I continued walking down the familiar street, the only noise in the silence being my sniffles.

I pulled my phone out of my pocket and dialed Jack's number. I brought the phone up to my ear, listening to the ringing noise as I waited for him to pick up.

"Yo, Kai. What's up?" He asked me. I could hear music in the background as well as some other voices.

"D-do you think you can pick me up right now? I need a ride," I knew my voice was shaky.

"Hey... What's wrong with your voice?" My friend asked, concerned, turning down the music as the people in the background became quiet.

"Just pick me up, please," I begged.

"Sure," I could sense the hesitation in his voice. "Text me where you're at, I'll go right now."

"Thanks..." I hung up, quickly sending him the address of the random house I had somehow made my way in front of.

I sat down on the curb, pulling my knees up and wrapping my arms around my legs. I put my head down and focused on my breathing, trying to calm myself down.

I lost track of time, sitting in that position replaying Lucas' words in my head over and over and over again.

Why did things turn out this way?

Before I knew it, Jack's white truck pulled up in front of me. Sarah was in the passenger seat and Zay was sitting in the cargo bed.

I looked up from the ground and all three of them had furrowed brows, staring at my disoriented state.

I didn't say anything as I hopped into the back next to Zay.

Jack began driving, most likely to his place. I looked up at the stars in the sky, feeling a tear drip down my cheek as Zay studied my disheveled appearance.

It wasn't a long drive, no more than eight minutes before we were all piling out of the white car and walking into Jack's living room. I plopped myself down onto the couch as Zay sat next to me, Jack leaning against the wall with his arms crossed over his chest and Sarah sitting in a chair across the room.

The silence was deafening, a high pitched ringing appearing in my head. They simply looked at me, lips sealed shut. They were waiting for me to say something, but no words were coming to mind.

There was this feeling in the back of my throat, a tight knot that told me if I so much as opened my mouth I would not be able to control the strange emotions I was feeling.

Betrayal?

Anger?

Sorrow?

Regret...

What did Lucas even say back there? I was so taken aback, it was so unexpected that I can't remember. It's all just a blur.

"Kai," It was Zay's voice. I had never heard such a sensitive and endearing tone come out of his silly, immature self.

I couldn't keep it in, I broke down crying. Sob after sob, endless streams running down my face. My nose was red and my throat hurt.

I heaved, trying my best to breathe, but the air didn't come. Jack rushed out of the room and brought back a box of tissues as Zay rubbed my back.

I wiped the snot from my nose, blowing into the tissue. I harshly rubbed my eyes, making them even redder than before.

"Kai," Sarah spoke softly. "What happened?"

"I-I've never seen you cry before," Zay had a pained expression on his face. Pained from seeing me like this. In the many years I'd known him, no matter how much I had going on, I never showed that weakness to anyone. I never cried in front of anyone... except Lucas.

"I-Its just t-that... Ho-how could he say that to me?" I stuttered, not being able to process my words.

They shared looks with one another, all confused and unknowing.

"H-he said that I was f-faking it. That I'm not g-gay, and that I'm just using h-him..." I spoke between hiccups, choking down my cries.

"Using him? What the hell does that mean?" Zayden asked, angry at what Lucas had said.

"I just wanted to see him because I missed him all week at school, I thought he didn't show up. So I went to his house and told him I came over to watch some of Mad Dog's fights...

"What the actual fuck!" The boy sitting next to me exclaimed. "Who does he think he is to say that you're using him? Using him how?" Zayden was frustrated, not following Lucas' logic.

"I don't know... It was hard for me to understand. He went on about how I only seek him out when I need something," I looked up to Jack, more water falling from my eyes. "D-do I do that?"

"What!?" He removed himself from the wall, "Of course not! There is a thin line between trusting someone and using them, not once have you used Lucas."

"B-but then why," my voice broke, "why would he say that? Am I just a shitty person?"

"And then after everything we did together, he thinks I'm lying about my sexuality? Even after I gave him m-my virgi-" I cut myself off, taking another tissue to wipe my nose.

Zayden and Jack were both furious.

"We let that ungrateful fucker into our group, and this is what he does?" Zay spit.

Sarah sat quietly, her hands resting in her lap as she was in deep thought, then she finally spoke up for the first time, "Lucas shouldn't have said that about your sexuality. He has no right." She was calm but had a stressed expression on her face. "What crappy timing, we literally spent all week planning the best way for you to finally ask him out. Seriously, what's with this weird timing..."

Zay began to shout in anger, "So what?! He completely lost it after four days? It's only been four fucking days. If he didn't even bother to talk with you and work things out, then that's on him!"

I knew Zay was only mad because Lucas made me cry, he had never held a grudge against the other boy. Not like I had.

"Shit, this is so fuuucked," Jack huffed as he ran both his hands through his blonde hair. "I thought Lucas was super chill, I don't get why he'd say that kind of stuff to you."

"He said so much more... but I can't remember, there was just so much going on and it was out of nowhere. I feel like I wasn't even there when it happened," I spoke, trying to recall all of Lucas' words, but all I could think about were the digs he made at me.

'FUCK! Were you just faking it all!? Did you just pretend to like me so that I would help you find your dad? Aren't you just using me to get what you want!?' Lucas' words echoed in my head.

I always put on a fake face in front of others, but not once have I done that with Lucas. I've never felt like this about someone before, but he didn't even give me a chance to explain... to tell him how I felt.

"No," I said, tears staining my face but the emotions being replaced by irritation and rage, "He doesn't get to just say whatever he wants!"

I was steaming, "Faking it? He's the whole fucking reason I'm gay in the first place!" I stood up from the couch and started pacing, throwing hard hand gestures to convey my anger. "If he thinks I'm messing with him so that he'll help me find my dad, then why the hell would I tell him every last one of my secrets?! Things I've never even said aloud before! He tells me I should get with a girl because I'm just playing him? That I'm not gay despite having sex with him? Fuck, I trusted him and he just takes everything I've given to him mentally and turns it on me?? He knew how hard it was for me to open myself up to him!"

"What did I do that was so wrong for him to lash out? All I wanted was to plan a date, all I wanted was to finally ask him out! But no, he had to go after my sexuality. Who does he think I am? Does he think I'm so stupid that I can't tell the difference from being attracted to guys and girls?" I seethed. "Lucas himself is gay, so why would he say something so homophobic?"

I don't regret hitting him, that asshole fucking deserved it.

--------

Should I get up? Should I not get up?

Should I lay here, or should I go back inside?

Why didn't he tell me I was wrong?

Why didn't he explain that it was I who was mistaken?

Why?

Why?

Why?

Was I really right? Did I actually hit the nail on the head? Is that why he hit me? Was it because he got caught?

I just... I don't understand. No matter how hard I think about it, I don't understand what exactly I did so wrong for everything to always turn out this way.

What did I do to deserve so much isolation in my life? What did I do for me to always be alone?

I slowly stood up from my position, wobbly, and trying to keep my balance.

My head hurts from when Kai punched me and I hit the ground.

My heart hurts from when Kai didn't deny the things I had hoped so, so much were not true.

I slowly walked back inside, tears no longer falling, yet it was obvious I had been crying.

The first thing I was met with was my self-righteous mother, "Lucas? Oh my god, what happened to your face?" She ran over to me and cupped my face, turning it from side to side, looking at the dark marks made from Kai's fists.

I pushed her hands off, dismissing her, "Nothing, mom."

"Was it Kai? Did Kai do this to you?" She questioned, placing her hands on her hips.

"It doesn't matter," I told her.

"What did you do this time?" She scolded me.

Me? What did I do?

I furrowed my brows, backing away from her, "What do you mean, 'what did I do?'"

"What did you do to Kai to make him hit you?" She spoke as if it was obvious.

I let a laugh void of happiness but rather filled with astonishment at her absurd statement, "Right, because everything is always my fault! It's always me! I'm the fuck up, I mess everything up!"

"What are you talking about Lucas?! What did you do to that sweet boy?"

"You know what?" I pointed my finger at her, "You two are the exact same! All either of you wanted was to use me!!"

"Use you? You are my son! I have never used you, that doesn't even make sense!" She yelled back.

"Then tell me, name one time when you weren't using me," I seethed, my whole body tense. "You're son? That's really funny. You've never once treated me as your son! You used me as a substitute for dad!"

I stopped yelling, "I'm not having this conversation with you. We already talked about this... but I guess you were just ignoring me too."

I started walking away from her but my mom grabbed my wrist and tugged me back, "Don't you dare walk away from me, Lucas! You are going to stay right here and explain yourself, I will not take this disrespect!"

"What about me? What about all the ways you've disrespected me? Do you think that you deserve respect just because you gave birth to me? I never asked to be born! I never wanted to be here! It's like you only had me to take care of your issues! I filled dad's role, I worked, I took care of your kids, I did your job when you weren't there! And because of that I had no one, I had no time for anything else! You only ever came to me asking for help. Lucas, can you pick up another shift, I need help covering the bills. Lucas, can you watch your brothers and sisters, pick them up from school, take them to their activities, make food for them, tuck them into bed, and read until they fall asleep?" I screamed at her, my face red from anger. "Where the fuck were you?!"

"Lucas, can I talk about my issues? I have so many things I'm worried about and I could use some advice. Lucas, don't bother having a life of your own, you need to take care of my kids."

"That... those are the only things you've ever said to me, and if I forgot to do one little thing you'd yell at me! Calling me irresponsible and selfish! Tell me, in what way have you not used me?!"

"You constantly dumped all of your issues onto me but not once, not once did you ask me about my problems, about what was on my mind. If I was stressed or If I needed help... If I was happy. Fuck, do you know that I've never had a single friend?" I couldn't control the messy tears that littered my entire face.

"Do you know why? Cause I was so fucking busy playing mom and dad that I didn't even have time! I tried so fucking hard, but I had so much going on in my life because of you, that everyone dropped me the second I started talking about my issues! Why, because everyone is so fucking selfish, just like you!"

"You constantly worried about Kalen, Kaleb, Alice, and Tallie! You always ask how they're doing, if they need help with school, you know their friends and their friend's parents, you support them in anything and everything they do. But what about me!? I'm your child too so why is it just me!? Why do they get to live their lives but I can't live mine!? I'm only 17 but I've spent half my life acting like a single parent!"

My voice calmed and I regained some of my composure, "So go ahead, yell at me some more. Call me selfish. Tell me that I let you down again. I'm so done with you and everyone and everything. I'm done paying the bills. I'm done playing parent. I'm done pretending to be your therapist. I'm not some pushover, I've taken all of your shit for so long...but this is it. This is the last time."

I didn't look at her face, but I knew she was dumbstruck by my words. I had left her completely speechless.

I stormed into my room. I didn't know what to do so I paced around, looking at my bed and at my desk. I couldn't decide between watching a show so that I wouldn't have to think about my issues or if I should go to sleep early and pretend my problems don't exist.

Today was a day where I kept nothing to myself. I shared everything in my head and it felt good. Although the reason I even had to say those things in the first place made me feel like shit.

I needed to cool off, but I was so tired after everything that's happened the past couple of days.

I decided to lay down on my bed, but the second my head hit my pillow I felt a sharp stinging sensation.

Oh, right. The back of my head was bleeding. I should really get up and clean it. I should, but everything hurts. My head, my face, my eyes, my throat, my body, my heart. I want it to stop hurting. I want to speed up time and fast-forward my life. I don't know if there will ever be a time when I'm happy. If I'll ever find a place where I belong. And if I'll ever find people who truly appreciate me.

My endless thoughts swirled in my mind, making a chaotic mess in my head. I fell asleep to the depressing thoughts, fully aware that I couldn't fast-forward and that things would never change. I would always be stuck.

I awoke the next morning to the creaking of my door, Kalen standing in his pajamas, another pair it looked like he had stolen out of my closet.

My room was dark and the light from the hallway burned my dry, swollen eyes. I squinted, shielding my face, "What do you want?" I asked him.

He walked over to my side and yanked my arm away from my face, "Get up, dipshit," he spoke lightheartedly as he tugged me off of my bed.

I was now standing, walking behind Kalen as he dragged me down the hall to the bathroom. He shoved me inside after turning on the lights and then closing the door behind him. He pushed me so that I was sitting on the lip of the toilet. I watched curiously, confused by his actions.

He bent down, squatting as his knees made a loud cracking noise. He was unfazed and continued to rummage through the cabinet, taking out the first aid kit.

He grabbed wipes as well as disinfectant, "Look down, you have blood all over the back of your head and neck."

I didn't say anything and listened to him. I winced as he began to wipe the blood away while simultaneously cleaning the cut.

"I can try to put a bandage on it, but it might not stay because of your hair," He spoke as he had already begun moving chunks of hair away from the bloody spot.

He somehow managed to put it on, covering a large portion of my head with some hair falling over the top.

"Thanks," I mumbled.

As Kalen was putting the stuff away, he spoke without looking at me, "Do you hate me too?"

I guess he heard what I said last night, the whole house probably did.

I let out a laugh, "No, I don't. I don't hate any of you... I was just so tired of mom walking all over me."

"You know you can always talk to me right? Even though I'm sarcastic, I'm not as judgemental as you may think," Kalen spoke in a soft and caring voice.

It was weird seeing him like this. It's rare for him to say anything without sneaking in a snarky comment here and there.

I chuckled and ruffled his hair, "You don't need to be so serious. It's okay. I'm okay."

A bright smile appeared on his face, "Well in that case, can you give me a ride to school?"

"Are you serious, after all that?" I scoffed, Kalen really did know how to lighten the mood. "Not a chance, I'm not going today?"

"Come on, pleaseee," he gave me puppy dog eyes.

"Is this not different from what I was talking about last night?" I asked, but my tone wasn't serious. He was playing with me, simply trying to make me feel better in his own, strange way.

"Of course not. I, Kalen Beck, am trying to help you further your educational career," He placed a hand on his chest, puffing it out and looking very proud.

I couldn't help but smile back, "Fine, I'll give you a ride," I shook my head laughing as Kalen pumped his fist into the air.

School was the last place I wanted to be, yet here I was, standing in the hallway at my locker as people passed, staring at my face and bandage. They were all gossiping, wondering how I got all these wounds when this week's Mad Dog fight hasn't even happened.

Every single person's eyes were on me.

"He looks like shit."

"I wonder what happened to him.

"Do you think he picked a fight with someone?"

Ah, that's right, it's always my fault. Even the people who don't know me can tell.

I didn't move from my spot, not even when the bell rang. I stared at the floor, my mind going 100 miles per hour thinking about how badly I wanted to be anywhere but here.

Most of the kids had rushed off to their classes, leaving me and a few stragglers left in the walkway.

I wasn't paying attention, but then I noticed several pairs of familiar shows. Sarah, Kai, Jack, and Zayden were all walking to their classes together.

I whipped my head up to look at the four, I made eye contact with Zay and the look in his eyes caused my body to shake.

What was that look?

Hate? Disgust? Both?

Kai didn't even look at me, he was completely ignoring me. Just like he had all week.

This was the last reminder I needed.

This was really it.

I had no friends. I had no one.

If people aren't using me, then they hate me. If they don't hate me, then they simply do not care.

It hurts.

Why does it hurt so badly?

Why does it feel like my mind is shattering into a million different pieces and my heart splitting apart?

So it wasn't just Kai who was faking it... His friends were playing me just as much as he was.