➵

DENIAL

the first morning without you i saw the ghost of you sit down at our kitchen table, pouring yourself a cup of black tea. i watched as you stared with a dispassion at the blank wall opposite you that was once filled with photos of you and i.

you never said a word to me.

(i took the pictures down so wouldn't have to remind myself of what we once had)

two weeks later, i managed to finally leave our apartment and get some air.

lisa proposed i loosened up a bit and she took me to a bar. i hated it.

people laughing and having the time of their life, while guilt consumed my aching chest.

at the mention of your name, i stood up and left.

almost crashed my car on my way home.

(i sat at the steering wheel and wished you would come back, for

i've never hated being so alone since you left)

with everyone's expectations on my shoulders, it was getting hard to breathe. sometimes i couldn't even sleep but when i did, it was always about you.

waking up in the middle of the night in cold sweat, i remember that you're not here. but nonetheless, i close my eyes and try to fall back asleep, remembering to stay on my side of the bed.

in case you ever came back.

(i wish i could tell you how much you meant to me)

DEPRESSION

the day of your burial was the only day i remember vividly after your death. i woke up, empty, your mother had asked me to wear one of your dresses, but i couldn't bring myself to look into your closet.

muffled cries filled the air as the priest said his words. relatives held your mother's hand as tears rimmed her eyes.

it soon hit me that you were gone, actually gone. i won't ever get to see your smiling face again, i'll never hear your honeylike voice, whispering sweet nothings into my ear.

and i'll never get to say goodbye again.

(i wish i could be happy)

ACCEPTANCE

(i think i still

need more time

for the acceptance

part to sink in.

it might take months,

even years perhaps.

but i hope the grief

will not settle in

my chest, the way

you settled in my

heart.)