Once I'm out of Emitt's eyesight, I pull myself against the nearby wall of the hallway as I try to catch my breath.

Taking deep, staggered breaths I look at the wallpaper with blurred eyes. I sink down as my trembling legs gave out below me, my body suddenly too heavy with the weight of past dilemmas dragging me down.

Why did Emitt have to chase this subject so hard? Why couldn't he just let me be?

Maybe we should just tell him? - Tobias says in a low whisper.

I reply burying my face in my hands.

It'll break him - He corrects making my heart contract. He'll keep digging until he finds it out from someone who isn't you.

I reply in a disheartening whimper.

Me too - He replied before fading away without another word.

It seemed like every time my parents rolled up, new problems appeared alongside them. I knew I couldn't blame them but I couldn't help but wish that they didn't come.

How would I even start this conversation with Emitt? It'd end with him in tears, locking himself in a room as he blamed himself for my own decisions.

The loud scream of my mother, calling for my presence makes me sniff a bit as I stand quickly, ignoring how shaky my legs were. I take deep breaths as I wipe my tears away, trying to pull myself together. I knew it'd be hard to get through this, but talking to Emitt after would be much harder.

Goddess help me.....

---------------------

I say my final goodbyes to my parents, mustering up a smile somehow to hide the fear in my eyes. I didn't want to talk about it, to ever relieve it, but I'd have to.

"I hope we see you all soon." My father says hugging everyone without hesitation.

"That's be nice." Emitt says softly, his eyes didn't meet my father's but I knew it took a lot out of him to say that. My dad seemed to appreciate it as he smiled widely in response.

"Until next time then?" My mom says after pinching Amelia's cheeks softly.

"Until next time." I confirm giving her a weak smile. She squinted slightly, sensing my discomfort, I give her a nod to ease her. She returns the gesture, though a bit skeptical before pulling my dad away with some final goodbyes.

Walking inside after closing the door, we don't bother to make small talk as we walk further into the house.

Amelia walked between us quietly, her eyes darting between the two of us nervously. No doubt picking up on the tension between the two of us.

"Daddy." She calls gently, as if she was scared to disturb the uncomfortable silence.

"Yes baby." Emitt answers with a smile as he squats down to her level.

"Can I go play with Damon?" She asks making our eyes widen in shock. She hated that kid more than Aiden hated Julian back in highschool.

"Why?" I ask trying to process her request logically.

"Because you and dad need to talk." She says offering us a heartwarming smile. "And I don't want to trouble."

"Oh princess, you don't have to go." I say gently as I run my through her hair. Sometimes I forgot how old my little girl was with her uncanning maturity that exceeded her age. How she sensed the mood of people and acted without hesitation in everyone's favour.

"I do." She says rubbing Emitt' s knuckles like if she was the adult comforting a child. "Promise you'll be good when I come back."

"Promise." Emitt says much to my surprise.

Before I know it, we're giving our little girl over to Julian who came immediately since Emitt told him it was important.

She gives us a little wave before sending us a cheeky wink as Julian buckles her into the car seat and drives away.

Emitt and I look at each other for the first time since the kitchen, his eyes swimming with anticipation and clear nerves. We remain silent as we stared at one another for some time.

I don't know who moved first, but somehow I found myself walking to our bedroom with hands connected through intertwined fingers and a hovering silence.

Once inside our large, master bedroom, I detach myself from Emitt and walk further into the room. Suddenly feeling closterphobic with a need for space that seemed to escape me.

Emitt closes the door behind us gently, I don't bother to face him as I looked outside the bedroom window that I once stared out of all day.

The ground below now white with snow that the winter season brought as the days grew colder. I sat at this window for days on end in between the years, watching the seasons come and go. Watching life pass me by without the will to even move.

Looking outside, I try to settle my racing heart as I feel Emitt approaching me carefully. As if I was glass that would cut him if he dared to step on me.

"There was a time when I sat here for days on end, not moving, not eating. Just looking....looking at that spot........where my life fell apart." I say softly as my eyes stayed glued to the daunting place in the ground where I once sobbed on my knees. The place were I lost him. "When I found out about Amelia, that's when I really fell apart. That's when everything became darker, colder, lonelier...... That's when I truly lost everything, because I lost myself."

-------Flashback-------

[There should be a GIF or video here. Update the app now to see it.]

Opening my eyes, I was immediately drowned by regret and pain like every other day but today was worse. Today the tears flowed without warning, today my heart seemed as tired as I was with beats that were strained. Today I didn't only have trouble breathing, today I suffocated.

Today was his birthday.

I stare at the ceiling with silent sobs as my heart contracted in agony, examples of my selfinflicted misery coating my now paled cheeks.

I don't bother trying to get up. I wouldn't. It'd just make things worse......if that was even possible.

I was hungry but I couldn't hunt today. I felt weak and my bones brittle, like I'd crumble if I only stood up.

I deserved to starve anyway.

I deserved this pain.

I deserved to be alone.

I deserved it all.

I deserved to d-

No. - Tobias says firmly though his voice sounded just as broken as I was.

I don't bother replying as I let myself sink further into my mattress, into myself.....into the darkness.

"Beckett." My mother says in a tense tone. "You can't stay in bed all day."

I don't bother replying as I keep my eyes to the ceiling. I stopped talking completely, conversing without his witty replies to follow was just too painful.

Everything was too painful.

"At least eat something or take a quick shower." She encourages as she moved closer to me. "Beckett please...are you even listening......Beckett...."

She leaves when she begins to cry. I didn't have the energy to console her, I didn't have the energy to do anything.

Then why are you still here...

I shut my eyes tightly at the harsh voice that attacked me with no remorse.

Leave...

I groan slightly as I hold my head tightly, trying my best to flush out the voice that continued to whisper words of end to me.

Had I finally gone crazy?

Was that it?

The voice fades away thankfully allowing me to release a stressed breath. I didn't need the thoughts I kept buried to make an appearance, if I did....I don't know what I'd do.

My parents continue to visit me. Checking if I was still breathing, the thought of losing their only son, their Beta, probably too much for them.

They treated me like shit in the first few months. They still sent me looks of disapproval when they thought I wasn't looking. I was too shattered to care, to notice or to try and fix it.

I was beyond repair.

The day continues slowly, dragging each second on longer than neccessary, purposefully lengthening the period of my despair....like if I didn't do that to myself enough.

When the afternoon sun breaks through my desolate room, my eyes finally leave the ceiling as I look outside. I could only catch a glimpse of the autumn leaves that the earth wore like a coat.

Finding a lost piece of life within myself, I sit up slowly, ignoring the way my ribs tightly rubbed against my skin. I knew I was smaller, much smaller than I wished myself to be but I couldn't will myself to change...to try.

Letting my legs slip over the edge of the bed, I take a deep breath as I look down at the thinned bones that had become my legs. Lifting my eyes to the wall before me, I press against the nightstand for support as I stand to my feet. An unforgiving scream threatening to escape me as my forgotten body begged me to lay back down, to return to my daily state of waste taking up space.

I took a step forward nevertheless. Letting myself burn in the terrorizing agony that I brought onto myself. I brought it onto myself and as such, deserved the pain. I deserved it all.

Eventually, I find myself at the dirty window. Gasping for any form of energy to fuel my dissipating body, it was tired. I was tired. But nothing came to me, I choked on my own lungs and no one helped. No one tried to help.

No one was there to help.

Not the person I wanted anyway.

Pulling a chair before the window, I sit down with a slight cough, feeling twenty years older than I knew I was.

My eyes danced over the outside world, I hadn't left my house in months and the sudden vibrancy of the natural world took me by surprise.

The habitats eluding life that shone beyond my walls haunting and daunting to me. An outside world I was once a part of now completely foreign to me.

I wondered if the air smelt different out there. If the colors were brighter. If the things that remained were more pleasant.

Would my life be more pleasant?

.....or would it still be dull and brimming with guilt.

Probably.

My eyes continue to dance around in awe and fear as I took it all in at once. They halt however on a random space in the middle of the large field beyond my house. Squinting I try to pick up on the details around it but failed to fine anything special.

There was nothing particularly different about the space, so why was my heart racing and Tobias whining.

It was laced with leaves of orange, red and brown like everywhere else. With trees all around it, a few standing out as they were much larger. They seemed to touch the sky and I couldn't draw my eyes away from the massive beings as they danced in the wind. Their leaves performing a heartwretching dance in the wind as the begged for their lives.

The wind.

Strong. Violent. Aggressive.

Suddenly I was launched back into the day that I lost it all. My mind flashing between reality and memory as I found myself on my knees and then in my chair.

"How could you.." He cried above me as he looked down at me with distraught eyes that didn't lessen my guilt in any way.

I grip my head tightly as I try to stop my body from shaking the way it was.

"I loved you!" He screams with a sob.

The sound of his cries forcing a sob of my own out of me as I choke on all the resurfacing emotions.

"You never acccepted me! Never!"

I tried to push myself away from the window, to distance myself away from the space that was triggering this onslaughter of emotions.

As my mind flashed between reality and past indiscretionancies, I lost my footing, finding myself on the ground as my world shifted all around me.

My eyes blurring as I was pushed to my knees before him as he cried his pain at me. My mind shouting at me to escape as Tobias howled loudly in complete dispair.

It was too much.

Too loud.

Too real.

Too physical.

Too much.

When it all becomes too loud, I open my mouth for the first time in years releasing a blood curling scream that made my ears ring and my world shake. Letting it all go, I release all I can trying to drown out the memories of him and all we were, all we had, what we made....who we made.

When my voice silences itself I open my eyes shyly, unsure of what I would find.....who I would fine. I let out a shaky breath when my eyes find only the polished, wooden floor of my bedroom, the day's light source replaced by the night's.

When I finally gain control over my body and there were no voices to be heard, I pulled myself to my feet and rushed to the bathroom. Ignoring the now dull pain that it came to me when I walked.

Scrambling to put on the light, I rush to the steep, sink basin, drowning myself in the cold water that shocked me back to life. Relishing in the unforgiving cold, I let myself soak in the chilled liquid.

I take off the water before chancing a glance at my reflection.

What I found was disheartening.......depressing. Eyes of something dead rested above two large dark bags than dragged my face down. My skin sunk into my bones as I now homed two hallow cheeks.

What's the point....

Oh God no.

It only hurts. There's only pain.

The voice slurs in my head, completely capturing my entire being.

Just end it.

"Please leave me alone." I groan out desperately. My voice only scaring me further than my thoughts already had.

Nobody loves you.

Julian does.

Does he?

He does. Sure he'd been busy lately but he was an alpha and a father. He couldn't always come visit.

But he doesn't come at all.

When was the last time he visited?

I strained my brain to remember but the time seemed nonexistent.

See....nobody loves you.

Why should they?

He loved you.

"Stop." I groan gripping my head tightly.

But you didn't love him.

That's not true.

You didn't accept him.

I did.

Then why did he leave.

I found myself unable to respond as I supported myself against the bathroom counter. My face dripping with sweat now as my mind went completely blank.

You didn't deserve him....

"I don't deserve him." I whisper to myself.

It was right.

Nobody loved me.

He left me.

I didn't deserve him.

I hold my chest tightly as my heart began to beat faster, harder. Everything I felt went straight to my heart and it wouldn't go away.

The guilt.

The pain.

The sadness.

The loneliness.

Everything was injected straight into the source of it all and refused to fade away.

End it.

Let go.

Let yourself go.

I pulled myself to my feet and staggered my way to the door. Pushing myself further, I left my room for the first time, the air unexpectedly clearer.

What's the point of living?

I walked down the long hallway, my body supporting itself against the stone wall.

There's no one left.

No one.

They all left.

All of them.

You broke him.

I broke us.

I looked down at my hand when I found my knuckles scratching against the recently polished cutlery.

I dip my hand down, searching a bit before pulling out a large, sharp edged knife that tip shone under the moonlight.

My heart catches in my lungs when I realise what I'm doing. How far I'd come, driven by the thoughts of something I couldn't control.

It seemed like I had no control lately.

Over myself or my life, never the things in it.

Let go...

I couldn't.

Things were bad but they'd get better surely.

They won't. There's nothing left. No one.

I had Le-

You have no one.

......you had someone once.

Stop.

Emitt.

My chest tightens at the mention of his name, something I wasn't brave enough to say or think.

He loved you. He gave you everything and you let it go.

I cry into myself as my fingers tighten around the handle of the knife.

You hurt him......you always hurt him.

Every. Single. Time.

"Please..." I cry out desperately as my heart broke against my ribcage. I held the knife too close to my chest as I sobbed into myself, emotions I wish would die taking over me completely.

And the child.

My body freezes instantly.

Like they'd ever want a father like you.

Someone too scared of the world to accept those he loves.

Slowly. It beats slowly.

End it.

I begin to raise the knife.

If not for yourself.......for them.

I close my eyes as I push the elongated item straight into my chest, where I knew my heart was close to.

Relishing in the pain, I slide it up my skin, pushing it closer and closer to the place that caused all this in the first place and the one that would end it all.

-----------end of flashback----------

"I was close to reaching my heart when my parents found me." I say as I hold Emitts hand over my chest to show him I was still breathing.

I was okay now.

Somehow we'd found ourselves seated on the edge of the bed, the story of my darkest memory being told with absolute silence in reply.

He didn't say a word or move, but silent tears still laced his cheeks. Drowning him completely as he stared at me with clear regret and sadness. Emotions I knew would be there if I told him everything.

"Somehow I survived, call it the werewolf genes if you wish. After I was placed on suicide watch, they wouldn't let me spend a moment by myself. Scared I'd try it again if I was." I say with a sigh. "I didn't mean to do it, I don't think I really wanted to kill myself. I was just lost and I wanted a way out."

Looking at him, I find myself unable to mutter any further words as he stared at me sadly. Tears pouring out of him one after the other as he clenched onto my chest tightly.

When he saw that I was done, he began sobbing. Heart wrenching cries released from him as he broke down before me.

"I'm okay now Emitt. I'm happy." I say as I brush the hair from his eyes.

"I'm sorry..." He cries desperately. "I know I s-shouldn't be the one crying, b-but.....I'm sorry."

I don't reply knowing if I did, I'd break down as well.

I simply pull him into my chest, allowing him to bury himself into me as he sobbed apologises and pleads for forgiveness.

He held onto me with a grip too tight we became one, our bodies glued together as he poured out his soul before me.

"I'm a horrible mate." He sobbed once he's gained a bit more control over himself. He looked up as me, still tucked into my chest, his eyes red being dragged down by his wet eyelashes.

"You're the best mate." I correct with a smile as I wipe away his tears with my thumb. He opens his mouth to reply but I shush him quickly. "We've been through this these last few months, we both messed up....but it's okay."