《Just Steve》T H I R T Y - O N E
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Getting out of bed the next morning was a struggle. Today was just one of those days where everything felt ten times harder than it should have been. The water pressure in the shower had sucked and you kept moving the dial, unable to find the right temperature. The toaster failed to pop twice leaving you with two pieces of burnt and charred bread. You had all but stumbled around the apartment at a snail's pace, trying to figure out what to do, mind fogged, a Steve induced hangover clouding every thought and movement.
When you first woke up you thought maybe you had imagined the whole thing. That your lonely and pregnant addled mind had conjured up images of the man that you both wanted to see more than anything and wanted nothing to do with at the same time. In your heart you had known he wasn't some figment of your imagination. You could see and feel him in everything. He was in the air you breathed, the piercing blue of his eyes in the marble countertop in the kitchen. He was nowhere and yet somehow, everywhere.
The morning light shone through the window, spiraling on the opposing wall. You watched as the shadows flickered. The eerie movement gave the illusion that the walls were moving, slowly caving in until the house that had once felt like a safe space was nothing more than a cage trapping you in an emotional nightmare. Shoving on your shoes, you burst through the front door, breathing in the fresh air.
Your eyes shut tight, you leaned on the doorway as you felt the sun hit your skin, warming your face comfortingly. After a moment you opened your eyes. You were about to head down the steps thinking a relaxing walk might be able to shake you out of the state you were in when you noticed a car parked across the street although that wasn't what had caught your attention. Leaning on the convertible, Steve was watching you curiously his arms crossed tightly against his chest.
You blinked twice, staring back at him blankly, at a complete loss for what to do next. Not ready for round two of last night's painful events, you ignored him, jogging down the steps and heading down the street on your walk. Thankfully he didn't follow you and you were able to enjoy the rest of your walk in peace. Enjoy being not the best word to describe the current state of stressed confusion you were in but at least the outdoors were less suffocating than the walls of the house.
Later the same day you were sitting on the floor playing solitaire on the glass coffee table. Needless to say you were desperately grasping and failing at random ways to pass the time and keep Steve off your mind. That was when you realized what an idiot you had been. Steve knew where you were now. You didn't need to hide from street cameras or avoid public places. You could do anything you wanted. The world was your oyster, or at least Boston was.
After some debate on where to go first and what food your stomach would actually be able to handle, you decided to go to a bagel shop a few blocks away. Less than twenty minutes later you were leaving the shop, toasted cinnamon raisin bagel in hand when the sight of the Steve once again stopped you short.
He had a baseball cap on now and aviators covered his eyes. He was obviously trying to blend in since he was in public but the man looked anything but inconspicuous. You smirked slightly a dry laugh escaping your lips as you called out to him before you could stop yourself.
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"You know I can see you right?"
"That's kinda the whole point, sweetheart."
You frowned as you walked away from him. It was a slightly odd response but you were fairly sure you knew what he was getting at. He was trying to prove to you that he would always be looking out for you. This wasn't the insecure man who had signed that contract but the man who would stand by you, the man that would fight for you. It was his way of telling you that contract or no contract, he still cared for you. That when the day came where you were finally ready to talk to him about what had happened, he would be there waiting.
This pattern continued in the following days. Everywhere you went there he was. You did your best to ignore him and he apparently was doing his best to keep a respectful distance, not coming up to you or forcing you to talk about all of the things you wanted to forget for which you were extremely grateful. On the third night however, Steve seemed to have run out of patience.
You had finally caved, heading to the north end late in the evening to pick up a cannoli. The creamy, chocolatey goodness melting in your mouth and resting satisfyingly in your stomach as you polished off the last bite. When you left the pastry shop, you were initially startled by the large figure that had begun to follow you until you realized who it was. You waited for him to speak but he just walked next to you quietly, side by side with a frustrated look on his face.
"So," you began, breaking the tense silence. "Taking a break from the stalking to come talk to me?"
You rolled your eyes at your own words, cursing yourself for using sarcasm to fill the awkward moment but hey, it's how you always coped in moments like these. Steve sighed, moving slightly closer to you, his hand hovering over the small of your back.
"I know you don't want to see me right now but it's late and I don't like you walking alone here," he admitted looking around at the few other people who had ventured out into the city late in the evening.
Feeling the sudden urge to look at him, you peered in his direction, intending to look away immediately. On turning your eyes met his, the deep oceans locked you in place. Your mouth fell open slightly as you tried to come up with a response but your mind had been wiped blank. In fact, you were so distracted that you failed to notice one of the cobblestones of the street you were walking on was loose and sticking out of the ground slightly. Before you realized what was happening, you very elegantly and gracefully tripped, flying forward. You braced yourself, ready to meet the ground but Steve's arm wrapped around your waist, holding you from behind and steadying you.
"Will you watch where you're going?"
Steve's voice boomed angrily behind you, loud enough to make your ears bleed, causing you to flinch slightly. The sudden deafening noise caught the attention of the few other city goers walking nearby as you began to feel self-conscious.
"I'm sorry," you said quietly and a little shell-shocked, gently pulling yourself out of his arms and turning to face him. "I just tripped."
His eyes had changed looking suddenly unfamiliar. They were cold and harsh as they glared at you and there was some emotion cloaked behind them that you couldn't identify.
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"You need to be more careful for christ's sake (Y/n), you're pregnant!" Steve continued to shout, gesturing towards you with his arm stiffly, breathing heavily.
You knew you shouldn't respond to his anger with more yelling. One of you needed to stay calm in order to hash out whatever was going on in his head but it was hard to not let resentment take over. Last you had heard tripping wasn't a punishable offense. Sure you were a little clumsy but it's not like you were out skydiving and cliff-jumping. Why the hell was he yelling you now? Last you had checked, you were the one with the reason to be angry and yet here he stood yelling at you for not being careful while being pregnant as if this pregnancy hadn't been putting you through hell already.
"I'm pregnant?" you exclaimed in faux-surprise. "That must be why none of my clothes fit anymore, oh it all makes sense now!"
The sarcasm in the tone of your voice covered the pain but he seemed to recognize from the look his face that you had been hurt by his words. His eyes softened as his anger was replaced with an expression of guilt. You knew he was about to apologize but you weren't having any of it, your frustration at the situation you were in bubbling to the surface and overflowing onto the street below.
"(Y/n)-"
"No really, that explains so much!" you continued relentlessly, the words flowing out of your mouth faster than you could even process the things you were saying. "That must be why I get so nauseous every morning I feel like I can't breathe, why I'm somehow starving but can't hold any food down or why I cry every time that stupid dog food commercial comes on the TV... God pregnant, how could I not think of that? You must be some sort of genius or something, you could give Tony a run for his money, maybe they'll study you at MIT or they'll write about you in museums- Oh wait, they've already done that!"
"Alright!" Steve finally interjected. His tone was serious but there was no more anger there. "I get it (Y/n), I'm sorry. I didn't mean to yell I just... I don't know what to do here."
You watched as he took a few steps closer to you, standing a few feet away. His posture was still tense but also deflated like a day old ballon slowly floating to the ground. Looking at him more closely this time you could see how stressed he was. His hair, which was normally gelled back was shaggier and his eyes were red and tired. He looked like he hadn't slept in a week.
"I know you didn't want me following you here and I'm trying to respect that and keep my distance but living like this, not knowing if you're okay and safe..."
He took another step forward but a conflicted and confused look flashed across his face as he took a step back.
"It's driving me crazy that I can't be there for you when I know you need me and I need you. I'm trying to hold it together but I'm- I'm losing it. I miss you. I miss you so much sweetheart, and being this close to you but not really being with you... I feel like I'm going insane."
His hands ran through his hair, tugging at it lightly as he pushed it out of his face. You watched as his eyes were fixed on the ground staring at the misplaced cobblestone, the literal bump in the road that had completely unraveled and derailed what was supposed to be an innocent walk home.
How had you gotten here? If you could trace back the moments in your life, showing how one choice led to another, would you somehow be able to explain how your boyfriend cheating on you with your best friend had resulted in you standing pregnant in the streets of Boston fighting with your baby's father? Would you be able to somehow make sense of how something as beautiful and individual as love could so consistently turn into something so ugly and broken?
Your baby's father...
Your baby's father?
Was that all Steve was anymore? It was one thing to label him as your baby's father and nothing more when he was across state lines but when he was standing so close to you, telling you how much he missed you all labels went out the window. Distance was a funny thing. Sure you had put miles and miles between you and Steve but no distance had been able to truly separate you from him. Since that fateful night you had met in the bar, Steve had been connected to you in a way you had never experienced before, a binding and unbreakable strand of thread fastening you to him and him to you.
Despite your attempts to ignore and deny the feeling, you had missed him. That being said, missing someone didn't mean that every other problem that had piled in between you could instantly vanish. All the issues were still there, the bad covered in the pretty layer of everything good you had once shared. Regardless, looking at the man across from you, you knew you couldn't go on like this. Steve looked miserable and you'd be lying if you said you hadn't been the same. It was time to talk things through and move on, whether you'd be moving on together or separately you weren't sure, but you had pushed off the inevitable for too long. Deciding for the first time in your life to not overthink, you took a leap of faith.
Taking two steps forward you balanced on tiptoes, wrapping your arms over his shoulders in a tight hug. Steve froze for a second, taken aback by the sudden show of affection but quickly wrapped his arms around waist pulling you closer. Together you sighed a breath relief, a teaspoons worth of the cups and cups of pain you were both feeling slowly receding until all you felt was familiarity and comfort. His hand rubbed in circles on your lower back as yours gripped tightly to his jacket.
When you pulled away, Steve was staring at you, a confused but relieved expression on his face. He opened his mouth to speak but you shook your head. You shoved your hands in your pockets, tilting your head towards the street that led back to your house, motioning for him to follow. He smiled softly as the two of you walked back to the house and for the first time when you told yourself that everything was going to be okay, you truly believed it.
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