This could go either one of two ways: I lose the girl of my dreams forever-because I'm a fuck up, I ruin everything good-or she gives me another chance. And after the text messages we exchanged last night, the ones before my mishap, I had hope that it would be the latter. I don't think I could go on any longer without seeing her or holding her.

I'm not even a hopeless fucking romantic, but for Aiyana? I'd be anything she wants me to be; I'd be at her beck and call. I'd walk through fire for her, because if there's anyone that deserves the best, it's her. She's always been so selfless, so giving, so caring and she had the biggest fucking heart and I want to show her that she deserves nothing but the best, has always been deserving of the best.

In fact, I don't know how I managed to get her to agree to lunch... In all honesty, I was expecting her to downright deny the offer, but she hadn't.

And that was a start.

I exhale harshly, eyes darting towards the screen of my phone, patiently waiting for Aiyana to turn up. I think I've fiddled with the sleeve of my shirt one too many times, unbuttoning and buttoning, repeating the process until a server had to tell me to settle down. It wasn't my proudest moment but fuck me for being so nervous.

The hand curled around the stem of the huge bouquet of flowers feels heavy and the longer I hold them, the longer the fear of abandonment settles in my chest. Index and middle finger tugging at the collar of my shirt, I drop my head, eyes snapping shut-shoulders following in suit in disappointment-ready to slump into my seat.

Until the sweet scent of pomegranates and Casablanca lily tickles my nose. Hi, Judah. I, um... I didn't mean to keep you waiting, sorry,her sweet voice is soft amongst the chatter.

And at the sound, my eyes snap open. I lift my head, eyes instantly zeroing in on her delicate features; from her brown eyes to the soft smile playing on her nude-painted lips, nose scrunching up as she does so.

Fucking hell, she's as beautiful as ever.

You look beautiful,I can't help but whisper, though I know it doesn't fall upon deaf ears. I'm glad you came, Aiyana.

A deep blush scatters across her cheeks, ducking her head until I'm left staring at the crown of her skull. Thank you... and believe it or not, I want to be here, Judah. Oh, and sorry for keeping you waiting, I got caught up in traffic.

God, could she get any more perfect?

It happens,I murmur, gaze trained on her small frame. I'm still here though. I'm not going anywhere.

I hope she knows that.

She nods in acknowledgment, ready to slip off her jacket. Though I stop her, remembering the bouquet of roses I'm holding. Her eyes flash in recognition, raising her brows in surprise at the sight. I grip the stem of the bouquet and stretch out my arm, stopping a few inches away from her body.

Aiyana simply releases a shaky sigh and it has me wondering if I've done or said something wrong.

For you,I say, tipping the flowers in her direction.

For me? They were for me?She repeats, settling her bag on the marble dining table before using both her small palms to grip the stem. Oh.

I refrain from flinching when her fingertips graze my own, her doe eyes wide and blinking up at me. I, uh... I couldn't decide which one to choose from, but I guess my accident worked in my favour. I hope... I hope you like them,I breathe out, words a little hopeful, a little nostalgic.

Aiyana smiles at me again, and I swear I feel my heart stop. They're beautiful, thank you! You didn't have to.

I wanted to.

The silence that befalls us is enough to have me wanting to scratch my eyes out, so instead, I choose to help her into her seat, placing her belongings beside me when I resume my position in front of her. Aiyana's attention is focused on her rings, fiddling with the piece of jewellery until I clear my throat.

Aiyana?I call out to her softly, not recognising the gentleness of my own voice, garnering her attention. I'm sorry.

Her brow twitches in confusion, pursing her lips at my apology. Judah, why are you apologising? We've been through this.

No, you don't understand,I shake my head. I'm sorry for treating you the way I did. I'm sorry for telling you that you weren't important to me-that was the furthest thing from the truth-because if I'm being honest... you were, are, my damn world. I'm sorry for projecting all my trauma onto you and hurting you. I never... I never thought I'd let myself hit an all time low, but here we are. I-I can't say sorry enough, because I know it'll never amount to all the hurt I've caused you.

When I don't hear a response, I'm afraid to look up. I don't want to see the look of dejection and hurt on her face; I don't think I could bare another moment of it.

But as always, Aiyana Sen is full of surprises.

Her hand reaches for mine across the table, settling her tiny palm against the top of my hands. I find myself instantly relaxing at her familiar touch, tense shoulders dropping when she gives me a gentle squeeze, a lopsided smile playing on her lips. She's perfect in more ways than one and more importantly, she's got a heart of gold.

I forgave you a long time ago, Judah... Please don't beat yourself up about it. You put your family first and that's okay,she reassured me, her thumb drawing circles on my skin. That was the right decision; besides, you're not the only one to blame-I just... I wish you would stop being so fucking hard on yourself. You need to stop allowing the pressure of being the model sibling get to you.

You don't understand,I breathe out, repositioning my hand over hers. I really fucking missed this. If I don't take care of them, who will? I don't-I don't have a support system, because I am the support system. I don't have a family to turn to for help when things go wrong... I know I shouldn't be so hard on myself, but I- I can't help it.

You're wrong,she says vehemently. You're wrong.

What do you-

When she raises her forefinger, I shut up. You do have a support system. You do have a family; you have Jai. You have Cobie and Kazuo. Arya and Isobel. Xena. Eunnie... you have me, Judah. Don't struggle alone, because what bothers you, bothers us. We don't need to be blood to be family, J.

But still-

She moves her forefinger from mid-air to hover above my lips, shaking her head in disappointment. There's a frown playing on her lips, I don't want to hear it. You're a good person with an amazing heart, I wish you knew that. I wish you could see what I see.

I'm not a good person, Aiyana. I hurt you,a huff of exasperation falls from my lips, slanting my head away in shame. I'm sorry, Aiyana. I really am, and I'm sorry for taking so long to say this. I don't think I can lose you again, and I know I don't deserve you. You deserve someone who can give you the fucking world, the moon and the stars... heck, someone who can give you the sun. You deserve someone that is so fucking unapologetically proud of you-someone that shows you off for who you are-because you don't even know it, Aiyana... but you're so fucking easy to love.

You deserve someone considerate and kind-someone like you-someone that won't hurt your feelings or make you cry. Someone that will love you the way you are, tiny stature and all-She releases a choked laugh at my last statement, eyes glazing over in an emotion I couldn't quite decipher. You deserve all the love this shitty world has to give, because you truly are beautiful. Inside and out. You deserve someone that'll remind you of your worth, that won't tear you down and push you aside. You deserve someone that stands by your side no matter what; someone that will listen and take care of you when things get ugly... someone that won't run away when things get hard.

I'm afraid to look up.

And I want to be that person. I want to be selfish when it comes to you, Aiyana Sen. You were the best thing to happen to me and I ruined that too. I want to be the one you kiss good morning and night; I want to be the one to hold your hand whenever you ride the tube. I want to be the person to wrap your scarf around you when you get too cold. I want to warm you up at night and keep you close. I want to be the one you annoy at five in the morning. I want it all, Aiyana. I want it all with you... but I fucked up. And I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I don't even realise a stray tear falls until I blink, eyes drilling into our interlinked hands. And in an instant, Aiyana's dainty palm cups my cheek, thumb swiping away the evidence.

Judah, look at me.

The commandment in her tone has my eyes snapping to meet hers.

Her feather-like touch swipes over my lips, settling on my jaw. I almost lean in to her touch. I don't want the moon or the stars, Judah. In fact, I don't want anything if it means I can't have you...

I want you, Judah. Only you.

bros i think i've forgotten how to write??

IG- friesandcries.wp