things going on in their life? How can you even say you care for Lucas when you don't know what's been happening to him!? You can't even see how hard his life has been because you're so obsessed with your own! Reality check, Kai," she threw her hands in the air, "a relationship is a two-way street, it doesn't revolve around just you! If you keep acting like you're the only person in the world then you don't deserve to be in a relationship!"

I was trying my best to decipher what Sarah was saying, but I was so confused. It's like trying to read an essay with only the analysis and no context.

"What do you mean? What's going on with Lucas beside him trying to convince me I'm not gay and attempting to pawn me off on a girl so that he can get rid of me?" I barked at her.

"W-what?" She stuttered. "Lucas did something like that?" Sarah had an incredulous look on her face as if she was simultaneously connecting the dots and trying to find the lie.

"Ugh!" Sarah shouted, rolling her eyes. "No, I'm done playing the middleman. You two are going to fix this right now." Before I could ask what she meant she stomped over to the door, her loose strawberry curls bouncing as she huffed. She gripped the handle and flung it open. I could hear her shoes going down the stairs. It was quiet for a second and then two sets of steps could be heard trending back towards my room.

The second I caught a glimpse of who she dragged into my room my brows knitted together and my jaw clenched.

Sarah pulled a reluctant Lucas through the doorway and into my room. She left the door wide open and spoke with venom in her voice, "Kai, stay the fuck in the chair, and Lucas, Sit down on the bed."

He gave her a confused look but gently placed himself at the edge so his feet were still on the ground.

"Why are you yelling at me?" Lucas mumbled to her.

"Hush," she snapped, causing Lucas and me to both scowl. "You two are going to talk. Everything from the beginning. You will talk about everything that has happened and exactly how it has made you feel and why. Treat this like a fucking threapy session and get everything off of your chests. I'm telling both of you this right now, you both fucked up," Sarah turned to glare at me, "some more than others, all because of misunderstandings and a lack of communication. I am going to stand right outside this door. You are both going to talk about this calmly, if I so much as hear anyone's voice ever so slightly raised, I will come back into this room and slap some sense into either one of you." She turned to look at Lucas and whispered, "If you raise your voice I'll slap the shit out of you too... in two weeks."

With that, she flipped her hair and headed toward the door. Sarah looked back at us, her pointer finger flying between me and Lucas, "Fix this. And Kai, for god sake listen to what he has to say, every single word and try to understand where he's coming from." She muttered to herself as she left the room and closed the door, "You two aren't children, act like civilized adults for once."

The door slammed and an awkward silence filled the room. Lucas and I were facing each other, but looking at everything that wasnt the other person.

I broke the silence, "So..."

"So..." the green-eyed boy replied back.

"Why did Sarah say this was just a misunderstanding?" I was talking to myself.

"Who knows," Lucas must have heard me, "you made it painfully obvious how you felt about me this week."

"Isn't it you who made it obvious how you don't like me?" I glowered at him.

"Don't like you? Me?" Lucas pointed to himself, sarcasm dripping from his tongue. "Aren't you the one who decided to exile me from your life without a word?"

"What are you talking about?" I asked, utterly confused.

He scoffed, "You ignored me and avoided me like the plague for a week. It was like I was never part of your life in the first place."

"What!?" I yelled.

Lucas cut me off before I could continue, bringing up a finger toward his mouth, "Shhh! Do you want to get slapped?"

I shut my mouth, remembering Sarah was right outside. Sure I fight all the time, but they don't usually have knife-like fingernails attached to their hands. I don't think I can even call Sarah's fingernails, they're more like claws.

"I wasn't ignoring you, at all," I told him.

He sighed, "We already talked about this, I don't want to do this again. Last time in ended in me getting fucking punched," Lucas fumed.

"You did?" I asked. I don't remember talking about this.

"The fuck? So you didn't care about what I had to say to the point where you just completely blocked me out Thursday night?" He scoffed.

"I don't know what youre talking about, but I wasn't ignoring you!" I whisper yelled.

"What do you call it? What do you call not talking to me, not picking up the phone or answering my texts, and spending all of your time with a girl? You passed me in the halls and in class without even acknowledging my existence," Lucas spoke calmly, but the sorrowful undertones were extremely audible.

"And if that wasn't enough, you were my first friend, and with you came Zay and Jack. But the second you decided you didn't need me anymore, poof. I had no one left because in the end Jack and Zay aren't my friends, they're your friends."

"Woah, woah, woah, slow down," I held my hands up completely confused and tried to process the pure bullshit coming out of his mouth. "I don't know what youre going on about friends and shit, and I seriously wasn't ignoring you! I was planning a date! I wanted to ask you out!" I buried my head in my hands.

"W-what?" Lucas stuttered, his voice now calm and lacking its previous hostility.

"I spent the entire week with Sarah because she was trying to help figure out the best way for me to ask you to be my boyfriend, officially," I looked into his eyes for the first time today, the only emotion visible was shock.

"Why?" Lucas suddenly raised his voice, "Why didn't you tell me!? I thought you threw me away after getting what you wanted! I thought you were just using me!" Tears filled his eyes.

"Using you?" I prodded, getting emotional seeing Lucas like this, "Why would you think that?"

"How could I not! Nearly every time we are together you ask me for help. Lucas, can you give me a ride? Lucas, will you fight with me? Lucas, help me with this, help me with that. It's been all about you this entire time, so of course, when you stop asking me for things I assume that you've gotten everything you needed from me."

"I-I didn't... I didn't realize I was doing that." I looked down in shame at the sudden revelation. "I was just so caught up in everything I didn't..." I couldn't finish my sentence.

"I'm sorry," I whispered.

We sat in silence for several minutes, both of us mewling over what had just happened.

"I'm sorry I did that... but why did you tell me I was faking it? Do you know how much it hurt to hear that, especially from you of all people." Lucas looked up to me as I spoke, the bags under his eyes were sunken in and dark. They were intense, as if he hasn't slept in days.

"How could you tell me that I'm not gay? That I should try being with a girl because it would be better for me? Don't you know what you sounded like? You said the same things homophobic people do, the same exact thing the people who want to put people like us into conversion therapy say. 'You're not gay, you just need to find the right girl. Just gotta pray the gay away. You're just confused,'" the affliction of his words was evident in my wavering voice.

"I just," The corners of Lucas' mouth turned downward and started quivering. I looked back to his eyes as tears began to fall. "I j-just thought that you were using me to find your dad. I-I thought that you were faking it and that I was just a tool for you to get what you want," Lucas' voice was shaking, I could tell he was trying his best to not break down.

I looked straight into Lucas' eyes, not talking until we had direct eye contact, "I have never used you. Not once. I-" I took a deep breath, "I don't let a lot of people into my life because I'm scared that they'll look down on me with pity or leave me, just like my mom and brother... or take advantage of me like my dad did. I wanted you to be involved in every aspect of everything that I was doing because I care about you and trust you. Fuck," I let out a laugh, it wasn't one of happiness. "So everything you said to me Thursday night... that was because I was too busy using my daft brain to come up with ways to ask you out," I stated, summarizing things for myself.

"But how the hell did you come up with a conclusion like that? Things were so simple... how did it get so blown up in your head?" I asked him, not angry but rather with a sad curiousness. "How come you never mentioned how you felt before... the stuff about me using you, the way you're talking makes it seem like it's been on the back of your mind for a while now."

"I just assumed you were like everyone else in my life... I'm used to people using me and then throwing me out the second I lose my use. It's normal..." He looked down. Lucas looked as if he truly believed being used by others was the most normal thing in the world.

"Normal? How can being used be normal? There's nothing normal about it!" I quietly shouted.

"Yes, it is!" He shot back, completely breaking down into sobs "That's how things are in the real world. For fucks sake the only thing my mom has ever wanted from me is money, using me like some fucking nanny to take care of her kids and an atm that pays the bills! I was so busy playing dad that I didn't have enough time to have friends, I had no one! I did everything by myself, I've always done everything by myself! Because no one fucking cares about how I feel. Of course, I thought you'd be the same, so I tried to push you away before I could get even more hurt than I already was," Lucas was sobbing, "So I said those things to you. Because I was tired of just taking everything and doing nothing back. Because I was hurt, because I didn't want to hurt anymore," the tears streamed down Lucas' face endlessly.

I stood up from my chair and quickly walked toward Lucas. I wrapped my arms around his back and pushed his head into my stomach.

I looked down at the top of his fluffy hair as he clutched onto my shirt, spilling all the tears he had.

The sounds of his cries forced water out of my eyes as I rubbed soothing circles on his shoulder and brushed my hand calmingly through his hair, his body still uncontrollably shaking.

I bit my lip, trying to keep back the noises that wanted to escape. I sniffled again trying to keep my emotions at bay.

He eventually calmed down and I moved to sit next to the slumped boy. I sat as close to him as possible, sliding my hand into his, tightening my grip, never wanting to let go.

"Why didn't you say something to me?" Tears fell from my eyes as I tried to keep my voice steady. "You listened to all of my problems... so why didn't you tell me you were having such a hard time?"

How could I have not known?

How could I have not even questioned it, like an idiot?

I should have known his life couldn't have been perfect... I should have known something was up since he barely talked about himself. I-I should have asked him... I should have asked him after seeing his argument with his mom that one time.

I should have asked him after hearing about how long he's been working at that gym. I should have questioned why he was always skipping school and picking up extra shifts.

Why, why didn't I say anything?

Was it because I saw a living family and just assumed that was enough because It's something I don't have?

Lucas' voice was raw and trembling, "Because," he breathily whispered as he looked at my face, his nose and eyes awfully red, "When I'm with you, all of my problems dissolve. Being with you makes me feel as though there isn't a single worry in my world," Lucas took a deep breath. "Kai, when I'm with you I feel like I have no problems at all, it's as if they never existed in the first place."

I didn't know what to say, I was rendered speechless by Lucas' confession. I leaned in and squeezed him against me, I tightly wrapped my arms around him and rested my head on his shoulder, "From now on... will you tell me when somethings wrong? Even the smallest of things, I don't care if it's insignificant... so please tell me," I pleaded.

He didn't speak, but I could feel him slowly nodding his head agreeing.

"Do you promise you won't ignore me again... and that you'll never use me?" His deep voice was still shaky, but his emotions seemed to be more in control than before.

"I didn't mean to ignore you... from now on I won't try to throw surprises, I'll just tell you straight up. And use you... I'd never even think of it. You're not an object, Lucas. You are not something to be used, you are not some tool. Don't think of yourself like that, because even if that's how people treated you in the past... I'll never, ever, ever do that."

We stayed in a soft embrace, neither of us wanting to break the warm hug.

"Hey, Lucas?" I started, resting my chin on his shoulder.

"Yeah," his voice was hoarse.

"I don't want to ruin the mood, but it's just been on my mind since yesterday," Lucas flinched at my words. "At the fight... Why?"

My question was implied.

"I thought it was because you wanted to distance yourself from me and push me back into being straight... but that's not the case, so why?" I was hurt by what he did yesterday, we need to settle things but yesterday it felt like he didn't care... I felt betrayed.

Lucas' face was buried in the crook of my neck, his words coming out in a series of mumbles, "It's your fault."

I lifted my head, my eyebrows furrowed. I removed myself from the hug, pushing his shoulders back with my hands, "My fault?"

Lucas sighed, "Kai, I have a concussion."

I stared at him, wide-eyed as he continued, "When you hit me the other day I fell and my head hit the ground really hard. I couldn't drive yesterday so I was almost late. When the fight started I was so dizzy and nauseous I couldn't see or process anything that was going on-" Lucas continued talking.

His words were drowned out as my head started spinning.

I gave him a concussion. I hurt him. I hurt someone I am supposed to care for and protect...

Instead of listening to what he had to say and just talking with him I let my emotions take over.

Instead of talking to him and hearing Lucas out I got angry.

I got angry and I got violent...

I got violent because things weren't working out for me, because I was offended...

Because I thought he wronged me...

I hurt him... I hurt the person I care about more than anything.

I used violence... to convey my emotions...

That's just like...

I felt bile rise in my throat, Lucas was still talking but my ears were ringing.

Oh my god.

I'm just like him.

I did the same thing he did.

Suddenly I couldn't breathe. I started heaving, trying to catch my breath but it wasn't working.

I scratched at my neck, It felt like I was choking.

In the background I could hear Lucas, "Kai? Kai, what's wrong?" But that's all his words were, background noise.

I stood up, stumbling trying to grab onto things, gasping and hyperventilating. I somehow managed to get myself into the bathroom, seeing stars in my vision as everything became blurry.

I was just like him.

I collapsed onto the floor in front of the toilet, grabbing the edges of the bowl. I threw my face over it, retching and gagging, then finally spilling bile into the toilet.

"Kai, are you okay?" I could hear the worry in Lucas' voice.