March 2018

I have been on this voyage of restoring my mental and boy has it been hard. I have had to tap into uncomfortable memories so I could deal with them and find a way to move forward because those memories were chaining me to my past. The last six months have truly been life changing for me. I have finally found myself and that has been the most beautiful thing to experience. I used to immerse myself in work and my relationship and not take care of myself as I should have.

My physical being was well taken care of but my mind and soul were being neglected and I finally learnt to love my whole being. The same way pure gold is put in fire to be refined is the same way I have been refined through this whole experience. I never knew that loving yourself wholesomely felt this amazing and I'm glad Thembisa and I ended things otherwise I wouldn't have found myself had we stayed together.

I'm not saying everything I went through has been erased from my memory but I now know how to deal with my emotions better which has led to a significant change in my life. I have even gone back to painting and photography because it just gives me peace and contentment.

Another thing that has changed is my physical appearance. I have been working out a bit more which has earned me bigger biceps and more defined legs. I also decide to do the big chop and I'm now rocking a fade with sponge curls. I won't lie, I was attached to my dreadlock because I had them for a long time but I needed some change. At first I thought I would hate it but I like having shorter hair because it has been much easier to manage.

You're probably wondering about my love life, whether Thembisa and I are back together or if I have found someone else but the truth is I'm still single. I can't imagine myself with someone else other than Thembisa. We speak regularly because there's no bad blood there but I can admit that I miss her dearly. From her kisses to the way she would massage my hair and how she would make sure I was good all the time. I would like for us to give our relationship another shot but what I won't do is force her into anything when she isn't ready or if she does not want it.

In regards to my relationship with my father, there hadn't been any improvement there because I hadn't reached out to him yet. I didn't want to rush into having any type of relationship with him because I still had my reservations about him but I will give him another chance to explain himself before I decide what I want to do. I am meeting up with him today so we can have the talk and I am slightly nervous but I hope I can control my emotions when we speak.

I walk into the cafe and I find him sitting at the back with a cup of what I assume is coffee on the table. I order an Espresso with two croissants before I walk towards the table and he gives me a smile when he sees me coming. I take a seat across him and I remove my shades.

"Hi Kofi. It's good to see you again."

"Hi sir. You look good."

"Thank you, so do you. I was surprised when I got your call because I didn't think you would get back to me after all this time."

"I didn't think I would get back to you either but I came here so we could talk more calmly and lay everything on the table."

"Thank you for coming."

"I want to start off by talking about my childhood so you understand why I have resentment towards you. I'm not trying to make you feel bad, I just want to put you in the picture of what I experienced."

"Okay."

"When you left, mom and I started struggling even more than we already were. There are nights where all we had for dinner was sleep and it was painful. Watching mom struggle to pay the bills, to put food on the table and to take care of me made quickly grow up and realize that I had to be the man of the house and do what I had to do to support myself. But things took another turn when she started selling her body and the men she dated would abuse her and me. I ended up turning to drugs so I could cope with it and it almost cost me my life but somehow I managed to survive that ordeal. I got out of that place due to the scholarship I got but I carried those painful memories with me and it turned me into a cold man. Fast forward to about two years ago when I met this woman that I instantly fell for. We shared a deep, emotional connection but that fell apart when I returned to my old habits after your return."

"I am so sorry you had to go through those things. I would hate myself too if I were in your shoes because no child deserves to go through those things because of their selfish father. I would also like to apologize for ruining your relationship with my unexpected arrival."

"It wasn't your fault that my relationship ended. I can point my fingers at you for causing other things but not my relationship because that was my doing. I never allowed myself to heal from the things I went through because I found unhealthy coping mechanisms which were good at the time but I was setting myself up for failure. You coming back encouraged me to go talk to a professional because I no longer wanted to have that resentment inside me. I decided to meet up so I could hear your side of the story as well because I don't think the reason you gave the first time around was the real reason." I say and he takes a deep breath before he finally shares what I have been wanting to hear from the time he abandoned us.

"The truth is, I ran away because I wanted to start a new life with the woman who I had been having an affair with. She was a close friend of hers and she convinced me that she was better for me than your mother was and I believed her. I was too blinded by her looks to realize that she only wanted me for the money she thought I had. Your mother was a good woman and I'm pretty sure we would still be together had I not listened to that conniving woman. She sold me a dream of how we could run away, start a life together and I honestly thought it would work but I was sadly mistaken. We didn't even last two months because she realized that I didn't have much money."

"Why didn't you come back when things ended?"

"I felt ashamed and I didn't think you would allow me back into your lives considering how I left."

"We needed you, so there's no way on earth we would have chased you away because we still cared for you even though you abandoned us when we needed you most."

"I know and I'm sorry for leaving the way I did. I'm sorry for not being a good father. You could have had a better childhood had I not lost most of our money through gambling and if I had been a real man and stepped up to my responsibilities." I take a sip of my Espresso, taking in everything he just before I say anything.

"After hearing your truth I feel upset because it makes me feel like I wasn't good enough for you to stay. You were only thinking about starting a new life with this woman and not thinking about how that would affect me as your child."

"I have carried this guilt with me because I chose a woman over you and it has been haunting me for a long time. It's not that you weren't good enough, I was just selfish and immature quite frankly."

"So how did you end up here?"

"Work brought me here a few years ago and you're probably wondering why I didn't come sooner. Well I only heard about you close to a year ago and I was embarrassed by my actions in the past."

"I hope we can move forward because it would be nice to have some kind of family but we have to do it at my pace because I'm still hurt. You aren't off the hook but I want to give our relationship another try."

"I completely understand why you want to take things slow and thank you for deciding to give me this chance."

"You're welcome, I just hope you have good intentions that's all."

"I can assure that all I want is to have a relationship with you because you are all I have. How is your mother doing?"

"I haven't spoken to her since I left for college even though I tried to get ahold of her. I guess she didn't want anything to do with me."

"We were truly the worst parents."

"I mean it is what it is. I no longer want to focus on the past, I just want to move forward."

Life is truly unexpected as it brings so many twists and turns. Who would have thought that I would be sitting down having coffee with my father almost twenty five years after he left. Months ago this would have gone down in the Guinness World Records for something that would be impossible to do yet here we are. Don't get me wrong, I haven't forgiven him but today is the start of building our relationship after all, what will I lose if I have a relationship with my father? We spend the next hour getting to know each other and catching up because there's a lot of catching up to do. He seems genuine but that doesn't mean I will put my guard completely down because we could have a repeat of what happened.

I head home and as I'm watching a documentary, one of my bros calls asking me to go out to the club with him. I'm not a fan of clubs because they're loud, they reek of sweat and it's just not my scene so I say no at first until he hits me with the 'we haven't hung out for a while and we miss seeing you bro.' I say yes to going to the club because one night with the bros won't hurt.

I take a shower and moisturize using Old Spice products because I just love how they leave my skin feeling good. I settle for a black Polo golf tshirt with jeans and a pair of sneakers. I grab my sponge and fix my sponge curls before I finish getting ready. After spraying some cologne and putting on the tennis bracelet I received as a gift from Thembisa, I am ready for the guys night out. I make sure to switch off the tv before I grab my keys and head downstairs.

I push to start and engine comes roaring to life. For as long as I can remember I have always liked cars so being able to buy my dream car is truly a dream come true. I'm astonished when I look at myself because the boy whose probability of making it in life was low yet here he is because of the grace of God. 21 Savage's Issa Album plays as I drive to club, instantly making me get into a great mood. I put my car in park when I get to Club Onyx and pull down the visor so I can check myself once again.

I get out and I don't have to stand in line because I know the bouncer. I make my way into the club that has dancehall music playing, neon lights lighting up the place, different smells permeating in the air and a large crowd of people. I search for my friends who are in their own section upstairs. The section has an array of alcohol, there's hookah but I stick to some Coca Cola because I'm on an alcohol fast for lord knows how long.

I have been on this fast for about five months now simply because I feel I need a break from it. The music in the club creates a good vibe and I find myself enjoying being here more than I thought I would. From our section we can pretty much see everyone in the club and my bros point at some women they think are my type but I decline because there's only one woman on this earth that I want and she is not here.

As the night goes on, something or should I say someone finally catches my eye. She is dressed in a hot pink skin tight dress and her hair is in faux locs. She moves through the crowd with her friends and they come up to our section. We finally make eye contact and she has this look of bewilderment which lets me know that she was definitely not expecting to see me here.

Our friends know the state of our relationship so them bringing us together could only mean that it is a set up. Am I mad the brought us together without our knowledge? No, but it would have been nice to get a heads up from them so I would know how to approach the situation. There's nothing I can do now besides seeing what the night will bring and I hope it goes well.