Trigger Warning: Eating disorder, insomnia, mental and physical abuse, self harm and neglect.

Acting.

Acting can be said and heard in a lot of different forms sometimes it means you're in a play or acting that you know something but you don't or acting in a movie, acting like someone you're not, acting like you're alright when you're not but you don't want to tell anyone because you know they won't get your pain and will think you are crazy Even though you're not crazy.

Acting can be dangerous if you're good at it and trust me. Everyone eventually masters acting. It's like power if you look at it in a certain way. You can make people see what you want them to see.

When you're fucked and are at your lowest what do you do and say to your loved ones? You say you are good, you're tired, you just haven't eaten all day and that's why are you are acting like this and maybe that's right maybe you haven't eaten and maybe you haven't slept but why haven't you slept?

Is it because the nightmares that keep you up at night and that you're scared will come back the moment you shut your eyes?

Why haven't you eaten today? Better yet why haven't you eaten all week? Is it because you want to look like the models on social media or the basic Beauty standard?

Why haven't you come out of your room? what's your excuse for that one? some might say that it's because they just want alone time but when does alone time turn into every day and not talking to friends or family.

'Why do you look so tired?' That's a popular question, are the dark cycles under my eyes that bad if someone asks that?

Here's a question for someone that doesn't go through this.

When do you notice?

When do you notice that your friend isn't eating, isn't sleeping or just isn't the same as they use to be? Is it when you see the eye bags or when you see they look pale or when they look unhealthily underweight.

Some friends don't even notice that their friend is struggling to keep their head above water.

That's the sad truth.

Some don't tend to notice that their friend is struggling to keep their eyes open during boring lectures or that they are wearing hoodies in the middle of summer, boiling but refuse to take them off.

See the thing is you don't see the signs if you don't want to your mind will block it off, it will ignore all the red flags.

In the majority of story's you read about how the villain has hurt and broke the main character but if you step back from that book and look at the reality we live in the villain in our books is the people we trust most right? The person who hurts us most is the person we love. That's the reality of that.

Everyone disappoints you in the end and that's that. No one will ever not disappoint you it could be your parents, friends or significant other.

Friends come and go and relationships come and go no one is here to stay and no one is here for your benefit I mean unless you found your people.

I like it think we have our people you know the ones that are there for you? The ones who will always fight for you, the ones that will never judge you because of how you look or what gender you like.

It is an amazing thing if you've found your people in this lifetime.

Everyone deserves to find their people.

Everyone deserves to find love

Everyone deserves to find their soulmate.

Let me rephrase that. Everyone deserves to find their soulmate at the right time.

Time is such a funny thing but no one truly knows the actual concept of it.

Imagine being at your lowest point and you find your soulmate. Imagine how much damage that does to a person, imagine how bad it hurts to know that you can't have your one true love because it wasn't the right time. Imagine how it feels to know you found the one but can't give them your all

Or maybe you don't have to imagine.

Maybe that already happened.

The sad truth in life is that nothing is fair.

But that's what makes life exciting but also deadly.

The love

The disappointment

The fear

The joy

The normal life expectancy of a healthy human is 85 years old

Not a lot of time so what's the point of feeling so many emotions.

Take a step back from everything, take a step back from everyone and just breath

Just breath.

Because in the end, you will make it out of this.

Keep your head above water for a little longer.

I promise it's worth it.

———Mikasa Pov———

Stubborn

Being stubborn is a challenge for some people and to other people it could be seconds nature. Personally I don't think I'm stubborn. Armin and Eren might beg to differ.

Being stubborn could be your downfall either being that you're to stubborn to admit you're wrong or you're to stubborn to say sorry.

I never say sorry but it's not because I'm supposedly stubborn but because I'm never wrong.

It's funny because Levi and I sometimes get into arguments and neither of us will say sorry. How we say sorry is ask if the other is hungry.

I wouldn't be caught dead saying sorry to someone if I didn't mean it.

But once again. I'm never wrong and it might be childish to have this mindset but that's not my problem.

————

I'm a bitch

Yes I know

I shouldn't have gotten mad at Eren I should have just talked to him normally while we were in the closet together but instead me being the dumbass I was I made it worse.

Fuck. I have to apologize. Apologizing isn't the best thing to do with me because I have pride. I cant apologize for the life of me which is really bad but at least I save my pride right?

I have to apologize to him.

Fuck.

I remember one time I accidentally pushed Eren off of the bed when we were younger. Normally this wouldn't be a big deal but he broke his arm or some shit so I had to say sorry.

Which took me forever to do.

***

"Go say sorry Mikasa" Armin scolded while looking at me and the the brunette boy behind us eating his lunch with a glare after not being able to pick up his spoon with his hand.

"I already did!" I whined while throwing my apple away "he didn't care"

Rolling his eyes Armin looked at me with a pointed look "you said 'you're fine don't worry it can't get worse'" he deadpanned

Waving a hand in dismissal I peered over to look at Eren who was glaring at his sandwich. Maybe I should go say sorry?

No. Yes. No. Yes. No.

Stubborn Bitch.

"Fine" I breathed out while getting up from our lunch table "Ill say sorry" I said while waving jazz hands

Armin nodded in response before going back to his book.

Just say sorry

simple.

Turning my head towards Eren who now had a broken spoon in his other hand....?

How does- ok

Turning back to Armin with furrowed eyebrows and pointing towards Eren "uh-"

"Go" he sternly said while pointing to leave. He didn't even raise his head

Sorry I pushed you?

Sorry you're a dumb fuck?

Sorry you don't have balance and that you have two left feet?

I got this I got this.

Walking up towards Eren I stopped in front of his table, putting some distance just in case he decides to stab me with the broken spoon "Hey"

He looked up at me from his lunch "mhm" he hummed in acknowledgment. Going good so far I thought he was going to for sure throw something.

"I uh" I looked around the cafeteria, breaking eye contact "uh"

Fuck. I cant do this.

Why am I like this?

"What Mikasa?" He spat causing me to look back at him, a glare now on his face. Mhm. Not good.

"So- um..." I paused "I'm sorry" I said while looking straight at him, his eyebrows raising a little "I shouldn't have pushed you off the bed" I scrunched up my face from the memory

"And I shouldn't have laughed....But in my defence it was pretty fucking funny until I actually realized you got hurt Eren"

Moment of silence.

After about a minute the side of his mouth twitched until a full grin was plastered on his face "It's all good Mika" he paused "Now I can say I've broken a bone" he grinned

*****

Walking out of the gym I ran up to the blonde who was talking with a teacher "Hey Armin" I said after he was done with whatever he was taking about.

He turned towards me "Hey Mika" he smiled "what's up?"

We started walking side by side down the hallway going a little slow because my legs felt heavy "Have you seen Eren?" I asked while looking at the students pass by trying to get to their classes on time, luckily I didn't have class right now

"Last time I saw him he had no clothes on except underwear. He was running through the dorm building like a psycho yelling your name" he said making me snort "You really stole his clothes while he had practice?" He questioned

I nodded while looking at him with a small grin "pay back"

"So why do you want to know where Eren is?"

I looked away from him and out the window, Why is it so stuffy in this hallway? "uh I wanted to say sorry for being a Bitch"

Armin stopped in his tracks making me stop and turn to look at him "what?" I questioned

"You want to say sorry?"

I nodded.

"No more pranks?"

I nodded again.

"No more grabbing each other and throwing them into the pool?"

I grimaced while nodding.

"Sorry wait let me get this straight" he paused while shuffling to the side so students could pass us "you want to say sorry to Eren?"

Dragging a hand down my face I breathed out "yes armin!"

"Damn you must feel really shitty to actually say sorry to him! And he hasn't even broken a bone!"

"I'll kill you" I glared at him "but yeah, I feel really shitty"

"Ok so I lied I do know where Eren is. I was just scared that you would I don't know? Murder him"

I rolled my eyes while leaning on the locker feeling a wave of tiredness suddenly hit me "Where is he?"

"Uh mika? You don't look to..." he waved his hand around me "good? Are you alright?"

I nodded while pushing myself off the locker and stretching my arms "yeah I'm good I just haven't eaten yet"

Armin nodded in understanding "Eren was in the cafeteria with Ymir and Jean last time I checked"

"Thanks Armin" I said while grabbing my phone and checking the time to make sure I won't be late for my class even though its an hour away.

"Mikasa?" He said while I started to walk away "are you sure you're alright?"

I turned back a little and smiled "yeah? Why wouldn't I be?"

"You seem pale"

I shook my head while adjusting my bag on my shoulder "I'm good armin I promise I just haven't eaten."

He nodded while turning around and leaving me. He said cafeteria right?

————

"Ackerman!" Ymir yelled while I stepped into the busy cafeteria, people running over to their seats to talk to their friends "come here!" She yelled while waving her hand like a mad man.

Looking at the table she was sitting 3 out of 4 chairs were occupied, Jean and Ymir sitting and the other with a bag on top that Eren was looking through

"Hey" I breathed out while stopping at their table with a faint smile "how are you guys?" I asked while dropping my bag and sitting down on the empty chair which happened to be right next to where Eren was sitting.

"Great" Jean answered

Ymir responded while sipping her juice box "Good"

"Fine" Eren mumbled while taking out his charger from his bag and setting said bag on the floor so he could sit "uh how about..you?" He asked while avoiding eye contact

"Ow!" Ymir suddenly yelled while holding her arm causing all of us to look at her with concern "I think I uh? Broke my arm? Yeah..OW"

"Oh...my....god...." Jean paused "we should definitely go to the emergency room" he quickly said while getting up and grabbing his and ymirs bags "you two stay though" he added quickly while looking between Eren and I

Do they think we're stupid?

"Ow ow ow" she deadpanned while getting up and pulling Jean along with her "catch you guys later" she said while practically running out of the cafeteria

Silence.

Silence.

Just say sorry you bitch.

"Mika?" Eren asked after a moment-five minutes of silence

Turning my head slowly to look at him I raised an eyebrow "yeah?"

"Are you ok? You look a little pale" he asked, the exact same thing Armin asked me

"Yeah I'm good" i said quickly while smiling but the smiled slowly faded "I'm sorry" I blurted out

Both his eyebrows shot up in surprise, he was about to say something but I raised a hand up to stop him "I was a bitch I shouldn't have gotten mad at you for ignoring me it was my bad so I wanted to say I'm sorry about that...also how I acted with the stupid pranks and shit"

He looked at me then looked down at his shoes before returning his gaze back to me "What do you mean?" He looked confused "I wasn't ignoring you, you were ignoring me I tried to talk to you multiple times Mikasa"

Raising an eyebrow I squinted. What? "Huh? I wasn't ignoring you I literally tried to talk to you in the hallways but you walked passed me.."

"What....No I didn't?"

See now we both look like stupid.

"Oh..."

"Mhm"

"We basically we just made each other's life's a living hell for a week because we messed up with the communication?"

"Yup" he nodded while smiling and getting up "wanna go grab coffee?" He asked while slinging his bag over his shoulders

Nodding I stood up "definitely" I said while smiling bright At him.

That apology kind of sucked ass in my opinion I should have said more but I didn't because I thought I was talking to much and I thought he was just going to get mad.

"So..." he started while we walked side by side down the now empty hallways "what did you do with my clothes you stole from the locker room" he awkwardly laughed while rubbing the back of his neck

Oh yeah. "Oh uh I just folded them and put them on top of my dresser..." i dragged out " we can stop by my dorm to get them after"

He nodded in agreement "sounds good"

"Sorry about that"I laughed while picking at my nails not being able to actually look at him

"Nah you're g"

I smiled lightly while trying my head to look out the window, nothing passing, no car, no teens, no family's just the empty road.

Minus the little girl holding her moms hand while walking along the sidewalk, her face bright with a toothy smile looking up at her mom, both of them looking at each other with so much joy.

Money money money

Money runs the world even though it shouldn't it does.

Money sadly is a human need because if you don't have it you won't live. Simple.

"Where the fuck is our money!" He yelled while the front door slammed shut behind him causing me to jump up from the couch and walk towards the kitchen

"Money this money that" I said under my breath while leaning down to grab the tin container that had some money in it

"Ackerman" he spat while walking towards the kitchen, knocking the paintings from the walls down "Got the money?"

"Here's 20 Kenny" I said while rolling my eyes and slamming the bill on the table "go fucking crazy"

Eyes going wide he looked at me with so much anger I swear his eyes were red. Fuck. "Who are you to speak to me like that girl?" He spat while walking closer to me "you are no one" He hissed, grabbing my jaw roughly and pulling my face close to his and turning it so he had a clear shot of my ear causing me to wince from the pain and clench my jaw "You're only alive because of me show some damn respect" He squeezed my jaw.

Ringing.

Ringing.

Ringing in my ear, the ear that he just shoved away from his face. "Fuck" I breathed out while holding it and stepping backwards

"Where the fuck is my respect! You show me none!" He pushed my shoulders causing me to stumble backwards and knock my side into the counter.

Leaning over to catch my breath because it was hard to breathe because of the impact I fell to the floor and brought my knees to my chests-hiding, trying to escape the harsh reality.

Kenny was still yelling a string or curses while stumbling out the kitchen leaving me on the floor.

"Mikasa" someone called out to me

"Mikasa"

"Mikasa!"

Blinking slowly I focused on erens wide eyes "Mikasa?" He whispered while letting his hands drop from my shoulders

Shaking my head and backing up from him I blinked faster, trying to wrap my head around what happened "Eren?"

"Mikasa are you ok?" He asked-genuinely worried

I nodded while looking away from his frantic green eyes "I'm good" I breathed out trying to focus on my surroundings "sorry"

Why am I apologizing? Why do I always apologize for things that I didn't mean to do?

Walking closer to me he asked in a whisper almost "What happened?"

What did happen? I have no fucking clue if I'm going to be honest "I don't know I uh..." just had a fucked up flashback from five years ago

"What happened Mikasa?" He sternly asked with furrowed eyebrows "You went pale and stopped walking in the middle of the hall"

Fuck

Looking around the empty hall my eyes locked on the clock hung on the wall, class was about to end in a few minutes "Can we go somewhere else?"

Nodding at me Eren took the end of my sleeve and dragged me outside.

Whats wrong with me these past few days? The flashbacks are more common and I start fights with the people I love most over stupid thing that could be solved with a simple conversation.

"Here" I said while slowing my pace and sitting down on a bench outside, Eren sitting beside me "it's a nice day" I mumbled while leaning back on the bench and closing my eyes and lifting my head to the sky, birds could be heard in the distance and yelling from the football team because they had practice.

I could feel Eren awaiting eyes on me but I didn't bother opening my eyes or turning my head, I was just enjoying the peace for now, enjoying the soft breeze and the laughter of students passing by us

"Kenny hated us" I started but said nothing

Eren said nothing In response but I could feel his body become tense right beside me "He" I laughed "he absolutely despised us when we first moved, he got better but the time he did get better we moved out"

"I thought he treated you guys good..." Eren mumbled from beside me

I laughed not a long one but a short, bitter one "If you count coming home drunk and yelling at us- me mostly treating us good than yeah he was just a ray of sunshine"

Shuffling a little Eren grabbed my hand gently, his thumb rubbing my knuckles gently, staying quiet so I could continue

"It wasn't horrible there was some good memories when I lived there don't get me wrong I'm sure Kenny loved us" I shrugged "he just loved us in his own way"