"You're family really does go all out on Christmas Eve." Knox said as soon as we got to my room for the night.

"I did give you a warning earlier."

After Lucas and Annie won Pictionary, we moved to a game the girls could play. We ended up playing Uno, Old Maid and Go Fish for the next hour and a half until both parents announced it was time to take the girls home. They of course didn't want to leave but as soon as the word Santa was said they were out the door.

The rest of us helped clean everything up, and by rest of us I mean Olivia and I, before we all decided to go to bed. No doubt my mom would be getting us up early for Christmas. We may all be well into our 20's but my mom still gets us up early to open presents. Plus Lucas and Annie already promised the girls they'd be over here first thing in the morning.

"I didn't think it would be this much." He held up the ugly sweater my mom fortunately let him take off soon after pictures.

"Don't deny it you loved it!" I grinned at him over my shoulder as I headed for the bathroom. I know Knox enjoyed himself tonight. Yeah my family may be loud and a bit crazy at times but that's just who we are. And as much as Knox didn't want to admit it he enjoyed being in the middle of the chaos tonight.

When I came out of the bathroom Knox was in the middle of taking his shirt off. Every time I saw him shirtless I felt like a teenager seeing a hot guy shirtless for the first time. He was slightly turned away from me so I was getting the perfect view of both his back and front. The way he pulled off the rest of his shirt made the muscles in his back contact and the sight of it. The only word that came to mind was drool worthy.

My eyes were drawn to the tattoos that littered his body. The ones that lined his chest and ribs caught my attention and I badly wanted to know what they were. My fingers twitched at my sides wanting to go over there and run them across the tattoos. He threw his shirt off to the side and turned fully towards me. I couldn't stop myself from asking.

"What are your tattoos of?"

"Oh these." He glanced down at the ones on his chest. "This one," He pointed to the symbol on his left peck. "is the Marine's symbol. And this says 'Move mountains or die trying'." He touched the quote that was on his ribs.

My feet moved on their as I stepped closer to get a better look. Both tattoos were extremely well done and looked to be a bit older.

"When did you get these done?"

"About a year after I joined."

"And what about these?" At this point my hands were on their own, running the tip of my index finger down the tattoos of his arm. I felt his arm muscles bunch under my finger as I traced an owl that wrapped around his bicep.

"Most are just random ones I've gotten over the years. A few I got while I was plastered." I grinned at the thought of Knox getting drunk.

We stood there quietly as my finger kept tracing his tattoos. I wasn't even sure what I was doing but I did nothing to stop it and neither did he. It wasn't until my finger moved over to his chest and grazed over the scar I saw the other day. As soon as my finger touched it Knox flinched away. The way he flinched made me snatch my hand back immediately.

"I-I'm sorry I didn't....I didn't hurt you did I?"

"No I..." For the first time Knox seemed unsure. I wanted him to tell me what happened to cause the scar but I didn't want to push to hard either.

"It's okay you don't have to." I shook my head. "It's not my place." I forced myself to take a step back even though I wanted to reach out to him.

When he didn't say anything I knew I had gone to far. Swallowing thickly I moved towards the bed. Stupid Aubrey why do you always have to prod at things that you shouldn't.

"I got hurt almost a year ago." Knox suddenly spoke right as I was about to sit. His back was still turned to me but he kept talking. "I was out on a mission with my team. We were scouting a neighboring town when they attacked. "

My breathing hitched in my throat at his words. Knox's back was tense and his hands were curled into fists at his sides.

"They came from no where. We managed to hold them off pretty well until one snuck up behind me. I turned and he stabbed me right in the shoulder, if I hadn't he would have pierced my heart from the back."

I didn't think I just reacted as I moved across the room, sliding around to the front of his body and pressed myself into him. I wrapped my arms around his bare torso as I gave him a hug, my cheek pressed to his chest. He surprised me when his arms came up to wrap around my lower back, holding me tight against him.

"I was running on pure adrenaline and it wasn't until the targets had been eliminated did I notice I had been stabbed. Ended up in the hospital with the rest of my team. We all barely made it out of there." I could hear how thick his voice got as he talked. "About a week later I retired."

I didn't know what to say. The fact that he was stabbed was just...there were no words. Not knowing what to say I said the one thing I could.

"At least you have a cool scar." I mumbled into his chest. He let out a loud laugh as his arms squeezed around me.

I stayed in his arms like that, neither of us making any moves to pull away. All I could focus on the fact that his body fit perfectly against mine. Where I was soft he was hard.

I could hear his heart beating as I kept my head against his chest. One of his hands moved up under the hem of my sweater and was softly grazing at the skin of my back. I could literally stay like this forever. There was something about being held by him that made it feel like I was home.

A sudden reminder came to mind as we continued on hugging. I knew I had to tell him. I already felt enough guilt and if I kept this in I would feel even worse.

"I have something to tell you." I mumbled. Knox stayed quiet as I continued. "Olivia told me...she told me about your parents."

I felt him tense up under me. I bit my bottom lip as I waited for his reaction. I wasn't quite sure how he was going to react but it wasn't like I dug around for the information.

"I didn't want to hide that I know." I added when he still didn't say anything.

"How long have you known?"

"When we went to the bakery yesterday. She was talking about school and how your parents went to Dartmouth and it sorta came up." I rambled.

"Aubrey." The sound of my name made me pull back enough so I could look up at him. "I'm not angry that you know." At his words my shoulders instantly relaxed.

"I'm sorry." I met his eyes. "I'm really sorry." I always hated it when people told me meaningless sorry's so I hoped he could see I truly meant it. I can only imagine half of the pain him and Olivia were going through.

"Thank you." His voice came out softly and by the look on his face my words meant more than he could say. "I also need to tell you something."

Just like he did moments before I tensed.

"Your brother told me what happened with your dad and...you."

I knew it was coming it was just a matter of who would eventually tell him. There was no way he wouldn't find out what happened even if I kind of wanted him not to know. I didn't want to see the sympathy or hear the 'it wasn't your fault speech'.

"Figured Jackson would be the one to tell you."

"Why didn't you tell me you donated your kidney to help save him?" There was no hurt in his voice, just curiosity.

"Because." I pulled out of his hold and took a step back. "Even though I donated it didn't help."

"But it did, you gave your father 4 more months to live."

"I delayed the inevitable." I shook my head. "I gave him four more months of hope before it was snatched away." I spat the word, saying exactly what I felt for the first time since he passed. "Hope that he was finally better after so long. That's even worse than if he hadn't gotten a kidney at all."

Tears sprang to my eyes and I angrily wiped them away.

"Aubrey." Knox reached out for me but I jerked my arm away.

"I killed him Knox. If I hadn't given him my kidney he could have gotten another one and that one could have worked better."

All the words I had been holding in were suddenly now spewing out. All my feelings I have been harboring for a year.

"You don't know that."

"It doesn't matter. He should have gotten better." My eyes and throat burned. I could feel a small panic attack coming as my emotions crashed into me like wave. The wall I had built around me was suddenly crumbling and Knox was going to be front and center to see it.

"Aubrey." My eyes were blurry as a hand grabbed my arm. I had no energy left as Knox pulled me back into his chest, his hold on me tight. One hand was wrapped around my waist and the other was at the back of my head.

As soon as I came in contact with him all the tears I have held back the last few months came out. I clung to him as I sobbed properly for the first time since my dad passed.

Knox just stood there letting me cling to him, occasionally whispering that it was okay while rubbing my head and back. And my emotional self just cried harder.

Finally after a good ten minutes of me literally crying all over Knox my sobs subsided. It took me another minute to realize how I just acted. Immediately embarrassment washed over me and I made the move to pull away from Knox.

"Hey." His voice and the fact that his grip tightened made me pause. "I need you to listen to me." His hand moved out of my hair and came down to grip my chin, tilting my head back.

"You did not kill your dad, he was sick and had been sick for a long time." I went to move head from his grip he pressed his fingers in a tad bit harder. "You donated your own kidney fully knowing the recovery time for yourself would be hard. You did it to save your dad who in turn got four more months. Four months of being with his family while being himself. He didn't have to sit in some hospital bed dying."

His words had a bite to them as he spoke.

"I may not have known him but I know for a fact he was happy to be given a piece of himself back. That is a gift Aubrey. A gift you gave your father, not a death sentence. You can't keep blaming yourself for something out of your control." Once more my eyes started tearing up at his words.

"You need to accept the things you can't control" His voice came out softer. "I understand that you miss him. I miss my parents every goddamn day but I know if I let myself hang onto the fact that they aren't here anymore I can't do what they would want me to. You can't let yourself be unhappy when he would want you to be. And you can't keep pushing your family away. They don't blame you for any of it."

His words hit my heart but instead of making it hurt more I felt a calm settle over me. He was right. I was holding onto all this pain and guilt and the only thing it was doing was hurting me and my family.

I wasn't going to immediately get over the guilt or the sadness when it came to my dad but I could stop making myself miserable.

I slowly nodded as he kept his gaze on me.

"Thank you." My voice came out all gravely from crying so hard.

"You deserve to be happy Aubrey." His thumb came up to wipe a tear off my face.

Despite the serious situation I found myself saying,

"At least I have a cool scar too."

Knox stared down at me for a full second before he started laughing and I followed after. We stood there in the middle of my room laughing loudly with each other.

"Yeah at least you have a cool scar."