I shouldn't have tagged along with Valentino, because as soon as I stepped into the restaurant it was as if the atmosphere shifted. I couldn't quite put my finger on it, no. Not until Valentino came to a halt before me, standing still as he watched the scene before him unfold.

My eyes follow his source of interest, watching as they shift from the workers before us, to the table situated in the far end of the restaurant-it's hard to make out, but if you looked closely you'd be able to notice the two figures that sat opposite each other. His eyes widen in acknowledgment and when I spot exactly what he's staring at, I can't help but come to a stand still.

Fuck me, this was a bad idea.

On second thought, let's go,I hear Valentino say, hand gripping my upper arm as he attempts to pull me away. I knew you should've stayed at home,he kisses his teeth under his breath. Though I make no attempt to move, rooted in my spot when I see her.

She wears her hair down, silky waves cascading down to the middle of her spine-it doesn't take long for me to notice that she's cut her hair, lighter in colour too-as she rolls her neck, nimble fingers massaging her trapezius. Something I found she regularly does whenever her back was hurting, usually after a long day at placement; my fingers were itching to reach out to her, but I refrain.

I should look away. In fact, I should walk out, but the longer I watch her, the greater the need to be closer to her grows. But she's so fucking far away and it's all my fault. She giggles at something the tool in front of her says, raising her palm to her mouth when she glances away, and I can practically feel the ache in my chest growing.

It's been well over a month since I last saw her, but fuck me, it felt like an eternity. And during that time, I've had plenty of epiphanies-number one: I didn't realise a part of me was missing until her, until Aiyana. I'm incomplete without her.

Number two: She had my heart and she didn't even know it.

Number three: if I could turn back time, I'd make her mine.

Number four: home is wherever Aiyana was.

Number five: it doesn't, wouldn't, get any better than her. I was lucky enough to know her, but I royally fucked that up too.

And lastly, number six: I'd let her ruin me. I'd let her break my heart and you know what? After all I put her through, I'd be okay with it.

I don't notice her small frame standing inches from mine; eyes latching onto the scarf I once wrapped around her neck all those weeks ago, when I caught her on the street, attempting to return her journal. She plays with the frayed ends, tugging at the woolly material as she holds it close to her chest. I think she notices, tensing up when she flickers her gaze between myself and the scarf.

God, even the letter I wrote was a terrible idea. I should've spoken to her, not tell her how I fucking felt through a piece of paper.

Her shy gaze meets mine and at the action, I swear I feel the wind getting knocked out of me. She was so fucking beautiful, it physically hurt-her gorgeous brown eyes were wide and blinking up at me in disbelief-lower lip drawn into her mouth until she whispered a soft, Hi, Judah.

I shouldn't be here.

The words I want to say are stuck in my throat, mouth parting and closing pathetically as I stare down at her. I ignore her friend, in fact, I forget he's even there, because Aiyana has my attention. She's always had my attention. It's always been her; the first person I looked for in a crowded room, the first person to have my attention no matter what, the first person to make me feel loved. The first person to make me feel wanted, to feel like home and a warm night in.

Aiyana was my blessing.

And I fucked it up.

H- hi,I embarrassingly croak out, fingers rubbing the back of my neck.

There's no fucking way this is happening,Valentino grumbles under his breath, hands on his hips when he throws his head back in disappointment. Though I ignore him, like always.

Aiyana drops her head, hair curtaining her face. I drop my eyes to her hands, watching as she plays with the rings on her fingers-she's nervous.

Did I make her nervous? No, that can't be it.

You, uh... um, hi,she breathes out. Again.

God, she's so fucking cute.

My God, Aiyana. You've said that already,her friend snorts, leaning back into his chair as he watches the pair of us in amusement. Her cheeks flush in embarrassment, craning her head over her shoulder to glare at him.

There's so much I want to say to her; so many things I should've said to her in person, but I'm stuck here in limbo. Torn between making things right, or letting go. She deserves someone that won't question or hurt her like I did, and I don't think I can forgive myself for that.

We should get going. I didn't realise you'd be here, Aiyana... we only, uh, came to pick up our order. Jesmyn and Kenji are waiting on us,Valentino explains, nudging my side with an elbow harshly. I'll drop you a message, Yaya.

Her shoulders drop, stepping back in realisation. Oh, she mutters to herself, attempting to flash the two of us a smile. I, um... I'll see you around.

Valentino tugs at my arm, dragging me with him. I stumble at his sheer force, allowing him to do so; I shouldn't be here, but I didn't want to go.

I haven't told her yet.

this is terrible. sorry.

also there's like 10/15 chapters left :(