《You're the risk I'm willing to take》Chapter 17
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"You OK?"
I looked at Alice, she had been distracted since our little conversation earlier. I had meant what I said, I cared about her and wanted to be there for her.
She looked at me and I could see that she was going to try and talk her way out of telling me anything.
"Don't try and tell me you're OK. I know you're not. What's wrong, pixie?"
She sighed, knowing it was pointless. I knew I'd get her to tell what was bothering her eventually.
"It's nothing. I was just thinking about what you said. I was just over-thinking everything, I really missed you."
"I missed you to. I never considered whether this was worth it though. I know we need to be careful, but I know how I feel, and it's not going to change."
She shook her head, looking at me. OK, I think I've annoyed her.
"Bella, I was thinking about you. I'm not the only one who could get in trouble for-"
"Alice, I'm not the one who will lose their job. We're getting nowhere, arguing about this. We would both be in trouble. You, more than me, but it'll be OK. Now, will you please relax?"
She shook her head, looking away. I knew she was worried, she must've thought about this a lot.
"I don't care about-"
"What did I say about us both being in trouble? I care about you. You're a great teacher, and I don't want to be the cause of you losing that."
"I know that, Bella. I just thought about this a lot."
I shook my head. That was obvious.
"Silly pixie. I love you and I'm not going anywhere."
I moved and she cuddled up beside me. She seemed tired, so I wasn't surprised that she fell asleep a little while later. I kissed the top of her head, smiling. She sighed, moving closer to me. I was afraid to move, in case I woke her up. Her couch was a corner unit and we had been cuddling, so we were quite close. I looked down at her, and she was smiling in her sleep. I shifted, so she would have room and she muttered something I couldn't understand. I ignored it, and since my arm had been around her, I started running my fingers through her hair. She shifted and I stopped, she didn't wake up and I noticed he smile had faded. She was frowning, and I was worried something was wrong. I kept an eye on her for a while, and I knew I was right. She started moving and muttering. I knew something was wrong. I knew she was dreaming about something that was really upsetting her, and I had an idea of what I could be.
"Chase, no!"
I put my hand on her shoulder, to gently wake her, and she jumped. I hadn't actually woken her though, she'd woken up on her own. I was being really careful, so I wasn't adding to whatever she had been dreaming about. She looked up at me, and I could see that she was upset. She sat up, away from me.
I knew I was right, when she acted like that. I didn't move any closer, but I wanted to make sure she knew she was safe, here with me.
"Alice, it's OK. It's just me, no one I going to hurt you."
I could see she was shaking, it had really frightened her. She was good at putting up a front of being happy and perky, but she couldn't do that all the time. She took a deep breath and turned to me. She didn't look at me, but it was progress. I wasn't looking at her back anymore.
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She looked at me, and I could see she was about to cry. I was afraid to move any closer, there wasn't to much space between us as it was, and I was glad she hadn't gotten off the couch. This really showed me that she trusted me. I know I say that a lot, but when she gets upset like this, I'm glad I can be there for her and she can talk to me. I was sitting on the couch, and she started getting upset. I was surprised though, when she grabbed me. She grabbed onto my t-shirt, and wouldn't let go, not that I wanted her to. I started rubbing her back, trying to comfort her. I hated seeing her like this.
"It's OK. No one is going to hurt you. It's just you and me."
It took a while, but she eventually ................ Well, calm isn't a good description, but she was able to speak, which was good.
"That hasn't happened in a while. I don't know what happened."
I shook my head. All I cared about, was getting her to relax. I hated seeing her like this.
"All that matters is that you know you're safe here."
She looked up at me, clearly still upset. She leaned back against me, shaking slightly. I was afraid that I would frighten her, if I wrapped my arms around her, so I leaned a little closer, but I made sure there was still space between us. She realised this, and looked up at me.
"Bella, I .......................... This happened a lot. But, it hasn't in a while. I just ............"
"Hey, I love you and I'm here for you. All that matters is that you feel safe, nothing else. I'm here and I'm not going anywhere."
She didn't say anything for a few minutes and I was afraid she was going to start crying again., when she spoke.
"I saw-"
"I know, you talk in your sleep. It's OK, you don't have to tell me."
She looked at me, seeing I really meant it.
"I just ...................... I-"
"Hey, it's OK."
She shook her head, flustered. I usually thought this was cute. Not this time. I noticed she hadn't moved, and when I tried to move, she stopped me. She looked up at me, and I realised how much of a bad idea that was.
"Please don't. I need this right now. I really do."
I nodded, moving closer. I didn't want her anymore upset than she already was. If she wanted to be close to me, than I wasn't going to say no.
"OK pixie. I'm not going anywhere."
I noticed the time, and had a feeling I wouldn't be getting home soon. When I thought about my dad not finding me, my phone beeped with a message from my dad. He had gotten off early and was going to be at Billy's until the following afternoon. That was a relief.
"What's that?"
"My dad is staying at Billy's until tomorrow. Never mind that, are you sure you're OK with sitting like this?"
"I need this right now. Being close to someone I trust helps me feel safe."
I thought about that for a few minutes.
"OK ........... but, tell me if you want me to-"
"I feel safe with you. That just ................... I was seeing what happened when he ........................."
I knew what she was talking about. I'd never asked her about it, because I didn't want her to have to relive it as she told me.
"I know. You were talking in your sleep. As I tried to wake you, you jumped and sat up. I knew something was wrong and wanted to wake you."
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"What did ................ What did I say?"
OK, saying that had been a very bad idea. I tried to think of something, since I knew I had to say something.
"You were muttering and I was able to hear you say 'no,' a few times. And with the way you were frowning and moving, I knew something was wrong."
It was getting pretty late, and I had a feeling I wouldn't be going anywhere. But, after what had happened, I wasn't sure about this.
"Bella, I know it's late. But, could you-"
"Are you sure about this, Alice? I don't want to make you uncomfortable. I know you said you do. But I-"
"Slow down. I know what I said, but I don't want to see that again. It was-"
"I didn't say no. I just don't want you to be uncomfortable. We haven't-"
She cut me off, putting her fingertip on my lips. I was nervous, and I start babbling when I'm nervous.
"Bella, slow down."
She shook her head, seeing how flustered I was.
"Sorry, I babble when I'm nervous."
"I know. Are you OK with this? And no, it won't make me uncomfortable. I don't want to see that again."
I thought about it for a few minutes. I didn't want to leave her alone after something like that. I had some stuff from staying at Angela's, that I'd forgotten to take out of my truck. Well, I was supposed to stay at Angela's, but she had cancelled at the last minute. I'd forgotten to take the stuff out of my truck. I nodded, looking at her.
"Yeah. I actually have some stuff in my truck. I was supposed to stay at Angela's the other night. But, she cancelled. I forgot to take the stuff out of my truck, seeing as I was so excited about seeing someone again."
She seemed surprised about that.
"I hadn't thought about that. I just need-"
"Do I get my stuff now or later?"
I knew she was going to try and explain herself again. But, I understood and wanted to be there for her. Yes, I was nervous about staying even if nothing was going to happen, but if she needed it, I'd do it.
She looked at me, shaking her head. I wished this was under different circumstances. But, she needed me and I was going to be there for her.
"I know you need me to be there for you, Alice. Yes, I'm worried about you, but if staying with you will help, with what just happened then I'll do it."
She seemed to accept I was OK with it, and I went to get my stuff. I walked back in to see her standing by the couch. I cleared my throat, so she'd know I was there, and she turned to look at me. I hadn't meant to give her a fright, but it was clear that I did.
"I'm sorry, pixie. I didn't mean to startle you."
She shook her head, and ran her hand through her hair. I dropped my bag in the corner of the kitchen area and walked over to her. I reached out and took the hand she was running through her hair. She looked at me, and I could see she was nervous.
"Hey, everything's OK. Now, you wanna show me where you put my drawing?"
I was trying to distract her, and she blushed, looking away. I knew where she'd put it, but was trying to calm her nerves. She looked at me, not saying anything. She squeezed my hand, and led me to a room I'd never been in. She looked at me, and I smiled, trying to let her know that she needed to relax. She opened the door, and walked in. I followed her into her room.
I knew her favourite colour was purple, so I wasn't surprised the walls were a beautiful shade of lilac. She had the drawing hung over her dresser, which made me smile. I noticed her watching me. I looked at her, walking over to her. I looked around, there was a large double bed in the middle of the room and a door to, what I assumed was a bathroom. She had seen me looking at where she'd hung the drawing.
She leaned against me, leaning her head against my chest. She was shaking a little, but not as much as she had been earlier. I took her hand, squeezing it. She looked up at me.
"Thank you for this baby."
I shook my head. She was being silly. I love her and it's never going to change.
"I'm not doing anything special. You're upset, and I want to help you get through it."
A little while, and some more convincing later, we got changed. When I opened the bag, I realised what I'd packed. I was in her bathroom, getting changed. I hadn't packed much more than a t-shirt. I rummaged around in the bag, and found a pair of shorts to go with it. I shrugged, I didn't have much more than that to wear. I threw my other stuff in the bag, and walked out. Alice was wearing something similar, so I didn't feel as nervous. I looked at her, she was sitting on the bed, smiling at me.
"You OK?"
I nodded, sitting down.
"I'm fine. What about you?"
She shrugged, and I knew she was nervous.
"I .................... That hasn't happened in a while. I just ........................ I don't know what I would've done, if you weren't here."
"Alice, it's OK. I understand that. And, don't say stuff like that. I would've come straight over, if you told me. Chances are I would've been over at some point today."
She just looked at me, not saying anything. She moved a tiny bit closer, and I noticed her hand was covering the scar on her arm. I took her hand, and looked at the scar.
"Come on."
I looked up at her, as she spoke. The duvet had been pulled back, and we were sitting on the edge of the bed. She started to move, and I stopped her. She looked at me, seeing why I stopped her.
"It's OK, baby. All I really need right now, is you."
I sighed, nervous. I nodded, letting go of her hand. She moved and I sat next to her. She pulled the duvet over us. I kept a little bit of distance between us............. OK, this may sound like I don't want to be close to her, but I don't want to ...................... And I'm babbling again. Anyway, she moved closer to me.
"It's OK. I like being close to someone I trust after that. And since I trust you, I want to do this."
I just wish it was under different circumstances. She moved closer, but didn't lay her head on my shoulder the way she usually did. This didn't surprise me, but I didn't do anything about it.
She eventually fell asleep, after we talked a little more. I lay there, watching her, thinking. It'd been 4 years, and she still had these dreams. I had them about Mitch, but not that bad. Not anymore, at least. She wasn't frowning, but she wasn't smiling either. So, I knew she wasn't dreaming about anything she shouldn't be. She started frowning a little while later and moving a bit. I tried to soothe her, and kissed her forehead. She sighed and relaxed. I took a deep breath, and closed my eyes, falling asleep.
I woke up the next morning, before Alice. I lay there, watching her. She hadn't had any problems after that little incident, something I was happy about. She had moved a little closer, in her sleep though, which left me unable to move. She had her head on my shoulder and one arm across my waist. I'll admit, it felt good. But, I wasn't about to take advantage of her after what had happened.
She groaned, and woke up. I looked at her, as she realised what had happened during the night. She looked up to me, blushing.
"Bella, I-"
"Do you see me complaining? It's OK. Was everything-"
"I had a bit of one, but .................... Did you kiss me last night?"
So that did wake her up.
"You were frowning and moving a bit, and you needed some sleep. I didn't want to wake you."
She nodded, and I noticed she hadn't moved.
"Oh, well that explains a few things. I wasn't talking in my sleep, was I?"
I shook my head, smiling. There had been some groaning, but nothing I could understand.
"No. Just a lot of groaning, nothing I could understand anyway."
She propped herself up on her elbow, looking at me.
"Thanks for everything, baby. I really mean it."
I shook my head, sitting up. I ran my hand through my hair, looking at her. I had been nervous about laying with her, but now I knew that I'd had nothing to be worried about.
We got up, and got dressed. I sat on the stool by the counter, looking at her. I thought about the previous day, I was glad I'd come over.
"Why do I get the feeling you're thinking about me?"
I looked at her, she was smiling at me. I was glad to see that, after everything.
"Anyway, you need anything?"
I finished what I was eating and sat on the couch. She shook her head, looking at me.
"You're not getting out of this, that easily. What's wrong?"
"Nothing, pixie. I was just thinking about you that's all."
She sat next to me. She seemed a bit more relaxed around me now.
"Come on, baby, I can see it's more than that. That used to happen a lot, but not so much anymore. Ever notice any times that I was more nervous in class?"
I thought about it. Some days were worse than others, but I just put that down to nerves, and if a lot of people went up to her.
"Yeah, I thought it was just nerves. I didn't think it was more than that."
"Yeah, but you being here last night helped. It really did."
She surprised me by kissing me, and she could tell.
"Bella, I'm OK. It just frightened me .............. Seeing that, -"
"I know, and I'm here for you."
"Waking up like that was-"
I cut her off, placing my finger on her lips.
"Do you see me complaining? I cuddle in my sleep to you know."
She blushed, looking away. I did, but I couldn't exactly move with the position we had been in. She looked at me, and I moved. She checked her phone, it was only 10:30. My dad wouldn't get back until at least 6. My phone beeped, and it was Angela.
'Hey, are you OK?'
I noticed there were a few messages from her the previous day.
"I'm fine. I'm at Alice's. I'll explain later."
She didn't answer me, and I put my phone away.
"Is that your dad?"
I shook my head, looking up at her.
"No, it was Angela. She wanted to talk to me last night, but I didn't notice it. I told her I'd talk to her later. My dad won't be home until about 6."
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