There's a nagging voice keeping me up at night; it stays with me until the crack of dawn and returns when the moon hangs well above us. All I want to do is sleep, but it's becoming more of a struggle as the days pass. And I'm beginning to feel the consequences of the lack of sleep.

When Leilani suggested going away for a few days, I was hesitant to accept. Now that I'm actually here-staring out the misty cabin windows and into the woods-I'm beginning to realise just how much of a mistake it was. The thought of leaving Jesmyn and Kenji, with the three idiots, didn't do much to relieve the stress settling in the back of my head.

It only made me worry more than I should've.

And judging my the number of calls that have gone unanswered, I know that my sisters and Valentino are getting fed up of my constant nagging. I know I should trust them, but it's kind of hard to when one sibling is a walking fire hazard, the other doesn't know her left from right, and the third can't seem to work a fucking toaster.

They're all useless.

Maybe if I drove back home right now it wouldn't be too late, before there's any collateral damage. I can't rest until I can see for myself that they're handling things well; it would also help if they'd pick up my damn FaceTime calls. And I know I was being a pain-in-the-ass, but I couldn't help it.

I was still on edge from the last time they were left alone; that, obviously, didn't end well. And sure, perhaps my siblings may even hate me for it, but their safety was my priority.

I couldn't risk that.

With an agitated sigh slipping through my parred lips, I stand up onto the balls of my feet. Fingers in my hair, I tug at the strands in frustration, pacing down my bedroom for the week. The oak wood flooring creaks beneath me with every step, an annoying reminder of the time I had left in Scotland.

Judah!I hear Jai's voice call out, drawing closer as he makes his way to my room. Food's ready!

Eventually, he pops his head into the room, eyeing my dishevelled appearance with scrutiny. I'm... I'm not hungry,I say, shaking my head with a tired grunt. Go ahead and eat without me.

I don't notice the way he pushes the door open, hands resting on top of the door frame and swaying on the balls of his feet, as he analyses me. You good, bro?

I'm great. Why?I say, nodding my head and running my palms down my face in agitation.

You look like shit,he says bluntly, stepping into the room. He glances around the bedroom, eyeing the wooden beams before placing his fisted hands on his hips. Ease up, let's talk.He motions for me to move over, taking a seat beside me-despite the glare I direct his way.

I raise an eyebrow in question, About what?

Jai shrugs. You look like your head is going to explode if you have to conjure up one more thought. What's on your mind, J?

Nothing!I insist with a frustrated huff, pinching the bridge of my nose with my middle finger and thumb. I don't know what you want me to say.

He raises his hands in defence and I almost feel bad, but the constant nagging and questioning was beginning to get slightly annoying. I understood why he, and my siblings, were asking, and I appreciate that they cared enough to ask. Though there were times when I wanted to do nothing more than bang my head against the wall.

If you want me to leave you alone with your thoughts, I will... but I'm your friend, Judah,he begins, patting my shoulder in acknowledgement. You already know you can talk to me about shit that's bothering you.

The silence that surrounds us is deafening, because he's right. I can talk to him, but I choose not to. And it's not that I don't want to, I do... just not at the cost of feeling fucking pathetic and vulnerable.

But that should be the least of my worries, right?

Why am I such a fuck up?I blurt out, curling my fingers into my palm to form a fist. I'm... I ruin everything good. I can't take care of the people I care about. I'm a shit fucking friend, and an even shittier brother. I can't... no matter how hard I try, I can't fucking do anything right.

Jai sucks in a sharp breath-shoulders tense when he shifts his position to face me-eyeing me with concern. If this is about what happened with your mother, then all I can say is you need to cut yourself some slack, J. No one is perfect; you can't expect yourself to hold it together at all times. There will be times when you break, and that's okay,he pauses, contemplating his following words.

You need to stop being so hard on yourself, Judah... You're doing a perfectly fine job of looking after your siblings, and you need to stop blaming yourself for what happened to Jesmyn. That's all on your mother, not you... Sometimes we can't control everything, and that's okay. I know the thought of having no control means instability for you, but you need to understand that perhaps it's time for you to stop trying to micromanage every little thing your siblings do. You have Leilani. You have Valentino, and you have Dahlia. You may not like to admit it, but they are more than capable.

And you need to understand that you can't change the past; yes, you left. Yes, there were repercussions, but that's not your fault. You've been a great fucking friend, and you're an amazing brother. They're lucky to have you, man. Stop giving yourself a hard time, stop blaming yourself for everything that goes wrong... it really is okay to make mistakes, and to fuck up. You're not perfect, that's okay. And fuck your mother for giving you such a burden to deal with. You're not where you were ten, fifteen, years ago. You don't have to struggle anymore, Judah. Take care of yourself... For once.

He finishes his rant with a huff, slapping his palm against my back. And don't let the pressure get to you. You're doing perfectly fine. You're doing great.

My palms run down the length of my face before brushing my hair back; Jai doesn't know it, but I'm lucky to call him my best friend-scratch that, he's my fucking brother. I nod in appreciation, his words providing some reassurance.

I swallow my pride and begin to talk, That's not the only thing, Jai... Sure, I- I can't control everything, but I'm afraid if I slip up, everything will fall apart. I have so much to fucking lose, and if I do... I don't know how I'll cope.

He narrows his eyes in my direction, though I direct my gaze to my fiddling thumbs. I'm going to say this once, and only once. The ugly truth is, is that you're never going to have full control. There'll always be a voice in the back of your head that argues about the 'what if's' but that's in the fucking past-it's been and gone-you won't get that back. You're willing to let your overwhelming fear of slipping up ruin everything good. You need to let-

I've already ruined everything good, so what does it matter if I continue?I cut him off bluntly.

Shut the fuck up, Judah... I genuinely don't want to hear one more word; you're going to sit down, and you're going to listen. You may think you've ruined everything good, but I promise you, you haven't. I know Jesmyn and Kenji aren't the only ones on your mind; I know you're thinking of Aiyana too, but you can't let your mistakes swallow you up. You may be an absolute bellend when it comes to relationships, but perhaps you needed this to learn when to ask for help... and you know what?

I tense up at the mention of her name, and I know it's evident on my face. My voice is horse as I let out a low response, urging him to continue.

God, I fucking missed her.

You and Aiyana are so much more alike than you think; I know you probably don't want to hear this, but you've both got the biggest fucking hearts...He holds my stare, daring me to disagree, but instead, I shut up.

I shut up and listen.

Man, look. You have so much to look forward to, but you're letting your insecurities and your anxiety consume you. You don't like to admit it, but you've got to learn when to stop self-destructing. This isn't good for you; nor will it do you any favours in the future. We may not say it a lot, but you have a lot of people that care about you-and we all want you to take care of yourself-and if you want to cry it out, cry it out. I think I'd rather see you cry, then glare at the walls. I won't stop you; you've got years of damage to repair. And I know you've been holding it in all these years, but it's time to put yourself first... You need to learn how to fucking talk when things get rough, man.

You'll find peace when you learn to let things go.

And for the first time in years, I find myself breaking down.

BTS:

• aiyana is itching to send judah a text after seeing jai's tweet, so she settles for shooting her boys a text (jai isn't subtweeting anyone)

• judah 100% cries for an hour straight -he feels sm better afterwards (but also a little embarrassed)

• jai awkwardly comforts him - cute lil head pats and all

n e ways, this isn't proofread, so any mistakes, you didn't see 😘

hope y'all also understood judah a little better xoxo

please do vote and comment! i love reading all your thoughts tehe xoxo